Page 34

Chapter 34

Howls

Brandon

I line up each ball on the penalty line, blasting each one with imperfect precision towards its target as the rain whips around me.

Some hit. Most miss. I care and then I don’t. The misses correlate with my increasing frustration. The more I miss, the louder my thoughts get. They’re fighting to make themselves heard over the howl of the wind.

Greta shakes her head, ‘You’re never going to play soccer again’.

Freddie toasts me from an Italian bar, ‘The team is better off without you’.

My dad doesn’t look up from his newspaper, ‘Give it up, Brandon’.

The most painful thought of all jostles to the front.

Parker glances over his shoulder, his arm wrapped around Millie, ‘You didn’t seriously think we were more than just an experiment, did you?’

I don’t know how long I’ve been out here.

It’s weird. I know it’s raining, but I can’t feel anything. I can’t stop. If I can just do it. One more mile. One more penalty kick. One more shot. Then I’ll be good enough.

I don’t realise that I’m falling until it’s too late. I lie there, I don’t know for how long. Everything feels fuzzy. My vision blurs, as shapes get closer and closer.

Brandon, can you hear me?

The earth remains upturned beneath my feet.

I try to get up, but the haze that wraps itself around me whispers that it’s much easier to just lie down and stay down.

What’s wrong with him?

And let it all fade away.

* * * *

“Good”, I blink. I’m in my room, tucked up warmly in bed. “You’re not dead”.

Parker’s face comes into view. Instinctively, I try to get up but he pushes me carefully back down. “Don’t even think about it, Carter”.

“What happened?” My throat is scratchy.

“You freaked the hell out of me”, Parker says, “Is what happened”.

I open my mouth but he shoves a thermometer in it. “You can knock off the death glare. You’ve probably got hypothermia”.

“I’m fine”, I say. “I can get up”.

“Great. Then we can go get you checked out at the hospital”. Parker glances over to the small kitchen area, where pans rattle busily. “Right after we get some food inside you”.

“I just got a little light headed, that’s all”, I reach for him, but he pulls away. My voice hardens, “I thought we were over the aversion to hand-holding?”

Parker stalks to my desk and pours a glass of water. I sigh, ignoring the pounding in my head. “Let’s not make this bigger than it needs to be”.

“ Bigger than it needs to be ?” Parker echoes, whirling round.

It’s only then I realise just how pissed he is. “Carter, are you kidding me? I’ve been out of my goddamn mind. You’re training your ass off in the middle of a freaking storm, for fucks sakes, and then I find you barely conscious , stone cold…”

“You’re exaggerating…”

“I thought something really fucked up had happened, okay?” He slams his hand on my desk. “And since I’ve got slightly more experience with people dying before they’re meant to than you do, maybe exercise some self-control and bite back whatever dumb joke you’re planning to make right now”.

I close my mouth. Focus on trying to convey an apology using eye contact alone. He refers back to his phone. “Hypothermia: Symptoms. Shivering?”

“Only from the anticipation of finally getting you in my bedroom”.

“What did I just say?” He rolls his eyes. “Tiredness?”

“I guess. But tiredness is a symptom for everything”, I protest. “Parker. I’m literally in bed”.

“Irritation?”

“Yours or mine?”. He glowers. Literally glowers. “Sorry. No irritation”.

“That makes one of us. Hallucinations?”

I’m about to answer when the door swings open to reveal Millie St Clare bearing a tray of soup and chunky white bread. I begin blinking rapidly. “Uh, Parker?”

“You’re not hallucinating”. Parker’s eyes remain on me. “Unfortunately”.

Millie deposits the tray on my lap. “I take it you didn’t tell him why I’m here”, she says, ignoring me.

I look between the two of them. “If you’re trying to engineer another ménage, I’ll pass”. I pull myself into a sitting position, ignoring the spinning in my head. “Been there, done that. Have the emotional scars to prove it”.

“So Carter’s still funny. Wonderful”.

“She came to apologise”, Parker says. He stares pointedly at the soup, and I take a mouthful. It’s annoyingly delicious. “And to tell me that she’s trying to persuade the girl from Darwin’s party to come forward. Not that it matters, because I told her not to”.

“What?” I can’t believe my ears. “What did you do that for?”

“That’s what I said”, Millie says triumphantly.

