Page 23

Empty threats?

Cold and punishing, the whole police station was a prison cell. Derek waited for me the entire time, which actually turned out for the best. It was a heavy meeting.

Ruby and Frank had been arrested and bailed, insisting they had no idea I’d been kidnapped, miraculously having alibis, of course. Ridiculously, due to the lack of evidence, it was likely the Crown Prosecution Service would drop the case. DS Dores and Barnes were under investigation, which was a small mercy as they were on suspension. Off the record, DS Ernest told me they’d only been able to pursue the case for so long due to the media attention. Marcus and a few of his cronies had warrants put out against them, but had avoided arrest – easily, by the sounds of it. They’d conducted some searches, finding corroborative evidence for some of the laundering, which they were following up.

If the police shut one business down, they’ll build two more.

I felt frustrated by it all. It was the police who’d pushed and pushed me, frequently telling me there was hope. I should have trusted my gut all along. They seemed sure they would catch Marcus. I’d believe it when I saw it. I had a sinking feeling I would be seeing him first.

“This is unacceptable, you’ve just put even more of a target on her back!”

Derek shouted when he heard the news.

It was the first time I’d heard him raise his voice.

“We’re very sorry, Mr White. We understand your frustrations. We’re trying our best and will continue to build a case where we can. We should be able to get prosecutions on Frank and Marcus,”

DS Ernest explained.

Derek looked to me, then frantically back at the other officer present. “And what if we bring forward a private prosecution?”

DS Ernest sighed. “That’s always an option, and entirely your choice, but you will likely be working from the same evidence base, considering the case is historic.”

“Derek, it’s okay, let’s go. I have a terrible headache,”

I pleaded, needing an out.

Driving back to the house for some dinner, he questioned me more. “I just can’t fathom it. All these years we looked for you. It makes you want to leave the bloody country all together.”

I stayed quiet, not sure what to say. My head throbbed and I felt particularly vulnerable and uneasy. He took a breath and continued with increasing frustration as his fingers gripped the steering wheel harder. His anger was carefully stifled, but somehow that simmering undertone made it take up more space.

“I’m not a violent man, Ivy, but it makes me understand why people take justice into their own hands. When the police can’t even control their own.”

“Derek, please don’t say that,”

I interjected with a lump in my throat, my eyes pleading with him to change tack. The thought of him in harm’s way was too painful to process.

“Sorry, love.”

He let out another sigh. “Maybe you should come back and live with us for a bit. Until it blows over. Now that we’re retired, we’re home all the time. Your mother would fuss over you non-stop.” He paused. “It sounds like this is going to go on for months, maybe longer.”

I nodded slowly, looking down at my stupid cast. “I can’t stay with Ben forever. He’s been more than kind.”

“I know you two have feelings for each other. And I like Ben, he’s a good man. I just think I’d feel more comfortable with you at home. Maybe I can help you with this police business. Maybe we need to apply more pressure.”

He looked at me kindly. “You haven’t seemed like yourself today.”

The thought of getting more involved with the police filled me with a heavy dread.

“I’m okay. Maybe a change of scenery wouldn’t be a terrible idea.”

There was a pause as I ran my nails over one another.

“Has something happened with Ben?”

“Oh, no. The more I get to know him, the more I like him, but he’s been distant lately – busy with work – and I think I might be getting under his feet.”

The words hurt as they came out, making the sentiment more real.

“Have you spoken to him about it?”

I felt a subtle smile break over my face. It felt nice to talk to someone. I liked talking to Derek. He was just… easy.

“Not really. He’s not a big talker. Not least about anything to do with feelings.”

“Hm, I thought that might be the case. Dear, us men are strange; we’re built differently. Plus, he’s clearly had some challenges growing up. You’re always welcome home, but whatever you decide, I understand. There’s no pressure from us.”

I smiled fully at him. “Thank you, Derek, really.”

