Page 5

VIRUS

In the time since Rae had walked back into his life, he’d pored over the documents in the file folder again and again.

He’d practically worn out the pictures Rae took. He could tell they were hers. Her style was as unique as a fingerprint. It was as known to him as every pore of her body had once been.

The videos Outlaw took captivated him, too. He watched them repeatedly. Adam with his little voice and his chubby cheeks, all of it.

I have a son.

It was surreal and all too real at the same time. Seeing his son in Rae’s arms put his heart in an industrial vice grip. He wished, not for the first time since he’d been made aware of Adam’s existence, that Rae had been his mother, she was supposed to have been. It would be a connection between them and not a reminder of his betrayal.

Not for the first time, or the last, he hated who he’d used to be. Selfish was the nicest way to describe who he was.

He loved Rae more than anything back then, but himself. His pleasure, his happiness, his everything was priority number one. His ego had been the size of Texas and Alaska combined. At the time, he’d thought he was always putting her first, but sadly, she’d always been second. That wasn’t a realization he’d come to easily or until just the last year or two.

Even though he’d jumped into bed with Celeste because he believed all the bullshit about Rae, it boiled down to he did it because he wanted to. Plain and simple. He was horny and hadn’t had sex since Rae had broken up with him. Celeste was there and teasing him. As much as he’d wished there was an excuse, there wasn’t.

He’d shown up at Celeste’s place for Rae, or so he thought. Instead, her sister was there, wearing nothing but a towel fresh from the shower. She’d regaled him with all the things Rae had been doing since they’d broken up, including his ex-best friend. That was all it took to respond to Celeste when she threw her leg over his lap and started dry humping him.

He’d had to own that fact, that it was his behavior that ruined their relationship. It was his choices that landed him wherever he was at any given time. That had been the hardest of pills to swallow.

But swallow it, he did—eventually.

When Rae left, he was searching for … something. Somewhere to belong, and that led him right to the RBMC doorstep. Good thing too, because he would’ve never become a better person had he kept blaming other people for his situations. Being a prospect was the largest period of personal growth in his entire life.

It uncovered a better version of himself than he’d been when he’d lost Rae. Hell, he was better than he was just two years ago, better than last month. He prided himself on being able to grow. He could only hope that Rae could see that and understand that the other day had been a one off.

He just didn’t know how to show her that. Apologies could only go so far. She was a woman of actions and deeds. Her love language was not gifts and apologies, it was actions. They’d once been able to communicate without words. That’s where he needed to get them back to. Even if that only landed him in the friend zone, he’d take it as long as she was happy and knew that she wasn’t responsible for him cheating as he’d hurled at her as she drove off that night.

To be honest, he wanted so much more than friendship with her, god did he want more.

shook those thoughts off. It would do him no good to go there. At least, not until he could finally tell Rae everything he’d wanted to say since the day they’d broken up. Even if it didn’t make a difference in their future, she deserved the whole ugly truth, along with his profuse apologies.

Outlaw had been tight-lipped for the most part since returning from Harmon’s, where Rae was staying. Stating only that they needed to speak to each other, and that needed to listen more than he talked. That Rae had left the ball in his court as to when to call and start spending time with Adam. And always adding in that her friend Harmon was smokin’ hot.

was finally ready to make the call. He’d spent a few days trying to decide which to do first, make amends with Rae or get to know his son?

Why not do both at the same time? Hook had asked him. It was solid advice considering Hook wooed Nova while wrapped around little June’s finger. He’d won them both over. The major difference being Adam wasn’t Rae’s, he was her sister’s.

He’d taken that bit of advice to heart and dialed Rae’s number before he had time to stop himself. She’d agreed to bring Adam and meet him at the pizza place downtown with all the games. It seemed like a solid plan to get to know his son and reacquaint himself with Rae on neutral, non-romantic territory.

“You guys ready?” he asked nervously.

“Always,” a few of them answered at the same time. No way he could go meet his kid for the first time without his brothers. They were family. Santa wouldn’t stop bragging about having met Adam first. If by meeting him first meant hitting on Rae and ruffling Adam’s hair.

He was still salty about that, but it was filed away to deal with later.

What a sight they made pulling up at the pizza place. An array of motorcycles and an SUV with a total of six tatted up men, two ol’ ladies, and a cute little blond that Hook hefted up into his arms after he donned his cut.

Zombie slapped on the back as they entered the noisy establishment. “It’ll be fine, .” Yeah, he wasn’t hiding his nervousness very well.

