Page 38 of Julian

"Having second thoughts about fatherhood?"

"No." Julian surprised himself with his certainty. "I'm not having second thoughts about fatherhood. I'm having second thoughts about myself as a father."

Elijah set down his fork, studying Julian's face. "What do you mean?"

Julian pushed his food around his plate, appetite gone despite having skipped breakfast that morning. The dining room suddenly felt too crowded, too public for the weight of his thoughts.

"Like I mentioned before, my relationship with my own father is… complicated. Always has been." Julian lowered his voice. "And there's something I've never told anyone. Something that happened when I was a kid that's been eating at me for years."

"Is that why you started drinking?" Elijah asked, his voice equally quiet.

Julian nodded, throat tight. "That was easier than facing it. Than dealing with the guilt."

"Guilt's a heavy burden to carry alone," Elijah said.

Julian met Elijah's steady gaze across the table, recognizing something familiar in the other man's eyes—understanding born of personal experience. The weight of carrying secrets, of letting shame dictate choices.

"Twenty-four years," Julian said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I've been carrying this for twenty-four years."

Elijah leaned forward slightly, his expression encouraging but patient. Julian appreciated that he didn't push, didn't demand details. Just waited.

Julian's fingers found the edge of his napkin, twisting the fabric as memories he'd spent decades drowning threatened to surface. The dining room noise faded to a distant hum as he forced himself back to that day—the day that had changed everything.

“I told you already about my twin sisters being kidnapped when they were three," Julian began, his throat dry. "They were kidnapped by our nanny and one of the security guards. I heard them talking about it, and when Sandra realized that, she tried to just brush it aside. She promised me my favorite candy and a new toy if I didn’t say anything. I agreed to keep quiet about it. The day they abducted the twins, I found a small box under my pillow with several chocolate bars and a new Lego set that I’d been wanting."

“And you never told anyone?”

He shook his head. “At that point, it was too late. But if I’d still told someone even after they were taken… it maybe could have made a difference. My family had all the money in the world, but I cared more about candy and a new toy.”

Julian’s voice cracked on the last sentence, and he felt overwhelmed by the urge to cry. To break down and let out all the sorrow and guilt he’d carried for most of his life.

It had been bad enough when they hadn’t known where Angela was. But her eventual return had revealed the rough life she’d had with Jim and Sandra.

And he was responsible for that.

Julian knew that even though he didn’t want to walk through what was to come, he did it with the hope that once he was through it, he’d find freedom from the guilt and peace.

“I guess it’s time to give Dr. Carlisle what he wants,” Julian murmured.

“I’ll pray for you,” Elijah said. “God cares about you, and He would want you to be free from the chains of your past.”

Julian wished that he understood more about what Elijah was saying. However, right then, his focus was on revealing his long-held secret to people who might come to hate him for what he’d done.

His father. His sister. His… wife.

Later that night, he wrote a letter to Kiara. But rather than reveal the turmoil he was currently experiencing, Julian tried to keep the tone of the letter lighthearted as he wrote about their little boy and gave another general overview of what was happening at the center.

He told her about the activities that were available to them there. The hiking trails. The tennis courts. The swimming pool. The weight room. The hot tub and sauna. All of it was more suitable for a spa. He’d availed himself of some of it, like the hiking trails and the weight room, all in an effort to distract himself from his inner turmoil.

The next morning, he woke after a restless night and found the resolve to admit to what had happened when he was a child was still with him. The confession would start with his therapist.

Over the next couple of days, he had intensive sessions with Dr. Carlisle, which eventually ended with the decision that theywould request that Duncan come to the center to meet with Julian and the therapist.

Julian was glad that there would be a third party there to help him share what he’d done.

A few days after his decision to tackle his past, Julian sat in Dr. Carlisle's office, his palms sweating as he waited for his father to arrive. The familiar leather chair that had become his confessional seat over the past weeks now felt like an electric chair. Every muscle in his body was coiled tight, ready to spring him from the room if his courage failed him.

The murmur of voices in the hallway made his stomach lurch. Dr. Carlisle glanced toward the door, then back at Julian with the calm, encouraging expression that had become familiar.