Page 41

Chapter 41

Home Truths

Parker

My mom and I haven’t spoken since our fight at the start of the summer, but with my first match suddenly days away, I want to make things right. I want her to know about Brandon. I want her to know about MMA.

I want her to know me .

Preferably before Tank Hudson brutalises me inside a steel cage.

I still can’t believe my debut fight is gonna be against that badass motherfucker. And that my old team, if you can even call them that, are going to be cornering him. I’ve been watching as much old footage of him as I can find. This isn’t going to be easy.

Zara’s got a gameplan. Most of it seems to be surviving until the last round, when he tires himself out. It’s crazy, how much my life has changed in less than a couple of months.

Still, I wanted this. I’m choosing it. And you can’t be scared about your choices. Any of them.

Especially ones like Brandon.

He’s basically been in lockdown all week, emerging only for training. The talk hasn’t gone away. Only about him. Nothing about me. I feel like I’ve gotten away with a crime that I didn’t even commit.

Simon reports that security have kicked out a couple more journalists. There were some paparazzi waiting outside the gates one afternoon. That’s why we’ve gone the week without seeing each other.

That, and the fact I’ve been at Zara’s from dawn to dusk. She’s brought in training partners to help me. My whole body is scuffed from head to toe, but it’ll be worth it.

Tonight is my one night off.

“You’re quiet”. Donnie hands me the placemats to set the table. “It’s unnerving, Parker”.

I’m doing what I always do in family gatherings. Trying to make myself helpful and invisible at the same time. Ever since my mom remarried, it’s like I’ve been a stranger in my own family.

In the dining room, there’s a new addition to the shelf of photographs. I know it’s petty, but I can’t help but count the photographs in the gallery wall. 12 of Daniel. 9 of Drue. And 2 of me, if you include the family shot from the wedding. The other one is my first day of school.

My mom took the picture, and my dad was lurking behind her, pulling funny faces, making me laugh.

Watching my mom with Donnie, and her two other kids, it’s hard not to think that this is the life she should have had. She never talks about my dad. I’ve spent many nights wondering just how much she regrets him. Regrets me.

She’s rebuilt the perfect life, the perfect family that she had never had before.I can’t even blame her. Not now I’m older than they were when they became parents.

I get it , I want to tell her. I’d regret having me too .

No sooner have we sat down than Drue and Danny start hitting me with rapid fire questions. “Guys, let your brother catch his breath”. Donnie shoots an apologetic smile at me. Like I’m suddenly going to be overwhelmed by the prospect of spending time with my own siblings. Half siblings.Whatever.

“It’s totally fine”. I take all the questions in turn. “Yes, there are girls at work but no, I don’t have a girlfriend. I make just enough money to spring for these”, I produce a stash of soccer-themed candies from my bag which Danny snatches up like they’re gold dust, “And a million per cent yes, we can go to the mall next time I’m home”.

“Sweet!” Drue opens her little clutch purse, flashing me a sight of some Benjamins. “I just got my allowance”.I let out a low whistle. She’s probably got more cash on her than I have.

I shouldn’t be jealous of a small child, obviously. And I know Donnie makes a ton of money with his construction business. But let’s be real. When I was her age, I was checking the slot machines for loose change. Not stashing a couple of hundreds in a designer purse.

“She’s just excited”, Donnie says to me. “She missed her big brother”.Across from me, my mom takes another sip of wine.

It wasn’t my choice not to be here. I focus on my chicken and rice. I don’t have to try very hard to let the reason for my absence overpower the room. “Did you know we were going on vacation?” Danny asks, between bites.I feel my phone vibrate silently against my thigh. Brandon , I think hopefully.

I nod, mouth full of chicken.

“To Green Falls”, Drue continues, and my heart stops. My mom keeps her eyes focused firmly on her plate.

Green Falls is where my dad and I used to go camping. My mom hated it. Sure, we didn’t own the place. But taking her new family there feels like a violation, and worse still, she knows it. She can’t look at me, and I don’t want to look at her.

It’s just something else that once belonged to me that’s now been overwritten by someone else. But to say it would confirm what everyone thinks. Parker’s making trouble. Parker’s making a fuss.

“That’s great”. And I pour myself another drink.

* * * *

Later, in the living room, I tell them.

Donnie nods along, interrupting once or twice to ask a question. My mother remains perfectly still. Stoic. I’m not fooled. I’ve been on this side of the couch long enough to know when she’s restraining a reaction.

“Parker, I understand that MMA is important to you”, Donnie looks to my mother for a steer. “I’m just surprised that you’ve still been pursuing this. Without telling us”.

“This was my dad’s world”. Steel flashes across my mother’s face. “I’ve always wanted to follow in his footsteps”.

“But doesn’t this kind of… activity require intensive training?”

“I’ve spent my whole life training”. I rattle off my credentials. “I’m ready”.

“You were training in all those disciplines? When you lived here?” Donnie blinks. “I don’t recall you doing all that. Did we know that?”

“He used to tell us he was at soccer practice”, my mother says sharply. She opens her mouth to say something more, but clamps it shut again. Her arms are crossed tightly across her chest. “He lied”.

“I didn’t feel as though I had a choice”, I say truthfully. “I’ve been working with a professional MMA gym whilst I’ve been at Simon’s”.

Donnie tags back in. “I thought you were working with Simon at Summit”.

“I’m training in my spare time”. I tick them off. “Early mornings. Evenings. Weekends. It’s a lot, but it’s good. I’m good”.

“Does Simon know?”

