Page 22

Office politics

The next morning, I listened as Ben moved around the apartment, staying quiet, hiding in plain sight. I was awake before his alarm had started ringing and it still made me jump. Everything made me jump: the kettle clicking off, the letter box clanging, even cars moving outside. I shut my eyes, running my fingers over the duvet, imagining it was Ebony’s mane, sounding her heavy heartbeat in my mind.

The animals had kept me sane. I’d found a kitten once in a hedgerow, mangy and skinny, but it had mewed so desperately that I’d loved it instantly – it had so much spirit. I’d wondered how that kitten had such a thirst for life when everything it knew had been so cold and damp. It was like the very ground of Henworth was toxic, infecting all of those treading the muddied grass. Flashes of humanity were not only fleeting, but seen as weakness. The very next week, I’d had to cover my bruises with concealer, after Marcus had held me back while his thugs set their dogs on the poor little cat.

I pushed the thought away again, unable to bear thinking about what might have become of the horses, praying Ebony held enough value to survive. I’d considered going back; breaking in and riding off with her into the night, but I knew that would only guarantee her pain.

The shower clicked on and off. I heard the tell-tale sign of keys and a bag. Was Ben really just going to leave without saying anything?

I braced myself, sitting up in bed just as the door nudged open. I felt a complicated wave of relief.

“Oh.”

Ben lifted the strap of his leather bag higher on his shoulder. “I thought you were still asleep.”

I shook my head softly, clamping my teeth on my lower lip. “Ben, I—”

“It’s my fault. Jessica. Before, things got complicated, but it’s over, it has been for a while. That’s what I wanted to say last night.”

He stood still in the doorway, running his thumb over his car key.

“You don’t have to explain yourself, it’s okay, I get it.”

I didn’t, but saying it was an impulse I had to appease people; the words shot out before I could stop them.

“You get what?”

I shifted my heavy leg to sit up taller. “I know you’re private, you don’t have to explain. It’s complicated, I get it. You have been so kind helping me,”

I floundered, digging a hole as he flinched with irritation.

He went to say something but stopped himself, letting out a breath before trying again with a sort of forced control. “Well, like I said. It’s over, with Jessica. I’ll talk to her again. She won’t come back.”

I nodded.

“Is Derek still coming to pick you up? Do you need a lift back?”

“No, thank you. They seem happy to help and it saves you the job, you know, with work and stuff.”

“Are you alright?”

He dared a step in further, his eyes rounding.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t be late for work on my account.”

Ben hesitated, unsure whether to take another step. “I hope it goes okay at the station. Don’t take any crap.”

“Thanks.”

He faltered, looking like he might speak again, before turning and walking away.

The day passed in a haze of tiredness. The police had a fresh round of questions, grilling me for every detail, bringing up yet more painful memories. Even Susan grated on me that afternoon – she was painfully excited about planning the trip, but everything felt like too much. Derek took me aside and asked if I was alright, which I appreciated, but couldn’t answer.

It was silly, but I was nervous all over again waiting for Ben to come home that evening. I’d made a simple dinner and had already eaten mine by the time he texted to say he’d be late.

Catherine had offered to take me shopping the day after for a few office clothes, so that I had something more appropriate to wear whilst I worked on the VAT project. I’d mentioned to her about feeling silly compared to the other glossy women. She’d laughed, of course, but when Ben suggested we go, she’d said she would take any chance to shop during work hours. I hoped it would make me feel more confident going back in; the truth was I was regretting my brazen offer of help all together. I didn’t know what I was doing. Not day-to-day, let alone anything more, anything so important.

Jessica’s visit had confirmed my suspicions; I’d gone where I didn’t belong.

I was looking at the telly when Ben came home, not even aware of what was playing. I turned to return his greeting, only to see him cradling a large bunch of delicately wrapped, dusty pink flowers. The fresh, invigorating smell of eucalyptus instantly filled the apartment.

I looked at him, confused; unsure what to say.

He rested the bouquet down on the worktop with a rustle. “Pink was an obvious choice. I hope you like them.”

“For me?”

His keys chinked as they dropped into the bowl. “Of course.”

