Page 96 of His Illegitimate Duchess

Colin leaned back in his armchair and looked up at the ceiling. He seemed to be considering something.

“Some time ago, I considered what I could and should do to atone for my sins against the most important person in my life,” he said, and Elizabeth’s skin seemed to know something her mind didn’t, for she was suddenly covered in goose-flesh.

“And while I realised I could never give her back what I had taken from her, I so desperately wanted to give her something. ”

Elinor leaned forward in her seat, listening as intently as Lizzie.

“If you know my wife, and I dare say that you know her very well,” he said with a smile, “you are aware that she cares very little for jewellery and horses, or this,” he waved his hand around the room.

“But I remembered that she used to have a dream a long time ago, a dream of a new beginning, somewhere far away, where no one knew her.”

Lizzie gasped. She couldn’t help herself. Colin nodded.

“Right before my duel, I made arrangements to secure a passage for her and another guest,” he said, the implication clear, “to America. After the duel was behind me, I decided I would be the one to accompany her. And today, I’ve managed to secure one more cabin on the ship, if you’d like to join us.

You don’t have to decide right now,” he said when Elinor opened her mouth.

“Take a few days, think about what you would be leaving and what you would be gaining. The ship will be leaving in six weeks. I also need to have a conversation with my wife, and we need to think about how to help your father’s other children. ”

He stood and looked at Elizabeth, “I shall wait for you in the carriage.”

As he bowed to Elinor, she spoke for the first time since she’d entered the room.

“Thank you,” she said in a hoarse voice.

*

“How is she?” Colin asked Elizabeth when she joined him in the carriage around twenty minutes later.

“You’ve given her a reason to live, Colin,” Elizabeth said tearfully, and he was clearly made uncomfortable by the idea.

“I did it because she matters to you,” he admitted. “Although it also feels nice to, as Cooper says, influence the scales a bit.”

“Would the German fellow approve?” Lizzie asked impishly, and Colin smiled so widely that she could see the gap between his front teeth.

“Not fully, I’m afraid.”

“Thank you, regardless of the reason.”

“You’re most welcome, wife,” Colin said as he took her gloveless hand and kissed it.

“When were you going to tell me about our voyage?” She asked after a while.

He never looked away from the window. “I don’t know. I was hoping a situation would arise that would allow me to bring it up more… spontaneously.”

“Well, you got your wish,” Lizzie said with a shake of her head.

“Not really,” he raised an eyebrow at her. “Admit it, this is a rather sudden and unsettling way to learn of my plan.”

Elizabeth thought about it. “Yes, but more so because of Elinor’s predicament, I think.”

“Either way, like I told your friend, take some time to consider it, ask any questions you may have, talk it over with others, and then tell me what you would like us to do.”

“I will. Thank you,” Lizzie said with a small smile.

They were both silent for a while, then she spoke again. “Poor Elinor. This whole situation made me think of your mother’s marriage.”

Colin’s head jerked towards her. “Not your own?”

“Excuse me?” She widened her eyes.

“I just thought… I imagined you would be reminded of what I’d done to you.”

“I’m not! It isn’t…” Elizabeth took a deep breath. “It wasn’t like this with us. Yes, I was angry at you for what you said about me, and we weren’t friends any more, and I was engaged to someone else…”

Colin interrupted her. “The more you talk, the worse I seem.”

Lizzie was starting to become frustrated. “But you weren’t some cruel, unknown man. I don’t know. I cannot articulate my thoughts very well right now, too much has happened.”

“We can talk more one night after dinner, in the library?” He suggested in a hopeful voice.

“I’d like that.”

*

When they entered the Mayfair house, only Jane was there to greet them. Everyone else was already at Norwich with Mary and Robert.

Elizabeth briefly considered the idea of leaving all of them and going to America with Colin and Elinor. It seemed like thinking of a book she’d read, not a real thing that was happening to her.

“Welcome home, Your Grace,” Jane told the Duke.

“Hello, Jane, how’s your knee?”

“Better now,” she replied, “Doctor Cooper’s pomade really helped.”

Lizzie looked between the two of them incredulously. When did this happen?

“Since your maid is away, Stevenson agreed to help with maintaining certain parts of your wardrobe until we find a replacement,” Colin told her.

“I hadn’t even thought about that, thank you.”

