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Chapter Four

Sylvan

“Are they supposed to be like this?” I ask.

“Did I choose to have multiple cops frozen in my yard? No, can’t say that was the plan. Are they dead?” Axton asks.

“No, definitely still alive,” I say as I walk between them. “Who did you piss off?”

“Umm… I pissed off the neighbor when Hades shit in her yard. I pissed off my mother when I told her I wanted to be a photographer instead of a hero. I pissed off a lot of people when I punched the guy I was tasked with saving in the face because he just had one of those attitudes.”

“I approve,” Johnny, who is a quarter giant, says.

“Did you kill him and keep the bones?” Paul—the one I didn’t mean to summon—says.

Axton slowly looks over at him. “I… did not.”

Paul tsks. “Next time.”

“Uh… huh…”

Axton is giving me a look like he’s asking if I condone this. For the record, I do not. I also tried having the others rebury Paul as far away from me as I could, but he keeps coming back whenever I summon the others. It’s a sore topic.

“Please don’t judge me by those I summon,” I whisper to Axton. The look on his face doesn’t tell me whether he concurs or not.

Even so, I wade through the petrified people and over to the dead body they’d clearly been examining when this happened. Axton tries to keep up with me, but every time he gets close, one of my bodyguards simply pushes him off in the other direction.

“Guys, it’s okay. He can walk near me,” I say, which must translate to “stand around him and heavily breathe down his neck while flexing your muscles.” To say that Axton looks uncomfortable is an understatement, but boy do I give him credit when he doesn’t run.

I kneel in front of the body to examine it. “With new bodies, it generally takes them a moment to adjust once I bring them back. He’ll likely still be caught up in his death, so just be prepared depending on how he died.”

“Okay,” Axton says and gives me a reassuring nod. Now that I know he wasn’t lying to me, he does seem rather sweet and understanding, even though I’m a necromancer.

I let my hand hover over the dead man’s chest. There’s never any flashy magic that bursts out of me or anything fancy. Instead, all I feel is a light static sensation from my fingers a moment before life surges into him.

He sits up with a gasp. And while the dead don’t need to breathe, they often do so because it’s what they did when they were alive. I wait for him to start screaming or begging for his life not to end, but instead he goes, “Sit that ass right on my face…” Then he slowly looks around.

“I thought you said they’d be caught up in their death,” Axton whispers.

“Yeahhhh…”

I feel a wave of awkwardness flash between the two of us as I try not to think about what this man was up to when he died.

I decide to get right to the point. “So you’re dead. I’m a necromancer who brought you back in the hope we could ask you some questions.”

“You’re shitting me…” He examines his hands as he thinks about that. “Did you bring me back for fun sex things? Because if you did, I’m all in.”

“What? No! Unless you did,” I say as I look toward Axton.

Axton pretends like I didn’t even ask the question as he kneels down in front of the dead man. “Who killed you?”

“I dunno.”

“Where did you die?”

“I dunno.”

“Who… who were you asking to… sit on your face?”

The man’s face lights right up. “Ahhh, so I?—”

And that’s the moment he turns to dust.

“Well… that’s never happened before,” I realize.

“Someone obviously doesn’t want me finding out why they want me dead,” Axton says with a sigh.

“You have any more dead bodies I can ask?”

“Yeah, I have a pile in the freezer.”

I raise an eyebrow. “You don’t have to be so sassy.”

He gives me a shrug. “It’s my one downfall.”

I grin. “Oh?”

“What’s yours?”

“Are you flirting with me?” I ask, loving the idea. Apparently, I’m not allowed an answer as my group of bodyguards encase me so I can’t even see the man, quickly cutting off any flirting that was possibly happening.

“Do you want him to flirt?” Johnny asks.

“We could eat him,” Paul whispers. The others just nod along since they’re not as chatty as these two.

“Uhh… yeah, I was kind of enjoying it,” I say. They glance at each other before giving a curt nod and separating.

“You may continue your flirting,” Johnny says.

“If you’re bad at it, we’ll probably feed you to the alligators in our moat,” Paul warns him.

Axton glances at me. “Is there a moat?”