My eyes darted around as my mind rejected the gesture. No one had ever bought me flowers before. One of the clients bought me a plant once, but it had died in the darkness of the caravan.

Ben headed into his bedroom as I wondered what to do next. I hobbled over to the counter, rubbing two fingers over a delicate petal.

Me

Thanks again for earlier. Ben bought me some flowers, they look like they’re in water already, in the plastic. What do I do with them? How do I look after them? I feel silly asking, sorry xx

Susan

Don’t thank me, we enjoyed seeing you, as always. If they’re from a supermarket, you chop a bit off the bottom of the stems and put them in a vase. There will be a packet of plant food to sprinkle in. If they are from a florist, you can just put them straight in a vase, but still add the little sachet. Does that help? xx

Me

Yes, perfect, thanks xx

I lifted the bouquet, indulging in the sweet smell, and spotted a little plastic packet underneath the thick white ribbon. I turned to open the cupboard doors, seeing what looked like a vase next to the wine cooler on the top shelf. I reached up towards it, balancing on the tip of my cast and grunting.

Hearing Ben’s footsteps, I remained focused on the vase.

My shirt lifted and I gasped quietly, the worktop cold against my stomach. Ben looped his arm around me, grazing warm fingers over the exposed skin and extending his other hand easily to the shelf, lowering the vase to the worktop; pulling my body back into his.

“Your cupboards torment me,”

I muttered, before turning in his arms.

He huffed a laugh, not stepping back. “Need me to get you a stool? Sophie has one shaped like a giraffe.”

He raised an eyebrow, smirking, so I pushed away and reached for the flowers.

“They’re really beautiful, thank you.”

Ben folded his arms, watching me, making me paranoid about doing it wrong.

“You’re welcome.”

“No one’s ever bought me flowers before.”

He reached for a glass to make a drink. “No one’s ever made sure I got to bed before. Sleeping on the sofa gives me a crick in my neck.”

I started untying the ribbon from the bouquet, tipping the old water down the sink.

We were soon chatting like normal as we moved around each other, but it was different. Something was different.

When the night blanketed the sky, I headed back to the guest room again. Alone.

“Thank you, I really enjoyed that,”

I said to Catherine as she checked her lipstick in a small compact after our shopping trip.

The lift pinged when it reached Ben’s offices. I certainly felt better about my meeting with Charlie now that I was wearing a pencil dress, although the blush lip was probably too much. Suddenly, I didn’t want the doors to open, knowing there would be a sea of eyes.

No, I told myself. You can do this.

I was stuck between the guilt of living off Ben’s generosity and the uncomfortable, imposter vibe the office gave me. I’d abandoned my CV, which, to be honest, had been a non-starter when my qualifications were one line and all my experience was, well, shady. When I got to the ‘about me’ section, I’d realised I had no idea what to put. So, helping Ben was the right thing to do; it made him happy, it was the least I could do. I smoothed my grey dress and brushed down the scalloped collar.

Catherine winked at me. “No problem.”

Ben jolted out of his chair as she opened the door to his office, looking confused; looking for me, maybe? I was a few clumsy steps behind Catherine. I walked past her and into his office, closing the door behind me. Seeing him in his swanky office made him seem physically bigger. The businessman, both firm and fiercely intelligent, yet deceptively broken and subtly sweet. I was coming to understand Ben, the parts of him he was showing me, anyway. I knew I wanted more, needed more, and not just the parts of him that were easy to admire, but the shadows too. I resented the changing tide between us. I had no idea how to slow it down, or even if I should.

“Did you have a nice time?”

he asked, looking at me, starting to get up before hesitating and returning to his big grey chair.

The glass walls were imposing.

“I did, thanks. Catherine is really great. How are you?”

I asked, smiling.

His hand lay open on his desk, so I walked over and took it, propping my crutch against the wall and leaning on the wooden desk, facing him.

God, he was sexy.

“It suits you, the smart look.”

He licked his lips subtly, “Maybe we should fire Catherine and you could become my assistant.”

I hit him playfully on the arm. “Catherine is one of a kind. Besides, I’d rather be your competition.”

