Page 20

One thing about me is no matter how heartbroken I was I would never let it show. I would walk around with a smile on my face like nothing happened. I would wear insane amounts of concealer to hide the purple eye bags that formed from my lack of sleep. I would wear my hottest outfits in hopes that it would hide my sadness. I hadn't seen Paige since the breakup, I made excuses not to go to practices and since they had hired another photographer I wasn't as needed. Today was media day though so it would be the first time I saw Paige since. And of course Media Day was the day after my birthday.

Yes, it's been over a month now and it still feels just as fresh. Paige was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thought on my mind before I fell asleep. I forced her clothes out of my closet so I didn't cling to them and Rose had returned them without telling me which led to me breaking down and almost not speaking to her. She did the right thing because if not I would still be sleeping with those hoodies in hopes of having a piece of the girl with me.

Jay and Rose were my only comfort sources. In such a short amount of time Jay grew to be an important part of my life. He gave up his bed and slept on the couch on nights that Paige consumed my thoughts. He got me little things just to cheer me up during the day. He even listened to Taylor Swift just so I could be happy.

When I wasn't with Rose I was with Jay. I came with him to his practices and games when I had nothing to do. I was at his place all the time and when I wasn't he was at mine with Rose and I watching horror movies. People had stuff to say about it obviously. Jay was the hottest guy at school apparently and him being with me all the time definitely made some fangirls angry, especially after that article yesterday which was a huge miscommunication.

It was my birthday that I had planned out perfectly months before. I would wake up with Paige by my side. I would have dinner with the girls and then we would go to the club and I would finally have a legal drink. I'm from New York, obviously I did some underage drinking but the first legal one was special. All my planning came crumbling down and I didn't even want to celebrate anymore. The girls forced me out which to my dismay I needed. Jay surprised me there and was the designated driver. He stayed sober the whole night, dealing with about 10 drunk girls. Honestly I was thankful he showed up because without him I doubt we would've made it home.

I knew Paige had seen the article by Azzi's stressed face when we all saw it published afterwards. I don't know how she reacted and as much as I was curious, I never asked. I couldn't let her have the satisfaction of knowing I cared. Another thing about me after a breakup is I'll act like I don't care when I really do. I wanted to know everything about Paige but I held myself back. I couldn't move on if I was hung up on her, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want anyone else. I wanted to be back in the arms of the blonde girl I craved so much.

When I realized I couldn't hide away from the girls forever, mostly because of very stressed texts from the girls that the new photographer wasn't as good and apparently a little creepy. He was an older guy, not a student but he was hired so I assumed he had the skills to back up, apparently not because he was gone not long after, putting all the responsibilities back on my shoulders. I had planned everything for media day. As much as I was upset, this was the girls' day to shine. They all loved dressing up and getting to hype each other up. I got lighting, backdrops, drops, multiple different cameras and smoke, it was the perfect setup.

I was there much earlier than everyone else. When it came to photography I was a perfectionist. I couldn't handle having other people set up with me and it being done in any ways that I wouldn't have put it so being alone was the best option. The coaches weren't even here yet so I just sat on the floor with music blasting in the back. I took my time to blast as much Taylor Swift heartbreak music till the girls got there since I didn't want to put them in that mood.

Geno and the other assistant coaches were first to arrive. Waving at me before walking into their offices and waiting for the other girls. Surprisingly Ice, Caroline and Nika were the first girls on the team. When they noticed how empty the gym was they kept talking, waiting for the rest of the girls. The guy started to fill up with excited girls who had their hair and makeup done. Not very shocking that Azzi and Paige were the last to walk in. Paige locked eyes with me immediately and I had to tear mine away from her. I kept my eyes on everyone else, very noticeable ignoring Paige's burning gaze.

I wanted to stare back into those blue eyes that I thought about everyday. I wanted to take the time to look at her properly for the first time since but I knew I couldn't. I kept my eyes on Nika in front of me as I explained what would be happening to all the girls.

I started with Azzi bringing her to the backdrop. All the other girls cheered and hyped her up which made all her smiles genuine. She took some pictures with the ball in her hands, some flexing and some with the smoke machine which got the other girls excited.

I ran through the other girls. With the music playing in the back I was completely focused. I wasn't thinking of Paige behind me watching my every move. I was just focused on the girl in front of me and getting her to look amazing. I turned to look at the group of girls behind me, trying to figure out who I had left and of course it was Paige who still hasn't taken her eyes off me. When she saw me finally look at her she walked over, realizing it was her turn.

She stood in front of the backdrop and waiting for my instructions. I walked up to my camera and grabbed my phone, changing the music blasting to Paige's hype playlist that she sent me while we were together. She had these songs blasting everytime she was shooting, every morning and before every game. She smirked when she noticed the first song playing.

"Ok first just give me a big smile." I tried to keep my voice happy and upbeat the same way I was with the other girls but Paige noticed how I avoided her gaze again. I snapped a few pictures and then had a great idea.

"Az, pass me that clipboard and whistle." I screamed at Azzi who complied, passing me what I needed and I handed them to Paige who gave me a confused look.

I grabbed the whistle back, putting it around her neck, trying to ignore how close we were. I could feel her breath on my face as I went on my tiptoes to reach over her head. After I put the clipboard in her hands and a towel draped over her shoulder.

"Put the whistle in your mouth and look at me." I asked and she still had a confused expression on her face.

"COACH P!" Amari screamed, hyping Paige up and she finally realized what I was doing. A smile crossed over her face and she put the whistle in her mouth giving the camera her famous smirk.

Since she wouldn't be playing this season I didn't want to take too many pictures of her with the basketballs like I did with the other girls so I leaned into her coaching side.

