Page 94 of Hold 'Em Tight

His words hit me, breaking the dam. I burst into tears, which quickly leads to heavy sobs.

All this time, I was pregnant. I spent months grieving a baby I didn’t lose.

Months lying to the men I love, because I thought I was saving them from being hurt. When really I was just causing more pain for myself, as well as taking away their right to be there for me during this pregnancy.

I’ve pushed Trevor away, when that's exactly what he was trying to do.

Who am I? What have I become?

“Rylee, baby, breathe,” Trevor says, cupping my face.

“I’m sorry,” I sob, clutching at my chest. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I keep crying, unable to stop.

“Hey, hey.” Trevor's red-rimmed eyes stare back at me. “It’s okay. You need to calm down. Breathe. This isn’t good for the baby.”

“I’m sorry,” I wail. “I just wanted it all to go away. I didn’t know. I thought I lost the baby.”

“I know.” He sits next to me, pulling me into his arms. “I know. Shhh. It's okay. Everything is going to be alright now.”

“No, it’s not.” There’s snot running down my face, but I don’t even care. I’m too much of an emotional wreck. This is too much to handle right now. I feel like the biggest idiot. The worst girlfriend. What kind of mother doesn’t even take care of herself while pregnant. My poor baby. I didn’t even go to the doctors at all.

“You knew,” Mateo growls. “You knew this whole fucking time that she was pregnant and you didn’t say anything!”

“I wanted to tell you,” Trevor insists. “But it wasn’t my place.”

“You told him, but not us?” Donny asks, looking hurt.

“No,” I say desperately, shaking my head. “He found the test. I didn’t tell him.”

“So, if he didn’t find it, then none of us would have known about the baby?” Colton asks, looking so broken.

I did this. This is all my fault. I knew this was going to hurt them more than if I just confessed in the beginning. I’m so fucking stupid.

“I wanted to tell you. But with everything that was happening with Lennox, I didn’t want to add more stress to your lives.”

“That’s our fucking baby,” Mateo croaks. “No matter what was going on in our lives, knowing you were going to give us a tiny little human, that was part of one of us, isn’t stress, Rylee. It’s a fucking gift.” He rubs at his chest and I cry harder. I’m spiraling, and I don’t know how to stop crying.

“I was going to tell you, but then I thought I lost the baby, and… and…” I’m gasping for air now, clawing at my chest.

“Rylee.” Lennox cups my cheeks. “Baby, breathe.” I blink up at him rapidly, letting in little whimpering breaths. “That's it. In and out. You've got this. Breathe for me.”

I listen to the sound of his voice, using it to anchor me in this moment.

“That's my girl.” His voice breaks as he puts his forehead to mine. “My beautiful, amazing girl.”

“Lennox,” I sob out his name. He climbs onto the bed and pulls me into his arms.

“I have you, baby. I’m here. And I’m so fucking sorry. This was all my fault.”

No, it’s not. None of this is any of our fault. It’s Missi’s.

No. That’s also a lie. I was wrong. I lied. I fucked all of this up.

My body feels heavy and my head feels sluggish. The tightness in my chest hurts every time I take a breath. But the tears have finally slowed.

With my head on Lennox’s chest, I focus on his heartbeat as I continue to take small breaths.

“I’m not sure what exactly is going on with all of you, but I think this should be discussed at another time. Stress like this isn’t good for Rylee or the baby,” the doctor states from the end of the bed.