Page 8 of Grumpy Pucking Orc (Orcs on Ice #1)

We all stared into our pint glasses with broody gazes. Even Eng seemed saddened by our mate-less fate. Their gloom and despair made me want to give them some hope to hold on to, even though revealing such personal feelings was uncharacteristic for me.

“When I met this human female tonight, I felt more than physical attraction,” I confessed. “I believe I may have felt the stirrings of a mate bond.”

They all jerked their heads to look at me.

“There is a human with orc blood in Baltimore?” Ugwyll’s voice rang with excitement.

“Are there more? Females who live here and have orc blood would not have died from the plague. If so, we could all possibly find true mates. But could we bring them home? I don’t want to experience the joy of a mate bond, only to possibly lose my wife to the plague when we returned. ”

“We’d need to stay here,” Eng gloomily announced. “I can’t stay here. I’m a very important orc, a son of the clan chieftain. A prince in my kingdom. I’m needed at home. I’m better off just grabbing a fertile human female than having to suffer through the loss of a part-orc mate.”

“I’d stay,” Bwat said. “As much as I dislike life here, I would stay if it meant I was able to bond for life with a female who had orc blood.”

“Is her skin green?” Ugwyll asked. “Green-tinged? Tiny tusks? Those back home with human blood in their veins are only slightly smaller than full-blooded orcs, so she must be larger than most human females.”

I finally managed to break into the conversation. “She does not appear to have any orc blood; she’s a human female.”

Silence fell once more.

“You think you felt a mate bond for a human female?” Bwat asked.

“How hard did you hit your head on the ice?” Eng scoffed.

“Not that hard,” I grumbled. “I’m sure?—”

“Maybe you confused lust for a mate bond.” Ugwyll reached down and adjusted his hand-axe through his pants. “Human females can be very enticing. Their lithe bodies, their tantalizing smell… I wonder about their tuskless mouths, and how that might feel?—”

“It was more than lust,” I snapped. “I’m sure?—”

“Bonded mates are orc-orc.” Bwat frowned. “This human female must be orc. An orc with a glamor to make her appear human? Although with our resistance to magic, I can’t see that ever working.”

“She is a human, and I am sure she is one hundred percent human. And I believe she may be my true mate.” I slugged down my beer and waved at the bartender for another.

“Even if she is not, I want her to be my wife. We will return home together, live out our long lives together, and have many orclets.”

I couldn’t hide my smile at the thought.

I’d built a den back home before leaving, intending to present it to my wife.

It was the traditional wedding gift from a male to his bride, and I’d carefully crafted every bit of the home, thinking the whole time about a contented wife and the rowdy, adorable children we’d raise together.

But Jordan… I’d expand the sitting room, add a second porch onto the back, build a detached kitchen for when the days grew too hot to cook in the house.

I’d save my earnings and buy the ve ry best furs, purchase anything that caught her eye, make myself available to satisfy her every whim.

Eng’s laughter broke through my happy thoughts.

“Does she know about this? Assuming this truly is a mate bond you feel, then who is to say a human female is even able to experience the same? You may forever be pining for a female who is not interested in being your wife, or one who never accepts the bond.”

“True.” Ugwyll nodded. “If she’s your mate, then you should grab her and race home as fast as you can.”

“Don’t give her a choice,” Eng added. “Once you’re home with her, she’ll have to accept you as her husband. She’ll have no other option.”

I glared at him. Eng was such an asshole.

The other orc claimed to be a king’s son from a different mountain range’s clan and acted as if he were better than the rest of us.

One day Eng would realize he was working the same job, living in the same sort of accommodations, and under the same restrictions as we were.

Here, no one gave a river rat’s ass whether Eng was a king’s son or a dung-pile turner.

“It would be dishonorable to break my vow, even though that promise was made to an angel and not another orc,” I told him.

“And I cannot abduct her. She is the female I want to make my bride. I could never do anything to cause her distress or harm her in any way. Besides, the human female in question has indicated she is open to my advances. She gave me a piece of paper with her name, title, and the location of her domicile. And she told me to meet her there Monday morning at the hour of eight.”

Bwat sucked in a breath. “In the morning ? At the hour of eight ? Whoa.”

I puffed my chest out. It was a promising situation.

“Good job.” Ugwyll punched me in the shoulder. “Figures you’d find a willing female first. Is she comely?”

I snarled at the other orc, ready to come to blows at the questioning of my true mate’s attractiveness.

Bwat put a hand on my arm. “Easy. We just want you to tell us of her beauty.”

Oh. Well, that was okay, then.

“My mate’s name is Jordan Schooner, and she holds a title of ‘Doctor’ among her people.

She is slight in build, but bold of character, with skin the color of foam on a dark beer, and eyes like storm-waters.

Her hair is the shade of oak-bark and sunshine, and her voice as soothing as Maxten song at night. ”

Bwat nodded approvingly. “Very poetic. Your mate sounds truly gorgeous.”

Eng snorted. “Not to me. ‘Bold of character’? She’s a shrew who will make your life a nightmare of arguments. I want a quiet, submissive woman who will do as I say.”

Ugwyll took a swig of his beer. “I don’t care either way as long as she can bear my children. I plan to have at least twelve and intend to have her checked before we wed to ensure her fitness for duty.”

