Page 22

Two years before Derrick Bell’s murder

Derrick won his election in a landslide, taking out a two-term incumbent.

Noelle had danced and celebrated with two hundred of their closest friends for hours.

They’d done it.

And she had mistakenly thought their life would change.

It didn’t. Derrick’s new position swallowed all his time, leaving fewer hours than before for them to be together.

Noelle found herself communicating more often with Derrick’s assistant, Jon, than with her husband.

Jon controlled Derrick’s schedule, so texting him got her firm answers; texting Derrick got her more questions.

Miranda was hired on as part of Derrick’s permanent staff, along with Eve’s fiancé, Adam.

Noelle found herself questioning the word permanent as a description of staff.

An assemblyman’s term was two years—definitely not permanent.

Six months into Derrick’s first term, she started to wish it would be his only one.

She couldn’t imagine going through another election, although Derrick frequently talked about it.

And election plans were already being made.

She missed her husband. The political and social events for which he required her at his side felt awkward and fake. She suggested weekend trips to Wine Country, the coast, and Las Vegas, hoping to rekindle the excitement of the time they’d dated. He brushed aside her suggestions. “No time.”

Instead, he suggested she get pregnant.

Getting her pregnant was something he had time for.

She’d agreed, but after two months of trying, she secretly went back on her birth control, feeling guilty that she didn’t have the guts to tell him that she wasn’t ready. He frequently spoke of having children, wanting a boy and a girl, describing how they would be the perfect all-American family.

Noelle’s understanding of his dream’s subtext was that it was her responsibility to deliver that family while he served the people of Northern California. Besides, she didn’t have to deal with a job anymore, he’d said. She had lots of empty hours, so now was the perfect time.

Deep down she knew she wasn’t ready to be locked into that role.

Not yet. She loved Lora’s twin boys but saw how much time and energy they took.

It was true she had many empty hours during the day, but Noelle was still actively involved in Lucia’s life, guiding the girl through her teenage years.

Not to mention her grandfather and great-aunt were slowing down.

Noelle wanted to be available for them. Keeping an eye on her extended family was enough responsibility for Noelle.

She did the best she could. Noelle kept her chin up and always had a smile ready for Derrick when he did make it home from work before she fell asleep.

They’d moved into the giant home outside of town, and Derrick had fully taken over the condo, using it as an informal second office in the city.

She felt a bit isolated in the big home.

Derrick’s parents were just a few miles away, but her side of the family was much farther.

Neighbors kept to themselves out in the country.

She’d met the people on each side of the home, but other than including a wave now and then, there was no depth to their acquaintance.

Derrick had told her to do whatever she wanted with the house yet pointed out all the things he wanted changed.

She liked the old-fashioned, almost historic feel of the home, but he wanted it updated into a modern style that she felt clashed with the home’s exterior.

She worked with a designer, and the two of them revised the remodeling plans a dozen times.

Derrick kept vetoing their suggestions and then would turn his attention to his work.

She finally realized he wasn’t paying attention to the actual changes in the plans and stopped asking his opinion.

She moved his cabinets of baseball cards, antique guns, and cigar boxes into his office, where they were out of her sight.

He’d wanted his collections in his home instead of the condo.

He insisted on displaying his elephants and added them to the shelves in the living room and the entryway.

She let it go and decided to accept the elephants, patting the head of a large iron one every time she walked by.

The designer found a few elephant prints that Noelle didn’t hate, and Derrick was pleased when he spotted them in the formal living room.

The end result was one that suited her and did justice to the home, and he barely noticed—except for the elephant prints—apparently forgetting what he’d insisted on for kitchen style and the home’s flooring and ceiling treatments.

A few months before their wedding, he’d surprised her with a new car.

He’d led her to the driveway, excitement on his face.

Parked in front of the home was a dark-green Jaguar coupe.

It even had a big bow on the hood. Noelle had stared at the car, struggling to believe that he’d bought such an expensive gift.

“Now you won’t have to drive that ancient heap anymore,” he said with glee.

She was instantly offended; she loved her old Explorer.

The 4WD could take her anywhere and haul almost anything she bought.

It’d been her first major purchase after she started the posh bartending job.

It hadn’t mattered to her that it had more than a hundred thousand miles on it when she bought it. It’d been reliable, and she’d loved it.

“That’s for me?” she’d asked hesitantly, trying to pull together an acceptable reaction to the extravagant purchase.

“Of course! My wife has to look good on the road.”

Still stunned, she’d walked up to the car and opened the driver’s door. The brown interior didn’t appeal to her at all. The green wasn’t a color she would have ever chosen, and the car was so low to the ground, she suspected she’d be stuck at home when the weather turned bad.

She liked four-wheel drive; it was reassuring.

“It’s a beautiful car,” she’d said, turning to him. “You didn’t have to do this.”

His face lit up, and he pulled her tight. “You deserve it.”

Locked in his hug, she’d looked over his shoulder at her dusty black Ford, a small pang of sadness touching her heart. It looked decrepit next to the shiny Jaguar.

It’s just a vehicle. Get over it. Your man just bought you an amazing gift.

“I can’t believe you did this,” she’d said. “How did I end up with someone like you?”

“That’s just the beginning,” he’d promised.

She stood in the new kitchen and breathed deep, smelling fresh paint from the remodel that had taken up eight months of her life.

But she loved the result. She checked the pasta on her new range and decided to give it another minute.

She glanced at the time. Derrick should have been home ten minutes ago, as he’d promised.

Noelle sighed, unsurprised but still let down.

I’m watching pasta boil.

The equivalent of watching paint dry.

Now that the remodel was finished, she wondered what to do with her time and considered Derrick’s pregnancy suggestion again. She shook her head, still staring at the boiling pot. “No,” she stated out loud.

