Page 12

Chapter 12

Aiden

S eeing Atlas in his human form had thrown me off, but then he’d grunted and tilted his head just like Fluffy, and it was kinda funny in a slightly hysterical way. He didn’t seem to mind it when I’d called him Fluffy, either.

He didn’t seem to mind much, in his human or dog form.

We walked out to the car, and Jude looked momentarily surprised to see a human instead of a dog, but he didn’t say a word. Atlas slid into the back seat, and I followed him. I felt jittery and nervous. Part of it was the guy next to me, but a lot of it was also just going through all that history with Helene. I felt a bit like I’d run a marathon or something—worn out and exhausted but also amped up with adrenaline.

It was like Atlas knew, because he looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and lifted his arm up slightly. I could practically hear him asking for cuddles. I hesitated, and then I looked at his eyes. He was totally making Fluffy puppy dog eyes at me.

I almost laughed, but I figured it would come out hysterical. Instead, I leaned into him, and he pulled me gently closer, resting my head against him and petting my hair. It helped soothe me. I could see Jude in the rearview mirror continuously looking back at us.

“If you speed so we get pulled over, I’m gonna smack you,” I said, because I felt like I needed to say something.

Jude grinned. “Nah, I don’t hear the police car at his usual spot.”

“You don’t hear the police car?” I asked, confused.

“Yeah, they're gonna need to fix that exhaust system on the cruiser he always takes,” Jude answered. “It sounds different from other cars.”

I sat for a moment, cuddled into Atlas, and then a thought struck me. If Jude could hear a police car up the road and tell it apart from other cars…

“Jude, how good is your hearing?” I asked.

“Ah, well…” Jude mumbled, looking in the rearview mirror again.

“Could you hear a conversation in another room?” I asked.

“I mean, yeah, that’s not hard. Maybe even in another house. But don’t worry—I listen to music in the car, and I never listen in on your therapy sessions,” he reassured me.

Like that was what I was worried about. I didn’t even know I should be worried about that.

Atlas had heard everything, then, not just the part he’d been in the room for. That was probably why he’d changed into a human. Helene had suggested I spend more time with him that way.

I looked up at Atlas, but he just blinked down at me, tilting his head. I saw no guilt for eavesdropping, but he also didn’t look… lustful, or pitying, or like anything at all had changed. He looked like Fluffy, comforting and kind.

Because he was Fluffy.

I looked away. Too much for my brain to handle right now. Atlas was warm, and his grip was gentle around me, and he smelled nice. Familiar. I felt the jitters fade from my body, and a deep wave of exhaustion rolled through me.

* * *

I woke up on the couch in my house, my head on Atlas’s lap, a blanket tucked around my body. Atlas’s thigh was a freaking tree trunk, but somehow it still made a comfortable pillow. His arm was resting on me, surrounding me in warmth.

I had a vague, fuzzy recollection of being carried in the house like a little kid and being gently shushed by Atlas when I tried to protest. I also sort of remembered Jude spreading the blanket over me as I nestled down and laid in Atlas’s lap.

It was kind of embarrassing.

I sat up, and Atlas’s hand flexed against me, almost like he didn’t want to let go, but he did it anyway. I clutched the blanket around me and looked at him. He stared back.

“How long was I sleeping?” I asked.

Atlas shrugged. “Hour?” he guessed.

I stared at him some more, and he tilted his head the tiniest bit, like he was listening.

“Do you want us to change?” he asked.

It took a moment, but I remembered what he’d said about his hellhound being his companion when he was little.

“Were you seriously raised by wolves?” I asked. Then I felt my face heat in embarrassment. “Oh my god, ignore that I just asked that.”

A small grin spread across his mouth, and if I thought he was attractive before… holy shit. Atlas smiling was otherworldly. He was beautiful.

“It’s ok. You can ask anything,” he reassured me. “Yes, I was abandoned as a pup. My hellhound is… sort of separate. It’s all me, but it’s two sides of me. It’s like talking to myself in my head.” He frowned then grunted, obviously frustrated that he couldn’t seem to explain it.

“It’s ok,” I said, reaching out and patting his arm. “I was really lonely in that room for a long time. I’d make up these fantastical stories in my head, like the books I read. I would sit and just daydream sometimes, imagining there were people there with me. Sometimes it seemed more real than the room did.”

I felt weird admitting that, but Atlas just nodded like he understood exactly what I meant.

“Did you hear everything I told Helene?” I asked.

He tilted his head again. I must have been pretty proficient at reading Fluffy body language, because I could practically hear him say, Yeah, so what? He was so like his other form sometimes, and it reminded me again that he was Fluffy.

