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Chapter Five

Axton

“Let’s just get out of here,” I say as I set a hand on the necromancer’s back and guide him toward the remains of the door—aka the giant hole in the wall. He gives me a beaming smile and a nod, and I find that I can’t help but smile back. How could anyone ever possibly dislike this man or think ill of him? Not only does he look like the nicest man, he acts like it.

“Okay!” Sylvan says.

“I’m really sorry for getting you caught up in this. I thought I was just going to have you get a few words from the dead guy and go on our merry way,” I tell him.

“That’s okay! I was really bored and about to wash away my sorrows in kittens,” he admits.

“What happened?”

Sylvan looks a bit embarrassed as I usher him out onto the porch. “Just… people thinking I’m weird. I mean… do I look that weird?” He steps in front of Johnny like he thinks he can use his body to shield the giant of a man who is still quite naked while the other man is reaching out to touch my hair. But I pretend like not even that creeps me out.

“Paul, stop! People don’t like you petting them! We’ve been over this!” he orders.

“I was simply seeing if I liked his skin,” he says, which… was that supposed to make me feel better?

“Paul sold cosmetics when he was alive. I know he makes his skin care sound creepier than it is. But he really does know his stuff. Like… look at my face,” Sylvan says as he waves to it.

“It is a pretty nice face,” I agree, and he blushes. If I weren’t currently in the process of being hunted, I would see if he had plans for dinner. At this rate… I’m not even sure if I’ll be alive for dinner.

“Since your car is ruined… let’s take the police car. But first we need a key,” Sylvan says, looking far too excited as he waves his minions toward the frozen police officers. Without missing a beat, they start patting them down as they hunt for keys. Johnny is too vigorous and knocks an officer over, but Sylvan just keeps smiling like he didn’t notice at all.

“FOUND THEM!” Paul declares before throwing them. His throw is so bad that he pelts my assistant Ricky right in the face.

“Fuck!” Ricky blurts out as he stumbles back from his petrified position and looks me right in the eyes. He tries to pretend he’s still petrified, but when he sees the expression on my face and the hulking undead, he turns and starts running. “I’m sorry! It wasn’t my idea!”

I can’t believe this. Was Ricky seriously part of this? “You… You were involved in trying to get me killed ? I literally just gave you a two-hundred-dollar gift card as thanks for helping me out!”

“I know and it made me feel really guilty!” he calls as he picks up the pace while I rush toward him.

“Yet you still took it!”

Sylvan catches up to me and sets a hand on my chest. “There’s no need for you to do anything but just sit back and let my people handle this,” he says as I watch Johnny wing the door like a fucking frisbee. It smashes into the back of Ricky and flattens him as the undead laugh like this is the funniest thing they’ve ever seen.

“Well… I guess… that’s… one way to do it,” I say. I don’t even have to rush over to grab Ricky because the necromancer’s crew peels him up off the ground and carries him over to us.

Surrounded by two of the meanest-looking people I’ve ever seen, Ricky cowers. “I swear I had no idea that she was going to toss a body in the front yard, but at that point, I was in too deep,” he whines.

“If you thought you were in too deep before, you don’t want to know how deep you’re in now,” Sylvan says as he holds a hand out. At first, I’m confused until I turn to see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen walking toward us. “She’ll get us answers.”

“Just tell me who has been a bad boy, and I’ll make them talk,” she purrs.

What… is happening?

“Thanks,” Sylvan says with a grin as the stunning woman starts toward Ricky.

“I’ve been meaning to ask… how are all of your undead so… full of life?” I ask.

Sylvan gives me the biggest smile ever. “You noticed? Thank you… Most people only notice that they’re dead. I trained really hard when I was young to restore them when I call them. When I was a child and my father would summon the dead, they often looked like they’d been dead a while, and I didn’t like how they’d get upset when they looked at themselves. So I vowed to make it so they never looked at themselves in disgust.”

How the hell is this “awful man” so sweet?

“Is this a joke?” Ricky asks a moment before the woman steps up to him and leans in. She doesn’t even touch him, she merely whispers something in his ear. Something that makes him turn pale before looking right at me. “I’m so sorry! Danielle did it! It’s her!”