I felt on edge, but the thought of a few days with Susan and Derek was tempting; the tension with Ben was building.

I wondered if we both needed a few days to breathe.

Ben arrived home as I was nudging through the new pile of post. A white envelope with a handwritten address caught my eye. It was addressed to Chantelle and Ben. I picked it up, looking to Ben, who was headed to his bedroom to change.

I waved it towards him, considering how light it was as I turned it in my palm. “This is weird.”

There was something small and hard at the bottom.

I mostly got stuff online these days, but never to ‘Chantelle’. The name felt alien; it didn’t even feel like it was an old name – Chantelle was a different person.

Ben stopped in his tracks, walking back over to me. Seeing the name, he took it out of my fingers, ripping it open in near enough a single movement. He pulled something glossy out, before visibly stiffening, a single match falling to the worktop.

“What is it?”

I asked, concerned, leaning towards him.

His eyes narrowed; his words seemed to choke him. Then, after an inhale, he handed it to me. “Just some rubbish, call your liaisons officer, they might want to fingerprint it.”

He walked back to his room.

I lifted the flimsy note. As my eyes processed it, I let out a shriek, my body reacting before I could stop it. It was an article about Wayne Carlson. Ben’s dad.

Brave firefighter saves baby but loses life.

I swallowed. There was a haunting photo of a charred building, barely recognisable as a house, certainly not a family home. Streaks of stomach-churning black billowed from the windows and door. At the bottom was a photograph of two happy little children, looking angelic in matching royal blue school uniforms.

Ben and Lucy.

Ben looked slender and pale, tiny in his uniform, his blue glasses perched on his nose. Lucy looked more as I would’ve expected, her hair not totally tamed, not sitting up straight, and with a toothy smile. I traced my fingertip over the picture, sensing the gravity of what those little faces had been through.

I looked for Ben, but he was in the shower already, so I dialled the number the police had given me, my fingers lingering softly on the silky newspaper cut-out, as if it might catch fire in my hands.

“Hi, it’s Ivy White,”

I spoke into the phone. My voice was quiet; the words felt sad – I wanted to stifle them.

“Is everything okay?”

the officer answered promptly.

“Yes, well, we’ve had a strange piece of post, the first in a while, but this is more… direct.”

Within half an hour, an officer was at the door with a brown envelope. I hesitated to hand over the paper initially; it felt personal. It wasn’t until afterwards that I allowed myself to think about what it meant, what the threat insinuated. Ben appeared briefly for a quick exchange with the officer. They said they didn’t expect to find anything, but they would take it anyway. Ben did his best to seem unbothered.

“That was a strange reaction,”

I called gently to him.

He was watching television while I was leaned against the breakfast bar on my phone.

“I’ve seen it before. They can try to intimidate me all they like.”

He didn’t turn to look at me as he replied.

The image was stained into my mind – that typical residential house melting, as if it had been made of wax. The contorted children’s bike in the front garden surrounded by hauntingly scattered, coal-like debris. The image looked like death itself.

“Your dad saved a mother and a baby?”

I pressed, carefully, unsure of what I was trying to ask. It was like the roles had been reversed; I didn’t want to increase the distance between us by overstepping.

“Yes, he did,”

Ben replied dryly.

I reached for some glasses that needed drying.

Me

Hiya. We just got an article through the door about your dad. I didn’t realise he saved a mother and baby, that’s amazingly heartbreaking. Sorry to message you about it, but Ben’s being weird and I’m not sure what to do.

Lucy

Oh shit. Is he okay?

Me

I don’t know, he seems fine?

Lucy

He doesn’t ever talk about it, we’ve all tried to get him to face what happened. I would just leave it, if I were you. If he gets himself wound up just call me and I’ll talk to him. Are you okay?

Me

I’m okay, the police took it to trace. At least they posted it and didn’t put it through the door by hand. Thanks, I will xxx

“Do you want me to do that? Is your leg okay?”

