Page 101 of Hold 'Em Tight

I’ve been talking to Robin for a few weeks now, and while we’ve just scratched the surface of my mountain of issues, I know it’s going to be helpful in the long run.

Thinking I lost the baby, and how I dealt with it, really fucked with my mind. And I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to the guys anymore.

We’re a team, a family, and I need to learn to trust that they will be by my side, and they'll help me bear the stress and pain, rather than trying to be a superhero and dealing with things alone.

I know their trust in me isn’t fully back yet, and I don’t blame them. I would have been the same way if it was me on the other end of things. But I plan on showing them everyday how much I regret what I did, that I love them, and while they might not fully trust me, I trust them.

While things with Lennox might have gotten a lot better, we’re still not where we were before. Hopefully, with time, things will change. A lot has happened, and it’s not something that can just be fixed overnight.

But that's the end goal. To be a family again, to raise our baby girl together, and be a team.

So many trusts have been broken, and we’re a bit of a messed up family right now, but we’ve also been going to couples counseling, to help our relationship.

The fact is, none of us are okay. We all have obstacles we’re working through, and we're each dealing with things in our own way.

Patience and time are key.

But we love each other, so we’re all in this for the long haul.

I can’t imagine my life without them.

“They’re up next,” Trevor says, giving my hand a squeeze.

I smile up at him, and when his eyes meet mine, I want to cry. I hurt this man so badly, and it kills me every day.

Things have been rocky between him and the guys. They’re upset with him for not being honest, and keeping things from them like he did. Trevor was a wreck for the longest time about it. At one point, I thought he might leave me.

Thankfully, he didn’t. And even after all I did, he’s still by my side.

He’s a saint, is what he is. To know he loves me so much that he’s willing to still be with me after everything I’ve done, it means the world to me. It’s more than I deserve, but I know I couldn’t handle losing him.

In one of our therapy sessions, Robin told the guys that a lot of my decisions were based on denial, depression, and trauma.

After, I broke down, sobbing, telling them I regret everything, and I now see that I wasn't exactly in my right mind.

They seem to be a lot more understanding now. But still, I don’t blame them for how they’re handling it.

Bottom line, there were secrets, lies, and betrayal. That's going to take time to heal from, but we’re determined to make things work.

Excitement swirls in my belly for the guys as I try to ignore the cramping feeling.

One more hour, little one. Mama is asking you for one more hour. Let’s see your daddies win this, then you can make your appearance in the world.

After the doctor told me no more cheering, Colton went into cheer captain mode. We called in one of the decent girls from the auditions to take Sabrina's place, and Sabrina quickly learned my part in the routine.

Honestly, she’s better than me, so I’m not mad at all. Everything worked out in the end, and that's all that matters to me.

“Are you okay?” Trevor asks, his face filled with concern when I wince in pain.

“I’m fine.” I laugh it off, but I know he’s not buying it.

“Rylee.” The way he says my name has me hit with guilt. I’m supposed to be being open and honest. Time to fess up.

“Don’t be mad, okay.” I turn to him.

“Mad about what?” Lennox asks, joining me on my other side as he hands me the milkshake I’ve been craving.

“Oh, you're a life saver,” I moan, taking a sip.