“What the hell did she say to him?” I ask.

“I have no idea! She gets everyone to talk immediately, and no one has ever told me what she says no matter how much I bribe!”

She walks back over to Sylvan and grabs the front of his robes so she can pull him in and squeeze him to her. “That’s because you don’t ever need to know,” she says before kissing his cheek. “You’re too sweet to know.”

“I’m really not! This one time I was at the store using the self-checkout, and I accidentally threw something in the bag without scanning it. I didn’t realize it until I got home but I never took it back and paid for it!” he says.

She pats his head before noticing me. “Oh, hello?”

“Hi?”

“Cupid said we’re soulmates!” Sylvan announces.

Her kind expression immediately plummets as she lets go of him and struts up to me. Even though she’s a shorter woman, about five foot five, she has some presence and I find myself weirdly anxious before realizing that she is a succubus. No wonder she’s able to get people to admit to anything.

“You better be good to my sweetie,” she says.

“I… I will!” I declare. I’m not even sure I know what’s going on at this point.

“Don’t mind her. She’s like a mother hen, always worried about what I’m doing. Sooo, Danielle… as in…”

I deflate a little at that question. “Yep, that seer.”

“ Oh .”

“And my ex-girlfriend.”

“ Ohhhhhhh .”

I grimace.

“To the police car!” he announces without missing a beat. On the way to it, I notice a newcomer hop into the front seat who Sylvan tosses the keys to. “Do you want front or back?”

“Uh… yeah, you can have front,” I say, horribly confused by another newcomer, but there I am, getting into the back seat, innocently not expecting a naked giant to squeeze in on my left and a creepy borderline serial killer on my right.

“Wait! We forgot your familiar!” Sylvan exclaims.

“He’ll be fine here while we’re?—”

“I got him,” the creepy guy says as he picks up the miniature horse and stuffs him into the back seat with us. Hades steps on me before finding a spot on the floor so we have absolutely no room for our legs. And before I try to argue that the horse is fine at home, the driver takes off.

I debate insisting that we switch seats, but Sylvan looks so happy I’m willing to accept his eccentric crew that I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t know what the fuck is happening.

“Janie is a race car driver,” he explains as sirens are switched on while we’re whipped out of the driveway, causing my head to snap back.

“Christ,” I whisper as we fly down the street while I question all of my life choices. “I could have driven.”

“That’s okay! Janie likes to drive. She’s really good too!”

“How… how did she die?” I ask, highly concerned for my life. “Was that rude?”

“Nah. She…” Sylvan hesitates before smiling again. “So… the weather is nice.”

Ah ha ha… I’m going to die. “It… is. Really, I can drive.”

“So… I know this hasn’t really been the most normal of meetings, but do you think you want to go out with me? You really don’t have to. I was just thinking that we could do dinner and a movie or something. But don’t push yourself! Don’t do it out of some sense of obligation or something! I’ll still help you with this even if you have no interest at all.” Sylvan looks so adorably embarrassed as he asks me this.

He’s too sweet for this world. How has no one snatched him up yet? “I would like that. Let’s get through this mess and make a date night plan. What about tomorrow?”

Sylvan smiles at me and nods. “Let me check my schedule…”

“I think you have a haircut a month from now,” I tease.

His grin widens. “Right. So I guess I’ll be able to slide you into the busy schedule. I’ll make room because it’s you—oh my god, Janie! Yellow doesn’t mean speed up! We’ve been over this!”

“I’m colorblind,” she declares.

“You still know where the light is!” he says. “Don’t mind her.”

I’m really minding her because she’s probably going to get us killed. But damn do we roll up to the seer’s office in no time. “Roll up” as in jumping the curb and coming to a stop with the car up on the sidewalk so close to the glass window that I’m not sure I could have slid a playing card between the bumper and the window. The two men’s bulging muscles kept me from flailing all about, but I really wish the one would find some pants, especially when my hand ends up on his lap in an attempt to steady myself.

