Page 29

His choice

Life crashed into my body unwillingly.

Tensing my eyes, I searched for the light, desperate for peace, but a huge crash thrust my body from its fiery grave.

Something freezing and wet slithered down my throat.

It felt like suffering.

Moisture soaked into my smouldering skin, my body shaking, but it wasn’t me shaking. As the tiniest breath of air was forced back into my lungs, a bolt of electricity ignited my muscles. Messages and impulses raced as I felt my legs tense and my head roll. Arms pulled me tightly, warm against the cold wetness. My neck seized and my legs twitched as my muscles fought through throbbing agony.

A cough erupted from me and my hands found the grass as my body freely convulsed, blood and grit and dust erupting from my mouth. The coughs were violent, but they cleared space.

Wheezing, I noticed a patch of vision clearing. Hands were on me.

Ben.

Ben is here.

My heart pumped out what felt like its first ever thump.

I collapsed back against his bent knees; let him cradling me as I spluttered violently. His mouth moved, furiously communicating something over and over and over. All I could hear was a bitterly familiar, high-pitched ringing, his face mostly a blur. The rain splashing into the puddles on the ground was deeply soothing, like the water now trickling down my face. I welcomed the rain, letting it rinse my eyes and return my vision.

Red.

Ben had red blood dripping down his face.

My hand shook as I reached for it. My arm felt so heavy I fought to move it, barely getting a blackened fingertip to his brow. His hand flew to mine, fingers pushing my palm into the side of face. His eyes shut briefly, rainwater running through his eyelashes as the hand supporting my back gripped me tighter. I allowed my head to bow into his chest, heaving deep, laboured breaths. My fingers curled around his shirt, bunching the once-white material as his body cocooned around me, damp and warm.

I could taste blood.

I could smell burning.

But I could feel Ben.

I felt the movement of his chest against my face. He must be talking. I could only hear the ringing.

I spluttered another violent cough, clasping my hand to my mouth as brown blood splattered out. Other people’s hands pulled at my shoulders – my body too weak to fight them – laying me back into the grass. A gloved hand bought a plastic mask that smelt of chemicals to my face, but I thrashed it away, reaching for Ben. I needed him. I needed him to keep me alive.

I watched as he waved a hand up, sensing my panic as I shielded my face. He rested his hand on my forearm, catching my gaze; asking silent permission. I slowly relented, allowing him to bring the mask over my nose. Cool mist shot into my airways.

He pulled me back into him, holding the mask in place as I breathed the artificial air.

Something popped softly in my ear. I bought my hand to it, noticing brighter, red blood. A paramedic mopped it away with something cold as sound poured into my mind – quiet and non-decipherable, like everything was underwater – but I was grateful for the return of noise that wasn’t ringing. Ben’s eyes were fixed on me as I realised just how surrounded we were. Hoses were releasing thundering water in the background, the field covered in vehicles. There were countless police officers and at least two ambulances.

The cool oxygen continued to fill my mouth and nose. Ben screwed his face up; he seemed to be shouting at DS Ernest, who was suddenly standing at my feet. I looked from one to the other, trying to make out the words as their lips moved consecutively.

Ben’s fingers gripped me tighter again.

Derek.

“Derek!”

I rasped, pulling at Ben’s shirt and straining to stand.

My mind emptied, just leaving the devastating image of him slumped, black and blue against the tree, arms quivering around the gun. The oxygen cord tangled around my arm as I staggered. DS Ernest reached to help, but Ben twisted fiercely, surrounding me with his body.

Where is Derek?

Ben gripped my cheeks but it was noise and pain and burning and I screamed out again, thrashing him off, needing to see. I couldn’t even hear the words, just feel my throat move; the air push through my lips. My body dipped as I fell again, my knees refusing to hold me. Ben pointed at an ambulance as I ferociously clung to him. The paramedic followed with the oxygen cylinder as Ben pulled me towards the van.

He has to be okay.

I tumbled inside to find Derek hooked up to an ECG machine, his paramedics staring at the squared paper. Fresh tears erupted and I bowed my head over his chest, holding me to him as I listened for his heart again, needing to know he was alive. In amongst the chaos, I needed to feel it.

I dragged the mask aside. “I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.”

My body shuddered with the sobs.

He coughed. “No, sweetheart, no. You did it, you got us out.”

There was sudden movement outside the ambulance doors. Ben shouted something, waving an arm at DS Ernest, who tried to usher him away.

I staggered back to him, swiping the mask off entirely. The words cleared and I slowly made out Ben’s yelling.

“I don’t care about the case! You put her in this situation again! How incompetent do you have to be to let this happen?”

I stepped down to the grass, reaching out to Ben and steadying myself on the open door.

“We’ll need a statement from you,”

DS Ernest explained.

I looked at Ben as the distorted words entered my consciousness in a blur. He supported me firmly, pressing my hip to his, but his body felt tense, animated.

DS Ernest continued. “Ivy, Sam is dead.”

I’d known it, but hearing it aloud hit me all over again. My body collapsed into Ben’s steady side as the shock took hold.

Sam was dead.

“Is that necessary right now?”

Ben shouted furiously, tightening his hold. “She needs to get to hospital.”

“This is a murder investigation. Processes need to be followed,”

DS Ernest replied sternly.

Murder. Sam was murdered.

Derek could have been murdered.

“Processes?”

Ben’s body shook with rage. “This is where your fucking processes have got us. Look around!”

“You need to calm down, Mr Carlson,”

DS Ernest commanded as something prickled in the air.

“Don’t tell me to calm down,”

Ben seethed, thrusting a finger at the smouldering building. “I didn’t see any of your men go in there. You would have left them all to burn!”

DS Ernest placed a hand on my arm.

I flinched.

“Don’t you dare touch her,”

Ben snapped, pulling me to his chest and shoving DS Ernest out of the way.

Fresh chaos erupted as two police officers grabbed Ben from behind. Strong hands held me back as I tried to scream after him.

“Ben!”