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Chapter Six

I wasn’t sure I could make it into class. I considered running away and never returning, but I’m past the point of no return. I have to finish the class or fail it.

So I wait until right before class before slipping in and finding a seat next to Kaiya. She smiles at me as I sit down, but I stare at my hands while Lito talks to the class.

My brain is running on overdrive as I sit here wondering if he’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about him.

In a moment of weakness, I glance up and notice him looking my way. The expression he gives me looks as pained as the one he wore that night after he told me we’d made a mistake. It makes my stomach hurt, but when he tears his eyes away from me, it makes me feel even worse. I almost feel guilty for some reason. Like it’s my fault he’s upset.

When he lets us get to our feet to start practicing, I take Kaiya into the corner so my back is to Lito.

When Lito comes over to watch us, he only does so briefly. When I look up at him, I find that he won’t meet my eyes, and he looks different. He’s not smiling like he usually is. Instead, his face is drawn and he appears exhausted. While he watches us, I even fumble and take the wrong step and he doesn’t say a word. When he calls the class to an end, I rush over to my bag and yank my right shoe off as quickly as I can.

“Hunter, a moment,” Lito says.

I freeze in my seat.

Why? Why couldn’t he just let me leave? Let me run? Let me hide?

Instead, Lito goes into his office, and I remain in my seat as everyone files out. I’ve never taken such care in pulling my remaining shoe off and putting them both into their box. Then I slide the box into my bag and put my regular shoes on, but I can’t force myself to my feet. So here I sit on the chair, contemplating what I should do. If I leave, it would be clear to Lito that I’m done. That I had the last say. But if I go to him, will I have to listen to him give me excuse after excuse? Will he apologize again? Will he tell me he never wants to see me?

I don’t have any time to make a decision because Lito is suddenly in front of me.

“Why’re your shoes off?” he asks.

“What?” I ask, confused.

“Get your shoes back on. You kept miss-stepping in class.”

“Oh…”

So we’re just going to pretend it never happened? Okay… I can do that. I can pretend! That would be better than never seeing him, right? Then maybe once I graduate, I can slide in one last time and invite him out for coffee. That way if he turns me down, I will never have to face him again. But in the back of my mind, I’m well aware I’ll never have the guts to do that. Everything I’ve built up in my mind will always be a dream because I’m too busy second-guessing what I should have and what is okay to actually want.

I kick my shoes off and pull my dance shoes back on before standing. Lito gets a song started on his phone before slipping it back into his pocket.

“I don’t think we’ve danced to this one yet,” he says as he holds his hand out.

I instinctively place mine in his, immediately making me conscious of everywhere he touches.

“Go ahead and lead,” he urges.

I wait for the right beat and step into him.

This is what I’m here for. I’m a dancer. I don’t need to focus on a relationship. I can’t be two things my father dislikes, and I’ve always cared more about dancing. Dancing is where I can get lost. Dancing is what has gotten me through everything. Dancing is where I feel free.

But is dancing the only thing I want?

I abruptly stop, and Lito slams into me.

“Sorry,” he says. “Did you lose the beat?”

“I don’t want to lead. I’m more used to following,” I state. “Every moment of my life, I have followed. Let me follow.”

He stares down at me, but he doesn’t say anything.

Lito acts like he isn’t going to move, so I try reinforcing it. “I’m better at following.” I take my position as I look over his shoulder. He steps forward, and I step with him.

This is right. This feels so much better. Like this, I can mindlessly follow in his steps. He can guide, pull, and tug me along, and I will move with him. To an outsider, it’ll look like I know exactly what I’m doing because I’m in his wake.

He stops and I stumble on his feet. “Take the lead.”

“I don’t want to. I want to follow,” I say stubbornly as I try to push him back. “I follow what my father has laid out for me because that is what I’m supposed to do. I follow my brother because I have to be as smart as him. I follow what Kaiya picks for the routine because I’m not good enough without her. And now I have to follow whatever you say since we can’t be together because we have to follow some fucking rules,” I snap as I catch his eyes. “So let me FOLLOW!”

“Hunter, I’m sorry but we just… I could be fired.”