It felt unnatural to air the previously forbidden dream I’d dared to indulge; to think I could have my own career one day when things settled down. Forge my own path.

He sat up straight, bringing the tip of his thumb between his lips. “That’s big talk.”

He looked at me over his glasses, half a smile breaking.

“Well, I’m starting to get the impression you may have too many people falling at your feet. I wouldn’t want your head to get any bigger.”

I circled my finger on the desk, pausing to hold his stare defiantly. Flirting always felt like steady ground between us and I was craving something straightforward.

He rolled his chair towards me so our knees touched. “I seem to remember the first day we met you did exactly that on the verge.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, tilting my head back. “I told you that was an accident. I could’ve got back up on my own.”

“If you want to be my competitor.”

He paused, and I felt his finger on the inside of my knee, slowly sliding up. “You’re going to have to try harder than that.” He gripped my thigh, making me sway towards him, the feeling of his fingers around my warm leg willing it to buckle. “Because I think I know exactly what I need to do to get you back at my feet.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,”

I whispered, resisting the urge to fall on top of him.

His fingers gently squeezed my thigh tighter, ever so slightly pulling me closer.

“But equally…”

I paused to let out a heavy breath as his hand dared to move further up my leg, the heat from it reaching the material of my new underwear. “… I don’t think I’d mind.”

The power started to shift as he adjusted his hips against the chair with a fresh flush of colour on his face. We made intoxicating eye contact before he swiftly pulled away from me, shaking his head.

I grinned at him, pushing my bum onto the desk to sit down. “You know what, you’re right. When you’ve kissed me, or undone my bra, taken off my tights… you’ve been teasing me, calling the shots. I think you just gave away your tell. That’s how you like it, isn’t it?”

I looked at him wickedly, dancing my fingers down my skirt, leaning towards him.

He looked up at me, entirely unimpressed. “Very clever.”

I dropped my voice to a whisper to cement my victory. “I think, Ben, you would really like to tell me exactly what to do, and have me listen to each and every detail. I think you would ask me to take off my own clothes first while you watch.”

I saw his pupils dilate as he drank in my words. “Would you want me to take off my own underwear, or rather get a feel for that yourself? I guess we’ll find out…”

“Ivy, you should stop,”

he breathed.

“Oh, you would want to do it, of course. Listening to me say your name as you lay me out in front of you.”

I gasped as he stood up, thumping two hands onto the desk on either side of my legs with such force I nearly tipped off the back.

“Stop, before I send an email and tell everyone to take the afternoon off,”

he uttered, staring straight at me, daring me to continue.

I felt different eyes on us from beyond the glass. I didn’t look around, I held his gaze until I shuffled off the desk, grazing my body against him as he begrudgingly moved.

“No, thanks. I’m meeting with Charlie, remember?”

He grunted through his teeth at me.

I winked. “Never underestimate the competition. I would like to point out that I didn’t need to squeeze your thigh.”

My hobble out of the room was ungraceful but triumphant as I tried to hide my grin. Powerful wasn’t an emotion I was familiar with, but I liked how it felt in my body. It felt decadent.

The meeting with Charlie was interesting. I walked into a room of three equally smart men sat around a shiny table with a projector gently humming. I was unsure at first, but as soon as the numbers were on the screen, I became fully invested, diving through them as we bounced ideas off one another. After forty-five minutes, we were laughing together, drawing up a proposal. I liked Charlie most, he was funny.

“That is a sexy number, Ivy,”

Charlie had joked.

“It is, isn’t it!”

I laughed.

Ben appeared behind us.

“How’s it going?”

he asked, sitting at the head of the table.

My mind instantly went to the image of him sending everyone home and utilising his desk.

“She’s a bloody genius, this will bag those extra entities, for sure,”

Charlie said, proceeding to take Ben through the slides we had put together.

“Get it out, then,”

Ben declared, a bustle of discussion and details following.

“Will you do the same for Caroline’s accounts? I know she’d appreciate it,”

Charlie asked me hopefully.

I’d surprised myself by enjoying the meeting, but if anything, the day had made me finally feel like I could do something, and I was coming to the clear realisation that it would have to be independently. For myself. The office was Ben’s, and a lot of the women were Jessica’s friends. I knew if we stood a chance at having any sort of relationship, it had to be with me on my own two feet, metaphorically and literally.