“You heard that I think… Well, that I saw you as… you know,” I said, but Atlas still just stared. “Although maybe you don’t see me like that, you know, so it doesn’t matter how I see you like… you know,” I finished.

Could I be any less clear if I tried? Had I ever been so freaking awkward?

Atlas seemed to be having an inner debate with himself. I could practically see him having a conversation with Fluffy.

“Just tell me,” I finally said. It was better to know whatever it was, whether it was that he wasn’t interested in me at all, or that he was interested in me in that way. Both were sort of equally terrifying, if I were honest.

“You’re my mate,” Atlas finally said, and then he stared at me, like he hadn’t just dropped a freaking bombshell on me.

Liam called Quinton his mate. Dexter called Toby his mate. They were two madly in love couples. They had sex. They were practically married.

“But…” I sputtered. I couldn’t be Atlas’s mate. I was a freaking mess. We hadn’t even kissed. I hadn’t even known he was a person until recently. “I can’t be your mate.”

Atlas just nodded his head calmly, and it kind of pissed me off.

“You can’t just tell some guy that he’s your mate, you know. Because that isn’t ok. I’ve seen mates, and they’re madly in love and would kill for each other, and they have sex and live together and are perfectly normal couples,” I burst out. I stood up, starting to pace.

“I would kill anyone who harmed you,” Atlas said calmly, like that was perfectly normal. He added, “And we live together.”

“We do not!” I yelled. I had no idea why I was yelling, but I was.

“We haven’t slept apart in weeks,” Atlas stated.

“Because you were a dog!” I shouted, throwing my hands up.

Atlas just tilted his head, as if that made no difference in the world.

“You don’t love me,” I said, staring at his face.

“Of course I do,” he answered, like that wasn’t another fucking bombshell. “And you love Fluffy,” he added.

“Like a friend, yeah, but not like…” I trailed off, not sure what to even say to that. I started pacing again, then I stopped, pointing at him. “We haven’t had sex. We haven’t even kissed! And you licking my face does not count!”

“No, we haven’t,” he agreed.

“Do you want to have sex?” I asked, suddenly worried that maybe he didn’t even mean he loved me like that. Maybe he just meant that he loved me as a companion, because yeah, I did love Fluffy like a companion, but I felt like I hardly knew Atlas, and this whole thing was freaking crazy.

Atlas tilted his head again. “If you want to. If you are never comfortable with that, then that’s ok, although I would love to give you pleasure someday if you’ll let me.”

“This is… this is insane! I don’t even know you!” I cried out.

“Of course you do. You tell me everything. You cuddle with me every night. You cry on me and share all your burdens. I watch over and protect you, and I find comfort in being with you. Every moment I spend with you is a blessing.”

I didn’t think I’d ever heard Atlas say so much at one time, and… Shit. I sat down, putting my head in my hands.

He wasn’t wrong. He was my closest confidante and my favorite companion. We’d spent months together, walking the woods every day, then sharing a bed. He just hadn’t ever said a word, because he’d been a dog.

“We can’t be mates,” I said one more time in desperation.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because I’d be a shitty mate! I get to pour my heart out, and cry on you, and get cuddles. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to kiss you or have sex with you, and I really don’t think I’ll ever again be able to give another blowjob, even though I used to like it, because the very thought makes me nauseous. You never got to pour your heart out to me or tell me your problems. I’m broken and traumatized, and I take and take, and what the hell do you get out of it?” I asked, looking at him across the couch.

“I get you,” he said simply.

Like I was enough. I felt my face scrunch up as I tried not to cry.

He scooched over slowly, like he didn’t want to startle me, and he wrapped me in his huge arms, pulling me close against him.

“You are everything, and I have gotten comfort and joy from being with you. I like hearing you talk. I will take whatever you give me, and I will be thankful for it,” he whispered against my ear. “You are my pack. You are my mate.”

I cried a little against his chest, but I felt wrung out, like I didn’t have that many tears left in me. He was gently rocking me, and his chest was rumbling against me, and he was super warm and smelled so good.

This felt too fast. Insanely fast, although I had known Fluffy for months. I depended on him. I needed him in my life. I loved him, but obviously not like that, because he’d been a dog, even if deep down I knew he was more than a dog.

Then he’d turned into a human, and he’d cuddled me, and he’d been attractive, and it was like I didn’t know him at all. I guess I didn’t know him in that way, but he was still the same inside. He still made me feel safe and warm and protected.

He also now sort of made me feel horny, which I tried very hard not to think about. But trying hard not to think about something never worked, because then I was thinking about his big strong arms surrounding me, and his warmth, and his earthy, forest-like smell, and his really long eyelashes, and his full lips.