“He’s been supportive”. I’m not going to throw him under the bus any more than that. “He knows it’s what I want. What I need”.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I know, deep down, that they want what’s best for me, but it would be awesome, just for once, not to be anchored by the constant feeling of letting everyone down.

“You’re being very quiet”. I risk a glance at my mother. “Did I awe you into silence?”

“You want me to speak? Alright”, my mother says, bluntly. “No”.

“No?”

“You are not throwing everything we worked for to die in a cage like an animal. I forbid it”.

My heart tightens. “It’s not your decision”.

“Maria, please…”

“Donnie, he is my child. I will not have this…”She rounds on me.“Surely there are better things you could be doing with your life than getting punched in the face for a living?”

“I don’t actually get punched all that much. Which you’d know, if you ever came to one of my matches”. I force a deep breath. “I’m not here to fight with you. If I can’t have your blessing, I’d at least like your understanding”.

“You’ll never have it. It’s barbaric”.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that I could be like Dad?”

“Your father wasn’t a fool”. That stings. More than it should. “Fine. You want this to be your life. Let’s play it out. How are you going to make any money?”

“I get paid for what I do. And I’m still working at Summit”.

“You get paid for getting beaten up?” She throws her hands up. “Wonderful. Why didn’t you say? How much?”

“It’s not a lot right now, but when I make it big…”

“When you make it big ? Listen to yourself!” She’s in full Italian soap opera mode. Footsteps scatter from upstairs as my siblings head for cover. The thought almost makes me smile. “This is insanity!”

“Maybe, but I’m choosing it”. I set my jaw. “Didn’t you ever choose something that people told you was a mistake?” Like having me . I’ve dared her. We both know it.

She recovers quickly. “College was your choice too. Look what happened there”.

“College was never my choice and we both know it”.

“Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?”

I stand up, “I love you, Mom. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me", She raises a hand but I continue, “I know you gave up a lot to have me, and I’ve let you down. But this is what I’m doing. I’ll live with the consequences. It’s my life to build up or burn to the ground”.

“Then burn it down”. She turns her back, leaning heavily against the mantle. “But you’ll do it without me watching. I swear to God, Parker. If it’s not constant worry, it’s inevitable disappointment”.

She didn’t mean that, kiddo.

Yes, Dad. She did.

You can’t let this get to you. You knew it would be like this.

“You haven’t been watching for a while. Let’s be honest”.

“So this is my fault?!” Mom whips round on Donnie. “You hear that, Donnie? It’s our fault. For wanting our son to have a good education. A career. A future”.

“There are different ways to be happy and successful. Different people need different things. Dad understood that”.

“Your father would be ashamed”.

That stops me. Donnie holds up his hands. “Maria. Please”.

Tears spring to my eyes. My throat is suddenly very thick. This trick has worked in the past. But this time she’s wrong. Over her shoulder, sitting in the corner of the boxing ring, my dad shakes his head at me. You know better, kid.

My mom leans heavily against the mantle over the fireplace. She raises her head, and her eyes catch mine in the mirror. “Go with love, then”.

I slide the flyer out from my jacket pocket. Unfold it and lay it on the coffee table. She still doesn’t turn around. “Here are the details. I’d love it if you both would come”.

A long silence stretches out between us. The door calls to me, invitingly. In two hours I can be back with Brandon. Eventually, Donnie pierces the quiet.

“You said there were two things that you needed to tell us”. He looks between my mom and I. “What was the second thing?”

* * * *

Obviously, I don’t tell them the second thing.

The second thing is miles away, probably balancing a soccer ball between his feet wearing a soft cotton hoodie that’s a size too big, pushing his quiff back as he bites his lip in a way that’s completely fucking adorable and makes my legs feel weak.

I don’t stay the night. I grab my bag and jump back in my car. A tap on the driver’s window startles me. Donnie gestures for me to roll down the window. Here comes the lecture .

“I know”, I hold up my hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrupt your whole night”.

“I thought you presented your argument very clearly”, Donnie holds up a clingfilmed plate of chicken and rice. “Leftovers. For the drive”.

“Oh. Thanks”, I say in surprise. I stash it on the passenger seat. “So, you’re on my side?”

“I wouldn’t go that far”, he smiles. “But you’re an adult. It’s your decision. And despite everything that’s happened in the last few years, you seem calmer, more confident, more assured than I’ve ever known you. That counts for something”.

“Guess I’m growing up”.

“I told my parents that too, once. When I was much older than you. Truth was, I was in love”. Donnie smiles. We never really talk like this. Normally we’re strictly surface level. “With your mother, obviously. And she sets a high standard. Hard woman to please”.

“You’re telling me”.

The early evening summer breeze picks up leaves, drops them again. I should just put my car in drive and leave. I should. “Have you seen much of Brandon?”

That’s one way of putting it.

“Uh yeah. A bit”.

“He’s been getting some attention recently”, Donnie adjusts my wing mirror. “Those stories are ridiculous. Tell him so from me. Keep his head up”.

I shift guiltily in my seat. Donnie had seen the photos? “You’ve always said he was a good influence”.

“Have I?” Donnie frowns. “I don’t remember that. I always thought you brought out the best in each other. Don’t get me wrong, Brandon’s a lovely kid. But sometimes a bit too serious. A bit too focused. You guys balanced each other out. Still do, probably”.

There’s a prickling behind my eyes.

“It’s been good to have him back in my life”.

Hesitatingly, Donnie reaches out and places his hand on my shoulder.“I’m not your father, but for whatever it may be worth, I care about you, Parker. And whatever’s making you this happy, it’s worth holding onto. Whether it’s MMA”, he squeezes my arm. “Or something else”.