Ben asked, turning to look at me as I reached to put the glasses in the cabinet.

“No, I’m good for now.”

He turned back.

“So… you don’t talk about it?”

He stared at the telly. “I’m like you, I prefer to just carry on, keep busy.”

“Oh.”

I considered my next words carefully. “But it’s been, what, twenty years? Of just carrying on? Did you ever talk to a Linda?”

“I had a Linda, yes. It never helped. I hate strangers trying to get in my head; I’m a private person. I don’t think there’s value in talking about it.”

His words left a chill in the air.

“Oh,”

I repeated as I put away the last glass.

Ben twisted fully to look at me. “Look, if we have this conversation, it just means Marcus, or whoever sent it, gets what they want, doesn’t it?”

“Okay,”

I replied respectfully, trying to understand.

I looked around the now spotless kitchen, light reflecting off the grey, glossy doors. I’d eaten. I’d tidied. I had no reason to stay up. Ben didn’t want any company.

Sat on the edge of my bed, I felt lost. Not for me, for Ben. He was such an island, yet with me, he seemed to know exactly what I needed. When he would take my hand or gently kiss me, it was medicine. It didn’t seem like Jessica would be the sort of person to encourage him to be open – her words had been shallow and cold. Maybe I couldn’t judge. Maybe he pushed her away.

Pulling on my pink pyjamas, I ran my finger over the satin, thinking. Was he at all affected by the article? How much of his nonchalance was a front? I scooped my hair up, looping it with an elastic. The thought of another restless night lingered.

It stirred some courage in me.

I brushed my hands over my cold thighs and headed tentatively towards Ben’s room. Drawing a deep breath, I nudged the door ajar, peering in, immediately wanting to turn back.

“Are you okay?”

he asked, worried.

“Yes, sorry.”

I stepped closer so he could hear me better.

I stood there for a second, the silence extra stifling in the semi-darkness. The smell of his cologne wafted from the bed, the slight moonlight catching strands of his dark hair through a gap in the curtains. I couldn’t find any more words, I just felt like I wanted to be with him, be close to him, feel him. I’d made it this far, so I willed my legs to take me to the side of the bed, where he sat propped up on his elbows, looking at me. I felt silly. I’d read this wrong again. This was about to be awkward.

“So?” he asked.

I thought I caught a smile in the darkness as the atmosphere shifted.

“I don’t know, sorry. I’ll go,”

I fumbled, turning to leave. I squinted my eyes shut and clenched my teeth.

As I took a step, familiar arms tugged me into the soft bed.

“I didn’t say anything,”

he joked, pulling me into the pocket of warm air.

I wriggled to drag the cast with me.

“Thank you for making that so much more awkward for me,”

I mumbled as I tucked back into him, his arms snaking around my waist. I resented the instant comfort I felt.

“You make it too fun.”

He hesitated. “I’m sorry about earlier, I just don’t talk about it. It’s not you.”

A few breaths passed between us as I felt myself warming up, realising how cold I’d become sitting alone.

“Why did you break-up with Jessica?”

I asked, glad to be facing away from him. Being back with him in his bed, bodies connected, felt so deeply correct. It terrified me.

“Oh, straight in with the big questions.”

Ben withdrew his arm from my side, tucking my ponytail away from my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. He pressed his lips into my newly exposed skin softly, then harder.

“I mean it,”

I protested. “Don’t try and distract me, I braved walking in here.”

“Braved?”

His breath was warm against my ear. I focused on trying to keep my body still, resist the desire to relax into him completely. Not yet.

“Yes, you can be very stern and intimidating, you know that.”

“I don’t mean to be, not with you,”

he whispered, brushing his teeth against my earlobe.

I turned around, placing a hand on his chest. “Stop it… I mean it. It’s weird and I don’t understand.”

