Page 34

“I was expecting your call.” Alice Patmore’s tone over the phone was matter-of-fact.

Noelle grinned as she sat in her vehicle in the sheriff’s department parking lot the next morning, procrastinating about getting her workday started. “I expected that you’d expect it.”

“Sounds like we know each other too well.”

Leaving Alice was one of Noelle’s only regrets about moving away from Sacramento.

Alice had started as a hand-holder during the investigation but then became a friend and eventually her mentor as Noelle pursued a career in law enforcement.

Several times Alice had suggested that Noelle apply to the FBI.

When she stopped mentioning it a few years ago, Noelle thought Alice had finally given up but soon realized she’d passed the agency’s age requirement.

Noelle was too old.

Ouch.

Noelle had flown back to Sacramento for Alice’s retirement party three years ago, where she’d been surprised to meet Chuck, Alice’s new boyfriend, who sold antiques.

He was quiet, and adoration for Alice shone in his eyes.

Noelle liked him immediately. Alice pulled Noelle aside and apologized for not ever mentioning him to her.

“I wanted to know if it was going anywhere before I told people.”

“You’re living together,” Noelle had said dryly. “Sounds like it went somewhere.” To Noelle’s delight, the comment made Alice blush.

They stayed in touch, but phone calls had mostly become texts, and the texts were often alpaca pictures. Alice had a white one named Noelle who she claimed was very bossy.

Noelle enjoyed updates about her namesake.

“What can you tell me about Agents Rhodes and Keaton?” Noelle asked. “Did you know they were coming here to hold interviews?”

“I did,” said Alice. “But they’d asked me not to tell you, and I respected that.”

Noelle wasn’t pleased but she understood. “They blindsided me. Lured me in under false pretenses.”

“I’m sorry about that too, but they have good reputations here in Sacramento. I knew you could handle anything they threw at you.”

“I think I did pretty well,” Noelle admitted. “I was definitely pissed at first.”

“I’m sure you were.” Alice chuckled. “When I spoke to them, they pushed and pulled at me, and I gave it right back. I thought they were decent interviewers, although a bit transparent. Seemed smart and determined.”

“They plan to interview my family too,” said Noelle. “Do they have an angle? Are they looking for something specific?”

“I think they’re just digging around to see what they can stir up. I didn’t pick up on an angle, and there haven’t been any recent local rumors about the case. I don’t think anything in particular triggered this deep review.”

“It almost feels like harassment after this many years. The only equipment they didn’t use during our conversation was a spotlight.”

“You okay?”

Noelle took stock of her emotions. She was calm, although a touch worried about her sisters’ experiences with the agents. “I had nothing new to tell them. I’m fine.”

“Still having dreams?”

“You have to ask?” Noelle and Alice both knew she’d probably have them for the rest of her life. “The dreams had eased up for several months, but last night they decided to pay me a visit. No doubt a result of the interview.”

“Elephants still?”

“Always.” Noelle snorted. “Always the fucking elephants. They’re everywhere in my dreams. Doesn’t matter where I am during the dream.

Even when I dream, I’m in my car or in a restaurant and there’s always one in the background somewhere.

It’s not fair that I had to live in a house of elephants for years and then they decided to reside in my dreams for more than a decade. ”

“I think it’s understandable that they plague you. They were Derrick’s and represented him. I think that your old therapist was right that you need to talk about them as much as possible to purge them.”

“I had actually liked the elephant that ... that ... was found next to Derrick.” Noelle didn’t need to state that the killer had bashed in Derrick’s face with the iron elephant.

She had seen the crime scene photos. Back then Alice had kindly edited out all views of Derrick’s face, not wanting to traumatize her, but Noelle’s imagination had supplied plenty of images.

After she’d made detective, she’d looked up the case and forced herself to view the unedited photos. Her imagination hadn’t been far off.

“One time I knocked over that iron elephant, and Derrick yelled at me because it’d dented the wood floor,” said Noelle. “I remember snatching it back up and being relieved that it wasn’t damaged. Not because breaking the elephant would have made Derrick furious, but because I sort of liked it.”

“That was a dream?”

Noelle’s lips quirked at Alice’s dry tone. “No, that really happened.” For a year the floor dent had reminded her of the incident every time she’d walked past, and even today she could still feel the dread as she saw it fall and then clutched the heavy piece in her hands.

Thanks, Derrick.

“Nothing wrong with your memory.”

“I wish.” Noelle sighed. “Last night I dreamed that we were late for an event because I couldn’t find my shoes. I was in an absolute panic, tearing through the house and digging through closets while Derrick shouted at me in the background.”

“Did you find your shoes?”

Noelle chortled. “No. My alarm went off and I woke, relieved that it was over, but I swear I still heard faint echoes of his shouts in the room.”

“Was that dream from a real event?”

“No. But it was an amalgamation of a dozen similar incidents.”

“You suffered a lot of emotional abuse during your marriage,” Alice said gently. “It can take years to fully rid it from your system. But you’re one of the strongest people I know.”

A huge ache filling her chest, Noelle suddenly missed her mother. She’d been thirteen when her mother died, still a child.

But she still remembered the verbal abuse her mother had suffered from Noelle’s often absent father.

Why didn’t I learn from that?

“I went from one mistake to another,” Noelle murmured into the phone, aware Alice knew she was talking about both her marriages. “How could I not see the truth in Derrick? He only cared about himself. Why did I go along with that? I’m not a stupid person.”

“Have you done anything stupid lately?” asked Alice.

Noelle went silent, abruptly remembering when she shot and killed a murderer last year.

Justified. Not stupid.

But that haunts me too.

“You were young,” Alice continued. “You followed your heart both times.”

“I did.”

“Maybe you need to talk to someone again,” Alice said gently.

“Someone” meant a therapist. Noelle had seen one for years after Derrick died and then again for several months after last year’s shooting, but lately she’d simply powered through.

“Why would I talk to a therapist when I have you?” Noelle joked lamely.

“You’ve been in Oregon for years,” said Alice. “Surely there’s someone physically closer than me to talk to by now. And I don’t mean a therapist. I mean friends.”

Noelle thought back to her conversation with Mercy last night. She hadn’t opened up like that to anyone outside of therapy since she’d moved to Oregon.

“Yeah, maybe there is someone,” Noelle said gruffly, a lump in her throat. “She’s FBI.”

“I like her already.”

Noelle ended the call after a few minutes, promising to keep Alice updated about the agents in town. Afterward she sat for a long moment in her car, thinking about the life she’d built in Bend.

She had a lovely home. She had a collection of amazing shoes. Her family was close by. Her coworkers were smart and capable and friendly.

Her life didn’t suck. But she was a bit of a loner.

Alice and Savannah were her closest female friends. But both lived in a different state.

It wasn’t just men that Noelle had kept at arm’s length. She’d avoided letting women in too. She’d known Mercy for quite a while but had never suggested doing anything outside of work until yesterday. And their time together had been great.

Another possibility was Rowan Wolff, who had expressed interest in going hiking or out for drinks. The SAR dog handler was engaged to Detective Evan Bolton, whom Noelle liked working with very much. Spending some time with Rowan could be nice.

Maybe it’s time I reach out a bit.

Noelle had played it safe for a long time. She’d believed that if she didn’t let anyone get close to her, she’d never be hurt. But now she felt a little empty.

It always felt good to talk to Alice, who knew her inside and out. She needed more people in her life like that. But she was rusty at making friends.

Trust was a barrier.

Take some risks.