“Because it would make her a target, and she’s been through enough”, Parker says evenly, with the air of someone who’s tired of giving the same explanation to the same question. “And because I don’t want to keep going backwards. Not when my life is going forwards”.

“But what if he does it to someone else?”

“Excellent point, Carter”, Millie says.

“Thanks, St Clare”.

Parker looks between the two of us, nostrils flaring in annoyance.

“First of all, I’m not enjoying this little alliance. Secondly”, he turns to Millie. “Amanda doesn’t really want to come forward. I’m not going to have her forced into doing something she doesn’t want to. The only person who took a real hit was me, and I’m okay with it”.

“But you shouldn’t have been expelled!”

“Carter, believe it or not, I like where I’m at right now. Here. With you. I’m not looking to do anything to change that”. Millie bites her lip thoughtfully. “I’m actually happy. For once. Is that cool with everyone?”

“You know how you can tell someone’s really happy?” He looks so annoyed I can’t help but give a little smile. “They look really pissed off when they’re saying it”.

“Then consider me ecstatic, because I’m still pissed”. But he sits down at the end of my bed anyway.

“For whatever it’s worth, I am sorry”, Millie cuts in. “There’s no excuse, but I’m going to try and provide one anyway”.

“You don’t need to”, I begin, but she cuts me off.

“Please. Let me just get through this. It’s my first ever real apology, so buckle in”. Millie takes a deep breath. “The things that happened that night, between the three of us, were unexpected. I’m not ashamed of it”, she adds quickly. “But, later I realised it was about trying to get closer to Parker, more than anything else”.

I know the feeling .

“I was very much in love with you”, Millie says.

“Plot twist”.

“Not you , Carter”, she rolls her eyes. “Parker, I knew that life was taking us in different directions. No matter how much you thought our differences mattered to me, I want you to know that they didn’t”. She looks directly at Parker. “I never cared how much money you had or whether you went to college or not”.

“It felt like that sometimes”, Parker says, after a moment.

“I know. But at the time, it felt like no matter what I did, I’d always come in second”. A little shiver runs through me. No prizes for guessing who she thought she was coming second to . This guy.

“I knew that Carter had feelings for you. I just didn’t know if you had them for him. And after that night”, she wraps her coat around her, “It was obvious to me, at least, that you did”.

Parker nods slowly. I can’t quite look at him. We’ve never really talked honestly about how he felt about that night. About me. And us together.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did. It was cruel, and not a reflection of how I feel. Carter and I have never been close”, I incline my head in acknowledgement. “But I didn’t mean it. I was scared of losing the only person I’d ever loved”.

“So you tried to drive a wedge between Brandon and I”, Parker finishes. He doesn’t sound mad, but I’m guessing he’s already had this conversation once today.

She nods. “And I wish I could take it back”. Her eyes land on Parker’s hand, which has somehow made its way up the bed to rest on my arm. I’m so used to his touch, I didn’t even notice. “But it looks like you two are, well I wouldn’t want to assume, but more than friends, or at least…”

“Brandon’s my boyfriend”, Parker says. “Right?”

“Right”, I nod, after a second. Boyfriend . “And uh, apology accepted. You nailed it. You’d never know it was your first one”. I pause, “I’m sorry too. We should have used better judgement that night. Me included”.

“Thanks. I appreciate that, truly”, Millie stands, smoothing her coat. “Right. Now I’ve sufficiently embarrassed myself enough for one day, I’d better be going”.

“You can’t. It’s not safe to drive in this”.

“Now who sounds like they’re trying to engineer another ménage?”

“There’s a spare room at the end of the hall. Sleep over tonight”. She hesitates, so I add with a small smile. “For old times sakes”.

She rolls her eyes. “Well, okay. Goodnight, then”, she says. Hesitatingly, she bends and kisses me on the cheek. She nods a goodbye to Parker, then strides towards the door, closing it gently behind her.

“I did not”, I say, after a moment, “Have an apology from Millie St Clare on my bingo card for today”. He smiles, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “Are you still mad at me?”

He shakes his head. Pulls me into him. We sit there for a second, and I can feel the tension drain from my body. I shiver, even though I’m not cold, and he unzips his hoodie and drapes it around me. “Millie and I came here looking for you. Your laptop was open”, Parker says. “I didn’t mean to see anything, but…”

“You saw my emails to my dad?” I feel caught. Exposed. But as he slips his arm around my shoulder, all I want to do is tell him the truth.