He sighed, rolling onto his back. I pushed up on my elbows to lean over him so I could attempt to read his expression in the dark. He rested one of his hands on the small of my back. His touch was instantly soothing; a gesture proving he wanted me there.

“She wanted to talk about the wedding, the honeymoon,”

he answered, sighing.

“We were looking at honeymoons and all I could think about were client meetings… the office.

That’s when I realised how in-deep I was.

I knew I shouldn’t care; she should’ve made me not care.

Everyone kept telling me that I needed to settle down, that it’d make me happy.

I knew it was what Jessica wanted.

My other relationships hadn’t lasted because I’d always shied away from commitment, so I figured that’s where I’d been going wrong; people told me everyone felt like that.

But, in amongst the romance, the vow writing, I knew it wasn’t right.

I went away with work and thought about it a lot.” He tucked a loose piece of hair behind my ear.

“I tried to right it. She deserves someone who feels deeply for her. Of course, it was hard. I tried. I did. Tried to make it work. I thought it would make us both happy. Then, I tried to end it as best I could, but a few months later, she turned up drunk and it just got… messy. It was wrong. It happened a few times. I never sought her out, but at the beginning I wasn’t firm enough in saying no.”

“Did you love her?”

I asked quietly.

“I don’t know.”

It struck me as an odd answer.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“I’m thinking that if you’d have married someone you didn’t know you loved, it would have been really sad.”

“Sad?”

“Sad,”

I repeated. I lowered myself onto his chest, resting my arm across his body.

“Did you love Sam?”

“I did.”

I let out a soft sigh as he stroked his hand up my arm. “Thank you for telling me,” I added, appreciating that he had let me in.

“Well, you hold me to account, Ivy, more than I’m used to. I’m not sure if I like it.”

We laughed.

“So, do you want me to creep into your bed another night and ask you about your mum?”

I offered, looking up.

His hand paused on my arm briefly, the little hairs pricking back down. He didn’t speak; I could almost feel the cogs in his mind turning over.

I twisted slowly, meeting his lips and kissing him, just gently. “I’m sorry that so many people have let you down,”

I whispered.

He pulled me in, hugging me tightly and kissing me back.

“Thank you.”

He edged back to run a hand down my cheek, gently rubbing his nose against mine. “You realise you can’t leave now?”

My head tilted in his hands. “What do you mean?”

His thumb traced my jaw. “I mean, you can’t leave me. You’re in too deep.”

“Okay.”

I smiled. “You have to be honest, though. No more hiding. I feel like you’ve been avoiding me the last few days.”

He kissed the tip of my nose, then the ridge of my cheekbone. My body melted at his touch.

“I wasn’t avoiding you.”

I pulled my face back to shoot him a knowing look. “Honest?”

“I have no interest in avoiding you. Quite the opposite, most of the time, trust me. Things got intense with Jessica and I thought you wanted space. You said you didn’t want to talk about it, then you were asleep when I got back the other night, after getting me so hot under the collar at work.”

I laughed, welcoming a deep feeling of relief.

When Ben’s alarm rang in the morning, it felt lovely to stretch and feel him there.

He turned to switch it off, rolling back into me.

“I’m going to miss you these next few days,”

he murmured, lacing his fingers through mine.

“I’ll miss you too.”

“Will you be okay?”

he asked, analysing my expression.

“I’ll be fine, I need to do it. Actually, the more time I spend with Susan and Derek, the better I feel.”

“You’re all like pieces of a puzzle. You have their natural kindness,”

Ben replied tenderly.

I smiled at him. Every time a layer peeled back, he seemed softer, but in an enticingly secret way. “Thank you. You would’ve hated that homely, cutesy version of me if none of it had happened.”

He laughed. “I would’ve passed you in the street hugging a one-eyed kitten and still thought you were breathtaking; I would’ve still spoken to you”.

“Liar.”

He grinned, kissing me until his alarm went off again.

