Page 45 of Irreconcilable Attractions (Westwend Boys #1)

I shook my head and let out a breath, “No. I’m serious when I say he really wants to be out.

I know you only talked with him briefly, but he’s a really great guy, Bails.

I never knew I could feel this safe and supported in a relationship before.

He’s one of the first people I haven’t had to worry about being myself around, anxiety and all.

I don’t know how to explain it, but he sees me.

All of me, and has never shied away from what that means. ”

There was a pause on the other end of the line before Bailey’s voice came back, a bit of awe in it. “You’re in love with him.”

It wasn’t a question and my heart rapt heavily in my chest. “Yeah, I am.” There was something about admitting it out loud, but not to the man himself, that felt so comforting and wrong at the same time.

“But, I haven’t told him yet. I want to—like really want to—but I just asked him to be my boyfriend two weeks ago.

And he isn’t out yet, so I want to wait till things calm down, but when he left this morning I literally had to bite my tongue so I didn’t let it slip.

” I ran a hand down my face, “I’m afraid I’m going to just blurt it randomly and freak him out. ”

Bailey snickered, “I don’t know, what’s so wrong with that? That sounds very you.”

I wanted to be offended, but he wasn’t wrong. “He deserves more than me word vomiting my feelings. Plus, I don’t want him to feel pressured if he isn’t there yet.”

“Look,” Bailey started and I could hear him shifting in his seat, “I can’t give you any reassurance about where his feelings are, because I don’t really know him.

But, from what I could gather when we talked, he’s a decent guy and it sounds like he cares about you.

There is always some level of uncertainty when it comes to admitting your feelings to someone for the first time.

But, if he really does care about you, they shouldn’t scare him, even if he’s not there yet.

Now, as for when to tell him, only you are going to be able to determine the right time. ”

I let out a humorless laugh, “I’d tell him tonight on the phone if I didn’t think I’d have a panic attack not seeing his face.”

Bailey grunted, “Well, I’d have to agree doing it face to face would be better. But, at the end of the day, Colton, this relationship is between you and Derek, so doing what feels right for both of y’all is what’s important. Take my advice with a grain of salt.”

I rolled my eyes, “If I didn’t think you’d lead me in the right direction, I wouldn’t have called. Plus, I think I knew all that, I just needed to hear it.”

“Well, now that you’ve heard it, you said you had two things to tell me?”

I sucked some air between my teeth. That was Bailey, never one to beat around the bush.

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to call you to talk, but I wasn’t really sure how to tell you what I needed to say.

” I paused to ground myself a little before jumping in.

“My anxiety has been really well managed for a while now. I still have my moments, but my therapist has been really awesome, and is there if I need her. She asks me pretty regularly if my family is supportive, and I’ve always said y’all were.

But, I realized recently that may not be true. And I think it’s my fault.”

“What do you mean?”

I sucked my lips between my teeth before continuing.

“I realized I’ve kind of been subconsciously making myself out to be some pariah in our family.

” Bailey made a noise and I quickly added, “No one did or said anything to make me feel that way. I convinced myself that since I was the only one who struggled with anxiety, y’all would get frustrated or annoyed by me needing extra support. ”

“Colton…” Bailey sounded pained.

I took a slow breath through my nose, trying to slow my racing heart.

“I didn’t want it to be more obvious how different I was from the rest of y’all.

So, instead of letting you guys in on what was actually going on in my head, I actively avoided talking about it, which meant I had to be hyperaware of my own thoughts and feelings so I could self-regulate quickly if needed.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to not make my anxiety a problem for anyone else, but in doing so, it made me more anxious. ”

“That sounds exhausting,” he said, his voice sounding sympathetic.

I laughed a little. “Yeah, it can be. Honestly, I think my caffeine addiction is actually a byproduct of being so tired from all the mental hoops I jump through on a daily basis.”

Bailey snorted before speaking again, “Thank you for explaining that to me. I’m realizing that I’ve never really asked you about your anxiety, much less what helps it.

You’ve always seemed like you had such a good handle on it, so I assumed you didn’t need any help. I’m sorry for not checking in on you.”

I cleared my throat to push down the emotions that sat heavy there. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I never said something before now.”

We talked a little bit more and I explained the coping mechanisms that worked well for me and why they worked.

Bailey took it all in, asking questions here and there that were very kind and respectful.

By the end of my explanation, I was feeling just as empowered as when I’d told my parents.

Right as I was about to end the call, Bailey stopped me.

“There’s something you need to know.” His voice took on a more serious tone.

“What is it?”

“Brooks is going to be moving back to Westwend.”

I felt a surge that was equal parts excitement and apprehension at the idea of my eldest brother coming back to town. Brooks had practically sworn to never set foot back inside the city limits unless it was just a twenty-four hour stay to see our parents.

“Wow, do you know when?”

Bailey sighed, the sound deep and weary. “I have no idea, honestly. He just shot me a text saying he was making plans to move back, but didn’t respond to any of my follow-up questions.”

Classic Brooks. This was likely another one of his spur-of-the-moment ideas, and he was just going to figure it out as he went.

It wasn’t long after that Bailey and I said our goodbyes.

Our talk had really settled something inside of me that I hadn’t known was out of place.

Bailey had a way of doing that for me though, and I took a moment to appreciate how lucky I was to have that kind of connection with him.

With Brooks moving back to town, it could be a good opportunity for us to work on our relationship.

It wasn’t like it was bad or strained, but it felt distant in a way I’d always assumed was because of my anxiety.

But after things shifted between the twins, it had me wondering if Brooks had more going on than he ever let on.

Hopefully this change would do some good for us all.