“I didn’t read them. But it was clear that your correspondence is kind of one-way”. A pang of guilt rolls in my stomach. “Why won’t your dad talk to you? Is it because… I mean, we’ve never really discussed what it was like for you at home after you came out”.

“He was totally cool with me being gay. It would be so much easier if he wasn’t”. My abdomen contracts and relaxes with every word. “Parker, my dad and I haven’t spoken in over two years. Not once”.

Parker’s jaw drops. “How is that even possible?”

“He found out that my mother was having an affair with his best friend”. This is it. The moment he finds out who I really am. “And that I helped cover it up”.

“Wait, what?” Parker’s face screws up, like it used to in math class. “Start from the beginning”.

“I came home early for Christmas in freshman year. My dad was at a conference, and my mother was meant to be promoting some holiday movie she had a cameo in. I had no idea she was even home. I walked in on her with Andrew”. I mentally wince at the memory. “She denied it but it was pretty obvious what was going on”.

“Andrew”, Parker rolls the name around, “Why does that ring a bell?”

“He’s my godfather. Best friends with my dad since college”. My teeth graze my lips. “He swore blind it was a mistake”.

“And your mom?”

“She said that adult relationships were complicated, but that she still loved my dad. And that if I told him, he’d be so hurt that he’d file for divorce”, I swallow. “I know how much my dad loves my mom. How much her affairs nearly destroyed him the first time”.

“So you kept her secret?” There’s no judgement in Parker’s tone, which makes me feel worse. “You never told him?”

“I never told anyone. But it didn’t matter”. My tone hardens. “My mother’s a better actress than she gets credit for. She was just playing for time. She’d planned on leaving him for years. She’d signed a book deal where she was going to reveal all these so-called secrets about her marriage to re-launch her career”.

“She was going to admit to it all?” Parker winces. “In print?”

“A version of it. She’d re-written it to make it sound like I was completely on her side; that it was me and her versus my dad. She’d cast him as this cold-hearted politician who only cared about his own image, and she was this innocent, artistic figure, trapped in an ivory tower”.

“It sounds like it would have been a really, really crappy movie”, Parker says. I can’t look at him. “Brandon. It’s okay. You didn’t want your family to break up”.

“My dad’s staff got wind of the tell-all and managed to get a draft copy to him. He read in black and white how she’d been trapped in a marriage so miserable that even her son covered up her true love affair. All bullshit. But it didn’t matter. He was completely heartbroken”.

Parker shifts closer to me. “My dad got the deal killed. He either paid her off, or paid off the publishers. One of the many reasons she basically moved to Europe and only comes back to meet some of her wifely political obligations”.

“How bad was it?” Parker asks, “Did you ever read it?”

“We went away together, on what was supposed to be a father-son trip, right after my mom took off for Europe”, I remember. “He worked all day. Drank all night. Barely spoke to me. One night, we had it out. And he said, very clearly, that I had made my choice by siding with my mom, and that was that. He showed me some of the things she’d written. I flew home early, and we’ve not spoken since”.

“What kind of things? Things about you?”

“Like how having me had ruined her career as an actress”. There’s no reason for this to still hurt. I’ve always known, deep down. “And that she’d never really wanted children, but my dad had forced her into keeping me”.

His hand grips mine. “They’re going to remain pretend-married until he leaves office. He’s promoting a book of his own now. God knows what it’ll say, but it’s not going to be good”.

“He’s not going to come after you”, Parker’s eyes widen. “Brandon, you’re his kid”.

“I don’t think he sees it that way anymore. My mom spends most of her time overseas, and my dad’s mostly in Washington”. And I’m by myself .

“Did you ever, I mean, haven’t you confronted them about it?”

“Only about a million times”. I smile grimly, remembering the scene that played out two Thanksgivings ago. “My dad doesn’t believe that I didn’t know about it and chose my mom’s side, and he hates my mom for cheating on him. My mom resents me for being born. None of us have exchanged a word in private for months”.

“None of that’s your fault”.

“It doesn’t change anything. I still feel guilty. I was this thing that forced them to be together when they didn’t want to be”.

“I’m still not seeing how it’s your fault”. Parker’s voice is so gentle that I want to cry.

