Page 28

Chapter 28

Revelations

Parker

“It’s official? I’ve been expelled”.

“The letter arrived this morning. No criminal charges. That’s the main thing”. Donnie pauses. “Your mom knows that too. She just needs some time to come to terms with it. You know how important she thinks a degree is for your future”.

“Yeah. She’s mentioned it once or twice”. I feel worse when people are kind, rather than just mad. “But things are going well here. It’s been better than I thought it would”.

“So Simon says”. Donnie smiles. “An annoying phrase I swore I’d never use. But he says you’re doing a great job. That you’re developing a real interest in it all?”

He sounds a bit doubtful, and I guess I can’t really blame him. It’d be quite a jump to go from expelled from college to executive at a training facility in a couple of weeks. “Does Mom know that?”

“She does. Parker, listen. College didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean you have to jump into the first thing that comes along. Take your time, okay?”

That’s easy for him to say. His face isn’t carved into the Mount Rushmore of public screwups.

“So, you and Brandon Carter are reunited and causing chaos up at Summit. Who’d have thought it? I never did understand why you two lost touch. It must feel good to be back in touch with him”.

“It really does”. I’m surprised by how much I mean it. I’d never really thought about how good it felt to have Brandon back in my life. I shoot a fond look over to our table.

But it’s empty, and Brandon’s gone.

* * * *

I duck out of the café and onto the street, weaving in and out of pedestrians. I think I spot him, but when I race over, it’s just some guy in the same sweater. Damn it. I scan the square, until I see him disappearing into an alley leading to the car park.

“What the fuck?” he splutters in surprise as I race over. He looks behind me. “Do you have a freaking jetpack? How did you catch up with me so fast?”

“All dine and dashers use alleyways to make their escape. It’s a well-known fact”.

“I paid for my sandwich. And yours. I’d hate for you to have to owe me one”.

“You can’t possibly be pissed that I wanted to split the cheque”.

“I’m not pissed at you at all”.

“You’re doing a great impression of someone who is”. I grab his elbow, pushing him gently against the wall. “Will you just stop for a second?” He glares at me but doesn’t try to escape. “Look, I touched your fucking hand, okay?”

“I’m aware”.

“And I overreacted”.

“Is that all it was? An overreaction?” Brandon scans my face. “Or something else?”

“Don’t be crazy. Come on. This is newer for me than it is for you”.

“That’s the thing. It’s not. I’ve never dated a guy before. Hook ups? Sure. Anonymous one-night stands with people I don’t care about? Fine. But dating someone I actually like? That’s new for me too”.

“Okay. So, we can figure it out together. Can’t we?” I give him a little nudge. “Isn’t that what best friends do?”

“We were best friends before, remember?” Brandon says quietly. “And I know we said we’d start fresh, but there’s something you should know. About why we stopped speaking in the first place”.

A chill runs down my spine. Brandon shifts awkwardly. “I know you said you didn’t remember anything, but that night after you went home, we had a conversation online. And you said some things. To me. About me”.

Oh God. Not this. Not now.

“I’ve tried to let it go. I really have”. There’s a thickness to his voice that reaches into my soul. “But they were the worst things anyone’s ever said to me. And now, even three years later, in my darkest moments, I’m still saying them to myself”.

My heart plummets. “I didn’t mean a single word of it”. The words tumble desperately out of my mouth before I can stop them. “I swear to you”.

Brandon’s mouth drops open. “You told me that you didn’t remember”. I reach out but he snaps his arm away. “You lied to me?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I have absolutely no memory of writing anything like that. I woke up the next morning and it was all still on the screen. I was horrified”.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you remembered?” Brandon’s voice cracks. “I’ve lived with that for three years, Parker. Three fucking years. Do you know how it felt to hear you say all those things?”

I swallow. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to hate me”.

“But you had no problem with me hating myself”.

“No!” I cry, earning a look from a passerby, “Brandon. Look at me”, I lower my voice. “That’s not how I feel. I could never feel that way about you”.

“One hour ago you grazed my hand and ran a mile. Three years ago you grabbed a hell of a lot more than just my hand, and our worlds imploded. I was broken”. Brandon closes his eyes. When he reopens them, his face has contorted into a fixed neutral expression. “Listen. Parker. It’s fine. We tried it. Let’s just get out now before either one of us gets hurt”.

“You’re not going to Dodger your way out of this. Out of us”.

“What ‘us’?” Brandon demands, “Do you really want this? Me?”

“Of course I do. I’m just not ready to… to come out . I haven’t thought that far ahead”.

“I’m not asking you to!” Brandon says, strangled. I take a step forward but he takes one back. It’s like we’ve hit an impasse. “Do you know what it was like for me, back then?”

I shake my head slowly.

“I spent every single day hoping that you’d see me. Really see me. And you never did, and it hurt. A lot. Then that night, you did see me. We saw each other, and it was everything. And somehow, I still ended up getting hurt”, he swallows, “It took a long time to put myself back together, and I still don’t feel fixed. If I get hurt like that again, I won’t survive it”.

“I would sooner die than hurt you”.

“I know falling in love with your best friend is messed up”. He wipes his eyes angrily. “I shouldn’t have done it. I should have been stronger then. But that doesn’t make it sick . I don’t need help ”.

“Oh my God, Brandon, I know that…”

“I can be stronger now. Don’t make this harder”. Gently, he prises my hand from his sleeve. “Trust me. This is better for both of us”.

And then he walks away.