Page 36 of It’s Me, but Different

“Mom?” Ana Sofia tugs at my sleeve and brings me back to reality. “Can we take a break for hot chocolate? I'm cold.”

The resort cafeteria smells like cinnamon and chocolate, a mix that reminds me of Christmas mornings when the kids were smaller. We settle at a table by the window, from where we can see other skiers gliding down the slopes like colored dots on the white snow.

“Did you like the blue slope?” I ask Ana Sofia while Sloane appears with a tray full of hot chocolate cups.

“I loved it,” she responds without hesitation. “At first I got a little scared, but then, when I went behind Sloane, it was super fun. I wish I could live here all year.”

We fall into an uncomfortable silence. Sloane shifts her eyes toward the window, and her gaze gets lost on the horizon while I play with my paper napkin, folding and unfolding the corners.

Ana Sofia recovers her smile almost immediately when she receives a message from Lumi about something regarding a snowball fight that afternoon.

But I keep thinking about the slopes Ana Sofia will never go down and all the ski lessons Sloane will never give her.

And it hurts much more than it should.

Chapter 16

Esme

The hot water drops slide down my skin like small caresses while I rinse my hair.

Here, the shower has perfect pressure, nothing like the ridiculous showerhead in my Denver apartment, which barely manages to produce a trickle of water. In minutes, steam wraps around the marble bathroom like a cloud and I can feel tension leaving my muscles.

I can hardly believe it. Ana Sofia went down her first blue slope. My girl, who two weeks ago could barely stay standing on skis, has descended a slope that would have terrified me at her age.

And all thanks to Sloane.

The lavender soap slides between my fingers as I slowly soap my arms and I can't help but smile thinking about the way Sloane took care of my daughter when she fell. No panic, no overprotection, just calm confidence that got Ana Sofia to get up and keep going.

And the proud smile that formed on her lips when the girl finished the descent… She was almost as happy as I was.

I caress my breasts instinctively while soaping myself, hardening my nipples under my palms. Thousands of hot water drops hit my back. I bend forward and let my hands venture a little lower, following the curve of my waist. I smile as I trace with my fingertips the small stretch marks the twins' pregnancy left me.

Two nights ago, when undressing in front of Sloane, they made me feel a little insecure, but the way she kissed them before continuing down to my pubis still makes me sigh. As she said, they're a memory of the most beautiful part of my life.

It's a multitude of small details. Her gaze this morning when she helped me take off my ski gloves entering the cafeteria. Her fingers brushing mine for barely a second, but enough to send an electric shock through my entire body. The way her lips curved in a smile before pulling away.

Almost without being conscious of it, my right hand slides between my legs. The hot water has relaxed every muscle in my body, but a very different tension grows inside me. A tension that appears too frequently every time Sloane is near.

I slide my fingers over my sex, finding that exact rhythm my body needs, and my breathing becomes erratic. I hadn't masturbated thinking of her for eleven years, but this last week it's all I think about when I do it.

I lean against the shower wall, and the cold marble creates a delicious contrast with the hot water. I moan as I caress my clit while my other hand continues on my breasts, lightly pinching my nipples, imagining it's Sloane doing it. The sensations multiply: the temperature contrast, the sound of water falling on the floor, the lavender scent. The memories, so vivid they seem real.

I feel her hands instead of mine. Her long, strong fingers, capable of that infinite tenderness that makes my entire body tremble under her touch.

A soft moan escapes my lips, muffled by the sound of water. I speed up the rhythm, losing myself in fantasies I hadn't allowed myself to have in years.

But here, under this cascade of hot water, I'm simply Esme. A woman with desires and needs, like any other. Desires I've kept dormant too long.

The tension grows in my belly like a spiral that expands more and more. I feel more urgency, more need. Water falls on my skin, now so sensitive that each drop feels like a caress. And I allow myself to remember our first time and all the others that followed. That dominant attitude when we make love only to melt like a kitten with each kiss on her clit. And I think of her moans when she's about to have an orgasm, the way she says my name between gasps, how her back arches and then becomes totally relaxed.

The climax hits me almost unexpectedly, intense, liberating. I press my back to the wall while waves of pleasure run through me from my center. And for a moment,the world reduces to this pure sensation, to this rediscovery of my own sexuality.

To Sloane.

When I finally catch my breath, water keeps falling on me as if nothing happened. But something has changed. I've allowed myself to feel desire for Sloane without guilt. Without memories of my previous marriage.

I rinse one last time, letting the water carry away the soap remains along with the last inhibitions, and when I turn off the tap, the sudden silence feels almost deafening.