I took a few more pictures with Paige in various poses until I was done and all the girls cheered since Paige was the last person I needed to do. They all walked away, either leaving or going to the locker room to film tiktoks but Paige stayed on the backdrop looking at me. I packed up my camera and everything else while she just stood there. I kept my gaze down, waiting for her to leave but she didn't.

The music still played but much quieter now. When I couldn't stall any longer I turned around to walk over to the chairs waiting for Jay. He had texted me earlier asking to go for ice cream as a reward for being around Paige all day and honestly I needed it. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and just stared at it to stop myself from looking at Paige. She kept standing and again I felt her gaze on me. It was starting to make me nervous that she was paying such close attention to me.

I messed up and looked up at her annoyed with her constant staring and our eyes locked for the second time today. I couldn't pry my eyes away this time, staring into hers that now seemed gray. I took the time to fully look at her now, yes I saw her all day and took pictures of her but I was forcing myself not to focus on the small details. Her hair was straight and down, you could see the few baby hairs that stuck up but she still looked perfect. She was in her basketball uniform with the jersey tucked into her shorts like always. She had makeup on but she still looked just as gorgeous without it, like some sort of art.

When I didn't look away she started walking closer, taking small strides to see what I would do. I wanted to run out before she could come any closer but my heart beat my head in that battle and my feet stayed planted to the floor. I needed to feel her closer, even just a few feet. I wanted to hear that accent that played in my dreams. It felt like she wasn't even standing in front of me walking closer. It felt like another dream that I would wake up crying to wishing it didn't end the way it did. She broke my heart and yet I couldn't push her away.

She was only a few feet away now, still hesitant with her steps. I wanted to grab her and pull her closer but I stayed frozen in my seat, wishing I could listen to the pounding in my head from all the tears I'd shed. The nights I spent in Rose's arms just because it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I tried to be the type of person who was rational and used my head but I would always be the type to listen to my heart. I'd be a lover over a fighter anyday. Most people called me a lover girl from how easy I could love someone, how easy I could fall in love with someone. Maybe I fell in love with Paige too easily, too quickly maybe. It could've been so early in our relationship that love wasn't even a thought in her head and I just jumped to love too early yet again.

"J, I texted you and said I'd be outside, you could've answered." Jay bursting into the room broke my gaze off Paige. She stopped in her tracks and looked at the man rushing in. When Jay finally saw me sitting down and Paige just a few feet from me he also stopped, looking between us concerned.

I jumped back to reality, realizing this situation had really just happened. I grabbed my stuff nervously, almost dropping all of it in the process and jogging over to Jay, desperate to breathe again after my breath stopped from being so close to her again.

"Sorry, just got distracted." I stumbled over my words as I jogged over to Jay, almost tripping over my own feet from how nervous I was. I felt like I had just been caught doing something wrong even when me and Paige hadn't even mumbled a word to each other. I turned back to Paige and she looked at me running off. She didn't even glance at Jay, only focused on my nervous stumbling. I couldn't tell the what the expression on her face meant, almost disappointed. I wanted to run back, comfort her but Jay's intense glaring at Paige caused me to want to get out of her as soon as possible.

"Bye Paige, see you." I screamed to the blond across the room. She looked shocked that I even acknowledged her and to be honest I was shocked by my own actions. I was so anxious from Jay and Paige being in the same room that I was no longer in control of my actions. Jay didn't give Paige time to reply before walking out to the door and me following. I could tell by his steps that he was upset and this ice cream no longer sounded like a good idea.

He got in the driver seat and I had to run to catch up and make sure he didn't leave. The second I got in he started driving, not speaking, just keeping his eyes on the road and his foot very aggressively on the gas.

"What was that?" He asked softly and his tone shocked me. I was expecting an angry or disappointed one but instead he just seemed concerned, like he genuinely cared.

"I don't know, I just couldn't move." I put my head in my hands not wanting to see his disappointed look at my lack of self control. I knew I was supposed to know better but cut me some slack, it hasn't been that long.

"I get it." His tone was still soft. I looked up at him but he kept his face forward. "There's this girl and no matter how many times she seems to not care about me I still go back to her because I just can't leave her alone."

I felt my stomach drop. Jay has asked me out many times and I did reject him and ditch him for Paige but that was months ago. I hoped by now there was another girl and he wasn't talking about me. I knew I hurt Jay but I hoped I had made it up by now and we were just friends but maybe I was wrong all along.

"There's just something about her. I know she hurt me but I just need her." I finally decided to be honest. These were feelings that I was scared to admit out loud because I didn't want to disappoint anyone with the fact that I still hadn't moved on.

"You know there's no time limit on getting over someone. You can't force it." Jay comforted me. His advice didn't seem like wisdom it sounded like he was also dealing with the same problem.

The rest of the car ride was silent. Honestly I didn't know what to say because now instead of just Paige consuming my thoughts it was now Paige and Jay. I couldn't help but think I was the girl he was talking about. I didn't want to ever hurt someone and I had unintentionally done it to Jay because of how focused I was on Paige.

We got to our usual ice cream place off campus and sat at our table at the back. The sun was setting so I rested my head on his shoulder as I shoved the mint chocolate chip ice cream in my face.

"I'm sorry." I said randomly. I didn't look at him but I could tell he knew what I was apologizing for. He took a deep breath and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"It's not your fault." He rubbed my shoulder as we sat in the silence of the small shop.

Now it was confirmed that I was the one Jay was talking about. I had hurt Jay because I was wrapped up in my own problems. I was wrapped up with my infatuation with Paige Bueckers. I stopped to wonder if that's what she had done to me. Did she hurt me because she was wrapped up with her own problems?

It couldn't be. You don't just break someone's heart like that. The main difference was that Paige and I were supposed to help each other through issues, not push each other away. She broke up with me because she wanted to.