“Janie, I can’t get my door open, you’re too close to the building,” Sylvan says as he tries to get out.

“I’ll get it for you,” Paul offers before motioning to Johnny who shoves open the back door even though it’d clearly been locked. He climbs out and instead of opening Sylvan’s door for him, he drags the car off the sidewalk like that was easier than just backing the car up.

“Don’t mind them,” Sylvan says as he gets out. I try not to “mind them” as I follow. Johnny is now holding the car door as a weapon as he gets the seer’s office door for us… you know, the gentlemanly thing to do. I step in first and look over at the woman who smiles before freezing. She covers up the look unbelievably fast.

“Hey, Axton, what are you doing here? I was just coming to see what that odd noise was and…” Danielle hesitates when she sees Sylvan. “You’re that necromancer.”

Sylvan doesn’t hesitate to say, “Yes, the one who slaughters thousands. I’m here to tell you I’m starting with number one.” His usually joyful expression is pulled tight as he narrows his eyes at her.

She’s quite alarmed by this. “A-Axton, why would you bring him here knowing what he is destined to do?”

“Why did you put a dead body in my front yard and turn my assistant against me? Then try to kill me with hellhounds and plant a vine… thing in my house ?” I growl.

Danielle gives me an innocent look, like she has no idea what I’m saying. “Are you confused? You can’t possibly be talking to me.”

“I’m sure as hell talking to you,” I say. “Ricky told me everything.”

“You ever think about the possibility of Ricky lying to you?” she counters.

“Why would you do this?” I ask.

Danielle scowls at me, like she’s annoyed I won’t listen. “Because you’re an asshole who gets everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“What? Don’t even get me started. You cheated on me. You were manipulative and used your ability to sneak around. And then you were pissed when I figured out what was going on, so now you’re going to kill me?”

“I wasn’t going to kill you. I was simply… going to scare you a little before swooping in and saving the day,” she says nonchalantly. “And then you run right for that man instead. The man who is going to be a murderer!”

“He’s done nothing wrong,” I snap.

Sylvan steps toward her. “I know all your visions are right, but I really would never kill anyone.”

The vision made him out to be such a horrible man, but unless he’s doing a phenomenal job tricking me, I can’t fathom him hurting anyone, let alone killing thousands. And it’s not like he doesn’t have a good handle on his magic; the man is extremely talented. Could he possibly summon a killer he can’t control or… or wait. What if…

No… no, that’s not possible. People have tried arresting him, imprisoning him… killing him over this…

“Danielle, did you… did you lie about Sylvan because you had a vision with the two of us together?” I ask, positive this has to be wrong.

The flicker of surprise on Danielle’s face startles me. It was the absolute last thing I ever imagined I’d see. I can’t fathom such a thing, even from her.

“You… lied ?” Sylvan asks. “You… you’ve made my life a literal hell . People have gotten hurt trying to kill me. I was arrested and harassed and nearly run out of this city, and all because you’re a jealous bitch?”

She grits her teeth before hissing, “He is not yours!”

“No, he’s not! He’s not yours either! He doesn’t belong to anyone and can make his own decisions on who to be with. And I can make my own decision about what should be done with you,” he says, eyes narrowed.

Danielle, who has absolutely no way to defend herself, takes a look at the big bodyguards behind Sylvan and even at Hades who is looking extra sassy as he rears up—especially because he never liked her. She rushes out the door, but Sylvan casually follows her and I soon see why as I come to a stop and take it all in.

There are hundreds of undead standing right outside the door. There’s absolutely nowhere for her to go as they keep her boxed in.

“Danielle, you’re going to undo what you did to everyone and then you’re going to confess everything to the police. If not, I’ll let Sylvan do whatever he’s planning on doing to you,” I warn her.

“It wasn’t going to hurt anyone,” she growls. “You’re making this all out to be worse than it is!”

“I am?” I ask in disbelief. “Are you seriously going to look me in the eyes and tell me that after all the shit you just did?”

“I can torture her into understanding how fucked up this was,” Sylvan says, eyes narrowed as I realize that the man can obviously hold his own. I’m not actually sure he knows how to fight, but why would he when he has literally hundreds of undead ready to tear a single woman apart for him?