I’d be a single mom.

She confirmed her decision to not tell him about the birth control. It’d simply create an argument that she’d like to avoid. And she couldn’t handle his disappointment in her. Again.

Last week, she’d booked a dinner reservation for one evening because Derrick had promised he’d be done early with work.

During a call on his way home, she mentioned the reservation, hoping he’d be pleased that she’d scheduled some time for them, which had been missing of late. Instead, she’d been met with silence.

“Noelle.”

She’d cringed, recognizing his cool tone, the one he used when displeased.

“You know what today is. I can’t believe you’d think I’d want to celebrate.”

Her brain had shot into overdrive, trying to recall what was special about the day.

She’d checked his calendar twice with Jon; nothing had been planned.

“I’m sorry,” she’d told him. “I forgot. Are you sure you don’t want to do dinner?

It doesn’t have to be a celebration, just some quiet time together. ”

He’d gone silent, the sounds of traffic coming through the call.

“Absolutely not,” he’d finally said. “Once again you aren’t taking my feelings into consideration at all.”

Fuck. What is today?

“I didn’t mean to do that,” she’d said as she checked the same date in her calendar for the past two years and then the date in her photos, searching for some indication of what he was talking about. She’d found nothing. “It was an accident. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Obviously. You know how much I loved my grandfather.”

His grandfather?

She’d Googled his grandfather and learned he’d died on this date eleven years ago.

Faintly she recalled Derrick mentioning it .

.. probably on the same date last year.

“I know you miss him,” she’d said, shaking her head.

This wasn’t the first time he’d expected her to recall every bit of information he’d ever mentioned to her.

In fact, she’d disappointed him at least a half dozen times in the last few months by forgetting things.

She’d added his grandfather’s death to her calendar so it’d turn up each year, and then she’d looked up when his other grandparents had died so she didn’t make the same mistake again.

My memory should be better than this.

She took the pasta from the stove and drained it into the sink, clouds of steam filling the air.

Two minutes later she heard his footsteps on the porch.

She checked her hair in the reflection of the window over the sink.

She still hadn’t returned to the platinum shade she loved.

When they’d received their wedding photos, he’d gushed about how much better it looked, so she continued with the soft blonde.

Derrick came in, loosening his tie and looking very tired. “Hey, babe,” he said as he came up behind her and enveloped her in a big hug. He kissed her neck and looked over her shoulder at the pasta, to which she was carefully adding pecorino cheese and pepper. “That smells incredible.”

“Hungry?” she asked.

“Starving.”

“Good.”

“You take such excellent care of me,” he said with another kiss, this time on her ear. “I love you so much it almost hurts.”

She turned her head to meet his lips.

“You love me the same, right?” he asked, his tone begging to hear the words back.

“I do,” she replied. “It’s painful how much I love you.

” She did love him; she was positive about that.

But she didn’t like the way he always asked her to say it.

There was an insecurity in his constant requests that made her uncomfortable.

It wasn’t as if she didn’t tell him enough; she said it frequently. But he always wanted more.

“Good.” He sounded satisfied, but she knew he’d ask again at bedtime.

He’s working hard. He needs to know that everything is good at home.

She was determined to support him. If it meant constantly telling him how much she loved him, so be it. She mentally kicked herself for resisting. Nothing was wrong with a spouse wanting to hear they were loved.

He reached down and pressed his hand against her lower belly. She knew the question without him posing it. “Nothing yet,” she said, infusing her words with disappointment. “Maybe next month.”

“You always say that.” He stepped back, and her skin missed his heat.

“I’m not sure what else you expect me to say,” she said. “The fact is we won’t know if I’m pregnant for another four weeks.”

“You could at least sound upset,” he said. “I think you don’t want a baby.” His tone was accusatory. “If you truly wanted it, I think it would happen.”

He thinks my thoughts can create a pregnancy?

It wasn’t the first time he’d hinted that it was her fault she wasn’t pregnant.

It was her fault, of course. She’d been on birth control for months.

Each month she took all the pills out of their special holder and added them to the small Midol bottle she kept in her purse.

The bottle contained Midol tablets, but the tiny birth control pills always sank to the bottom.

She’d packed her purse with several feminine hygiene products because she’d learned early in their relationship that their presence kept Derrick from looking for anything in her purse.

One time she’d asked him to get a pen out of her purse, and he’d nearly dropped the bag when faced with several tampons.

He’d immediately thrust it at her to find the pen.

I need a different hiding spot.

She worried he’d grow suspicious enough to overcome his fear of tampons.

Noelle turned to him and smiled, trying to erase the frown on his face. “I’ll book an appointment for some tests and see if there’s a physical issue that’s keeping me from getting pregnant.”

“Good idea.” He looked pleased.

She waited, wondering if he’d bring up the possibility of low sperm count and perhaps a test for him.

He didn’t. “My mom suggested last week that you should get tested,” he told her.

Ire shot through Noelle. “That was kind of her.”

“Did you try to get pregnant with your first husband?”

“I was eighteen ! Hell no. And you know the marriage only lasted a couple months.”

“If you were really in love, I think you would have wanted a baby with him.”

Noelle searched his face, speechless.

“Just shows that you love me more, right?” His gaze stated he needed the confirmation again.

“Absolutely.”

He had a deep jealousy of her first marriage and would use a condescending tone when speaking of Brendon.

Noelle never mentioned her ex. They exchanged an occasional text; Brendon always remembered her birthday and would wish her a merry Christmas.

She knew it would be rude to mention him in front of Derrick.

Derrick didn’t think it was rude when he brought up her ex.

He pulled her into a deep hug. “We’re perfect. I know we’ll be together forever.”

“Forever,” Noelle echoed.

She shoved away the growing questions in her head.