Ben had insisted I come along to his morning meeting, which I wasn’t entirely comfortable about. The impressive, glass-walled boardroom held a hoard of smartly dressed people, most in their twenties and thirties. When he opened the door, they all stared at him expectantly. I followed him in, feeling like a lost puppy. My gut had been right; it was weird. The seats around the big table were taken by the higher-up members of his polished team – Head of Marketing, Sales Manager, Head of Finance – so I slowly crept to the back and stood next to Charlie.

“Hi,”

he whispered warmly. “Let me get you a seat.”

“No, no. I just want to blend in, thanks.”

Ben pulled out the large black chair at the head of the table with ease, making himself comfortable. This was his puzzle, for sure. When he spoke, he effortlessly commanded the room as people turned obediently to him. They fought to be heard and impress him.

Just as I thought I was about to get away, he called out, “As most of you know, Ivy has been with us for a few days. She’s proven herself to be a huge asset to the team and has worked with Charlie on VAT reclaim for his accounts. I suggest anyone with international purchases finds her to see if there is more to be done.”

Everyone looked at me expectantly, their eyes analysing. My cheeks flushed so hard they burned. Lucky for Ben, he had to rush straight into another meeting, narrowly avoiding my wrath.

Charlie walked me out. “You didn’t appear to enjoy that.”

I grunted. “Oh god, was it that obvious?”

He shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m not surprised he mentioned you – you were slick with the numbers.”

“Thanks, but I’m hardly corporate. You’re all experienced, well-educated, and well-dressed. I’m clearly out of place.”

“Not at all. I’ll take the compliment, I do appreciate a good suit, but when I started here it was hard for me to fit in too. It can be competitive here, but Ben is a fair boss.”

“Oh, I’m not technically working here.”

We were interrupted by a pristine, black-haired woman. “Hi, we’ve booked a meeting room at 10 a.m. Can you show us your VAT thing? Room three?”

“Um, sure,”

I mumbled, looking to Charlie as she walked away, red-soled shoes clacking. “Help? Who is that?”

He laughed. “Zoe. You don’t need my help, but I’ll sit in if you’ll go to lunch with me after?”

“Deal.”

I sat down nervously at the corner of the oversized table. Seriously, people only really brought a laptop with them, why did it have to be so huge? Chair wheels creaked as Charlie sat beside me, opening his MacBook.

“What perfume do you wear?”

he asked, rolling his silver pen between his fingers.

“Gucci Guilty, why?”

“I like it, it’s strong. It’s not what I expected you to wear. I would’ve had you as a Marc Jacobs kind of girl… maybe Daisy. It was annoying me; I can normally identify perfume on people from across the room.”

“Ben’s sister Lucy insisted on buying it for me when we went out. That’s a great skill though, if not particularly useful in this industry,” I joked.

“No, maybe not. A perfume shop would be the dream, it’s just not as lucrative.”

“So, Daisy? Why?”

“You seem sweet and fluffy; Guilty is a little darker. What are you hiding?”

I laughed. I enjoyed his company. “Nothing that would interest you, I’m sure.”

He grinned. I looked at the clock. 10:05 a.m.

“Basic Chanel bitches; it’s a power play,”

Charlie stated, noticing the time.

“So, what do I do?”

“Nothing. Literally. Don’t play the game. They just want Ben and you’ve pissed them off by making it look easy. This office is like a zoo full of territorial animals and the bitches are the worst.”

I snorted my tea, laughing. “Charlie! Really? Besides, it’s not like that.”

“Indulge me, what is it like?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“My car broke down and Lucy stopped when she saw the car, offering me a place to stay. I met Ben. His niece fell in a river one afternoon when we were having lunch.”

His eyes glinted as he listened intently. “I went in after her and Ben pulled me out of the water. From there we started to get to know each other. We got kind of… close.”

He shook his head slowly. “Epic.”

I laughed again, relaxing as I pointed at him playfully. “I saw you checking out Damien from tech in our meeting the other day. Why won’t you ask him out?”

