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Chapter Eight

When we reach the bikes, Lance swipes his card and frees one bike as I stare at my nemesis while rain comes down harder. “What if you ride ahead and I’ll catch up? You could save him before I get there if you have the chance. Fuck this, we’ll get an Uber! Or a Lyft! Or hitchhike with a serial killer granny who will keep us locked in a pit where she will lube us up until we look pretty for her lamps. Oh my god, Lance, we’re going to have to ride the bikes.”

“Maybe… maybe we could check a rideshare first,” he says, so I pull out my phone only to see that the fastest one would be half an hour out.

“According to the GPS it’d take us less time to ride, and it doesn’t look like the rain is going to let up before then,” he informs me, and like the gods have forsaken us, rain begins to pummel our bodies.

“Hold my weapon,” Lance says as he hands me the ice scraper and mounts the bike. Then he takes my hand and gives me a tug. I awkwardly climb on because this is clearly not meant for two grown men.

“To war,” I announce, ice scraper held high.

“To war,” Lance says as he starts pedaling while the wind and the rain beat at his face. I tuck my head against his back, using it as a windshield, and realize that Donny… Donny really isn’t worth this much shit.

About halfway to war, Lance must also realize that Donny should probably just peacefully pass away in his captor’s arms. “Oh. My. God. I think we’re climbing… fucking… Mt. Everest.”

“You wish you could have ridden that anaconda now, don’t you?” I ask as the man of my dreams heaves out a lung while trying to pedal the bike straight up a hill.

“D-Don’t. T-Talk.” Lance stops and the bike starts to go backwards.

“I’m going to die, don’t do that!” I cry, and in my panic, I grab on too tightly, throwing Lance off balance, but it’s too late. The momentum is pulling us back and he tries to get his feet on the ground when the bike gives us one big “Fuck you” as the front tire wobbles out of control and the bike tips over, sending us flying down to the earth where I will remain on the sidewalk until my wedding tomorrow. Pain spikes into my knee and cheek as I try to stop myself from kissing the ground.

“O-Owen, are you okay?” Lance asks.

“No. Death… death seeks me out,” I moan.

The look Lance gives me makes me stop my dramatics for a moment and stare up at him.

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing, honey. I love you. And I’m really sorry I just tried killing us,” he says as he reaches for me, and as he does so, I realize he has road rash on his hands.

“It’s my fault I knocked you off balance—Your hands!”

“Still not as bad as your face…” Lance’s eyes get wide as we stare at each other for a long moment before I reach for my phone and switch the camera around to see the quite clear road rash across my face.

“You will have to find a new groom,” I tell him.

“No, I love this groom,” he says as he grabs for me before wincing. “I will love your damaged face if you can love my damaged hands.”

“I guess…” I say, realizing now how much my face stings. “Hell, Lance.”

“Good news is that we’re close,” he says with a smile as he loops his arm with mine and drags me up to my feet. “And the rain is slowing!”

“Yay…” I say dryly as I pick the ice scraper up and lock arms with him.

“Hell, I’m out of shape. I think I’ve eaten too many of your pies.”

Lance leans against the wall of a building for a breath. I guess I did just sit there while he biked us up the mountain.

“That’s okay, I’ll carry you,” I assure him as I stoop over for him. “Mount me.”

“I’m too heavy.”

“Mount me, Lance! We don’t have much time left.”

“I-I’m starting to think this is a big misunderstanding,” he says as he melts onto my back. I nearly break my back lifting him and promptly put him back down.

“Never mind. I’m… I’m going to have to leave you here. You really have eaten too many of my pies. But please… remember that I love you,” I say as I kiss his face before kicking the bike, which sends immediate pain into my foot. “Fuuuck.”

“Did you break your toe?”

“Maybe,” I whine.

“Can you walk it off?”

“You think I can also walk off my face?” I ask hopefully.

“Umm… well… I love you the way you are,” Lance says with a beautiful smile as we continue the rest of the trek up the hill. I start off at a rather slow jog and get about ten feet before I decide that I don’t love Donny enough to jog for him but will settle on a brisk walk.

