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RAE

“Here you go, hun, burger and fries.” The waitress set the plate in front of , then ruffled Adam’s hair. “And pancakes for my most handsome customer today,” she announced as she set the plate in front of Adam.

reached over to cut his food for him, only to see that it was already done. She smiled up at the older lady in the uniform. “Thank you.”

“Of course, hun. Raised three boys. One thing I learned was men, even the young ones, have zero patience. If it’s in front of them, they’re gonna grab it and stuff it in their mouth, no matter if it fits or not. My youngest used to pick the whole thing up and bite it. Bigger than his head, didn’t matter.”

Sure enough, Adam was already on his third bite by the time she finished talking.

The waitress, Nana, according to her name tag, gave a sympathetic look. “Besides, you seem a little overwhelmed.”

That was the understatement of the century.

“Raising kids is the best part of life, but it’s tough. I imagine doing it all by yourself is even harder.”

had no intention of raising Adam all by herself , as Nana put it. She looked at Adam instead of providing any sort of answer. He reminded her of her greatest love and greatest pain. Of course, she wasn’t going to spill her life story to a waitress she’d just met. Instead, she smiled and thanked her again.

“I’ll swing back by and check on you in a few. Just holler if you need anything else.”

She took a bite of her burger and looked over at Adam as she chewed. He gave her the biggest smile she’d ever seen, and her heart swelled and broke in half at the same time.

Her stomach roiled and her appetite fled. Adam was the spitting image of his father.

That innocent face was how she found herself back in Utah. When she drove away years ago, she silently swore she’d never cross that state line again. A promise she’d broken, and it wouldn’t be the last one on this trip either. She’d also come face-to-face with Darrin.

She’d already been in Provo for too long without getting up the nerve to break that promise, but she had no choice. She had to do it—and soon. Running around town with his carbon copy was dicey.

In her delusional mind, she thought she’d get to Provo, meet with Darrin, hammer out the terms about Adam, and settle things between them once and for all. Get some closure so she could finally, truly move on emotionally.

Who was she kidding? Things would never be settled between them. Some things could never be settled. People just found a way to live around the pain and deal with life.

Sadly, ’s way had included locking her heart away from everyone and anyone for the first few years, including a string of way too many meaningless sexual encounters. But that got old real fast. Then she had a failed halfhearted attempt at a relationship with someone she never viewed as more than a good friend. That crashed and burned in spectacular fashion.

Yeah, that’s a healthy way to cope.

Tracking Darrin down hadn’t been too hard, he was all over social media. Her friend Harmon, who she was staying with indefinitely, knew exactly where to find the RBMC too. Seemed he’d made himself unforgettable on the internet to throngs of thirsty women. He’d joined the Royal Bastards shortly after she hightailed it out of the state.

“I’m just stalling the inevitable, huh, Adam?”

“Umhm.” He made a sound of agreement, or maybe it was the child equivalent of damn, these pancakes are fire . He didn’t know what was going on in her head. All he knew was he’d be meeting his dad soon. For being hit with all that, he seemed to be coping better than her.

Even so, she wasn’t really asking a six-year-old for life advice, was she?

Wetting the napkin in a water glass, she wiped away some syrup on his mouth.

“Of course, at this point you couldn’t do any worse at adulting then me, huh, cutie pie? You had the brilliant idea to have a breakfast food for lunch. I’d say that was a great choice.” Looking down at the syrup on his shirt, blew out a breath. “Where did the napkin I tucked in there go?”

“It fell,” Adam proclaimed and pointed under the table before shoveling in another bite.

She tried every stretch and yoga technique Harmon taught her to retrieve said napkin with dignity, to no avail. “You owe me big time, little buddy.”

Ass all the way in the air with her head under the table, she finally touched the sticky cloth with her fingertip.

“Ah, ha, I got it,” she shouted from under the table.

“Damn, I got something too, sweetheart,” a deep voice proclaimed loudly. Lower, that same voice said, “Keep wiggling it just like that and Santa’ll put you on the naughty list.”

hit her head on the bottom of the table.

“Shit,” she ground out.

Strong hands grabbed her around the waist and helped maneuver her back out from under the table without further injury.

When she turned to see who’d caused her injury and also gave her assistance, she was face-to-face with a bearded hottie. One who still held her hips with a little too much familiarity.

“Thanks for the assist, um …” she trailed off, waiting for him to offer up a name.

“Santa, sweetheart, but you can call me whatever you like.”

“Oh.” She snorted inelegantly, “The naughty list comment makes sense now. Clever. I’m Alaine. Thanks again,” she said nervously and glanced down at his hands, which still rested on her hips, but the older gentleman made no move to let her go.

“How’s your head?”

“’Tis but a scratch,” she said in her best over-the-top British accent. Santa just stared at her. She always answered that way in similar situations before remembering not everyone loved Monty as much as her.

“A scratch? Your arm’s off,” someone else responded. She laughed and looked around for who said it. She got a wave from behind Santa as the person attached to the tattooed hand that took credit for the comment continued past, toward a booth further down.