He straightened, widening his eyes. “You did not notice that. Have you been speaking with Catherine?”

He sighed as I shook my head. “I’m not sure which team he’s on.”

“What? I’d always assumed that would be easy to work out when you were on said team?”

“If only it were that easy. I’m a fancy-dressing, perfume-wearing gay that is attracted to the subtle, broody, masculine gay. It’s a curse; a sexy one, but an unfortunate one none the less.”

At 10:11 a.m., the door opened, interrupting us and letting two smartly dressed women stroll in. There were no apologies given for their lateness.

“Charlie, are you playing babysitter?”

Zoe snarked, running one pointy red nail over the back of a chair.

Charlie shifted in his seat. “Claws away, ladies, the content is there if you can get over yourselves enough to listen to her. Ivy, that’s Jennifer.”

My face broke into a half smile; I liked him even more.

Zoe looked to Jennifer with a flick of her shining hair. “Well, if she’s such an asset to Ben…”

I swallowed. I was being baited.

Jennifer looked at me. “Go on then.”

I licked my lips before running them through the process and figures carefully and simply, following Charlie’s advice.

“… so you don’t even need to charge, really, you can just take a percentage. An easy win,”

I finished.

Zoe tried to hide her irritation. “Where did you learn that? I heard you didn’t even go to school.”

Charlie went to speak, but I jumped in. “I learnt what I could where I could. Ben asked me to share this, so I have. Whether you choose to do anything with it or not is up to you.”

Charlie clearly approved.

Jennifer laid her cold eyes on me. “What else has Ben asked you to do, though? “

“Don’t credit that with a reaction, Ivy,”

Charlie hissed. “I hardly think our boss’s personal life is something we should be discussing.”

Zoe placed her hands on the table, leaning towards us. “Calm down, Charles. We’re just playing.”

Sensing the anger simmering in Charlie, I shut down the conversation and made an exit, lifting up the laptop Ben had loaned me.

Jennifer called after me. “Some friendly advice though, pet. Ben got bored of Jessica when they were engaged, so don’t get comfortable. Wouldn’t want you getting hurt.”

Charlie took my hand, leading us straight out to lunch.

“Well, that was catty,”

he commented as we settled at a table in a nearby coffee shop.

Luckily there’d been a booth free that I could skulk in.

“Sorry, Charlie. If I’d known they would be like that I wouldn’t have involved you,”

I said, stirring my latte. If I’d have known, I would’ve just gone home.

He flicked his hand. “Oh, please, it’s the most interesting meeting I’ve been to in years. Are you okay, though?”

I prodded at the toasted sandwich in front of me. “Is that really how people see me?”

Charlie hesitated. “No, Ben is just a hard character to read. It was a surprise at first, but to be honest, I get it now, after getting to know you.”

“Thanks, I think? So, what’s your favourite perfume?”

As I sipped my coffee, I watched the question wash over him, his eyes following someone.

I turned to see Damien ordering a coffee with two members of his team.

“Have you ever even spoken to him?”

I whispered, startling him.

“Yes!”

“About something other than tech?”

“Yes. Kind of. At the Christmas party.”

“Right,”

I said, enjoying someone else’s relationship play out.

Charlie was in a trance, captivated by the tall, slender man walking to a nearby table.

“Why don’t you just ask him?”

I prompted, biting my sandwich.

Charlie looked at me, coming back to the moment. “Ask him what? How he feels about dick?”

I laughed. “Yes, or just to join you for coffee one day, maybe.”

“It’s not that easy,”

Charlie sighed, suddenly looking vulnerable.

Hesitating, he went on to explain how his last boyfriend hadn’t come out to his family. How when they’d wanted to move in together, his parents found out, and instead of being supportive, they’d actively blamed Charlie.