I’d guided Charlie and the others onto the right path, but corporate I was not; I’d had to ask them to explain half a dozen terms.

I opened my mouth to politely decline, but Ben beat me to it.

“Of course,”

he replied, answering for me.

I bit my tongue, seeing the expectant look on everyone’s faces.

“Sure,”

I relented, feeling uneasy.

Ben walked me back to his office where Catherine was waiting with an urgent call before I could make my objections. He needed to stay a bit longer, so I took a seat on the sofa, picking up my phone and forcing a smile to reply to Susan.

Me

My day is good thanks. I’ve been helping Ben in the office again today. How are you both? xx

Susan

We’re good, busy making plans for Thursday. Is 2 p.m. okay for us to pick you up? Everyone’s thrilled you’re coming! x

Me

Yeah, that’s fine, thanks. I’m looking forward to meeting them xx

——————

Me

Hi wino, how’s your day? Agreed to that date yet?

Lucy

Ha. No. Slept with my brother yet?

I snorted, prompting Ben to glance at me from his call.

Me

And there was me trying to spare you the saucy details… but no. Touché. You should still go out with that guy that messaged you. His comment on my post was so sweet! You know I’d watch the kids.

Lucy

Yeah, yeah. What are you up to anyway? Not still kissing up to him at the office, I hope. You two are very irritating.

Me

I’m here for the spreadsheets.

Lucy

I don’t know what’s more gross, thinking about my moody brother making love or you getting excited about figures.

Me

You made that even weirder by saying making love. How’s work?

Lucy

Busy. Some sweet old man offered to buy me dinner after I took out his catheter. So I can’t commit to a date until I’ve weighed up my options.

Catherine walked in the door as Ben tapped away. “I can drop Ivy home, Ben? I imagine you’ll want to get that done?”

she suggested, looking at me to include me in the decision.

“That might not be a terrible idea.”

Ben turned to me “Would you mind?”

“No, not at all,”

I replied, stifling a pang of rejection. It’s just work. He’s busy.

“Great. I could do with hitting the gym after.”

I bit my lip, hoping he just wanted to sweat out some of the tension from earlier.

Ben was gone for so long though, that when he did get home that evening, I’d already fallen asleep.

I slept awfully. There was a lot to worry about. Was it just pity with Ben? Would we have seen each other again if I’d gone to live in my own flat, as Linda had suggested? Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure. I would’ve wanted to see him, but would he have become bored? I was so deep in thought I didn’t notice him buttering toast behind me as I made a tea.

“Everything okay?”

he asked casually, taking a bite.

I nodded.

He gave me a sideways glance. “You have an appointment with the police this afternoon, don’t you? I was hoping Derek might be able to take you. The date for that tender is today.”

I stuttered a little. “Y-yes, that’s fine.”

“I mean, if it’s not, call me. I just figured—”

“It’s fine, honestly.”

“Okay.”

When he left, I found myself staring out of the window, disturbed by the growl of my stomach.

My phone had been buzzing all morning, so I used it as a welcome distraction.

IvyMWhite This is Maeve’s bedroom.

Seeing it didn’t give me the rush of memories I’d hoped for, but it was a start.

The memories are hidden behind locked doors in my mind, I think maybe I’ve always known they were there, but not had the key.

I vaguely remembered a holiday home; it was like I could smell it, taste it, and hear it, even though it’s like I’ve never been.

I also remembered a Barbie I had been given the day it happened.

I couldn’t remember Susan buying her as such, but her hair felt familiar – she didn’t feel new.

I remembered a sense of longing and excitement to play with her.

I’m beginning to think Maeve is a part of me that’s lost; whenever I try to find her, she seems to move further out of reach.

What I have found, though, is kindness, acceptance and warmth from Susan and Derek. I’m looking forward to meeting my extended family this weekend. Well, meeting them as Ivy. Thank you all for still following along.

I still had a growing collection of emails from celebrities and shows requesting interviews.

I ignored them, still clueless as to what I would say.