“I’ve always wanted to dissect someone,” Paul says.

Sylvan hesitates. “Paul, stop, you’re just creepy.”

“I thought we were threatening her! You’re so picky.”

Danielle doesn’t seem to be finished as she waves her hand.

“I think she just signaled to someone,” I warn Sylvan as I see a mage step onto the scene from just beyond the undead. I can’t help but wonder if this is the person who inflicted the petrification on the police officers as well as the magic on my house. If he is, then he’s clearly no joke, so I grab for Sylvan in an attempt to pull him back as the man lifts his staff and is immediately pummeled to the ground by about fifty undead.

“If someone gets me a chair, I can kick back and do this all day,” Sylvan announces.

“I’ll get the chair!” Johnny shouts.

“No! Johnny, I was just saying it to sound cool.”

“You want me to threaten her with the chair. Got it,” he says as I watch him reach into the police car and tear the passenger seat right out of the vehicle before holding it like a tool of bludgeoning.

When I look at Sylvan, he has his eyes closed, like if he doesn’t see what’s happening, he can pretend it’s not happening at all.

“Fine! I’ll fix everything,” Danielle says through clenched teeth.

“And publicly announce that Sylvan isn’t going to kill thousands. That you lied ,” I demand.

“You would ruin me?” she cries, like she could possibly think I’d be like “Nah, it’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

“You had no issue ruining others. You literally put a dead body in my yard ,” I remind her.

“He was already dead!”

How did I date this woman? We dated for all of a month before I realized how controlling and manipulative she was. After that, I thought I’d made it quite clear that I wasn’t interested in her.

Because of the giant ruckus we’ve created, the police show up to handle the situation. They have to wade through the undead to even reach us, but I know them quite well from my time working as a hero.

Sylvan just slinks off into his group, like he doesn’t want to be a part of this, and I don’t blame him. He hasn’t exactly been treated the kindest. So I wait until I’m done explaining to them how to unpetrify the people at my house before wandering into the group of undead. I’m not quite sure where to go, but the crowd splits, leading me right to Sylvan.

“Hey,” I say.

“Let me guess, they still think I’m the bad guy,” he mutters, eyes down.

“No, they actually wanted me to tell you that they said thank you for helping them.”

He slowly looks up at me. “You’re just saying that.”

“I most definitely am not. They wanted to tell you face-to-face, but they didn’t know where you went.”

“Do they still think I’m going to kill all those people?” Sylvan asks, and I find myself wanting to comfort him.

“No. Danielle admitted it was a lie. I’m really sorry. This is all my fault. I… the moment I knew she was manipulative, I broke up with her. But weird things have been happening lately and I’m starting to realize that she must have been stalking me and trying to make my life hell in an attempt to get me to go back to her.”

“It was awful of her… but does make me feel happy that… she saw us together. I know that’s weird because we barely know each other! But like…” His blush reaches his pointed ears, and I can’t help but smile at how cute it is.

“Yeah, that does take out some of the uncertainty, and so does Cupid. I guess she was useful for something. I would love to take you out to dinner tonight, but I should probably deal with everything going on. And like… getting a new car… and putting a front door on my house. But could I pick you up tomorrow for dinner?”

“I’d love that!”

“Do I have to bust down your gate again and battle off your hordes of undead?”

“Depends on whether you’re late,” Sylvan says with a grin. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Do you need someone to drive you home?”

“No, my car is waiting,” he says as he points to where his race car driver is already waiting for him. With a gesture of his hand, all the undead sink back into the earth until they’re called for again.

Waving goodbye, I watch him get into the car and the woman speed off before questioning where the hell she got the car from. I thought his was missing.

I try to pretend like she found his missing car as Hades steps up beside me.

“Hey, buddy,” I say as I pat his fluffy forelock. “Can’t say that’s how I saw today going… but I’m glad you like him. You definitely have a better eye for decent people than I do. Let’s go fix this mess, I guess.”

He stomps his hoof, probably displeased that he didn’t get to kick Danielle… I might be too.