“I shall send him to your dressing room once I’m done with my bath.”

“I appreciate your help,” she told Stevenson later as she showed him the parts of her wardrobe he would be responsible for. “And I apologise for the additional work.”

“It is no problem, ma’am,” Stevenson replied stoically.

Elizabeth wondered whether he would be moving to America with them.

Does he have a family that would miss him? Is he someone’s Thomas?

“Do your people still live in Norwich?” She asked him.

“Yes. My mother and two sisters,” he told her.

“Are they married, your sisters?”

“Yes, they have five children between the two of them. All of them boys. They are awfully clever, my nephews, and good at school.”

“I thought there was no school in the village?” Lizzie said.

“There isn’t. I pay their fees at a boarding school that the Duke helped enrol them in,” Stevenson said with unmistakable pride.

Elizabeth was moved to tears by his generosity and care for his family.

“You sound like a wonderful uncle, I imagine they love you very much,” she said softly, and Stevenson pretended to look at the hem of her pelisse until he was composed enough to reply with a simple thanks.

They worked in companionable silence after that, but Elizabeth’s mind wouldn't stop buzzing. She tried forcing herself to focus on hems or buttons or the feel of material in hand, but there were simply too many knots to untie: Elinor, America, Colin…

She called on Elinor again the next day and was pleasantly surprised by her improved countenance.

Elizabeth wisely decided to keep the conversation away from Elinor’s problems, and instead told her about her new nephew, her improved relationship with Nicholas, the state of Charlotte’s marriage, and how she had finally forgiven Colin.

“I cannot believe it,” Elinor said after they’d been conversing for a while. “We shall be living in America, like we both dreamed of.”

Elizabeth didn’t want to spoil her friend’s newfound joy, but the thought of moving to America no longer evoked a feeling of lightness inside her.

“It still feels unreal,” she said non-committally.

“I admit I shall miss everyone,” Elinor sighed. “How long does it take for a letter to reach America? I must know the latest gossip!”

Lizzie laughed. “I’m certain there is more than enough gossip in America.”

“I’m too invested in your sister’s story to care about anything else,” Elinor said, then hesitated briefly. “Is she right?”

“Who? Charlotte?” Lizzie asked with a frown, and Elinor nodded shyly.

Understanding dawned on Elizabeth’s face.

“Ah. How do I say this delicately?” She said and looked up at the ceiling. “I can only speak for myself, but as always, one should consider that all people are different. For me, marriage and its accompaniments have been… wonderful. And let’s leave it at that for now,” she said awkwardly.

Elinor looked relieved. “What do you think makes it different for other women?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. Is it the man? Is it the woman? Is it how they feel about each other? Who can say? But that extends to almost everything in life, not just… the marital bed, as my aunt Isolde says. Look at Colin’s mother and how her life was ruined by her forced marriage.

Meanwhile, one could say the same thing happened to me, but with quite different results. ”

“But you and Duke Talbot are different,” Elinor interjected.

“That’s what I’m saying, everything is different for everyone.”

“Hm,” Elinor hummed thoughtfully. “How’s Mary?”

“She’s about ready to give up,” Lizzie laughed. “Her mother says it’s most likely going to take another month until she is brought to bed, but all Mary writes about is how she is ready any day now. Working on establishing the Foundling wing at the estate keeps her mind occupied, though.”

“That is such a noble thing you and the Duke are doing,” Elinor said. “How will you manage to leave it all?”

Lizzie looked away, but Elinor took her hand.

“Elizabeth, if you don’t think your lack of enthusiasm is apparent to me, one of your closest friends, then you’re even less perceptive than I am,” she said with an encouraging smile, and Lizzie exhaled.

“It still isn’t clear to me how I feel about all this.

On one hand, yes, I detest the Ton and I would love a fresh start far away from it, but lately…

I’m not even concerned with it. I go to the events that I feel like going to, I spend time with the people I care about, and our charitable work has been fulfilling in a way that I never thought possible, for both Colin and I.

Leaving so many in the muck only to make a new life for myself feels… selfish.”

“I’m certain there are many poor people in need of your help in America,” Elinor said lightly.

“I know,” Lizzie said a bit dejectedly.

