Page 193 of I Dream of Dragons

“Are you Phaethon? Are you talking about opening the gates? No matter where these gates open, your world or another, people will suffer.”

“I’m talking about decimating the king’s armies. Using the dragons to burn the cities to the ground. About destroying any chance of a gate ever opening.”

Relief floods me. “Fine. But you’d have to kill Phaethon to ensure that. And that would probably kill you, too.”

“You were ready to sacrifice yourself just now. Why do you think I wouldn’t be ready to do the same?”

“No.” I cup his face and my power flows through me, my voice trilling. “Marsyas. Please.”

He jerks, eyes widening. “No. No, no…”

“What is it?” I grab hold of his coat. “Jai?”

He steps back, his face twisting. “You have to let me go.”

“Talk to me.” Gods, he’s trembling.

“Oh fuck. I told you, I’m not a good person.” He turns away so suddenly, I release him. “I deserve to die.”

“What? No. Jai…”

He turns toward the balustrade and his shadows curl around him, slither over the rail. “You should just shove me off the fucking edge and into the sea and be done with me.”

“What? What’s going on?”

“I’m a bastard. A good-for-nothing. I don’t deserve you.” He casts me a desperate look—and then he goes down on his knees. “Hells…”

I stare at him.

“Command me,” he says, his voice rough. “I live to serve you. I’ll do anything you ask me to, don’t you know that?”

“You’re not my slave,” I whisper. “Get up.”

“I don’t have to be a slave to kneel for you.”

“Then I’ll kneel, too,” I say and do just that. I cup his face. “Is this about my true nature? Because I’m not human anymore?” I swallow back more tears. I can’t think of any other reason for this weird conversation. “Does it disgust you?”

“Oh, my darling,” he says, pressing my palm to his cheek. “You were special from the start. You are amazing and always will be. Your moral compass, your joy for life, your kindness. Your bright light. One love. Only one. You are someone worth waiting for, Little Thorn. Whatever form you take is beautiful to me.”

I gulp back tears. “You haven’t seen me. You don’t know what I look like as a dragon.”

“It doesn’t matter. And soon… Soon it won’t matter anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“Say you don’t want me,” he whispers. “You don’t want to be with me, Rae.”

“Of course I do. I love you, Jai.”

“Fuck…” His head bows, black hair falling in his eyes. His jaw works. It’s as if he’s seeing something I’m not, as if a darker lens covers his vision.

“You gave me back my real name,” he says, his voice low and hushed. “Called me by it. You kissed me and breathed life back into me. You woke me up, and now… now I know.”

“Know what?” I trace the patterns on his cheekbones as a bad feeling grips me. “Jai… are your memories coming back?” I take a breath as a thought strikes me. “Your memories of the night my family died?”

A slow nod. “I wish they weren’t.”

“Why?” I’m winded. Can’t breathe. “Tell me.”

If there is one thing I’m starting to figure out is that, if you think things can’t get worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

He rises slowly to his feet, the wind whipping at his coat, at his hair, his eyes incandescent. “The problem isn’t you. It’s me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It was me all along,” he says. “You asked if it was I who killed your parents, and I couldn’t remember. Now I do, and the answer is, yes. I killed them. The thing is,makhair… I would do it again.”