She mumbled to Santa, who still looked confused by the exchange, knowing he wouldn’t get it. “I’ve had worse.”

“Take your hands off the lady, Santa, and let her get back to her kid, and possibly the kid’s father .” Another voice from behind Santa spoke with an upward inflection at the end of the statement, making it more of a question.

Santa finally released her and took a step back.

“Oh, I um …” Why was she tempted to explain her life to strangers for a second time? The stress of what was to come was really taking its toll on her today.

She veered again. “Anyway, thanks.” She nodded and sat back down.

Santa still stood there, just behind Adam’s shoulder.

The other men behind him, including the one who’d told him to let her go, inclined their chins or nodded as they passed, heading toward where the only cool one, in her book, sat waiting. Santa pulled a card from his pocket and handed it to her.

“Call me sometime, mama. I promise to show you a good time.” She bristled at the mama , but let it go.

“I’m just passing through, so …” Which wasn’t exactly true, be he would never know that. A harmless white lie on her part, hoping he would get the hint and join his buddies, but nope.

A sharp whistle pierced the air, and she looked in that direction. All the men had managed to slide into a large booth down the way. They were all turned toward her and Santa, staring at their exchange, while one motioned for Santa to join them.

“That’s even better. Since you didn’t lead with married, I’ll assume you’re single.” He winked, ruffled Adam’s hair, and left to join his companions.

That’s when her blood froze in her veins, and she had trouble taking in oxygen.

The men at the table were trading money and proclaiming, everything from I thought he could close the deal, to old man has lost his touch . Obviously betting on if he could get her number, but that’s not what made it hard to breathe or cause her to panic. It was the big fucking skull wearing a crown on Santa’s back that did that. He was a Royal Bastard; they all were now that she paid attention.

sat there paralyzed as their conversation drifted her way.

“How does it feel to be shot down so much, Santa?”

“Fan-fucking-tastic, because you can’t catch a pretty fish if your line ain’t even in the water. For every no, I got a shot at a yes.”

She heard groaning and razzing coming from the other men, but it started to blur together when her brain caught up to what all that meant.

If a single one of them had bothered to look Adam in the face, and for all she knew, one had, she wouldn’t get the chance to tell Darrin he had a kid, they’d do it for her. There was no way to deny Adam’s DNA.

“No more procrastinating, , you have to ovary up and see Darrin today,” she said under her breath and slapped a couple of twenties down before grabbing Adam. “Let’s go, big guy.”

She tried to carry him for a quick escape, but he was having none of it. “I can walk.” He pouted.

had no choice but to go slow. She may not have this whole raising a kid thing down, but she did know he had to do things on his own. Grabbing his still sticky hand, she made her way out of the restaurant and to the car.

As she backed out of her spot, she noticed the slew of bikes by the door. How had she not heard them pull up? Just being in Darrin’s zip code frazzled her brain.

When she glanced up once again, she noticed Santa in the window waving at her. She didn’t wave back, but he held his hand to his face in a call me gesture. Despite the situation, she found herself laughing and gave him a smile before pulling away and heading back to Harmon’s.

In a different world, if she didn’t have a past with Darrin and didn’t have Adam, she would’ve jumped at the chance to go out with a man like Santa. Harmon would’ve called him a BILR, beard I’d like to ride. It was wrong to be ogling one of Darrin’s friends, and it was hella wrong to keep Adam a secret for another minute.

Not that either one of them owed the other anything, but he would hear about his child from her—no one else. Then she’d drown the pain of seeing him again for as long as it took. After that was done, she’d pull on her big girl panties and figure out a way to live with their new reality of co-parenting a child.

The sooner it was done, the sooner she could try to pick up the pieces of her heart and duct tape them back together. Then maybe, just maybe, by the time she was ready to join AARP, she’d be healed enough to move on for real. Have an actual functional relationship that didn’t crash and burn.

The entire drive to Harmon’s house she tried to prepare herself for seeing him again after all this time. If she were honest with herself, her anger died out long ago. It was the heartbreak of it all that drove her away, and her pride that kept her away. It wasn’t fear that she’d hate him that was riding her hard now, it was fear that she wouldn’t.

The thought of seeing him and remembering their good times and not the bad is what terrified her. If she fell back into his arms and he broke her heart again, she was afraid there wasn’t enough Duct Tape and Super Glue on the planet to fix it. Being betrayed by the two people who meant the most to her really obliterated her ability to trust, even herself.

At Harmon’s, she put Adam down for a nap and sat with Harmon for a cup of coffee and a chat. She wished for something stronger, but it wouldn’t do for her to be drinking and driving. A few hours had passed, and she was still nursing a cold coffee and chatting with Harmon when Barker came over.

Barker and Harmon had been the two people who got her through the worst of the worst. They packed up her place and moved it to Vegas for her. They visited regularly and Barker had been her one attempt at a relationship since Darrin. Thank God they both realized what a colossal mistake it was and remained friends. She wouldn’t know what she’d do without either of them. Harmon was her sister and Barker was her brother—no blood needed.

