Chapter 4
Aiden
“A nd how is that going?” Helene asked.
I sometimes did telehealth, but she wanted to see me in person at least twice a month. It wasn’t that I didn’t like going out, because I did, but I didn’t really like to go out alone, and I felt bad making Cass, Kushiel, Q, or one of the guys wait for me in the outer office or the car while I did therapy.
Probably something else I should talk about in therapy.
“Um, it’s going ok,” I answered.
She tilted her head, staring at me. Damn, she was good. She had glasses and curly brown hair in a top bun, and she somehow looked both young and mature at the same time. She was sweet and kind, and yet she also had this take-no-shit attitude. She was sitting in one of the comfy chairs a few feet away from me, and I had my legs tucked up underneath me in another comfy chair.
I liked that no matter what I said, I never seemed to shock her. Like, ever.
I bet she had a great face for playing poker.
I sighed. “Ok, so it isn’t going ok giving Liam and Q their space. I had a nightmare last night, and then I couldn’t sleep, but I promised I wouldn’t disturb them, so I got up and baked and then went for a walk this morning before work. It helped. I’m just… tired.”
“Who did you promise?” she asked.
“Huh?” I asked, fidgeting in my seat.
“Did you promise Liam and Q that you wouldn’t disturb them?”
“Um, no…”
She pushed her glasses up her nose. “So you made a promise to yourself that you wouldn’t ‘disturb’ them. Have they given any indication that you sleeping in the same room is disturbing to them?”
I huffed. “I don’t just sleep in the same room. I sleep in the same bed. I cuddle with them, for goodness sake. I’m a grown man and it’s like I need a nightlight and a freaking security blanket, only Q is my security blanket. And I leave the hallway lights on.”
“Aiden, you went through something very traumatic. You had a year with nothing but fake kindness and almost no human interaction. It’s natural that you’re touch starved and want human contact, and Q has given no indication whatsoever that he minds. In fact, he seems to embrace it, from everything you’ve said. He’s had his own trauma, so perhaps it’s also helpful to him. Have you considered that?” she asked.
“Uh… no, I guess I didn’t.”
“Because you lived for a year, and maybe longer than that, based on what you’ve said about your family, with people who treated you like a commodity, not a person.
“Q values you as a person—you’ve told me this. He values your interactions. You’re used to seeing the world as being made of people who give and people who take, and you have always been the giver, so it feels awkward that you think you’re ‘taking’ from Q. But Aiden, good relationships are both a give and a take. Both parties get something important from each other.”
I nodded my head. I knew what she was saying was true. “But I still feel like a stupid little kid?—”
Helene cut me off. “Aiden, I’m going to stop you right there for a moment. What do I always tell you?”
I sighed. “You tell me to be kind to myself and to give myself grace.”
“Yes, meet yourself with kindness. It is amazing that you get up and go to work each morning. It is amazing that you are making friends and working at something you are passionate about. You have made incredible strides, and I will not let you beat yourself up because you have certain needs, even if you think they’re unconventional.
“And let me just add that cuddling with another human being is not unconventional. If you knew some of the things I’ve heard about in sessions…”
I laughed, just like she meant for me to. I guessed she was right, too.
“What’s really bothering you, Aiden?” she asked gently.
“I don’t know. I guess I just feel like everyone around me is moving on, especially Q, and sometimes I feel like I’m still stuck in that room, you know? Like yeah, I get up and work and bake, but sometimes I feel like I’m just existing , just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Because that’s what being in that room was like most of the time. Being alone and just waiting for him to come back, for better or worse.” I shrugged.
“But you aren’t alone, Aiden, and this is why you not going in to see Q and Liam when you have a nightmare concerns me. Is it possible that you’re putting yourself back into that room without even meaning to?” she asked gently.
Fuck. I got tears in my eyes, although I didn’t really know why.
“Maybe,” I finally answered. “Maybe I have been sort of isolating myself without even realizing it.”
