Page 11

Found photographs

Fate had seemingly grown impatient. I gawked at Susan on the television screen, barely recovered from the swab Lucy had taken earlier. I’d been waiting for Ben to get back, watching the lasagne crisp up, when I’d seen it on the news; when she’d held the photo up. I twisted so hard I hurt my barely recovered rib, sending myself tumbling into a heap against the worktop, struggling to find my grip. I’d been used to having two legs for longer than one. I didn’t even remember leaving the kitchen area, but I was sitting down when I heard the door open. My eyes were fixed on the screen.

“Hello, Bambi,”

Ben called from behind.

I stared at the repeating news story.

“I mean, I didn’t expect you to have missed me exactly, but—”

“The photo must have fallen out of my bag. Susan found it.”

I turned to him, finally blinking. “Maeve’s mum found the photo, and now they’re investigating it.” I clutched the damp flannel in my hand – I’d knocked my lip when I fell.

Without dropping the laptop bag from his shoulder, he paced over to me, sitting beside me and gently taking my jaw in his hand, angling it up to look at my lip.

“What happened?”

he gasped, not letting go.

“I was looking at it outside their gate; I thought Marcus took it.”

His thumb grazed over my chin. “No, what happened to you?”

He lowered his hand and dropped his bag from his shoulder.

“Oh, I fell,”

I explained. “I’m fine. But…” I looked back at the newsreel. “Look. They’ll know, Ben. They’ll all know.” I could hear the air rushing in and out of my lungs.

He looked at the screen long enough to read the appeal running along the ticker tape. “How will they know?”

I tried desperately to slow my breathing. “Lucy took a DNA swab this morning. We thought we could do it anonymously, so they didn’t have to know, you know, unless they needed to know.”

He shook his head, suddenly animated. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

I clenched the flannel, staring down at the fleck of blood. “Oh god.”

“Hey. Elle, look at me.”

I turned slowly to face him.

“It’s going to be okay. You’re okay.”

He rested his warm palms on my knees. “You’re alright, Elle, just breathe.”

He was right, I felt like I’d been pretending to breathe. My phone rang and my eyes darted towards the screen. Lucy. I stood up, forgetting yet again that one leg was useless, and stumbled around the corner of the sofa.

My mind was racing. “I can’t, I can’t…”

I can’t be her. I can’t speak to them. I can’t see him again.

I stepped back, reaching a hand towards the worktop. “I can’t.”

Ben appeared beside me instantly, pulling me into his chest without hesitation. It felt like he was holding the pieces of me together. My phone went silent before starting up again.

“She can wait a minute,”

he reassured me, tucking my head into his shoulder and gently rubbing my back.

The next few hours were a haze. Lucy had insisted on coming over when Ben picked up the phone. We all sat and watched the news together on the sofa. Lucy asked me to explain what I’d told her the night before whilst Ben insisted that we could scrape the burnt black layer on the top of the lasagne off. Lucy twitched every time her phone lit up. She’d given the police my number, and it wasn’t long before they called.

Lucy gripped my hand. “Answer it. It’ll be okay.”

“What if it’s them?”

I asked in a whisper, the hairs on my neck standing on end.

I glanced down as the phone vibrated steadily across the table, the reverberating glass escalating my heart rate with every buzz.

Ben looked at us both and Lucy nodded. He answered the call. I tried to hear the words, but it was like my brain refused.

He looked at me, placing his hand over the microphone. “It’s a DS Ernest. From the Maeve case department.”

I focused on breathing. Focused on letting the air in and out as I stayed frozen. Ben paced off into his bedroom with the phone.

“It’ll be alright,”

Lucy soothed. “Ben will make sure it’s alright.”

In what felt like no time at all, Ben was back, extending the phone to me. “The two officers you mentioned before, you don’t need to worry about them.”

Tentatively, I took the phone. It didn’t feel like me talking as I answered their questions. It felt robotic. Lucy had to leave to get the kids from their after-school club, so Ben sat with me while I explained the basics down the phone, including how I’d found the photo. It didn’t take much before they were knocking on the door.

