Page 27

Kurai grabbed for me, but I dropped to all fours and scurried out of his reach.

“Stay away from me!” Jumping to my feet, I ran, only to be yanked back by his tendrils that connected us.

He caught me around my middle, stopping me from falling backwards. “You can’t go up there. The guards may be here looking for you.”

“Better the guards than you.” I hissed through my teeth, then grabbed a tendril embedded in my arm.

I yanked at the shadowy appendage with all my might, ripping it out of the leilatha .

“What are you doing?” Kurai exclaimed in alarm.

“Get off me.” I pushed away from him, ripping another tendril out.

My knees buckled. My legs turned too weak to hold me. The room spun around me. My vision blurred with darkeners seeping in from all sides.

“Ciana.” Kurai caught me on my way down.

In his arms, the world suddenly righted itself. My head cleared, and my muscles grew strong with renewed energy as the two tendrils had attached themselves to me again.

“We can’t separate yet,” he said. “Not before you eat something. Or you may die.”

“Isn’t that what you want?? Isn’t it your mission to kill us all?”

He didn’t look surprised at me quoting his conversation with Oria. He knew I’d been awake and heard it.

“Why have you been keeping me alive all this time, Kurai?”

His chest rose with a deep breath. A corner of his mouth lifted slightly in a hesitant smile.

“For weeks now, I’ve been asking myself the same question.”

I found my footing, standing up straight, but he kept his hands on my shoulders.

“Is it true?” I asked. “Were you supposed to murder everyone in the sarai? ”

He inhaled to reply, but I stopped him by lifting a finger in warning.

“Don’t lie to me, Kurai. You’ve lied enough over all those weeks as it turns out.”

His eyes flared with indignation.

“I haven’t told you a single lie, Ciana.”

“But you haven’t told me the truth either. All this time, I thought you were my friend… more than a friend. I trusted you… How so very stupid of me. Again. I haven’t learned a damned thing from my past mistakes, have I?”

Regret, disappointment, and excruciating self-loathing pressed on me heavily, sending me down on the bed.

“My precious Ciana.” Kurai sank to his knees in front of me. “Trust is not a sin, nor is it your fault. It’s a gift you bestow on others. You can’t be blamed for them mishandling that precious gift.”

“Yet it’s always me who ends up paying for it. I’m the one getting hurt.”

“I’ll never hurt you.”

I scoffed at that. “You promised to kill me.”

“I promised to protect the Joy from any harm.”

“And I am the harm, ain't I?”

“No.” He smiled gently. “You are the Joy, my darling—the most precious joy in its purest form that makes our world better, not worse. That’s why I’m still alive.

I gave a vow to protect the Joy. A fae cannot break a promise or he would lose his mind and die a terrible death.

If you really were a threat to the Source of Joy, I would’ve already died because I cared for you, kept you alive, and brought you here, into the Joy’s sacred sanctuary.

But I’m still very much well and alive. I’ve been wondering why, and I believe I know the answer.

Because my vow isn’t broken. On the contrary, by protecting you, I’ve been upholding it.

I’d die to protect you, and I believe that deep in your heart you always knew it, that’s why you trusted me.

And I sincerely hope that you trust me still. ”

The passion in his words resonated through me, reaching my heart and urging me to believe him. Caution warred with that urge, however. Mistrust had rooted deep in my mind. A big part of it was mistrust in myself and in my judgement.

“What are you planning to do with me then?” I asked cautiously. “If you believe that I’m the same as the Joy in those jars upstairs, are you going to put me under a glass too? To use me as your personal source of joy whenever you feel like a pick-me-up?”

He put a soothing hand over my fidgeting fingers.

“If there is anything I’ve learned from my unlimited access to all your emotions, my dear, it’s that your joy is a flitting, delicate thing.

It’s generous in its abundance but can disappear completely in an instant.

Your negative emotions often negate the pleasure of the positive ones.

Your fear, uncertainty, and sorrow run deep, which makes being with you often more painful than joyful.

Yet I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to be with you not just because I want your joy, but also because I know I can help you get through the less cheerful moments.

I want to be there for you when you’re scared, hurt, or even just anxious, because I know that my presence makes you feel better.

You want me in your life. You need me. And I’m not going anywhere for as long as you do. ”

Unable to stand the intensity in his eyes, I dropped my gaze to my lap. My hands were gripping his, with our fingers laced together.

“I…I don’t know what to think,” I muttered. “How can I trust my decisions if I can’t even trust my own mind?”

“Trust your heart then. What is it telling you?”

I exhaled a laugh. “My heart is stupid. It just wants to be where you are.”

Letting go of my hands, he slid his palms up my arms to cup my face and to lift it to his, making me finally meet his eyes.

“If your heart is stupid, Ciana, then so is mine, for it also wants to be with you. Always.”