Page 24

24

Tovah

I was numb.

Frozen everywhere: my skin, my bones, my heart. Maybe this was shock? I wasn’t sure. I’d been trussed up almost naked in the middle of my university’s campus for anyone to see me. And someone had, and Isaac had lost his goddamned mind and beaten the guy half to death like he hadn’t put me there in the first place. So I welcomed the numbness, because I knew it was the only thing keeping the pain at bay.

Isaac clearly didn’t give a shit that I wanted to be numb. He’d turned the heat up as high as it could go, and the warmth in the car melted my frozen heart into tears that spilled from my eyes. I hated that I was crying, that this asshole knew he’d hurt me. And when he reached his right hand over the console to grab mine, as if he could make it up to me , I pulled my hand away and huddled against the door, needing as much distance as I could get.

For a moment, I even contemplated unbuckling my seatbelt, opening the door, and getting out, but I didn’t relish the idea of walking around campus barefoot and half naked, in the dark.

Better the devil I knew.

And he was the devil. I’d thought I’d known how deep Isaac’s darkness went, but I hadn’t fully realized until I’d watched his fists fly and blood splatter everywhere while I stood, helpless and tied to a fucking freezing statue of two women who I knew wouldn’t have put up with this shit for a hot second.

I needed out. How, I didn’t know . Maybe it was time to listen to my mom and disappear for a while. I’d hate to give up college and my dreams, but I didn’t need to be tortured by the boy I’d loved as a child because he was more fucked in the head than I was.

While I was lost in thoughts and desperate plans, someone knocked on Isaac’s window. I turned my head, only to see Aviva standing there, Jack behind her.

Oh, thank god.

All I wanted was to cry in my best friend’s arms.

Unlocking the passenger door before Isaac could stop me, I burst out of the car and ran around the front, and then Aviva was grabbing me and holding me tight.

“I don’t know what he did to you, but I’ll fucking kill him,” she was saying.

“How—how did you find me?” I asked, trembling.

“Jack saw Isaac carry you out. We’ve been driving around, trying to find you, and we happened to be driving past campus when we saw Isaac carrying you back to his car. Why are you only wearing his shirt? What did he do ?”

“Give her back to me.” Isaac’s voice broke on that last word.

Aviva released me but kept a hand on my shoulder as she whipped around to face him. “Absolutely the fuck not. She’s standing here, barely dressed and shivering, with you . You have blood all over you. I’m shocked and ashamed of you, Isaac. This is not the man I know. I don’t understand what the fuck has gotten into you, and I don’t give a shit. You don’t get her back . Jack and I are taking her home with us.”

“I—” Isaac started, but Jack put a hand up, interrupting him.

“Aviva’s right. Whatever the hell is going on between the two of you is not okay. Tovah’s spending the night with us, and you can talk to her in the morning.”

“Absolutely the fuck not,” Isaac parroted Aviva as he advanced on Jack, bloody fists clenched. “She doesn’t go anywhere without me. You try to take her, and I’ll kill you.”

“Tonight, she does,” Jack said, voice even. He lowered it, saying something to Isaac I couldn’t hear, but it must have worked because Isaac unfisted his hands, only to scrape them angrily through his hair. His eyes were wild, desperate, seeking mine in what…an apology?

Like he and Aviva had said, absolutely the fuck not.

God, I thought that stranger was about to rape me. And I couldn’t have done anything, and Isaac had left me there to be hurt…and it was worse than anything he’d ever done to me. Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to contain a sob.

It broke out anyway.

Isaac let out a terrible sound I’d never heard from him before, moving toward me. Jack caught him by the shoulder and tugged him back.

With his free hand, he tossed Aviva his keys. “Take her home. I’ll deal with him.”

Through a blur of tears, I saw Jack holding Isaac back as Aviva guided me toward the car, gently sat me in the passenger side of Jack’s car, and buckled me in. As we drove away, I heard an anguished, almost animalistic roar—so loud, it could have shaken the trees.

* * *

I was curled up under the covers in Jack and Aviva’s guest room, lights ablaze, watching House Hunters International through dry, burning eyes when Aviva knocked on the door.