“No, but would I seem cooler if there was one?” I ask. “It can be done.”

“I guess it’d make me want to come over to check out your castle again.”

“You can check out more than my castle,” I say with a wink a second before Paul pulls me back by the collar of my shirt, which proceeds to choke me.

“Sylvan? Hey, Sylvan,” Paul whispers.

“What? I was getting a guy who knows that I frolic around with dead people to look at me!” I whisper back. “I don’t even think he’s judging me! So please tell me why you chose this very moment to interrupt!”

Paul’s eyebrow rises. “Well, would you rather me allow you two to finish and then get eaten by hellhounds, your bones licked clean, and then chewed on or warn you about the hellhounds?”

I hesitate and look over where three of the absolute largest dogs I’ve ever seen in my life are proceeding to crush Axton’s car.

“Looks like neither of us have cars now,” I say.

“Not the time,” Axton retorts as he steps into his battle stance. He’d look really cute with a witch’s hat but instead he’s just wearing standard clothes while standing next to a ferocious miniature horse that’s clearly out to fuck up shit as he rears, striking out as he does so.

“What are you doing?” I ask as the hellhounds grow closer. They’re the size of small horses, with large fangs like a saber-toothed tiger and deep red fur. While not actually from hell, the color and size are what got them dubbed hellhounds. And really, does it matter where they came from?

“What am I doing? I’m destroying them before they destroy us,” he says.

I look at him in shock. “Why would you destroy them? What if someone came into your yard and looked at your horse and was like ‘Welp, might as well destroy it .’”

“I think this is a little bit different!” he protests.

I gasp as I look at the cute beasties making their way toward us.

“Those things are evil!”

“No, they’re not,” I say as I walk toward the three hellhounds. “Here’s the thing, Axton, people think I’m evil just because I’m a necromancer. You can’t judge anyone based on what they are or what they look like. I mean, yeah, some prestigious seer might have seen me murdering thousands of people, but that doesn’t make me into a bad guy. Here, pup pup.”

I hold out my hand as I near the hellhounds.

“You a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” I ask as I click to them, and all three turn toward me. “See? You can’t just automatically assume they’re horrible when they seem perfectly?—”

Axton grabs me around the waist, tearing me back as the hellhound strikes, claws tearing right through a tree I’d been close to.

“What were you saying?” Axton asks as he holds me in his arms. If I hadn’t just nearly gotten my body cleanly severed in half, I might find it sexy. I might even grip his arm and comment how muscular he is, but instead, I find myself climbing out of his arms while yelling at my undead to take care of my dog problem. I run for the cover of the house as Axton races after me while my undead charge.

“I feel like you were quite convinced you were about to be a dog whisperer,” he says as he catches up with me.

“I’m going to be honest. People have been terrified of me my entire life, so I actually don’t really know how to interact with things. I just try to assume that everyone will love me until proven otherwise, and I think I was proven otherwise,” I say as I reach the porch, but before I can grab for the door, Axton pulls me back.

“Shit, I forgot. The door has some kind of spell on it.”

“JOHNNY!” I yell and the biggest of the men comes rushing onto the scene. He doesn’t even take a moment to assess the situation before slamming his shoulder into the door, ripping it off its hinges. Axton shoves me inside before looking down at the corpse of his door.

“Do you… possibly think Johnny could have just opened the door? As a dead guy, the spell probably wouldn’t have done anything to him,” he says as Hades comes skidding in after us.

I stare at the drywall chunks and debris. “I mean… there’s the possibility he could have. Did he? That’s up for debate.”

“Which part is debatable?”

“I think we should go back to flirting. I was doing a phenomenal job. Like ‘Is it hot in here or is it just you?’”

“No… it’s extremely hot in here. Why is it so hot in here?”

“I didn’t even take my clothes off yet,” I say, then give him a wink before realizing that he’s not joking or flirting. It’s really fucking hot in here.

Both of us look around for what could be causing the sudden influx of temperature when I realize we’re standing right in the middle of some type of magic sigil.

