Page 19

Chapter 19

Crossing Lines

Brandon

Parker scoops up his t-shirt and tosses it over his shoulder. He closes the door, not realising I can still see him. I wait, as a light turns on inside his bedroom, and after a few moments—long enough for me to talk myself out of calling him—it turns off.

I make it back to my own bed, exhausted but wide awake. I replay the whole night over and over, searching for answers but only finding more questions.

It’s our last seconds together that runs through my mind loudest of all.

His voice, strangled by anger and bewilderment. Only you can do that to me.

I’ve played this scene before. I should have said something. Or done something to show him that it’s okay. That this doesn’t need to be painful. That we haven’t done anything wrong.

That it doesn’t have to be like last time.

I type a quick message:

I’ve fucked up.

A moment later, Freddie’s name flashes up on my screen. “What’s his name?”

“Why would you just assume this is about a guy?” It sounds like he’s in an airport. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but damn, I’ve missed him. “There are many areas of my life that I could have fucked up”.

“This is true. Like what?”

“My emergency parking strategy could have backfired. Or I could have dropped my phone in a swimming pool. Or exaggerated my charitable deductions on my tax return”.

“Your tax return ? Carter, have you been drinking?”

“Or I might be lost”. I’m spiralling. “In the forest”.

“ Are you lost, Carter? Do I need to call Search and Rescue?”

“Search and Rescue would be if I was lost at sea”.

“Are you lost at sea?”

“Um. No”.

“Are you lost at all ?”

“No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called”.

“You didn’t call, I did”. He doesn’t sound frustrated, just confused. “Hang on. Let me move somewhere quieter”.

“How are things with Sabrina?” I ask quickly. “Have you seen much of her?”

“She’s good. Sorry—can I just get past—” The sounds dips out before the sound of an overhead speaker announces the opening of the departure gate to Rome. “A few logistical issues, given that I’m in France and she’s in Minnesota. But aside from that…”

“It must be hard”, I venture, “Being in love and there being distance between you”.

“It’s not ideal but it’s temporary” Freddie says, “That’s what you sign up for when you go long distance. It’s not always going to be easy. The hard part is–“

“Knowing that one day they’ll go away”. Whoa. Where did that come from?

“No, Brandon. That’s not the hard part”, Freddie says softly. “I promise it’s not”. A beat passes. “I was going to say, the hard part is loving someone so much that you feel like you’re not a full person without them. What’s going on?”

“You’ve got a flight to catch”.

“I’ve got six minutes”.

I close my eyes.Mumble something.

“No, I don’t think some people are destined to be alone. Of course I don’t. Where's this all coming from?”

“I’m repeating mistakes”. My hands twist together. “Wanting things I can’t have”.

“Things?”

“People. A person”, I close my eyes. “Something happened tonight and I shouldn’t have let it. Because he’s going to bolt. And I don’t want to lose him. But it’s inevitable. I don’t know why I’m fighting it”.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Freddie. I’m pretty disposable”.

“Who to?”

“To anyone. Everyone”, I swallow, fighting to keep my voice under control. “I haven’t even heard from my parents since before the accident. My dad won’t even return my texts and…and now there’s this guy, and I really like him. I think I love him, and I don’t even know if I’m built for that, or”, I break off, unable to finish the sentence.

“Brandon”, Freddie says quietly, “Built for that, or what?”

Or that I’m worthy of receiving it.

“Nothing”. I take a deep breath. Force a laugh. “Jesus. Wow. Sorry Freddie, I think I’m still drunk. And I’ve definitely taken up more than six minutes of your time”.

I can hear the chime in the background calling him for his flight. “You better go. Normal service will be resumed next time we talk, I promise”.

I hang up before he can reply. I stare at my phone for a second, then throw it across the room.