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Twenty-One

CIANA

W e left the incinerated camp of the pleasure traders at sunrise.

The humans rode the four horses that Gefred had found at the camp.

The fae also packed anything they found useful, spreading the bundles between the horses and themselves.

Each of them could carry probably as much as a horse, being just as strong.

Riding proved easier than walking for me. Still, a few hours after the sun rose and the storm clouds gathered, I was glad to see Kurai gesture for our small caravan to stop.

“We’ll have to set up a camp before the worst of the storm hits,” he said.

Shyanne climbed down from the saddle to stretch her back and legs.

“You didn’t kill all of them,” she reminded Kurai. “Most left before you showed up. They’ll be back and come after us.”

“They can try.” Kurai didn’t look overly concerned. “But we’re going south to Teneris while I moved our footprints to lead north from the camp. So, even if they returned already, they’ll be chasing the wind in the north, not us down here. ”

He reached for me to help me down from the horse too.

“You moved our footprints?” I asked, confused.

“Yes, I did.”

“How?”

“It’s not very difficult. All it takes is a simple spell and a dash of yellow sand. The storm will hide any tracks anyway eventually. But if they returned before that happened, they would be moving away from us, following the wrong tracks.”

“Good,” Shyanne grunted approvingly.

Gefred snorted. “There is no such thing as yellow sand.”

“There is in the world Above,” Kurai assured him.

“The one I have actually came from the world of humans. The queen’s guards brought it back on their shoes and clothing when snatching Joy Vessels from a desert in the human world.

I was allowed to collect it all. See?” He produced from his bag a small, corked vial with plain ordinary sand inside.

Gefred clicked his tongue in wonder. “It doesn’t even sparkle!”

“Exactly.” Kurai’s face lit up. “Isn’t it extraordinary? I don’t have much, but only a dash is needed for the spell to work.”

“That bag of yours is filled with rarities,” Malis tossed over her shoulder, passing by with a bundle of curved wooden planks that served as tent frames.

“Well, I am a rarity myself now,” Kurai retorted. “There are just a handful of Joy Guardians left.”

He sighed before helping Gefred untie the bundles from my horse’s back. I went with Shyanne to help her set up the few tents that survived the fire, while Raimus took care of the horses.

My thoughts remained with Kurai, however.

Spreading the thick, woven rags over the round, dome-shaped frames of the tents, I stole glances in his direction.

Our gazes met, and he smiled at me. His attitude toward me hadn’t seemed to change.

But something was off, and maybe it was all in my head, but I missed the ease of our interactions from before and loathed the tension that had replaced it ever since he said those three cursed little words.

I love you.

Why, oh why, did he have to say them?

I heard so many I-love-yous during my marriage, they lost their beautiful meaning to me. On the contrary, I’d learned to pull my head into my shoulders and wait warily for what would inevitably come next.

Dylan used to say “I love you” as a preamble to “but” before he would recite a long list of his disappointments with me.

Or he’d say it as an excuse after hurting me, “You know I only do this because I love you. This is for your own good. You need to know when you made a mistake and learn not to make them again.”

The echo of his scornful voice in my head made my stomach roil. The deep-rooted fear rose its head, making me look over my shoulder, as if my loathed ex-husband would suddenly appear from the desert, smiling with his fist raised for a blow.

“Ciana.”

I jumped at the sound of the voice behind me, a very different voice because it sounded like a caress when he said my name.

Kurai approached with two meal packs, an orange, and a roll of white bread in his hands. A water bag was under his elbow, pressed to his side.

“We’re out of pears, sadly. But I thought you may like these instead.”

“Thanks. I’ll eat anything right now.” I eagerly accepted his offerings, opened a meal pack, and bit into it right away.

He pulled back the parchment wrapper of the other meal pack and took a bite from the pressed mass of rice and meat.

I lifted the flap of the tent entrance, walked in, then sat down onto a rolled up sleeping pallet inside. Kurai took a place next to me, finishing his dinner.

“Do you want some of my orange?” I asked after finishing my meal pack that made me feel only marginally less hungry.

“No need to waste it on me.” He uncorked the water bag and took a drink.

“Have you ever tasted an orange?” I asked.

He paused for a moment, as if trying to recall.

“No. I don’t believe I have.”

“Unbelievable.” I shook my head, separating a segment of the fruit. “Here, try it now.”

He let me put the orange in his mouth, then chewed dutifully.

