Page 49

FORTY-NINE

RILEY

Coach

Can you stop by my office today?

I want to talk to you about something.

Me

Sure thing. Everything okay?

Coach

We’ll talk soon.

* * *

Me

Coach asked to see me in his office so I’m pretty sure I’m being sent to some club team in Alaska.

Lexi

Wow. Dramatic, much?

Did he tell you what the meeting was about?

Me

Nope. Vague as always, and I don’t like when Coach is vague. Usually means there’s bad news on the other end of things.

Lexi

Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Call me after?

Me

I will. Kind of feels like I’m heading to the guillotine. Wish me luck.

Lexi

Good luck. Xoxo.

* * *

“Hey.” I slip into Coach’s office and shut the door behind me. “What’s up?”

“Why do you look like you just saw the Grim Reaper?” he asks, glancing up from the whiteboard on his desk. “I’m not going to bite.”

“Sorry, but you asking to see me is the equivalent of being sent to the principal’s office.” I laugh and take the chair across from him. “Is everything okay?”

“How are you feeling?” Coach caps the dry erase marker he’s holding and stares at me. “Physically? Mentally?”

“I’ve been back on the ice five times now, and it feels like I never left. I’m going to my therapy sessions, the boys are in the playoffs, and, I don’t know. Am I allowed to say things are pretty fucking great right now?”

“You are.” He pauses and tips his chin to the tattoo on my bicep. “And how’s Lexi?”

I hesitate before answering his question. It feels like a trap. A trick to get me to blurt out, Oh, fucking fantastic. Have I mentioned I’m in love with her? Because I am. Head over heels, can’t eat, can’t sleep kind of love that makes all the bad shit seem irrelevant .

I casually asked Maverick if he and Emmy got in trouble for starting their relationship back when she was on the team. They didn’t, and she was traded shortly so they didn’t have any other issues, but there’s nothing in the team handbook that says Lexi and I can’t be together. Add on the fact that my contract is murky right now and I don’t really have a spot on the Stars’ roster, and I’m ready to defend her if Coach starts talking about moving her to a different department.

“Fine,” I say slowly. “Is there a reason why you’re asking me when you can walk down the hall and ask her yourself?”

“Do you think you’re the only one around here with secrets?” Coach snorts. “Please.”

“She’s, uh, yeah. I mean, we spent weeks together. I couldn’t help?—”

“I don’t care about your personal relationships, Mitchell. It’s not affecting either of your jobs, so I don’t need to hear about how she makes your heart skip a beat and all that other shit.”

“Wow. Not a softie, are you?”

“I got a phone call this morning,” he says, switching gears and avoiding my interrogation. “From Minnesota.”

“Is it about a trade? Am I even eligible for a trade? Oh, shit. Don’t tell me you’re sending Maverick away.”

“Not exactly. They asked about bringing you on as a scout. They want to set up an interview.”

I blink. “What?”

“Their amateur and college scout is heading to LA in a new role, and they’re looking to fill the spot. They’ve been impressed with what you’ve done behind the bench, and with how strong of a collegiate player you were, they think you’d bring a lot to the table.”

“How—is that even allowed?”

“Technically, yes. We’d have to void your contract with the Stars, but unlike being a player, you have the power to turn this down if you don’t want it.”

“I don’t… this is a lot to take in,” I say. “I never… before I got behind the bench, a leadership position wasn’t something I considered. I’m still not sure it’s what I want to do because my heart belongs to skating, but this… it could let me still be around the sport I love. There’s no guarantee I’ll ever be able to play competitively again, even with the progress I’ve made, and this…” I trail off, at a loss for words. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t need to make a decision today. Think about it. Our scouts are available if you want to talk to them. You can get some different perspectives and some pros and cons.”

“What do you think I should do?” I ask. “If this decision was in front of you?”

“It was in front of me, and I went with the coaching route. Do I regret it?” Coach rubs his jaw and crosses his arms over his chest. “Sometimes, yeah. What if I had rehabbed differently? What if I had taken two years off from playing and stopped trying to rush my recovery? Would my body have healed more strongly? Could I have gotten back on the ice? Maybe. Maybe not. Coaching was a sure thing though, and in the moment, I was afraid to not have a sure thing. I loved the sport too much and I had given it too much of myself to it to walk away empty-handed.”