“Just be yourself, man. It’s your kid, he’s gonna love you.” That pearl coming from Hook just as June squirmed down from his arms and bolted for what looked like a hamster cage for kids with colorful and clear tubes and slides.

spotted Rae right away, standing next to one of those tubes, just outside the netted wall that contained the balls.

When she turned, their eyes clashed. He couldn’t help the smile that stormed his face. She was beautiful in her disarray. Her hair, mostly contained in a low pony, was staticky, with bits and pieces standing out and dancing. He thought how amazing she looked without makeup. She used to hate it when he said that, but it was true. She didn’t need all that crap. Rae was and had always been the most beautiful woman in any room as far as he was concerned.

His eyes dragged down her body and his mouth went dry. Her shapely legs were on full display. pushed away the memory of how they felt wrapped around his hips. That line of thinking would get him branded a perv for sporting wood in a kids’ play place.

He had just noticed some new-to-him ink on her leg when the head of his son raced into his field of vision, and his whole world shrunk down to the two of them. Rae squatted down and said something to Adam and pointed at . Whatever she said had him turning his head ’s way and waving.

Rae had said she’d follow his lead about how he wanted to be introduced to Adam. Neither of them had a clue as to what the proper approach was. A few of his brothers had opinions on the best way for him to approach the situation, but the majority just shrugged and told him to do what felt right.

Ultimately, that’s what he chose to do. He opted to wing it. When Rae grasped the little boy’s hand and walked his way, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“Hi, Adam, I’m your dad.”

Only after the words were floating on the air did he take a moment to think or question his approach. He had a moment of fear that Adam would shrink behind Rae and be scared.

Everyone else seemed stunned silent at his proclamation, except Adam.

“Hi.” His little voice spoke with enthusiasm. Turning to Rae. “Auntie Rae, can I have pizza now?”

“Of course.” As soon as she answered, Nova appeared in his peripheral vision.

“Hi, Adam, I’m Nova, and this is June. She’s dying for a slice too. Can we join you?”

Adam nodded but seemed to lean into Rae for reassurance. He both loved and hated it. Loved that he had a bond that he obviously relied on, but was jealous because he was denied those years with Adam.

“Let’s go,” she reassured him and offered an apologetic smile and led Adam toward the table everyone else had gathered at.

, still kneeling, turned and watched them walk away when Adam turned around. “Are you coming, Dad?” His little man didn’t even hesitate to accept him as Dad.

said who he was, and Adam had just accepted it. He figured he owed someone a thank-you for that.

His heart stalled in his chest and then burst outward. He was already so in love.

“Hell yeah,” he said as he stood and every woman in his line of sight shot him a scolding look.

“Sorry,” he murmured his apologies into the room at large and joined them at the table.

He watched Adam eat and chatter with June and his brothers. didn’t speak to his son much, he was just enjoying watching everything about him.

was enamored with Adam’s crooked little smile when June said something he found amusing. When he wiped his mouth on his sleeve, then halfway down he looked to Rae, stopped and grabbed a napkin, it amused him to no end.

He didn’t feel left out, but he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit he was a little jealous of his son’s relationship with Rae, but he didn’t feel like an outsider even though he kind of was. She’d gotten time with his son that was denied him. But instead of anger, he was glad for it because it meant his son knew love. He doubted Celeste’s ability to do so.

They clearly adored each other. That boded well for his plan to get Rae to stay in Provo.

Everyone, including Adam and Rae, turned to him every so often, although he didn’t add to the conversation, he couldn’t. He was too enamored of the little boy to speak intelligently, so he nodded and smiled at appropriate moments.

His little boy.

He vowed to himself right then and there that Adam would feel nothing but love and never want for anything, including his attention. ’s world had just shrunk down and grew at the same time. There was a purpose bigger than himself. So much bigger than anything else in his life.

When Adam turned to instead of Rae to ask if he could go play with June, tears sprang to his eyes. When he nodded his agreement, Adam flung himself at and then Rae before disappearing with June, hand in hand. Both under the watchful eyes of Nova, Heidi, Zombie, and Hook, who also stood and followed the group toward the ball pit.

No way anything would happen to them. breathed a sigh of relief and turned back around.

He shot a look at the men remaining at the table, stuffing their gobs with pizza. There was some eye rolling before they got up and found another table.

“Rae,” spoke her name.

She responded with his in a shy manner, “.”

.

She’d said . He hated and loved it at the same time. She was the only person in a handful of years who called him Darrin. But Darrin was also the man, no, boy, who broke her heart.

That was a difference, a connection to his past behavior that just clicked. He’d been an adult, but not a man.

“I didn’t—” Rae spoke at the same time; he spoke almost the same words.

“Wait, , let me go first, please? I should’ve said it the other day.”

