Page 42

“When I went to school the next day, people whispered in the hallways about my busted lip and black eye. I didn’t tell anyone what happened, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.

I went through the day on autopilot.” Elliott rests a hand on my leg, letting her thumb rub over the fabric of my dress pants in a small, gentle circle.

“I felt like everything I was, everything I worked so hard to hide, was unraveling. I didn’t know what to do.

I skipped my last class of the day and went to the locker rooms to head towards the football gym.

I beat the punching bag we had until my knuckles split open.

By the time I stopped, I couldn’t tell if it was sweat or tears that covered my face.

When I looked up, Kameron was sitting on the bench, his head lowered like he was waiting for his turn.

I immediately got angry seeing him there.

It was his fault for tempting me. Him and Marcus. ”

I take a sip of wine, letting myself take a deep breath, “I went up to him and pulled him from the bench, punched him right in the gut as I screamed it was his fault, over and over again. He saw right through me. I don’t know how, but he did.

He just wrapped his arms around me, stopping my punches and I broke down in his arms. We sat on the gym floor in silence for so long that when the doors opened to the gym because our teammates were filing in for practice, I shot up so fast and didn’t even thank him.

I went back to how I treated him, but every autopiloted motion and word tasted bitter.

I hated myself even more for it. Kameron took my torment though.

He didn’t throw me under the bus and call me out to the whole team. ”

“I’m so sorry.” I look at her, watching her fingers trace my free hand and looking where we connected, “That you felt like you couldn’t be you. You must have felt so trapped in your own skin. I know what that feels like, to feel like you have to live up to a standard that was never meant for you.”

Fuck, she cared how I felt.

Or was that just a common thing, to feel empathy for others?

Did it mean more?

I squeezed her hand, “It was rough and as much as I tried, Kameron kept inching his way into my life. I didn’t know how to stop it because in all honesty, I really didn’t want to.

I didn’t fully let him in until after my father died.

He was driving home one night from a work dinner and crashed his car.

The police said he had triple the legal limit of alcohol when they tested his blood.

My mother was hysterical, she loved him.

I didn’t understand why…but I can still hear the cry she let out when the police showed up at our door that night.

” The memory erupts and shivers run down my spine.

My mother was more than heartbroken, she was distraught.

“After that, my mom fell into a pit of depression. She wouldn’t eat or sleep, she would just sit in his office in his big cushioned desk chair and stare out the window.

I would make sure breakfast was on his desk for her every morning before I had to go to school and when I would get home she would be in the same spot, food untouched, and I would repeat the motions for dinner. ”

“Kameron was the first person to actually ask me how I was doing. I don’t know why but in that moment, I caved.

I let go of everything. After that, it was the three of us.

My old friends looked at me like I was rebelling because of the loss, but they didn’t know me.

Not really. When I started to bring Marcus and Kameron to the house to hang out, my mother still wasn’t okay.

But rather than feel uncomfortable or ignore the issue, they made my mother feel seen.

They would say hi, give her positive words, say their goodbyes and thanks.

I think they helped her feel somewhat normal again.

They started to come around more and more and my mother started to want them around.

She began to look forward to their visits and the house being full of life, and she saw for the first time that I could be myself.

I felt like I could breathe again.” I pause.

“I should have mourned my father more, I see that now that I’m older, but I also know it wouldn’t have changed anything. ”

Elliott scoots closer to me on the sofa, “Grief isn’t a linear path, everyone experiences it differently.”

“I just hope my mom knows that I felt the loss too.” My voice cracks as memories of my mother begin to flood me.

“I hope she knows that she was the reason I was able to love myself again and that I was able to find people who loved me. I don’t think I would have had that if he had stayed alive.

Fuck, that is so fucked to say. I’m sorry, Elliott. ”

“Hey,” she places both hands on the sides of my face. “You don’t have to apologize to me.” Her soft palms spread warmth through my cheeks.

“I fell in love with those men long before I ever loved myself.” I don’t think as I scoop her up in a hug. The only way for her to comfortably accommodate this position was to bring her legs around me, straddling me. The sound of her inhale has me squeezing her tighter against me.

“Thank you.” She says in a hushed tone.

I pull away just enough to be face to face, “For what?”

“For telling me such an intimate memory. It helped me understand you more, understand all of you a bit more.”

“You made it easy to tell.” I push a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, letting my knuckles trace down her neck.

You're pushing your luck.

I didn’t care, I had her in my arms. Her eyes dipped to my mouth and back up again.

Fuck, I was playing with fire. I needed air.

But before I could move her off my lap, her full lips crashed onto mine. My brain scrambled to comprehend that she’s actually kissing me. I groan in approval, letting my hands gently grip her hips. With that, I am gifted a soft whimper from her lips and I devour them.

“Ahem–don’t mean to intrude.”

Fuck .

Elliott jumps off of me and scoots to the side of the couch she was sitting on earlier. Her cheeks are a deep shade of red and her gaze is locked on her knees.

“What is it, Marcus?”

“I need to talk with you.” I raise my brows at him, motioning with my hand to get on with it. “Alone.”