Adam woke an hour ago and was currently playing video games in the living room with Barker.

It was time, she’d procrastinated long enough.

“Thanks for keeping an eye on Adam for me, Harmon.”

“Anytime and remember to give him a chance to speak this time.”

As much as she hated it, Harmon was right. He deserved to say his piece. When she’d caught him in bed with Celeste, she turned around and left. Ignoring his begging and pleading until his tactic changed.

The shots he took at her that day still haunted her, but not as much as the one she took at him in retaliation. Everyone deserved their day in court, so to speak, and she’d denied Darrin that.

She was so hurt at the time; she couldn’t speak to him. Then she deflected any attempt at contact from them both ever since. That was on her.

“What could he possibly say to make it right?” she asked Harmon in desperation rather than anger. She honestly wanted to know.

“Nothing can change the past, but making it right and getting closure are not the same thing. Besides, if he could make it right, would it make a difference to how you’ve felt this whole time? How he felt?”

“No, of course not.” Feelings once felt never changed. They can change moving forward, but not backward.

“Exactly, but it can change how you feel about him now, and in the future, if you want it to. If you guys are going to be successful at this whole parenting gig, there has to be forgiveness. Or at the very least, acceptance.”

Harmon was right, but her questions only mirrored the ones had been asking herself for more than six years.

With a deep sigh, she grabbed the folder and headed for the door. “Wish me luck.” veered through the living room to give Adam a goodbye kiss.

“What about me?” Barker teased and tapped his cheek. rolled her eyes and kissed him there.

“Thanks for being a good friend, and teaching Adam how to play whatever game it is you're playing.”

She turned to go, and Barker grabbed her free hand. “I could be more than just a friend, .”

She smiled indulgently, kind of how she did with Adam. Barker always faux flirted with her. “We tried that, Barker, it just wasn’t us. Besides, you already are more than a friend. You’re like my brother.”

Something crossed his eyes that felt … wrong. It wasn’t like his typical teasing look. Before she could name it, his expression became concerned.

“Do you want back up or moral support? I’m there for you, . You know that, right?”

She nodded, but he still held her hand.

“I mean it, don’t fall for his lies again. You can’t trust him. He never deserved you.”

She recoiled at the vehemence in his voice. It was a new side to him; she wasn’t sure she liked. chalked it up to him being overprotective as he tended to be, especially where Darrin was concerned. He’d had a front-row seat to her heartbreak, so she supposed he had a right to be angry about it too.

“Thanks again, Barker. You’re going to make some lady very happy one day.”

“Just not you, huh?”

His look when he spoke was a little unsettling. He finally dropped her hand and turned his attention back toward the game on the screen.

With that, she headed to the Royal Bastards clubhouse.

Harmon had told her that Darrin worked at a place called Royal Guard. Her plan had been to meet him there in the middle of the day in hopes that he’d not lose his temper at his place of employment. It was also a little bit for her.

The thought of being surrounded by bikers on their turf didn’t seem ideal. Even less ideal was if she ambushed him at home. He was easy to track down, he still lived at the same place.

Harmon had become a little, no, a lot obsessed with bikers since that TV series, while didn’t know diddly squat about MCs or their culture. Even with her limited knowledge, facing Darrin elsewhere sounded a far sight better than walking into a clubhouse full of bikers.

“Well, at least the clubhouse was attached to a business. Maybe they could keep it civil for the sake of customers, if there were any.”

She had been doing that since she left Harmon’s, talking to herself. couldn’t even count how many times she was a gnat fart away from making a U-turn and just mailing the info to Darrin and have the lawyers settle things.

She pulled in front of the salvage yard office and killed the engine. “Well, there’s nothing now but to just do it.”

She grabbed the folder from the passenger seat with a sigh. In her mind, she brought the image of Darrin and Celeste to the fore as she opened the door, finally exiting the car after sitting there for God knew how long.

Getting out of the car was only half the battle. On frozen legs, she stood beside her car, just staring at the building but not really seeing it.

“I can’t do this,” she mumbled and reached for the door handle with every intention of fleeing like the coward she was.

Harmon’s voice echoed in her head.

“You did nothing wrong; you did what was best for your own sanity at the time, and as soon as he understands that it’ll go smooth as silk. Someone told me repeatedly over the years, after her heart break had dulled a bit that is, that Darrin’s a good man who happened to do a bad thing once, and she was right.”

At the time, rolled her eyes at having her words tossed back into her face, but now she was thankful for it . “Plus, he deserves to know his own child.”

“He’s a good man who did a bad thing, he deserves to know his child.” She took a step, not really watching where she was going, but repeating that phrase. “He’s a good man who did a bad thing, he deserves to know his child.” Before she knew it, she was at the door marked OFFICE.

“It’s okay,” she muttered to herself as she reached for the handle. The words offered a strange sense of comfort as it was what Dean said to Sam when it was time to let him go.