Page 36

CHAPTER 36

Just Be Honest

KELLEN

Tuesday, January 14

“ H ow was Lucy’s interview?” As soon as the question’s out, I pull my Blizzard hoodie over my head and hide for a few seconds inside the sweatshirt.

When I emerge, I see Atticus staring at me with narrowed eyes. I try not to fidget as he examines me. While I’m sure he doesn’t know all the details of what happened between me and Lucy, he knows something .

“Good.” He tosses dirty clothes into the laundry bin, then turns to his locker to pull out a clean sweatshirt.

“Really, Atter? That’s all you’re going to give me?” Frustration courses through my veins.

“If you care so much about what my sister is up to, why don’t you ask her yourself? Or have you deleted her number from your phone?”

“Yeah, right.” Lachlan snickers from next to him.

“Mind your business, Lach.” I attempt to sound stern and throw a dirty look at our teammate, but he just chuckles and shakes his head .

“Leave Kellen alone,” Harley says. “He’s looking pretty pathetic right now. It’s kind of sad.”

“Shut up.” I growl at Harley, then turn back to Atticus. “Seriously, man, it’s just a question.”

“And I’m being serious too. Between you asking about her, and her asking about you, I’m kind of over it.”

“She’s asking about me?” Hope surges, then fades. Why would that matter? It’ll be better when she’s gone from Fort Collins for good. Then I’ll know for certain there’s no chance for us. But while she’s still here, I can’t help but yearn for her.

“I don’t remember.” Atticus yanks the sweatshirt over his curls and grabs a baseball cap from his locker, settling it on his head backwards, red strands escaping from all sides. “Maybe she was asking about one of the other guys. You’re not very memorable.”

“Fuck off.” I groan.

“As fun as this conversation is, I’m out of here.” Lachlan follows Harley out of the locker room, and they leave me alone with my torturer.

I glance over through the glass window at Coach Jackson. I planned on talking to him about my trade fears, and now’s the perfect time. But I can’t let this go with Atticus. Not yet.

Atticus sighs, clutching his phone in one hand and a half-empty electrolyte drink in the other. But he doesn’t walk away yet.

“Fine. But only because you are seriously pathetic right now. Lucy’s interview went great. She saw January while she was over there, and I think she’s all in.”

“Oh.” My heart drops, and my entire body sags.

“Sorry, man.”

“She get an actual job offer yet?”

“Nah, not yet.”

“Thanks.” I sink to the bench and hang my head. “You go ahead. I’m staying to talk to Coach.”

Atticus takes two steps away, then pauses and turns back .

“One piece of advice, if I may?” He’s got a dead serious look on his face.

“Go ahead.” I look up at him.

“If you’ve got something to say to my sister, say it. You have nothing to lose. She’ll be gone soon. Far away. Don’t have regrets about not shooting your shot while you still can.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. There’s a faraway look in Atticus’s eyes, and I wonder if he’s thinking about his own regrets. Then the look is gone, and he focuses back on me.

“But—” I run my hand through my hair. “What if it’s pointless? It is pointless, I mean.” So incredibly pointless. So pointless, I want to lay flat on this dirty locker room floor and close my eyes until the heavy feeling lifts off my chest.

“Just speak what’s in your heart. No regrets, you know what I mean?” Atticus turns and strides out of the room.

“What the fuck was that about?” I say to no one.

But there’s something niggling at me.

The light shuts off in Coach Jackson’s office, and I sit up straight when he walks into the locker area.

“I was hoping to catch you, Coach.”

“Great game out there. You’re looking really sharp this season.”

Coach Jackson is a good man. I know I can trust him. But still, asking about this feels awkward as hell.

“I’m worried about getting traded,” I blurt. “And I wanted to get your thoughts on that.”

“Why on earth would you worry about getting traded?” Coach looks genuinely shocked at my query.

I grimace. He doesn’t know that I have good reason to worry about that.

“Paul hates me.”

But… is that even true anymore? Sure, I got more than my fair share of dirty looks when the season started and that one humiliating talking to, but after things were happening with Lucy, it se emed to fade away. Then stop. Maybe Lucy and I were that good at fake dating.

