Page 41

chapter forty

Emily

Day Eighteen

Tuck had insisted on traveling with us to the first barrier we’d be crossing through on our two-day walk to San Diego. He’d suggested coming with us on the journey, but that would have meant backtracking several days to my parents, and I’d much rather he get there as quickly as possible. And if necessary, direct my parents to where I was.

“I’ve traveled this route several times,” Leon reassured him. “We’ll be there before sunset tomorrow. I got her.” And then he patted his waist where he’d shown us the weapon he now carried.

The world already felt scary and unfamiliar, and that morning I felt brittle and on edge. I wanted to feel hopeful. I wanted to experience gratitude at knowing there was a safe place in the midst of all this madness, and that I was headed there now. But the only thing I could focus on was the pain of knowing Tuck wouldn’t be with me.

Morning mist swirled, birds wheeling above as the checkpoint came into view. The people who were guarding it had moved concrete roadside barriers into the center of the road and two men with hulking muscles stood in front of them, guns strapped to their bodies.

Tuck moved slightly closer to me as we approached, his protective nature ever present in his actions and the way he instinctively put his body in front of those he meant to block from harm. Oh God. How will I say goodbye? This isn’t right. Please tell me you can’t let me go, that nothing means more than I do. That whatever happens, you’ll return to me, and you’ll stay.

But I knew he wouldn’t, because it wasn’t true.

And part of me loved him all the more for the fact that he was going out into a dangerous world, hell-bent on helping others. I’d vowed that morning as we’d left the recording studio with backpacks of food and water that I wouldn’t beg him not to leave me. Because truthfully? I knew he might very well honor my request if I begged him hard enough. But I couldn’t let him remain with me out of obligation. It would eventually break my heart even more than it was already breaking.

Still, as Leon stood talking to the guards, who obviously knew him, I looked at Tuck, tearing up against my will. “Saying thank you for getting me to this point doesn’t seem like enough.”

“It’s more than enough,” he said, his knuckle trailing over my cheek. I turned into it but then turned away. I was barely holding on. If he touched me, I’d break.

“I can’t believe we made it here,” I said, voice as wobbly as the smile I attempted. “From that plane, all the way here. We did it. And now—”

“Now you’re going to be safe. Everything is going to be good, Emily.”

I nodded. And I saw the heartbreak on his face too, and it hurt so much I could hardly bear it. Leon said my name, and I looked up to see him and Layne passing around the concrete structures. I turned back to Tuck. “If my parents are fine where they are, then I won’t see you anytime soon. But when this is all over, if you…if you’re ever this way…” Years from now, when the world is safer, when … I didn’t even know what to say or how to finish that thought. The world offered no guarantees right now, and I couldn’t ask Tuck for any either.

“Ready, Emily?” Leon called.

I met Tuck’s eyes as I tried desperately to hold back my tears and then he grabbed me, hugging me fiercely as I let out a quiet sob. Then he released me and turned away before I could see his face and began walking the other way.

I sucked back my sobs, a lump in my throat causing the air to squeak out on a quiet whistle.

Layne took my hand when I met up with them. “Are you okay?”

No. No, I wasn’t okay. The whistle turned into a soft moan of despair, my heart shattering as a hundred things I needed to say but hadn’t, poured from the cracks. I turned. “Tuck!”

He pivoted, racing toward me as we met in front of the barrier, him catching me as he said my name, holding me and stroking my hair. Tears coursed down my cheeks, and I could hardly find my voice. “I just want to say thank you again. There’s so much, Tuck. I don’t think you truly know. Thank you not just for getting me here, but for keeping me safe, for feeding me and protecting me and—”

“Em, of course. Em, don’t cry.” He sounded broken too, his voice scratchy, eyes filled with such sorrow.

“I just… What I really needed to say is that you’re a good man, Tuck. You’re honorable and fair and so, so good and you’re going to save lives and rescue people. And that’s a wonderful thing, Tuck. Such a valiant goal.” And I love you and something tells me I won’t see you again and I can’t live with myself if I don’t say this to you now.

“You’re going to be fine,” he practically choked. “You’re going to be safe and happy and you’re going to sing again because your voice brings people joy. The world needs that so desperately right now, Em. You’re going to make a difference too. Remember that your voice is medicine, Em, as sure as whatever they’ve gathered to treat people within that safe zone overlooking the Pacific Ocean.” He smiled, but it was so very sad. He smoothed back my hair and kissed my forehead, our hands running over each other, memorizing.

“I’m scared to be alone,” I gasped. “But mostly, I’m scared to be without you.”

He used his thumbs to swipe my tears. “No. No, you’re brave and competent, more than you know. And you’ll be safe with them.” He inclined his head back to where Leon and Layne were waiting for me.

I gave a jerky nod and a small hiccup. “Promise me you’ll be safe too. Please take care of yourself sometimes, okay? Promise me.”

“I do, Em. I promise.”

“We were good together, weren’t we? We were a good team. I’ll always remember that, for all my life. I’ll never forget.”

“Me neither. I’ll never forget a moment of it.”

“Emily,” Leon called. “I’m sorry, but we have to get to the next checkpoint while certain guards are on duty.”

I looked back and nodded, pulling in a shaky breath and swallowing down my sobs. Then I leaned up and kissed Tuck on his lips, allowing my mouth to linger before pulling away and then turning and running to Leon and Layne, their expressions filled with sympathy.

This time I didn’t look back.

* * *

The next forty-eight hours were mostly uneventful, and I was grateful. Even fear didn’t penetrate the grief, and I was thank ful for that too. The monotonous walking helped as I was able to lull my mind and keep my thoughts at bay. It was when we stopped that the sadness pierced, that the reality Tuck was no longer beside me hit me like a blow.

Just before sunset the next day, we made our way up the side of a rock cliff on a beach in San Diego. I used my hand as a visor to shield my eyes as I looked out to the gray-hued sea, sailboats swaying in a line. “What are they doing?” I asked.

Leon glanced in the direction where I was staring. “Keeping watch.”

“Of what?”

“Of others trying to fish in their water.”

I blinked as I turned away. Their water? Even sections of the ocean were being barricaded now?

The sunset blazed, casting the sky in striations of red and orange. We walked through several quiet neighborhoods that felt mostly abandoned, and then a looted business district.

“There it is,” Leon said, pointing at the hill that rose up in front of us, shimmering solar lights leading from the base to the peak.

The ocean curved around from where we’d ascended, and was closer now, the waves crashing just beyond, the glittery spray reaching into the fiery sky.

“We’re going to find peace here,” Layne said, squeezing my hand.

“Yes,” I said, mustering a smile. But I feared that I’d never find peace again.