Page 3 of Kayla's List

KAYLA

Icried all the way home. I still couldn’t believe that my boyfriend has aboyfriend.F my life!How the hell does this happen to someone? I know that I will spend the rest of the night racking my brain for any red flags that I must’ve missed. There had to have been something that I had overlooked. I was so afraid of the next woman that I had never even considered the nextman.

Warren and I waited to have sex, but that had been more of my decision than his. Our sex life seemed normal, but I’ve only had one other partner, so my opinion is based on limited experience. Me and the girls talk about sex, but I never go into details about my sex life. I’ve always been shy, and talking about that kind of stuff makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. My best friends know how I am, so they never push me. Now, I wish they would have. Maybe then I would’ve asked the right questions to figure out that I was being cheated on.

I mean Warren and I spent plenty of time together. He never took any suspicious calls or disappeared unexpectedly. He always checked in with me and invited me everywhere. Warren was perfect. At least he pretended to be.

I couldn’t wrap my head around anything I’d found out last night. If Warren likes men, I just don’t understand his need to be with me. Times are different now. There’s no need to hide the fact that you’re gay. Of course, there are still hardships, but wouldn’t it be easier to live in your truth? I can’t understand why he would do this. I trusted him. I let my guard down and loved him. I planned a future with him. He was supposed to have been my new beginning. He was supposed to have been the family I no longer had.

When thetaxi dropped me off, I hastily made my way inside my apartment building. The last thing I needed was my neighbor, Mrs. Gilmore, to see me upset and confused like this. She always meant well, but I just didn’t have the mental capacity and strength to explain to her why I was crying. She knew all about Warren and my expected birthday proposal. I shake my head dejectedly as I enter my apartment.

When tonight’s events play on repeat in my brain, I become a blubbering mess all over again. I strip off my clothes and get into the shower. Hopefully, the scorching hot water will wash away the pain. However, I continue to cry as I try to wash away the memory of Warren’s betrayal. I didn’t realize my life was all an illusion. I thought I was living a fairy tale when in actuality, I was living aShakespearean tragedy.

If Maurice hadn’t unexpectantly popped up tonight, would Warren have let me believe that we were a happy, monogamous, heterosexual couple? Would we have started a family? Would he have let me believe that he loved me as I loved him?Yes. He absolutely would have.The thought both sobers and scares me, and before I know it, I’m crying all over again. I have never really been a crier. In the group home, kids were better seen and not heard. It was best not to show weakness, and tears were definitely considered weak in foster care. This is the first time in my adult life that I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. And honestly, I don’t want to. I crawl into my big, comfy bed, pull the covers over my head, and cry myself into a pitiful sleep.

The next morning, I woke up hoping it was all someMatrix-type nightmare, but it wasn’t. I had already taken the day off because I was expecting to be wrapped up in my new fiancé’s arms, making love all day in celebration. Instead, I’m planted on the couch in bunny rabbit pajamas, watchingNetflix. I never expected this. It wasn’t in my plans, and although I should be angry, I can’t get out of the sorrow-filled haze. This is not how I imagined my birthday.

The tears begin to fall again, and I’m angry at myself.How could I have been so naïve? Why did he choose me? What had I done to deserve a man like Warren Barnett?

The questions haunted my thoughts for the rest of the day. I continued to wallow in self-pity and doubt. I didn’t know how I would manage to go back to work and pretend as if nothing had happened. I know people deal with break-ups every day, but I didn’t. I am a people pleaser by nature and I hate losing people out of my life. So, I know that I will continue to be friendly toward Warren although he has hurt me to my core. I will never be in a relationship with him, but I know that he will try to push his way in again and I can’t let that happen.

Around six in the evening, my landline rings loudly, waking me up out of a deep sleep. I’m disoriented at first because that line rarely rings.

“Hello?”

“Girl! Where the hell have you been?” Shelby’s panicked squeal comes through the phone, and I hold it away from my ear.

I should’ve known she would find a way to contact me. My best friend does not miss birthdays, and since I turned my phone off last night to avoid Warren, I know she’d probably left several scathing texts and voicemails.

“I’ve been at home.” I try my best not to sound like somebody kicked my puppy, but each word is dripping with sadness that I can’t hide.

“What’s wrong?” I can hear the worry in Shelby’s voice and I break.

“Warren and I broke up.” I sob into the phone.

“Oh, no! Kayla, I’m so sorry. Me and Emani are on our way. Hold tight, sis.” Shelby disconnects the call, and I continue to cry as I wait for my best friends to come and save me.

* * *

“Girl!A man? Warren was out here fucking a whole man?” Shelby’s shocked vulgarity would’ve been funny if it wasn’t my life she was talking about.

“Yes,” I respond flatly, placing my head in my hands to hide my embarrassment.

It had been two hours since my best friends had shown up at my apartment. I told them every dirty detail of my horrible date. I thought purging all of the foolishness would make me feel better. It didn’t.

“Kayla, I don’t know what to say.” Emani’s soft words brought back the helpless feeling I was so desperately trying to tap out. Even my positive, easy-going friend couldn’t find the silver lining to my mess.

“Me either, Emani. I was just so… shocked. I mean he’s never done anything to make me suspect he was…”

“Sus… pect.” Shelby drew out the word to finish my sentence with a purse of her glossed lips.

I nodded, agreeing with her assessment. My whole life with Warren for the past year had been a lie. I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t. It feels strange to be back at square one. No love, no boyfriend, no future family, or promises. No…nothing.

“Sis, I think you dodged a bullet. I mean what if ya’ll had gotten married, had a house, a few kids, and thenbam! Here this dude comes, popping up talking that bullshit. It’s best that you found out now,” Shelby continued.

“I agree with Shell,” Emani added. “It’s for the best that you found out sooner rather than later.”

In my mind I knew they were right. But my heart, my bruised and battered heart, I couldn’t find the right in so much wrong.What did I do to deserve this?