“I know that. And I’m not mad at you because of that. I would never ask you to chance giving up your job over me. I’m just… tired. I don’t feel like practicing today.”

“Hunter, wait!” He grabs for me, but I slip past and move to the door. Before I can get through it, he jumps in front of me, blocking my exit.

I sigh. “Please just drop it? I’m taking out my frustration about everything on my expectations of what I want from you and I’m sorry. I’m sick of never being good enough. I’m sick of having to listen to my father. I’m sick of having to pretend I’m not gay. And then this… I just… wanted something for myself just once. I know I’m putting too much into this when we barely know each other. I’m just so tired of only being good at following. I just have this… foolish idea of breaking away from what’s expected of me… and I felt like I could do that with you. I’m sorry for creating this ridiculous idea in my head.”

“You are good at following,” Lito says.

“I know.”

“But that’s because that’s all you’ve ever been allowed to do. If you’ve never been allowed to do anything else, of course you won’t be as good at it.”

“Yeah… can I go now?”

“No. I don’t want you to. I want you to listen. Just because you’ve always followed, it doesn’t mean you can’t lead. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have the things you want.” He gently takes my hand to pull me around to face him. “I can’t let you go because I don’t want you to. I’m scared that if you walk out that door, I won’t see you again. It was selfish of me making you stay after class. I’m sorry, but I was afraid that if I didn’t… you’d step away. You’d turn from me.” Lito squeezes my hands tightly. “Please let me listen to you. Tell me what you want. I don’t want to be like your father. I don’t want to tell you what you need or what you should want.”

I shake my head, feeling like the easiest thing is just what others want.

“Hunter. I’m here to listen. Please tell me what you want.”

“I… I want to get to know you. I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anything and I know it’s so selfish of me. So that’s why I think it’s best if I just leave.”

“I don’t think it’s best. I really do like you, Hunter.”

“Are you saying that because I’m upset? Because you don’t have to.”

“Of course not. I would never do that. What do you want to do? Tell me what you want.”

“I would love it if we went out for coffee… when you were no longer my professor.”

“I would love that too. Are you sure you’d wait that long for me?”

I raise an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure I should be asking that. You could turn around and have your pick of dates.”

“Let me tell you a secret, Hunter. You could too, you just don’t realize it. You’re funny, extremely sweet, very nice, and gorgeous.”

I shake my head. “I’ll let you get away with the nice one, that’s it.”

“You want me to lie to you?”

“The rest is clearly confusion on your part.”

Lito grins. “I don’t think so. Will you forgive me for running away from this back at the studio? I feel awful for how I treated you. I really wanted to say something more… but I was scared of what you’d say.”

“How could you be scared?”

“Because I really like you and I don’t enjoy hurting people I like. But I can’t forget that I’m the main ballroom teacher here. If you wanted to pursue something more in ballroom or chose to take a ballroom class next semester…”

“All I want to do is dance. I don’t need a college degree saying that I can. You can teach me more at your studio than I can learn here. This was just for fun. I’ll finish out this semester, and my final semester is all business classes. I don’t quite know what I’m going to do with my business degree because I’m not sure I’m going to work at my father’s company, but I don’t hate my degree or what I’m doing. I’ve just realized that maybe there’s a different route out there for me.”

“But I don’t want you to turn away from dance.”

“I won’t! I don’t care where I dance. I honestly prefer dancing with you at a studio versus here at college because I don’t like so much pressure riding on me. So, if you don’t mind, I would absolutely love to join your studio.”

“I would love that. I will make you the greatest dancer.”

“When I dance with you, I already feel like I am.”

He gives me a smile before sighing.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just really want to kiss you, but I can’t. I will somehow be good.”

“The wait will make it even better.”

Lito nods. “It will. Now, I want you to show me that lift we never got to. I want you to prove your lifting power to me.”

I start laughing. “I’m… I’m starting to think that maybe I was just trying to show off when I declared I could lift you and swing you through the air while dipping you mid-lift.”

“Are you sure? I’d like to at least watch you try.”

“It’d be one way to get out of being my professor sooner.”

“Because you’re planning on dropping me?”

“I’m just saying that there’s a high possibility,” I tease.