He wanted to scream it’s all water under the bridge, that she didn’t need to explain anything, but instead he nodded, because he could see how important it was to her.

“First, let me apologize for how I approached things the other day. I went about it all wrong and that led you to make assumptions, rightfully so. So, I should’ve told you then that I didn’t know about Adam. I found out when Celeste was dying less than a month ago.”

When the words penetrated his brain, his jaw dropped.

“How?”

She dropped her gaze and tucked her hair behind her ear, staring at her lap.

“I gave her the same treatment I gave you. I blocked you both when I left that night. I drove until I was too tired to do anything else. I found a hotel to hole up and cry. After a few days, I had a plan, and I put it into action and refused to look back.”

She looked repentant.

“Hey.” When she didn’t meet his gaze, he used one knuckle to lift her chin. “Sun Rae, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed. Should have given you a chance to explain.”

She gave him a watery smile. “I guess we’re even because I didn’t?—”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what—speak the truth?”

“Just … don’t.”

“No. I did don’t for over six years and it damn near killed me. It’s time we lay it all out on the table. Time we, I, accept it for what it was and what it wasn’t.”

“What it was and wasn’t?” He didn’t mean to raise his voice. Outlaw clearing his throat from a nearby table alerted him to that fact.

“Do you really want to do this here and now, Rae? Would you prefer some place more private? I have a lot to atone for.”

She grasped his hand in both of hers and the touch sent a zing through his bloodstream. He’d touched her, but this was the first time in years that she’d touched him voluntarily.

“That’s just it, Darrin. It’s the perfect time and place because neither of us can run away, and you aren’t the only one needing to apologize.”

His scoff seemed to spark a fire in her eyes.

“Do you remember what happened back then?”

gave her an incredulous look. “How could I not?”

“No, I mean really remember it?”

Was she really going to make him say it out loud? He would, if that’s what she needed.

“Yea, Sunny, I do.” He didn’t mean to call her that, it just slipped out, but he didn’t want to take it back. “I cheated on you. With your sister of all people. Then I said some ugly things as you ran away crying. I could give you a million excuses, but it doesn’t matter. I did what I did, and I’ll be sorry about it for every second of my life. There’s no number of apologies or candy or anything that can make up for it or change it.”

His eyes drifted to the ball pit where his son was playing and laughing with June.

“For years I thought if I could only change things, done things differently … but now, because of Adam, I wouldn’t want to change it.”

He felt guilty and disloyal to her for even saying those words aloud, but they were true.

“That’s just it, Darrin. You didn’t cheat on me.”

“The hell.” He looked around, remembering where he was. “The hell I didn’t. The proof is right over there. Not to mention, you saw it with your own two eyes.”

The memory made him gag.

“Yeah, don’t remind me.” She spoke with a touch of levity, but a lot of sadness. “It took me years to make peace with it, and I didn’t think I ever would have if not for Celeste, of all people.” She tossed his words back at him.

“How so?” Did he really want the answer? He wasn’t sure he did.

“When she was laying there looking vulnerable and frail, she admitted some things. Mainly her part in what happened between us. My head was spinning, having just learned about Adam and her dying and all, but I told her I forgave her for cheating with my boyfriend, among other things.” shot her a look. He would never forgive her.

“Don’t give me that look. I did it for me and for Adam, not for her. It was what she said back that changed my perspective on everything. She said she accepted my forgiveness for everything else but rejected my forgiveness for that because you weren’t my boyfriend at the time.”

He yanked his hand from between hers and stood. Pacing back and forth by the table.

That night was seared into his brain. He’d gone there looking for Rae to beg her forgiveness when Celeste answered the door in a towel. She’d offered him a drink, then another and another. Pills and joints were involved and the next thing he knew, Rae was standing there crying.

When Rae had fled, he grabbed his boxers, shouting at her the whole time to stop, but she didn’t. When he got to the door, he heard Celeste behind him goading him on, saying all manner of things about Rae. Instead of listening to Rae’s tears, he just couldn’t hear them anymore—they cut too deep—he hurled her words back at her. “ You said I was free to see who I wanted .” He remembered the look on her face when she turned at those words, hands on her door handle.

He’d fucking broken her, the woman he loved, he’d hurt her on purpose. But at that moment, he couldn’t take responsibility for it. He couldn’t handle it, so he drove the point home because he deserved her hate. Then he slammed the door in an attempt to block out Rae’s heartbreak. He’d never forgiven himself for that.

Broken up or not, he’d still considered her his, so it was still cheating.

“Darrin, please sit down.”

He was reeling but complied. Out of habit, he corrected her. “. It’s now.”