“Yeah.” I fiddle with the drawstrings on my joggers and stare at my thighs. “That makes sense.”

“If I had the choice again today I don’t know what I would do, but you have to think long-term. What makes you happy? What’s going to get you up out of bed every morning, even on the days you don’t want to? Because you and I both know you’re going to have a fuck ton of those.”

I had one yesterday. It was the worst I’ve had in a while. I pulled my covers over my head and massaged my residual limb as I told myself the pain would go away soon. Even breathing felt difficult, a pressure on my chest that stayed there for three hours. I had to actively fight back against the demons in my head that called me weak when I grabbed my crutches, but I persevered. I came out on top, and today is better.

Can I be a scout who doesn’t know what kind of pain he’s going to be in until he climbs out of bed? Can I really decide which players are worthy of a spot on an NHL roster when I’m not on one myself? Is that fair to their livelihood, the power of their futures in the hand of someone who can’t skate for more than ten minutes before he has to stop?

“I need to think about it,” I say. “I need to… I should talk to?—”

“Lexi,” he finishes for me. “I figured. It’s a big decision. One you’re not making for only yourself. I told Minnesota you’d have an answer by the time the postseason wrapped up, and with how all these series are going to game sevens, I can buy you until mid-June.”

Mid-June. The one-year anniversary of the night that changed everything.

What a fucking coincidence.

I rub a hand over my chest and nod. “Okay. I’ll, uh. Report back.”

“Remember what we talked about, Riley. What would you tell your younger self if you found out you got a second chance at life, and you finally started fucking living again?”

I’d tell him he’s going to have a lot of lows, the darkest hours he could ever imagine, but he’s also going to have a lot of highs. A lot of new experiences that are going to change and shape him. I’d let him know he’s skating again, that love still there even after it was almost snatched away from him.

And then I’d tell him about the girl.

The one he’s madly, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with who flipped his world upside down. I’d tell him about the life they have, the quiet moments late at night when she tucks herself into his side and the louder, brighter ones during the day when she’s giving him shit and making him laugh. I’d mention how perfect she is. How patient and kind and funny she is, and how every time he’s with her, his broken pieces put themselves back together. Because she’s the closest thing to an angel he’ll ever find on earth.

“Thanks,” I croak. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“This shit is never easy. If you want to bounce any ideas off of me, I’m around.”

“What’s with this new hospitality of yours?”

“Don’t know, but don’t push your luck by mocking me, Mitchell.”

“I’d never.” I stand and hold out my hand, smiling when he shakes it. “I appreciate you, Coach. And everything you’ve done for me.”

“Enough with the dramatics. I have another meeting in ten minutes. Your time is up.”

“Yes sir.” I give him a nod and file into the hallway. I know Lexi’s in the athletic trainer’s room, and I make my way there.

I don’t know what the fuck to do about this job opportunity. On one hand, it’s the chance of a lifetime. I’ve always had an eye for good skating, and getting paid to watch hockey is a goddamn dream.

But accepting it means I’m not ever going to put on a jersey again. And, as far-fetched as the idea seems, I’ve been selfishly clinging to the idea of getting back out there one day, if even for a ceremonial puck drop.

I push the door open to the training room, covering my eyes when I see Liam’s bare ass climbing off the treatment table.

“Jesus, man. Put a fucking towel on,” I say.

“I’m getting treatment done on my sore body because everything fucking hurts, dickbag, not parading around for all the world to see.”

“Treatment on what? Your balls?”

“You’re lucky I don’t have a free hand right now,” he growls, and I peek through my fingers to find him glaring at me with a palm over his dick. “Or I’d have you against a wall.”

“I’m telling Piper about your violent tendencies,” I say, and his eyes go wide. “And then you’ll be in big trouble.”

“Are you two done acting like you’re five years old and on the playground?” Lexi draws out. “Liam, you’re finished. Go get in the ice bath. I don’t want your muscles to cramp up, and I’ve had enough of your hairy ass.”