“And why do you think you’re doing that now? Has someone pushed your boundaries, or are you uncomfortable with someone?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I really like Liam. I’m not uncomfortable around him at all. Toby, Dexter, Jude, and Corbin have been super nice, and they haven’t made me uncomfortable either. Toby definitely wants to be friends, and sometimes that’s kind of weird, but he’s really respectful and doesn’t push me at all.”
“So maybe you think you’re getting too close to people? Could that be why you’re starting to isolate yourself? What are you afraid will happen if you get close to people?” she asked.
Fuck. She just went for all my weak points. I knew why I didn’t want to get too close to people, but I didn’t want to talk about it. Not now. I just shook my head at her, and then I pointed to my wrist. Our time was up anyway.
“I don’t like to end our session with you feeling badly, Aiden. I can make more time if you want to talk about it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. Not today. I think today has been enough for me,” I answered.
“Ok, Aiden. That’s ok. I want you to know that you’re doing great and amazing, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. I want you to be kind to yourself, and I really want you to make a conscious effort to not shut people out this week. Do you think you can do that?”
I nodded at her, then I added, “Yeah, I can do that.”
“Maybe you can talk to Liam or Q about disturbing them, and see what they say. Do you think you could do that, as well?”
I nodded again. “Yeah. Thanks, Helene.”
She smiled, and we confirmed our next session, then I headed out of her office and down to the car. Jude was waiting right out front, and I breathed out another sigh and rubbed at my eyes as I got in the car. Jude just started silently driving. He was good about giving me a little space after therapy.
Sometimes therapy really sucked. It helped, sure, but sometimes I guess you had to feel a little worse before you could feel better. And yeah, lately I had felt like I was back in that room.
Being someone’s captive for a year wasn’t what I expected. Yeah, it was terrifying in the beginning, but I felt like that time was a hazy dream. Eventually, it was just… mundane.
It was the same every day. I was alone all day and overnight, but I had basic television streaming and books, and in the evenings he came in to see me for our “dates.” It got to where it was… I don’t know. I don’t want to say it was nice, but sometimes I could pretend, just like he did. I could pretend he was my boyfriend, and for a little while, I wasn’t so alone.
Yeah, I knew all about how “normal” that was, and Helene had said that I could feel like I loved my captor and also like I hated him, and it was ok to feel both those things. But I never loved him. He was just, I don’t know, a distraction. He was a way to not be so alone.
I hated that room. I could still close my eyes and see it vividly—the curtains and the bedspread and the television and the bookshelf bolted to the wall. I could see the scratches in the bookcase, the smudge on the tv screen that you could only see when it was shut off. I could see the crack in the wood floor.
Sometimes I felt like I was still stuck in that room, all alone. Like I was sitting on the bed just waiting for him to come in, and all of this was a daydream.
That thought was shattered by the sound of sirens. I looked in the rearview mirror, and sure enough, there was a cop car behind us. I looked over at Jude, who had definitely started speeding, only I hadn’t really noticed because I was caught in my own thoughts.
He was grinning like a loon, both hands on the steering wheel.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He looked over at me a little sheepishly then. “Shit. Do you have issues with cops? I can totally outrun him if that’s better for your mental well-being.”
“Um, no, I do not think running from the cops would be better for my mental well-being, Jude.” I couldn’t help a little snark in my response—I guess Q was rubbing off on me.
“Ok, great!” he said, pulling over to the side of the road.
He was smiling like a kid in a candy story as he watched in the rearview mirror as the officer got out of the car.
The guy was probably mid-forties, and he was scruffy in a sexy way. He had that dad-bod thing going on, where you could tell he was strong and fit, but he wasn’t muscle-bound. He was also scowling, and it suddenly hit me.
“Jude, is this the sheriff you were talking about the other day?” I asked.
“Yup!” Jude answered gleefully.
I just slid down in my seat. I didn’t know what the hell Jude’s fascination with the sheriff was, but he thought the guy was cute and sexy and all that, and apparently he really liked to annoy him. And the sheriff looked annoyed as soon as he saw Jude.