“Please tell me you put that here,” I say as I point down a moment before the ground breaks and some strange type of vine comes crawling out. “Scratch that, please tell me you’re into tentacle porn!”

“They’re not even tentacles!” he cries as one wraps around his leg and yanks his foot out from under him, causing him to crash to the ground. Without skipping a beat, the vine starts hauling him off to the crack in the floor.

“Fuckity fuck fuck,” I mutter as I rush after him. Another comes for me but Hades, the trusty little steed he is, rears up and strikes at it with both front hooves. It retracts enough that I manage to reach Axton as he spits out magic that doesn’t seem to work against this sigil. It’s evident the person laid it with him in mind.

“JOHNNY!” I yell as I grab tightly onto Axton. “Axton, you better take me out on a date after this.”

“What? You mean this isn’t a fun date night activity?” he asks as another vine wraps around his leg while he thrashes and kicks. The hole that’s opened up is just big enough for his body to fit through and the first part to enter is his feet because no matter how strong I’ve become reading books and playing video games with my undead pals… I’m not as strong as this vine monster.

Suddenly, I’m yanked back as Johnny and Paul rush onto the scene and grab Axton. With barely a heave and a pull, Johnny pulls him free as Paul slashes the vines and the sigil snaps, closing the portal to… who knows where.

“The others are dealing with the hounds, but Paul and I are here to save the day!” Johnny declares.

“Oh, thank you so much,” Axton says as he reaches back and freezes when he fully takes in Johnny. “W-Why are you naked?”

“Johnny is always stronger naked,” I explain.

“Is that what he tells you?” Axton asks, looking oddly disturbed.

Johnny gives him a smile and a thumbs-up. “Sylvan told me all men are strongest without clothes.”

I pretend like I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about.

“You… did what?” Axton asks me.

“Oh my god. I was watching a movie and this actor came on who was trying to save this woman and I jokingly said that the clothes were slowing him down. I’m not creepy, I swear!”

“That’s to be determined,” Axton says as the extremely naked Johnny continues to drag him away from danger. “I feel like I’m in a very strange porno.”

“I kind of get ‘murder’ vibes, but if you’re getting porno vibes and are into our date, I’m not going to complain,” I say as Johnny finally drops him. I give Axton a hand, which he doesn’t hesitate to take even after my naked bodyguard helped him up.

I’ve become disgustingly used to anyone who’s alive avoiding me, disliking me, or not even wanting to touch me, but he literally took my hand! And as I realize that I haven’t let go of it, I also realize I’m smiling so wide that it has to be creeping him out.

“Sorry. I’m used to people refusing to touch me,” I explain.

He hesitates, giving me a look of concern. “Why?”’

“They think I’m creepy.”

Axton’s expression is oddly confused. “I guess that’s because they’re prejudiced assholes, then, because there’s nothing about you even remotely creepy.”

“Really? You don’t mind my undead army?” I ask, trying not to get too hopeful.

“I mean…”

He glances at the naked man, and then over at Paul who happens to be holding one of the wiggling cut-off vines in his hand.

“I don’t think you are creepy,” he says. I pretend I don’t notice the rather large emphasis on “you.”

“I vow to help you figure out who is trying to kill you! Hopefully before they succeed!”

“I’m also quite hopeful about that,” Axton mutters as he looks around, like something else might be waiting for him.

“It’s becoming quite clear to me that someone really wants you dead,” I say. “Johnny, what’s the status on the hellhounds?”

“The others are driving them off, sir,” he says. “But they broke my weapon and I’m in need of a new one.” He grabs one of the dining room chairs and breaks it over his knee. He holds out the chair leg and gives it a good swing before tossing it, apparently not satisfied even after destroying Axton’s chair. Then he picks up the front door and gives it a swing. “Ah yes. This will do nicely.”

“I am so sorry about your chair and door,” I whisper.

“Uh… it’s… not your fault?”

I hear a bit of a question in there, but he’s apparently still choosing to forgive me because he’s a wonderfully kind man! I’m quite lucky to have wound up with such a nice person.

Even though we’d banished the vine… monster(?), the ground seems to shake beneath us, telling me that it’s not quite over.