“… Ben is a great boss, sure, he only cares about the work. But that’s unusual, especially at this level of financial consultancy. I had an interview for a company once that told me they worked with a lot of American clients and asked whether I ‘would be open about my sexuality’? I took the Pride Fundraising piece off my CV after that. So, Damien might not be comfortable being open with his sexuality, especially with a colleague – we all have horror stories.”

As we walked back to the office, I turned over the morning’s events in my mind.

“Where’d you go?”

Ben asked, looking up from his laptop as I walked through the door to his office.

“I went for some lunch with Charlie.”

I smiled. “You should get to know him, he’s funny, really smart too.”

He glanced at an email as it popped-up. “I try not to get personal with colleagues.”

“Oh, right.”

I fidgeted. “Well Charlie was really supportive, in the meeting.”

Ben sat up, focusing on me. “Supportive?”

I nodded slowly, realising my error. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Did something happen?”

“No.”

I stopped, not wanting to cause trouble or make myself seem even more pathetic. “Not really. It was just a bit tense.”

“With who?”

he demanded, instantly leaning forwards.

I traced a finger over the corner of the desk, feeling the bumps of the wood. “No one specific. I just shouldn’t exactly be here, should I? As your roommate, colleague, anything. People won’t take me seriously.”

“Who won’t take you seriously?”

It was frustrating that he didn’t even attempt to understand, resorting to anger so easily.

“Everyone, Ben.”

I leant against the desk and slipped my fingers into his, savouring the physical connection. “Being with you is like I could never have imagined. The way you make me feel, the way you’re just there for me, no one has ever been any of that for me, not even close. But with everything else… it’s distracting. Honestly, I’m feeling a bit… overwhelmed. I feel like since we went to the theatre, things have got complicated, and it hurts. I don’t want to lose how things used to feel between us. I don’t want to add more pressure… but I feel like my head is exploding by trying to put all of it together – work, living together, the police, and the mess Marcus dumped on us. Derek thought maybe I should go and live with them for a few days, so I can clear my head.” I kept my gaze down, scared to read his expression.

His tone stung with the hurt I’d inflicted. “You don’t want to live with me?”

Silence stilled the air in the angular room.

“It’s just… a lot.”

I looked up, attempting to pour into his eyes how I was feeling, willing him to make it better. He placed a hand on my hip, trying to pull me onto his lap. I resisted; the eyes behind the glass wall felt like they were burning. Zoe and Jennifer were probably out there taking bets. I hadn’t meant to start this conversation in an observatory. Last night had felt like we were sharing this precious, indulgent intimacy that I wanted to protect. I didn’t want us to fall out over workplace drama. I wanted to fantasise about the few parts of him I hadn’t seen yet, not throttle him for dragging me into that meeting and not listening.

“I can’t, Ben.”

I stepped back. “If you do that, no one will respect me. If you want me here, we can’t. Don’t you see?”

His eyes looked searchingly into mine. Even as more words came out, I knew I wasn’t explaining myself properly. I could tell by the look on his face.

“I really don’t care what they think, and frankly, anyone who makes you feel anything like that can pack up their desk.”

“Ben!”

I raised my voice, willing him to understand. “Don’t you see, that’s exactly it. I mean, pulling me into that meeting?” My phone started buzzing from my bag: Susan, no doubt.

“Let me walk you out,”

he said simply, standing up and lifting the bag I’d brought earlier.

As the lift went down, it felt painfully full of people. The desire for Ben to wrap me in his arms was overpowering; I didn’t want to leave it like this. Of course, it was just my luck that there were people everywhere on the journey, even in the car park.

“I didn’t realise it would make you uncomfortable,”

Ben mused, pausing by the waiting car.

Our hands were clasped together but both of us were tense as he pulled me to face him.

“I know, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to bring it up like that.”

I squeezed his hand. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Susan waving exuberantly.

He leant down to place a fleeting kiss on my forehead. “Look after yourself.”

“I will, you too.”