Jude slid the window down. “Ah, here comes the sun! Good afternoon, Paul.”
Paul looked even more grumpy. “It’s Officer?—”
“Of course it is,” Jude said, cutting him off to hand over his license and registration. “You know you’re my favorite Beatle,” he added, winking.
The sheriff was just staring at him and didn't bother looking at the documents. He looked at me, raising his eyebrows. “And you are…”
He was looking at me, waiting for an answer, and I froze. Panic flooded through my system, and I didn’t even know why. I had legal documents. My name would check out, yet somehow I couldn’t seem to open my mouth. This sheriff seemed too smart. It was like I could sense the predator in him, even if I thought he was a good kind of predator. My family was looking for me, and I couldn’t trust anyone.
“This is Aiden,” Jude cut in, drawing the attention back to himself. “He works at Cass’s coffee shop. Surely you’ve seen him there?”
I breathed. Yes, I had a job. I’d been in town awhile. Nothing to see here.
Only the sheriff looked back at me, and his stance shifted ever so slightly as his eyes glanced back toward Jude in an assessing manner. His entire demeanor changed from annoyed but relaxed to alert.
It was a stance that promised violence if things weren’t what they seemed. I knew that look, and I realized the problem. Here I was looking panicked in Jude’s car and not speaking. It was probably rather suspicious, and I did not need Jude getting taken in for questioning because I looked like I was kidnapped or something.
I unclasped my lips, saying, “Yes. I work in the back, baking. I don’t really like people.”
Jude looked over and smiled at me. “Hey, it’s ok. You bake really good shit.” He looked back at the sheriff then, and I caught a hard edge to his look. “Aiden isn’t a people person, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Jude’s defense of me seemed to set the sheriff at ease. “Of course not.” He looked at me then. “Your cookies are amazing. I stop in pretty frequently for them.”
I smiled at him before looking away. Praise made me feel weird, and I didn’t quite know what to say. That was ok, because Jude took over.
“So, what’s up, Mister City Policeman?” Jude asked. I kind of thought that was a lyric, and based on the sheriff’s grimace I guessed he recognized it.
“You were speeding, Jude Smith,” the sheriff answered.
“You gonna give me a ticket? Maybe then I can go to court to negotiate it,” Jude said, and he sounded almost like he was suggesting something obscene.
I looked over, and he was smirking at the sheriff. Then he actually winked. My god, we were gonna get thrown in jail.
The sheriff looked aggravated and flustered at the same time. “Just… slow down.”
“Okey-dokey, Mister City Policeman,” Jude answered.
The sheriff huffed and handed Jude’s documents back through the window, only I noticed that Jude made sure their hands touched.
The sheriff pulled back, looking flustered and grumpy as hell, and then he turned and stormed back to his car.
Jude started the car and began whistling as he pulled out onto the road. He had a mischievous look on his face.
“Jude, I swear, you better not do anything stupid so he pulls us over. Again,” I said.
“Aww, that’s no fun, Aiden. He’s so cute. And such a good person. And he’s so easy to rile up. One day I’m gonna make him really flip out, and that’s gonna be such fun.” Jude laughed happily.
I just stared at him. “You and I have very different definitions of fun.”
“Ah, that we do, Aiden. That we do. But I have a feeling the sheriff might be more interested in my kind of fun than he knows.”
With that cryptic comment, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes for the rest of the ride. Whatever Jude and the sheriff had going on, I had enough to worry about. I just hoped I hadn’t pinged his radar. My name was solid, and he could look into that and not come up with anything. I’d changed my looks, and my year in captivity had changed me even more, so even if my family was circulating pictures, I’m not sure people would know it was me.
Still, I couldn’t help but worry. Maybe I needed to talk to Liam about my family. Maybe it was time to come up with a plan, or at least see what they were doing. Helene was right—maybe I needed to let myself out of that room and face the world.
I was tired of being scared all the time.