“You can come in,” I called.

The door opened. She entered the room holding a mug of hot chocolate.

I glanced over at the bedside table, where two other mugs of hot chocolate sat, both near-full, both cold.

“You know, you don’t have to keep bringing me new mugs.”

“Well, you haven’t drunk the old ones,” she scolded half-heartedly. “And you need to get your blood sugar up. Please, Tovah, have some.”

Sitting up, I held out my hands for the mug, and she handed it over. I took a few sips under her watchful, worried gaze, before finding a spot for it on the bedside table.

“Tovah…”

“I’m okay,” I told her softly. “Really.”

I wasn’t. But I didn’t want to worry her any more than she was already worried. Worrying would just lead to questions, and I couldn’t give her real answers. Because if I told her what Isaac was holding over my head, and she did anything about it, it would get her killed.

“You don’t seem okay,” she said. “Don’t think I couldn’t hear you crying. Tovah, what did he do to you?”

I shook my head. If I told her, she’d drive back to campus and try to take Isaac on. And I couldn’t let her. Partially because I didn’t want her getting hurt, but also because—and I hated that I felt this way—I didn’t want her doing anything to hurt him, either.

I buried my head in my hands.

She pulled my hands away.

“What—” she started. I cut her off.

“What the hell is wrong with me? He humiliated me at the party and…and then he did other awful things, has done terrible things, and I should hate him. I should want him dead. But…”

“But you don’t,” she said understandingly.

“But I don’t,” I finished, feeling pathetic.

She sat on the edge of the bed, grabbing my hand in hers, and squeezed. I squeezed back.

“I get it. Truly. Jack did—things he should be in prison for life for, truly. I should never, ever, have spoken to him again. But somehow, the good he did and that he’s still doing outweighs the bad from when the whole messy thing began between the two of us. Logically, it makes no sense. But I’ve given up on logic. I love him, and he loves me.”

I laughed. “Isaac doesn’t love me. And I don’t love him.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? Because it seems like these boys do the absolute craziest things when they start to fall. I’m not excusing it, to be clear. But it being horribly wrong doesn’t make it any less true.”

God, if she was right…and why did I want her to be right so badly? Because I did, I wanted it, I longed for it—even though I should hate him. Even though I never, ever, wanted to see him again, unless it was at his funeral.

“I still want to kill him,” I told her.

“Oh, believe me, me too,” she assured me, and we both laughed.

“I missed you,” I said.

Her face turned serious and accusing. “Well then why did you disappear? I haven’t heard from you in days.”

This at least I could tell her—right?

I groaned. “He took my phone.”

Her hand tightened painfully on mine. “He what?! Why?”

I answered more or less truthfully. “He doesn’t trust me not to write an article or make a post about what’s going on.”

She loosened her grip but didn’t let go. “And what is going on?”

Looking her in the eyes, I admitted, “I can’t tell you. I really, really wish I could, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be safe for either of us.”

Her voice rose. “Fuck safe. All I care about is that you’re okay.”

I knew that. Which is why she couldn’t know anything about the Silvers, or my past. I didn’t want to use previous conversations against her, but in this case, I had to.

“Aviva, remember a while back, when you were dealing with stuff with Jack, and you asked me to give you space and not push for answers?” Her eyes narrowed, and even though it hurt me to bring this up, I pushed ahead. “I’m asking for the same thing.”

There was silence between us as she processed my words, remembering. After a moment, she nodded.

“I don’t like it, but I guess I have to give you that. Just promise me one thing, okay? Don’t disappear on me. I won’t judge you for being with him or making sacrifices for…whatever or whoever it is you’re protecting, but I need you around, and to do whatever I can to make you as okay as you can be.”

“Promise,” I said, not mentioning that she was one of the people I was protecting.

“Good.” She scooted up on the bed, sitting next to me, back against the slatted wooden headboard.

“What are you doing?”

“Watching TV with you until you fall asleep. I’m here, okay? I’m here.”

Her words made me cry all over again. But I settled back against the bed, our hands remaining linked as we watched people find homes—something I’d never really had and never would have.