“I never really had a relationship with my mom. But I miss my dad. It’s only a matter of time before it all comes out. And when it does, everyone will know what I did. If I'm not a member of the Carter family, my entire value boils down to the ability to kick a soccer ball”, I force a smile. “And even that’s gone to hell”.

“That’s why you’re killing yourself to get back on the pitch?” Parker says, his tone unreadable, “So you’ll have value ? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your ability to kick a soccer ball isn’t actually your most attractive quality”, Parker’s lip twitches. “Honestly. Soccer is completely overrated”.

“You are aware you literally work at a soccer institution”. I pause, a desperate truth hovering on my lips. “People walk away from me, Parker. My mother. My father. The team”.

“Me?”

“Technically, I walked away from you”.

“I want you to hear me when I say this”. Parker presses his face against mine, suddenly very stern. “I’ve made a million mistakes in my life. I’ve made catastrophic fuck-ups into an actual art form. Of all the screw ups I ever made, the worst thing I ever did was not chasing you down three years ago”.

“ That’ s your worst mistake? What about the time you burned down—“

He elbows me gently. “Listen Carter, I might not say this enough, but you’re big hearted. Funny. People like being around you because you make them feel good. Your theories are bonkers in a hilarious kind of way and your coffee order should be studied by scientists. But if you think I didn’t think about you every single day when we were apart, you’re completely fucking crazy”.

There are so many reasons for Parker not to be with me.There are a million women out there that would fall at his feet. Give him a nice, uncomplicated and satisfying life. “Here was me thinking you were with me for my body”.

“An added bonus. Tell me that you hear me”.

“I hear you”.

“And that you believe me”.

“I believe you”.

“Before I forget”.Parker hops off the bed and retrieves a small package wrapped in tissue paper from his jacket. “You’d better unwrap this. Lower your expectations”, Parker looks embarrassed. “It’s a very early birthday present”.

It comes apart in my hands. It’s a toy trophy. I squint at the sticker plastered to the stand, in Parker’s handwriting. My heart swells. ‘ Special Contribution to Entering without Breaking ’.

I can’t speak. It’s the most personal present anyone’s ever given me. I can feel Di Rossi’s eyes on me. Do not cry . Do not. “I love it”, I say thickly.

“Full disclosure, I swiped it from the store room when I went looking for you. Might as well add petty theft to my list of crimes”. He pulls me into the kind of kiss where I feel like I’m falling off a cliff. When we break apart, he doesn’t let go, and for once, I don’t make him. “It’s midnight”.

“You’d better get going”, I say, forcing brightness into my tone. “Before Will and Archie wonder where you are”.

“You’re kidding, right? With a storm like that outside?” Parker kicks off his shoes, and pulls his shirt over his head. “Don’t just lie there, Carter. Budge over. I like the left side”.

An uncontrollable smile stretches across my face. “You’re sleeping over?”

“Obviously”. He flicks off the light and climbs into bed, pulling me close. “Where else would I be going?”

As he settles down, I slide my phone out of my sleeve, and slip a quick message to Millie: We both want what’s best for Parker. Talk to your friend.

I drape an arm around him as his chin finds a home between my neck and shoulder. His head is warm and heavy.

We lie together for a moment, his breathing slowly syncing with mine. My eyelids succumb to the heaviness, drifting to a close. I don’t know how long I’m asleep for, but when I wake up, it’s dark outside.

“Do you remember at the Rosebud”, Parker says tentatively, in the darkness, “When you said that I never got scared?”

I incline my head, as the next part comes out in a rush. “I do get scared sometimes. I was terrified today”.

A wave of guilt runs through me. “I need”, he says, with effort, “For you to not die on me. Ever. Because I wouldn’t recover. If you left me. If something happened to you. I’d never get over it”.

“I’m not going anywhere”, I emphasise every word, “If the apocalypse comes, all that’ll be left is you, me and ideally, some decent junk food and a soccer ball”.

He doesn’t laugh. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart”, I take his finger in my hand and trace it across my chest. “Hope to never die”.

He pulls me closer. Seconds pass.I’m almost asleep when he murmurs into my ear. “Did you know there’s a whole part of the city we haven’t explored yet? We should go. Tomorrow”.

“It’s a date”. I whisper back, dreamily.

“I thought you’d never ask”, he says, “Tomorrow, I’m taking my boyfriend out. On a date”.