Coach lets out a short chuckle and then looks around the room as if to confirm we’re alone.

“Paul doesn’t like anyone.” Coach shrugs. “But he recognizes talent. He’s a businessman first and foremost, and he wants to see goals scored and games won. If you’re playing well and scoring like you are, I think it’s safe to say you are safe.”

I’m speechless.

“Safe as anyone is, really. You won’t get traded. I heard the rumors about Markus last year. But he wasn’t gelling with the team on the ice, and he was going to do better elsewhere. That’s why he got traded.”

Oh.

“Thanks, Coach.” My shoulders slump, and I slowly blow the breath out of my lungs. I shut my eyes. All this worry. It’s always been on my mind. Every game, every practice, every time I thought of hockey this season, it’s always been in the context of getting traded and if I’d still be here in Fort Collins next season. If I’d be forced to live away from Ava.

I should feel incredible relief. And I do. But after the relief washes away, it’s deep regret.

I got in my own damn way with Lucy, burned by a lifetime of broken trust leading to my extreme caution with letting people get close. Who deserves my trust? I guess that’s the question.

I haven’t even been able to trust myself.

Atticus, of all people, telling me to speak what’s in my heart. That fucker is right, and that’s what was niggling me.

Lucy.

I knew she was different right away, and then she showed me that I was right to let her in. I was right to trust her.

But I didn’t trust myself.

I need to talk to her.

I head over to Bri’s house to see Ava before bedtime.

“Hey,” Bri says when I walk in the unlocked front door.

“Congratulations.” I embrace Bri. “You’re going to kick ass at your new job.”

“Thanks, Kellen.”

Bri’s been beaming all week since she found out she got that better university job she’d applied to months ago, and she signed the contract today. I’m happy for her, especially now that I know I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

Ava runs into the foyer and hugs me, clutching a soccer player Barbie in one hand.

“Do they really not make a hockey Barbie?”

“I’ll put it on my Christmas list,” Ava says solemnly.

“Christmas was like three weeks ago, Aves.”

Ava shrugs, and I make a mental note to go online to search for a hockey player Barbie.

“Come have a snack with me, Daddy.” Ava pulls me to the kitchen.

“Okay.” I follow her to the table. Bri disappears upstairs, knowing from my texts that I want a minute with our daughter alone. “I have a question for you.”

Ava slides into the pantry, pulling out a pack of fruit snacks and a chocolate chip M&M cookie. I give her a side eye when she deposits the sugar-filled processed food on the table, so she skips over and grabs a small apple to add to her pile.

“Are you sure that’s enough snack?”

“Oh, can you get me chocolate milk too, Daddy?”

“No problem.” I chuckle and grab the chocolate milk from the fridge and a pink plastic cup from Bri’s cabinet.

“So what’s your question, Daddy?”

“You know Lucy? ”

“Coach Lucy! I love her! And Mister Barky McBarkface. He’s my favorite dog ever.”

“I know, sweetie.” Ava only tells me every other day how much she loves Lucy’s dog. Makes it hard to get that woman out of my mind.

“Can we dog-sit him again? I miss him sooo much.”

“Maybe, I don’t know. But listen.” I open up the fruit snacks while Ava shoves the cookie into her mouth. “What would you think about me asking her if she’d go on a date with me?”

“A date?” Ava grabs the pack of fruit snacks and two fly onto the floor. “With Coach Lucy?”

“Yes.”

“But I thought you already did that.” She pops a strawberry shape into her mouth.

My breath catches in my throat. “Well, not really.”

“Oh.” Ava chews thoughtfully.

“Are you going to pick up what spilled?” I point under her chair.

“If we had a doggy, like Mister Barky McBarkface, he’d just eat them instead.”

I can’t help but laugh.

“My question, Ava?”

“Sure. But if you go out with Coach Lucy, can you get chicken nuggets and bring me home some?”

I nod solemnly.

“And can I pet her doggy?”

I nod again.

“Okay.” Ava shoves the entire chocolate chip M&M cookie into her mouth, leaving the apple in front of her untouched.

There’s only one more thing to do.

I pull out my phone and scroll to the Kellcy Fake Dating Planning Committee text chain.