Page 31 of Irreconcilable Attractions (Westwend Boys #1)

I gave his hand a gentle squeeze before leading him back to my bedroom.

Once there, Derek automatically settled himself back against my headboard before opening his arms to me.

I crawled onto the bed and wrapped myself around him, pressing my face into the crook of his neck.

His arms wound around my waist before he began running the tips of his fingers up and down my back lazily.

I let out a contented breath and reveled in the feel of Derek surrounding me. After a beat, he rested his chin on the crown of my head .

“You know, I’m feeling particularly judged right now.” He rumbled.

Pinching my brows together, I shifted my upper body up to look at him, “Why?”

He nodded in the direction of my dresser which sat directly across from us. I turned my head, catching sight of a wonky eye and a droopy greyed face.

Gerald.

Wincing, I scrambled off the bed to quickly tuck my old friend into an upper drawer.

“Sorry, no more judgement, promise.” I climbed back into my spot, trying to go back to the bliss from moments ago.

“What’s up with Gerald?” He finally asked after a short stretch of silence, his voice hushed.

I chewed on my lower lip, hesitating to pop the cork on this story given how comfortable things had been till now.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Derek practically whispered as he pressed a gentle kiss to my hair. My heart squeezed, making me burrow into him so I couldn’t see his face. Somehow, that gave me the courage to speak.

“My brothers were a lot when we were growing up.” I started, swallowing down the nerves telling me this would change the way he viewed me.

“My mom was really overwhelmed trying to keep up with them. One kid is hard enough when they’re getting into anything and everything, much less two hell bent on destruction.

She tried her best to show us equal attention, but it’s hard to focus on the kid that’s quietly coloring instead of the two that decided the curtains were a castle wall they had to climb or that grandma’s vase would be really fun to toss around. ” I sucked in a small breath.

“When kids see negative behaviors getting attention, they typically start acting out in turn, but my mom praised my calm nature so much, it was like my brain latched onto it. At first, it started as a game. I’d stay silent until someone acknowledged me.

But, I think that only made me more aware of how little my mom actually paid attention to me.

My dad was working so much getting his firm going, I hardly remember him ever being around. ”

Derek had begun rubbing slow circles on my back, which admittedly was keeping me from being consumed by the negative thoughts racing through my head.

“By the time I was enrolled in kindergarten, I hardly ever talked, even when spoken to. I don’t know if my teachers just thought I was soft-spoken and quiet by nature, but they just kept re-affirming that I was ‘such a breath of fresh air compared to my brothers’.” I made air quotes around that.

“It sounds dramatic now, but at the time, I’d convinced myself that the only way my parents and the people around me would love me was if I was silent. I was so scared that if I spoke, I would become a bad kid.”

Derek shifted, causing me to sit up. He stared intently at my face.

“You were a child, Colton. It’s not dramatic or stupid that you would come to that conclusion. You were constantly being told that your good behavior and quiet nature were the redeeming parts of you.” His voice held a gentle firmness to it.

I sucked my lips between my teeth. Emotions clogged my throat, making me struggle to swallow for a moment. Coming from him, the validation seemed to hit harder. I nodded, sucking in a slow breath to help calm the multiple feelings swirling through me.

“Anyway, I guess someone at school caught on because I got brought in to the counselor’s office.

They recommended my parents take me to a therapist. She spent the whole first session asking me questions, trying to get me to color with her, play with toys, and other things without me really interacting back.

But, it must have been enough for her to be able to tell my parents I had anxiety.

She did a bunch of different styles of therapy trying to find one that engaged me enough to open up. None of them really worked.”

I chewed on my lower lip, giving myself a second before continuing. “Then, one day, she brought in a sock with googly eyes on it.”

“Gerald.” Derek supplied.

I nodded.

“I remember feeling really stupid putting my hand in the sock puppet the first time, but something about it let my brain turn off. It wasn’t me talking, it was Gerald.

He could say all the things I’d been thinking.

Gerald could talk about my fear of not being loved if I spoke or how angry I was at my brothers for being rowdy and rambunctious while I had to be the quiet brother.

Gerald helped my therapist work with me to combat the constant stream of thoughts in my head from my anxiety.

Once I had him to do talk and cognitive-behavioral therapy with, my symptoms got so much better and I began speaking more without him, till eventually I was able to have whole conversations without using him once.

Those skills I learned have kept me from needing medication, and now I only have a follow-up session once a month. ”

I glanced over my shoulder toward the dresser.

“That isn’t the original Gerald.” I sighed, looking back at Derek.

His eyebrows scrunched together.

“My therapist told me I would become reliant on Gerald if I took him home with me, so he was only a tool to use during sessions. But, he was such a vital part of my childhood, it felt like leaving behind a loved one or something. So, I made myself a Gerald. Even if I don’t use him the way I used to, he’s been with me through my awkward middle school phase, coming out in high school, college, and Bikini Beans.

Now, he’s really just a reminder of how far I’ve come and that my thoughts don’t define me. ”

Derek’s expression was tender as he gave me an understanding smile. “Now I get why you practically have a shrine to him on your dresser.”

I scoffed, pushing his shoulder slightly, but the knot in my chest loosened knowing that he wasn’t weirded out.