It was like walking on glass, waiting for one fracture to bring everything down. I told them about Henworth, keeping the details vague, leaving their colleagues out of it. Ben sat beside me, an arm around my shoulders, encouraging me to keep going when I couldn’t. After an hour of questions, they asked to see the mark on my shoulder. I looked at Ben, who held me whilst one of the officers rolled up my shirt and made some notes. I buried my head in Ben’s shirt. The DNA results would take two or three days, so we had no choice but to wait. The officers agreed to keep things anonymous for now, at least until the results came through.

Ben ran me a bath when they’d gone, insisting I eat something, despite my protests. I tried to hide the fact that I was sick shortly afterwards. When I eventually made it to bed, the room was spinning.

“Do you need anything else?”

Ben asked, appearing with a glass of water and placing it down as I gripped the sheet, feeling like I genuinely might fall out of the bed.

“I’m so sorry, Ben.”

He sat down carefully by my legs. “I’m going to get a sorry jar. Please stop. You have nothing to be sorry for, we knew this would happen one way or the other. At least now you’ll know.”

“What if they come here? Looking for me.”

“They won’t get into the building, and besides, it doesn’t seem like the police knew anything. You could’ve told them more, but I understand why you didn’t. One thing at a time. The way I see it, you’re safer now; they won’t be so bold as to make a move amongst all this media attention. We just have to wait for the results.”

“You haven’t even had time to change,”

I whispered, noting his creased shirt and the smudge of black on his shoulder from my mascara.

“I know.”

He ran his hands down his thighs. “I’m going to go shower. Will you be alright?”

I nodded.

When Ben re-appeared in his boxers and t-shirt a short while later, I hadn’t moved.

“Would you like some company?” he asked.

I nodded again and forced a smile. He eased into the double bed next to me.

He gently pulled me over to him so that my head rested on his warm chest. “How are you so freezing?”

Warmth was the last thing my body was concerned with; ever since I’d laid down, everything had gone painfully quiet. I let my eyes close briefly as Ben delicately stroked my hair away from my face.

I swallowed, trying to find my voice. “Thank you. For everything. You really don’t have to let me ruin your evening as well.”

“An evening spent with you has yet to be a bad one. Maybe I want to stay with you, Elle, have you considered that?”

I shook my head. “I just don’t know what I’m going to do. If I’m not her, they’ll investigate Henworth. Well, I guess they will either way.”

I sighed. “If I am her, I’ll have to meet Susan and Derek.”

He stroked my hair again, the long strands tickling my neck as he brushed them back. “Right now, you need to rest.”

“How?”

I asked desperately.

“Just lie there and shut your eyes. I’m not going anywhere.”

He smelt like bergamot shower gel, his chest rising rhythmically with his heartbeat. It felt like, for the first time in hours, my muscles relaxed, and as soon as they did, I remembered; as soon as my body gave an inch, my mind took a fresh mile, instantly ready with the next thing to panic about.

“Jessica stopped by, she said you owe her lunch,”

I said suddenly, tilting my face up to his.

“What?”

“She knocked on the door yesterday evening. I told her I’d pass on the message. Sorry, with everything going on, I forgot to tell you.”

I felt his body tense underneath me as his hand paused on the back on my neck. “What else did she say?”

I looked back down, tucking into him further. “Nothing. Sorry, I should’ve said earlier. You should probably go text her.”

I savoured the temporary comfort, waiting for him to get up.

“She didn’t say anything else to you?”

“No.”

His hand swept back through my hair. “Okay, I’ll speak to her tomorrow.”

I lay there for a minute, enjoying the feeling of my eyelids growing heavy.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“I did miss you. You asked me earlier.”

I didn’t know why I’d said it, maybe I was just too tired to stop myself. I thought I’d regret it as soon as the words left my lips, but I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I had missed a man I barely knew so much, but I had.

“Good. I missed you too.”