“Fine,” he grumbles. “And my ass isn’t hairy.”

“It’s definitely hairy,” I say when he leaves, and Lexi smiles my way.

“Hey. How’d it go with Coach?”

“Interesting.” I sit on the treatment table next to her stool then think better of it, imagining Liam’s bare skin rubbing against the leather. “He told me Minnesota wants to set up an interview with me.”

“An interview? For what?”

“Their open scout position.”

“What?” She stands. “Riley that’s… wow. What did you say?”

“I said I’d have to think about it. There’s a lot to consider.”

“It sounds like an incredible opportunity.”

“Yeah.” I touch her cheek and stroke my thumb over her jaw. “But it would mean moving away from DC. Having to do long distance with you.”

“Oh.” Her smile drops to a frown, and she takes a step back. “Right.”

“I don’t have to decide anything now. I just wanted to tell you what was going on.”

“It would let you still be involved in the league.” Lexi starts to pace around the room. I can already feel her nervous energy radiating from her. “You’d have health insurance and benefits, which you’re going to need for caring for your prosthetic. That’s important.”

“You’re important too.”

“Come on.” Her laugh is brittle, sharp. “You can’t really be considering not taking a job because of me.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” I challenge. “You’re the most important thing in my life. DC is my home. You are my home.”

“This is your career we’re talking about, Riley! Your future! A chance to keep doing what you love without wondering if you’ll ever have a shot at making a team somewhere down the road.” She pauses and snaps her mouth shut for a beat. “You should do it. You should go.”

“Ah. I see what’s happening here.”

“Nothing is happening here.”

“Really?” I step toward her, not stopping until our chests are pressed together. “You’re not trying to push me away when things are getting serious between us? You’re not taking this as a sign I’m going to leave you and hurt you when I go, because everyone else has? You want to run because you’re scared. Because it’s never been like this for you before, and I get it. But guess what, Lexi? It doesn’t matter if I’m here, or if I’m in Minnesota, or any other fucking team in the league. I’m not letting you go even if you push back and try to tell me all the reasons I shouldn’t stay.”

“Why not?” Tears pool in her eyes, and she wipes her cheek. “Why are you different? Why should I believe you?”

“Because I love you ,” I tell her, and she freezes. Her shoulders shake, but I keep going. “I love you so much it fucking hurts , and I know that scares the shit out of you. It scares me too, because how can things be this fucking good with you when the rest of my life is in shambles?”

Her chest heaves. Her eyes are wet, and her mouth is halfway open, like she has something she wants to say.

“You want to know why I’ve had all those good days? Because you were there. Because I’ve been an idiotic, pathetic mess of a man since the first day I saw you. I can’t think straight when you’re around. I can’t walk right when you smile at me. I can’t… I can’t fucking breathe unless you’re looking at me. And everything in your past might have fallen apart, but we won’t. We can’t, because deep down, I know you love me too,” I say.

Lexi’s bottom lip quivers. “I-I need some air,” she whispers. “I need to get out of here.”

“If you want to run, I’ll chase you. If you want to build a wall to keep me out, I’ll climb it. If you need time, I’ll give it to you. I’m patient, Lexi. I’m going to be waiting for you when you come back. However long that takes.”

She touches my cheek with a soft graze of her fingers, and I melt. I don’t know whether it’s the last time I’ll get to feel her on my skin or the start of something new, so I savor it. I turn my cheek and kiss the center of her palm, the curve of her knuckles, and she pulls away.

“I love you,” I repeat, my voice hoarse and throat raw. It feels like I’ve been screaming underwater for hours. It also feels like someone is digging a screwdriver into my chest. “And I’m going to love you for as long as you’ll let me.”

I kiss her forehead and hop on the treatment table. I can’t be the one to leave. It has to be her, and with a heavy breath, she shuffles to the door. She wraps her fingers around the handle and looks back at me, something else on the tip of her tongue.

But she doesn’t say it. She disappears into the hall and I stay there, ready to wait for the rest of my life, if that’s what it takes.