“And?“ I asked.

“It’s wet.” He winced. “And a bit acidy.”

“It’s sweet too. Do you not taste the sweet?”

“I do.”

“But you don’t find it enjoyable?”

“No. The taste doesn’t matter. Unless it’s spoiled or rotten.”

“Well, more for me then.” I put another segment in my mouth, enjoying the fragrant juice of the fruit.

Kurai watched me with his usual intensity, as if trying to taste the orange through me. Despite sharing each other’s emotions through his tendrils for weeks, we’d never had a meal during that time. Which meant Kurai had never truly enjoyed any food in his life.

“You never connected your tendrils to me in the sarai ,” I remembered.

“No.” He glanced aside, spiking my curiosity.

“There was a reason for that, wasn’t there?” I insisted.

He only attached them to me once the other option became to let me die in the desert.

“I…Well, back then…” He inhaled deeply as if getting ready to jump off a cliff into the ocean or…to make a serious confession. “Back in the sarai , connecting to any human felt like a betrayal, a sin.”

“A sin against what?” I asked, then answered my own question. “Against your Joy back in the temple, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “For a Joy Guardian, the one true Joy is only in the temple. For us, there can’t be any other. I vowed to worship and protect it. But lately…” He rested his gaze on me, his expression softened, as did his voice. “Lately, I’ve been filled with doubts.”

“Am I the reason for them?”

He smiled gently. “To me, you are the reason for everything, Ciana. Joy and sorrow both live inside you, sometimes at war, other times in harmony. And I wonder if that’s how it was always meant to be, that you arrived in our kingdom for a reason.

Maybe your people were meant to shatter our world, the way you have shattered mine.

And instead of embracing the humans and learning everything you have to teach us, we either just used you or pushed you away, unable to comprehend you fully and scared of you in our ignorance. ”

He watched me put another segment of the orange in my mouth.

“What does sweet taste like to you?” he asked.

“Do you want me to describe it?”

“Please.”

“Oh…I don't know. Let me think… You know that soft pleasure I felt when you washed my hair or scrubbed the sand off my skin in the pool back at the temple?”

His features relaxed at the memory. A soft, dreamy expression settled over his face.

“How could I ever forget?”

“Well, it’s kind of similar. The pleasure is most definitely there in both. It’s not overly intense, but it’s…nice.”

“Is it the same when I kiss you?” he asked.

I halted my breath as he leaned closer, waiting for my answer.

“I…I don’t know.” I licked my lips, dying to taste his kiss again. “I don’t remember.”

“Would a reminder help?” He placed a soft kiss on my mouth, stealing my breath.

The last segment of the orange fell out of my fingers. I cupped the back of his neck, drawing him closer, and he instantly deepened the kiss. My mind reeled. My body seemed weightless, floating in the world where there was nothing but me with him.

“No food can compare to this,” I exhaled once the kiss had ended. “Nothing tastes as good as your kisses, Kurai.”

He slid his thumb along my bottom lip, wet and warm from his kiss.

“Better than sweet,” he said softly. “The most beautiful taste ever. And the most exquisite pleasure.”

“How can you feel it without your tendrils?”

“I feel because I remember it, Ciana. I remember everything. Every kiss, every touch, every one of your orgasms.”

My face heated from all those memories. And with that, my confusion about my feelings grew. I wanted Kurai. He fit all my pieces so perfectly together, filled all the gaps, and healed the cracks. But there was one thing he couldn’t do. He still could not defeat my fear.

As he leaned in for another kiss, I shifted back.

“Kurai, I’m sorry. I…”

He paused, giving me time, but I had nothing else to say. When I couldn’t explain the things I was feeling to myself, how could I explain them to him?

“Do you want the sleeping pallets together or apart?” Kurai asked after dinner.

Without any discussion, he and I ended up sharing the tent. It was somehow decided by everyone that the two of us would spend the day together, and I certainly didn’t even think to object to that. But now I pondered my reply.

On one hand, I always felt far more comfortable when Kurai and I were close rather than apart.

But on the other hand, with all the confusion reigning inside me now, I didn’t want to keep giving him wrong signals. Kurai said that he loved me. And instead of cherishing his confession, it scared the shit out of me.

It didn’t seem fair to desire his closeness when I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings.

“Um, well…” I bit my lip, glancing up at him, then dropping my gaze. “Together is better for warmth, right?”