“Don’t go only because of me!” Elinor exclaimed. “I can think of something, I will…”

“Elinor, listen to me,” Elizabeth said in a determined voice. “Whether I stay or go, you are going, and you are not marrying that man, that I promise you, all right? I just need to talk to Colin to find a solution that works for everyone.”

“All right,” Elinor said, but Lizzie could see that her earlier good mood was gone, and she cursed herself silently.

That night in the library, both Talbots were waiting for the other one to start talking.

“Have you given any more thought to our move?” Colin was the first one to finally say something.

“I have,” Lizzie said with a nod.

“And?” He prompted when she said nothing else.

“Well, the coronation is in a few months. Are you certain it will be all right if you miss it?”

“I don’t know how the monarch shall survive my absence,” he said jokingly.

“Colin,” Elizabeth said almost imploringly. “You hate America.”

He lifted both eyebrows. “I love you more than I hate America. And I want you to have the fresh start you always wanted.”

“Mary is having her baby soon,” she said evasively.

He narrowed his eyes. “And? You don’t have to stay for that. She has her husband and her parents. And I hear her brother will be visiting,” he said with disdain.

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to,” she finally admitted.

He was clearly taken aback. “So, you don’t want to move?”

She shook her head.

“But, you always…” He broke off, clearly at a loss.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologising?” He asked her.

“I know that you really wanted to give me this new start, but I assure you that I no longer need it. I now like, even love, my life. And I finally like myself enough not to worry about what other people think.”

“Are you certain?” Colin asked in a strangled voice.

“I am,” she said with a smile, and they embraced. “I don’t know what to do about Elinor, though,” she admitted when they let go of each other.

“I might have some ideas,” Colin said.

Four weeks later, the Talbots and Elinor had just finished their appointment at the Bank of England (where the spouses had joined forces and finances in setting up a very generous fund for their friend), and were waiting for Lady Burnham to join them so they could go to Bond Street in search of some last-minute items the two women might need on their voyage.

Talbot, inspired by his conversation with Lady Burnham around Christmas, had suggested that she be the one to accompany Elinor to America, and the idea was met with more enthusiasm than anyone could have predicted.

Not only was the older woman looking forward to finally curing her restlessness, but chaperoning the motherless Elinor during this new chapter of her life would also serve as an outlet for all the maternal guidance and instinct to comfort that her son’s passing had left unused inside her.

As sad as Elizabeth was to put the distance between herself and two of her closest friends, she had to admit that the two of them were a match made in heaven.

Afterwards, they wanted to drive Elinor and Lady Burnham to Talbot’s townhouse, then drive to their Mayfair house to pack for the journey to Norwich.

Mary was at the very end of her pregnancy, the Brandons (with William and Mary’s assistance) had almost finished preparing the new building for the foundling babies and local wet nurses, and Colin had no obligations in London (except briefly attending the coronation in July) until September, so Elizabeth hoped to have at least five months of bliss in her favourite place in the world.

“Promise to write as often as possible,” Elizabeth urged both of them once more when they were saying goodbye in front of Talbot’s house.

“Don’t worry,” Elinor smiled. “You might even come to regret that request.”

“Never,” Lizzie said fervently as she hugged her friend.

She then turned to Lady Burnham, whose joy and excitement these last few weeks had made her look ten years younger, and hugged her as well.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispered into her hair. “I cannot thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.”

“I needed you as much as you needed me,” Lady Burnham replied tearfully. “I promise to keep in touch.”

The two women thanked Talbot for his role in their voyage, he nonchalantly dismissed any importance or gratitude directed his way, and they went into the house.

Colin and Lizzie remained on the sidewalk for a while.

“We still can join them, you know,” he told his wife when he noticed that she was wiping her eyes.

“No, we made the right decision,” she sniffled. “That doesn’t mean I’m not sad, though. I’m going to miss them.”

“Did you ever consider visiting them once they’re settled?” He proposed, and Lizzie’s head jerked towards him.

“Could we?”

“Of course,” he shrugged.

“I think I was just so focused on how much you dislike travel that it never crossed my mind.”

“A man can change,” Colin said gravely, and Lizzie nodded.

As he was about to help her into the carriage, a raspy voice called out from the other side of the street, “Talbot!”

They both turned towards the caller, who turned out to be a kind-looking, cheerful older woman, and Talbot gave her one of his deep bows, the ones reserved for important people.

“Hello, Hettie.”