Page 15 of It’s Me, but Different

“I'm fine,” I lie, though I know my sister doesn't believe it.

“Sloane…”

“Seriously, I'm fine. It's just… strange, you know? Seeing her here, with her kids, being part of this,” I admit, making a vague gesture with my finger toward the table full of people. “It's like watching an alternative life somehow.”

“A life you could have had,” she confirms.

I simply nod slowly. I imagined a life with Esme a thousand times. Yet, I can't get out of my mind what it would have been like to be there when those kids took their first steps, when they said “Mommy”for the first time, when they lost their first tooth.

“Yes, a life I could have had,” I admit quietly.

At the other end of the table, my twin sister pours a new glass of wine while discussing something with Esme about environmental regulations affecting local businesses. It should be a boring conversation, but the intensity with which they talk makes it seem fascinating.

Soon, Harper joins the conversation across the table, discussing the merits of installing solar panels at the resort.

“Long term it would be more profitable and sustainable,” she assures. “Right, Sloane?”

I realize she's included me in the conversation even though I have no idea what they're talking about. I simply nod, trying to focus on something other than Esme's smile. For a moment, it's as if we're twenty again and planning how to change the world together.

“Sloane always liked sustainable energy projects,” Esme assures, making my sisters speechless and River practically choke on her wine glass. “Do you remember when you tried to convince the university to install solar panels in the dorm?”

“Sloane?” my twin sister asks with surprise.

“Yes, for a while she was quite the activist in college. When we were… Sorry,” she apologizes, realizing she was about to step into uncomfortable territory.

“An activist?” Ivy insists.

“She once chained herself to a tree they were going to cut down to make room for a new parking lot,” Esme assures, and I don't know where to hide anymore. “Then I don't know what happened, because she suddenly abandoned all those activities when we two…”

The entire table looks at me with amazement, and I can see the amusement in my sisters' eyes. EspeciallyRiver's, who seems to be enjoying it enormously while listening to the things I was capable of doing for love.

The rest of dinner continues with quite embarrassing stories about my college days (courtesy of Esme), anecdotes about River's mischief (courtesy of all the sisters), and an impromptu competition about who can tell the worst joke (won by Theo with something about rocks I didn't even understand, but that made everyone laugh at how bad it was).

When we finish dessert, Lumi takes Esme's twins to play with the console while the adults stay at the table to make good use of a new bottle of wine.

“Sloane has talked about you a lot over the years,” Julie confesses, and I feel myself turning red to the tips of my ears.

“Oh, really?” Esme asks, raising her eyebrows and looking at me with an expression I can't decipher.

“I have very good memories of that time,” I rush to clarify. “College anecdotes and those things.”

“Mmm,” Esme murmurs.

“You know what?” Ivy intervenes, realizing I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. “I think we should organize some activity for tomorrow afternoon. That way the kids will have the whole day busy. How about a snowshoe excursion?”

“Sounds great!” River exclaims, raising her glass in an imaginary toast. “Morning cooking class and afternoon picnic at the waterfall shelter.”

“Are there waterfalls around here?” Esme asks.

“They're frozen in winter, but they're spectacular,” I explain. “It's about a two-hour hike, perfect for kids Ana Sofia and Theo's age.”

Esme looks toward the living room, where the three kids are engrossed in what appears to be the electronic version of a rather violent alien invasion.

“I think they'd love it,” she admits with a sigh. “But I don't want to intrude on your family plans… It's enough that they're going to have a cooking class in the morning.”

“Not at all! It'll be a pleasure to take them,” River interrupts. “For you two I've prepared something very special,” she adds, pointing at us with her finger.

“River…” I warn her.