“He has to keep watch over his kingdom.” I teased, grinning wide.

Derek let out a bark of laughter, shaking his head before looking at me with another one of those smiles that made my heart do funny things in my chest.

“Thank you for telling me all of that.” He lifted a hand, brushing some of my hair behind my ear. My neck flushed hot, my stomach doing acrobatics at the intimate gesture. Derek Hammond was going to be the death of me.

“Yeah. Thanks for listening.” I lowered my eyes. “I don’t want you to think badly of my family. I know you’re close with my parents.”

“Your parents are human. They made mistakes, but they got you the help you needed. And your brothers?” Derek blew out a long breath.

“Brooks may still be that obnoxiously destructive person, but he's not a bad guy. Bailey seemed like a genuinely nice guy, too. You don’t need to worry about any of this affecting my relationships with them. Are they supportive?”

I nodded, playing with my comforter. “Yeah, but they don’t always get it. None of them have ever dealt with anxiety before, which sometimes makes it hard being around them.”

“Is that why you live on the Southern side of town?” He asked, his voice gentle like he expected the question to be difficult for me to answer.

I looked up at him and blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Your parents live on the Northern side of town.” He started slowly.

I nodded, still not seeing where he was going with this.

He stared at me for a moment, the look on his face indicating he was waiting for me to connect the dots myself. I stared back at him blankly.

“Aren’t there like… I don’t know, factions? You’re either on the Northern side or the Southern side?” He asked, the hesitancy in his voice telling me he wasn’t sure about his thought process anymore.

I could feel my face contorting in confusion. Where had he even gotten that idea? “Are you talking about the doctors in town?” I asked, the connection finally hitting me.

“Doctors?”

I nodded, “There are two doctors in town that are brothers. I don’t know the whole story, but there’s some bad blood between them and they both started opposing clinics on the opposite sides of town from each other.

For as long as I can remember, you go to one or the other.

You never dabble between the two. You’re either a Dr. Murphy patient or a Dr. Dale patient. ”

Derek just stared at me with his lips parted while he processed that information.

A slow smile spread over my face. “What? Feeling a little off kilter having your favorite town lore torn apart?” I teased, poking my fingers into his sides.

He yelped, squirming as he burst into laughter from the onslaught of my tickles. We rolled around on the bed for a bit, my own chuckles joining the mix as Derek twisted his body, attempting to get relief while I continually attacked his waist.

Eventually, we settled and I rolled onto my back beside him, puffing out residual laughs from my chest. Derek’s grin was so mesmerizing and bright, I would have sworn the sun came out despite the late hour.

He propped himself onto his side, resting his head into his hand to look down at me.

Sunsets on the water weren’t as pretty as he was right now, laying in my bed beside me.

“Have you ever thought about talking with your parents about how you feel?” Derek’s eyes bounced over my features, his smile sliding from his face.

I let out a heavy sigh, the playful moment broken by his serious expression.

“In what way? They know I have anxiety.” I muttered, feeling almost annoyed that we were back on this topic again.

“But, do they know that you feel excluded from them? Have you ever tried to explain what the anxiety is like?” His tone was gentle, his free hand coming over to delicately intertwine our fingers.

“What would that do?” I retorted, feeling like a petulant toddler as I burrowed my face into my chest.

“Help them to understand you so they can better support you.” He supplied, the smile on his face telling me he wasn’t annoyed with my attitude.

“They love you Colton. They won’t know how to be there for you unless you tell them.” He continued, rubbing his thumb along the side of my palm. It was soothing and helped ease the defensive turmoil that was bubbling in my stomach.

“I know,” I admitted, “But, that isn’t a conversation normal people have with their parents.

Everyone else in the world with normal brains gets to live life without stopping and saying, ‘ Sorry I shut down on you, my brain was running through the twenty-five different possible scenarios that this conversation could end up going and it overheated, please hold while I reboot ’. ”

Derek’s laugh was light and airy. I thought it might make my hackles rise again, but instead, my chest lightened, pulling a smile to my face too.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this before in therapy, but normal is a terrible word. Normal doesn’t even describe the majority population on a variety of different things. You shouldn’t compare yourself. You are you, Colton. And for the record, I think your brain is pretty fucking awesome.”

Rolling my head to the side, my smile grew wider. “Yeah?”

He nodded, his features softened as he looked down on me. “You’re amazing, and wonderful, and kind, and a whole lot of other descriptors, too.”

I tugged him to me, wrapped my arms around his upper body, and inhaled his scent deeply. He smelled expensive, like a luxury cologne that had notes of tobacco and sandalwood, with a mix of something spicy.

His body settled easily onto mine, the weight of him helping to keep me grounded. He pressed his face into my neck, sending small shivers down my spine.

“Talk with your parents.” He whispered. “Then, your brothers.”

“I will.” I whispered back.

And I would, despite the underlying trepidation that ran through my veins.

Derek was right—how could I expect anything to change with my parents unless I talked with them?

Instinctively, I knew that Derek would be there to support me if I asked him to.

It hadn’t been outright offered, but something in the way he held me told me everything I needed to know.

And that thought alone made me feel powerful. Powerful enough to finally tackle the elephant in the room with my family.