When we reach the address, the place is dark. Since Lance’s hands are out of commission, I lift the weapon and push through the doors, not sure what we’re getting ready to face but knowing we’re going to face it together. As we step into the dark room, the lights burst on and?—

“Surprise!” Donny yells.

I freeze as family and friends jump out from various places in the room.

“Ew. What the fuck happened to you two?” Donny asks. “God, you both look miserable.”

I stare at Donny and our beaming family who are beaming a little less as water drips off us.

Pointing my weapon at Donny, I step up to him. It doesn’t even matter that I have to crank my neck back to meet his eyes. “What… the fuck are you doing alive ?” I whisper.

“Umm… living? What kind of question is that? I threw you a fun little bachelor party since you two didn’t get one. Did you enjoy the sexy stripper? The moment I went in and saw that bulge, I thought of you two. What about the lovely carriage ride?”

“What carriage ride?” I ask in disbelief.

“The one you rode here in. I made sure to move your car so it wasn’t an inconvenience… did you… guys not take the carriage?” he asks, looking confused.

“Does it look like we took the carriage?” I demand as I wave at ourselves.

Donny eyes us. “Honestly, it looks like you were tied behind the horse and dragged here, but I don’t think I paid for that service.”

“You were kidnapped ,” I whisper. “We were saving you.”

“I was kidnapped?” he asks. “Wow, whatever you two have been smoking, I’d like some!”

“The box! It said if we didn’t save you, you would die .”

“Huh? Oh, that! No! It said diet. My wife wrote down that it was ‘Donny’s diet,’ get it? Because I bought the pie to get the box and I ate the whole pie. Funny, huh?”

I glance at Lance. “Is it?”

“Is it what?” Lance asks.

“Funny.”

“I kind of liked it better when we thought he was going to be kidnapped and tortured.”

I nod. “Me… me too,” I say as I hear the clippity clop of horse hooves from outside the door. He got us a goddamn carriage. A strip dance… a carriage ride…

“I want to hurt you right now, but instead, I’m going to go ride my pony,” I declare as I lock arms with Lance again and hurry him outside to the carriage. The driver looks extremely confused why we’re here instead of at the club but lets us get on as Donny waves eagerly from the doorway. I chuck the snow scraper at him before settling into the back of the carriage.

“Lance?” I ask.

“Huh?” he responds as the horse starts walking, the rain having dissipated, leaving behind a bright full moon.

“Are we idiots?”

“Maybe.”

I nod. “Thought so.”

“But at least we’re each other’s idiot, you know?” he asks.

“Is that romantic?”

Lance is quiet for a moment. “I don’t care. Because weirdly… I had a lot of fun,” he says as he glances over at me. “I mean… it was kind of a fucked-up bachelor party, but… I kind of enjoyed it.”

“Me too,” I admit.

The sound of the horse’s shoes striking the cement echoes down the desolate street as the carriage heads for a nearby park. I lean against Lance, arm wrapped around his.

“Well… he did make the nervous butterflies with machetes in my stomach go away,” I say.

“That’s good. After saving Donny’s life, getting married definitely can’t be that hard, right?” Lance asks.

“Especially if it’s you I’m getting married to,” I say as I turn toward him and kiss him softly.

As we settle into the seat and I realize that tomorrow starts a new part of my life, I’m more at ease than I’ve ever been. Together, Lance and I have faced a lot, so it’s clear that we can face anything that comes our way. Even if it ends up absolutely ridiculous along the way, I know that I’ll always have his back and he’ll always have mine.

“He better do this again next year,” I decide.

Lance looks oddly alarmed. “No, no, no. I think once is enough for a lifetime of love, okay? Please say okay, Owen.”

“Hmmmmmm.”

“That’s not an ‘okay.’”

“Hmmmmmmmm.”

“Owen, my love.”

“Fine. Okay…” I kiss him on the cheek and decide that a year is long enough for him to forget that I agreed. But thankfully, I get to spend that whole year—and the rest of my life—with the man I love.