Shit. My stomach swooped, but Atlas just made a louder rumble against me, holding me tighter, almost like he knew I was panicking. He took deep breaths in and out, and I tried to match his breathing.

“I survived because of my hellhound. But when Wilder took me in, I had to learn that sometimes my hellhound didn’t understand human things. I had to remind him about human rules. Sometimes I still do. He listens when I do, but sometimes I need to reason with him,” Atlas said.

I breathed against his chest, unsure what he was trying to tell me.

“It’s like you have a hellhound, too,” Atlas said. “It got you through your time in that room, and maybe it helped with your family before that. It’s hard to reason with your hellhound, because it wants action, but sometimes you have to tell that half of yourself that you’re safe now. That you don’t have to be afraid or fight or run away. That people can be trusted and won’t hurt you.”

I was quietly crying again, clutching Atlas, because he wasn’t wrong. I had run on instinct for so long. I’d thought I had a happy childhood, but I’d always been following the unspoken rules, walking on a tightrope, making sure to not disappoint anyone. It had been a lifetime of pleasing others, of doing what was expected of me.

Atlas rumbled softly under me, and he rubbed my back until my tears slowed.

“You’re safe with me,” Atlas finally murmured. “I will never do anything you don’t want to. I will always let you decide. You’re safe.”

I took a breath and pulled away, wiping my eyes. I needed a minute, so I got up and went to the bathroom to blow my nose and process everything. It had been a lot. Talking with Helene, then Atlas’s bombshell. I still couldn’t even process that. How could I be anyone’s mate?

I heard the door open then and voices in the living room—Liam and Q were home. I took a few deep breaths and splashed some cold water on my face.

I walked out to see them unpacking takeout food from a bag. I bet Jude had told them I had a rough therapy session, and they decided to get dinner. All the guys were really nice about stuff like that. I knew I was lucky to have them.

Q came over and hugged me. I’m sure he could tell I’d been crying.

“You ok?” he whispered in my ear.

I nodded, hugging him back. We separated after a minute, and I looked over at Liam, who had opened up his computer at the kitchen island. He opened his mouth to say something, and I heard a low growl coming from Atlas, who was still sitting on the couch.

“Don’t you get all growly with us, you asshole,” Q snapped, pointing his finger. “I’m still mad at you.”

Atlas didn’t look the least bit fazed by that. He actually yawned, which of course just pissed off Q even more. I could sense a Q snarkfest coming on, and I’m sure Liam could too, because he perked up when Q started marching toward Atlas.

I knew Atlas wouldn’t actually do anything to Q, but Liam got up and intercepted him, grabbing him around the waist.

“Now, my little hellcat,” Liam grumbled.

Q was staring at Atlas, and he looked like the claws were about to come out. “He’s my roommate, and you don’t get—” he started.

Atlas cut him off. “He’s my mate.”

Liam and Q just stood there, staring at him, then, in unison, they turned and stared at me.

“He says I am,” I shrugged, then a slightly hysterical giggle broke out of me. I covered my mouth and tried not to get teary again.

Q’s mouth was actually open. Then, like something out of a horror movie, his head rotated around to stare at Atlas. I could tell he was seething.

“You’re his what ?” Q asked hoarsely.

“His mate,” Atlas said, like he was commenting on the weather.

“And how long have you known that?” Q asked.

Liam was rubbing Q’s arms and sort of rumbling against him, probably trying to calm him down. Q looked ready to explode.

Atlas shrugged. Q looked back at me.

“He just told me. I said I couldn’t possibly be his mate, because you guys are mates or whatever and Dexter and Toby are mates, and we aren’t like you guys are, but he just said I’m his mate, so… yeah,” I finished, shrugging uselessly again.

Q turned back to Atlas.

“You can’t just tell him that!” he yelled, and I saw Liam’s grip on him tighten, although Liam’s face looked confused.

Atlas tilted his head, reminding me again of Fluffy.

“Why not?” he asked simply.

“You can’t… You just…” Q looked at Liam for backup, but he looked just as perplexed as Atlas. Q shrugged out of his grip with a mutter about “damn hellhounds.”

He looked at me. “They’re just fucking clueless sometimes. The whole lot of them,” he muttered. He turned back to Atlas, and I could feel a rant coming on.

I just didn’t have the energy. I was done with the day. Done with feelings and trauma and big news.

“I’m hungry,” I said, and everyone stopped and looked at me. There must have been something in my face, because Q sort of deflated. Atlas came over to me. He didn’t put his arm around me, but he sort of leaned against me, just like Fluffy always did.

“I’m done for today. I just need food, a shower, and bed,” I said, and then I turned toward the takeout.

Everything else could wait until tomorrow.