Bwat glared at them both. “Ozar has the right idea. My mate must inspire me to song and poetry. She should be skilled in all forms of art and be able to garden. Our plants and flowers back home will be the envy of the clan, and we will entertain everyone with our duets on the famous orc battles of old.”

I kept quiet. Yesterday I would have agreed that a healthy, compatible bride was enough, but now I hoped for the love that only a mate bond could bring.

I wanted conceiving offspring to be more than a duty, more than just a physical pleasure.

I wanted my wife to yearn for my touch as much as I would yearn for hers.

I wanted my hand-axe to harden just thinking about her.

I wanted sex to strengthen our bond, not just to put a child in my female’s womb.

“You are meeting this female on Monday morning at her invitation? What are you going to bring her as your first gift?” Bwat asked.

“I’m not sure,” I confessed. “I spoke to Sizzle in the locker room tonight, and he suggested I give her a steak from the grocery store or a Starbucks gift card.”

“What in the name of every mountain god is a ‘Starbucks gift card’?” Ugwyll asked.

“Gift cards are a type of currency only exchangeable in certain stores. Humans find them an appropriate reciprocation for a kindness done to them, but I don’t believe it would be substantial enough to impress a human female that one is courting, let alone one who might possibly be a true mate,” Bwat said, reaffirming my decision that he was the correct one to ask about how to woo human females.

“A steak? From a grocery store?” Eng’s eyebrows shot up.

“Maybe a slab of meat if you actually killed the beast yourself. Even then, presenting the entire animal would be a better choice. Always go overboard on gifts to show that you are not only serious about making her your bride, but that you have the skill and riches to provide for her.”

“I agree.” I shrugged. “But there are no large beasts nearby for me to slay, and my meeting with her is Monday morning. That gives me tomorrow to procure something, and I doubt I could locate a large beast within the city of Baltimore to kill in that timeframe. What would make a suitable first gift for a human female that I can acquire by tomorrow night?”

“Jewelry. Or clothing,” Eng suggested.

“I could research what sorts of jewelry or clothing human females find appealing,” Bwat said. “But it’s a risk. She might have particular tastes, and the gift might not gain her favor.”

“I think it might be too early in my courting for such a gift anyway,” I said. Although it might be a good idea to have Bwat do this research for a future gift.

“How about food prepared by you and fed to your intended by hand,” Ugwyll suggested. “That is how my father wooed my mother. Good food that is hand-fed shouldn’t fail to please even the most selective of females.”

I frowned. “What if I choose a food she does not like?”

Eng shrugged. “Then feed it to her anyway. Forcibly if need be. Hold her down. Human females must be provided suitable nourishment, whether they want it or not.”

“Maybe I should give her a knife? Or a mace?” I suggested, thinking that Jordan might appreciate a well-crafted weapon, although I doubted I’d be able to make one by Monday morning.

Bwat tapped his lower lip. “What does she enjoy? I know you have only just met her, but what are your first impressions?”

I thought for a moment. I didn’t know much about her yet. She was beautiful. My hand-axe wanted to bury itself in her warmth. She had a small transportation vehicle that was blue. She was kind, concerned about my missing teeth and the injury to my tusk?—

“She is very interested in teeth,” I said.

The other orcs put down their beers and stared at me.

“Teeth?” Ugwyll finally asked.

“She collects them as trophies and wears them as a necklace?” Eng nodded approvingly. “She is truly a warrior and a good match for you. Perhaps a longer chain or a second one to display her growing collection? ”

I hadn’t seen a necklace of trophies around Jordan’s neck, and surely if that was something of importance to her, she would proudly display them every time she left her home.

“I believe she has great concern that humans and orcs retain their teeth,” I finally said. “She was upset that I had lost two teeth in tonight’s game and asked me to find them if I could. I believe she intends on creating new teeth for me in place of the ones I lost.”

I didn’t say anything about my tusk, because some things were not meant to be shared with others, even if these males were the only other orcs in the city.

“That is quite the magic,” Ugwyll said in an awed tone of voice. “Creating new teeth? You truly have found a valuable mate, Ozar.”

“She wanted you to find your lost teeth?” Eng asked. “Perhaps that is her way of hinting to you about a suitable gift. She wants to keep them. And I cannot think of any reason a female would want an orc’s teeth unless she had romantic feelings toward him.”

I patted my pocket where I’d stuck the teeth. Should I string them on a chain for Jordan to wear?

“Human gifts are given in festively wrapped boxes tied with bright ribbons,” Bwat informed us all before turning toward me. “There are some boxes, paper, and supplies in the closet in the coach’s office.”

“We have a coach?” Ugwyll asked.

No, we did not have a coach, but we did indeed have a coach’s office with a thin layer of dust on the desk.

“If she finds the teeth a suitable gift, and indicates she is interested in me as a potential husband, should I follow up with an offer for dinner? Or perhaps I should give her an enemy’s head on a pike?” I asked.

“I vote for the head-on-a-pike,” Eng said.

“I’m voting for the Starbucks gift card,” Ugwyll chimed in.

“I think you should wait until after you meet her Monday to decide on your next gift,” Bwat said. “You will have learned more about her likes and dislikes, and perhaps she will subtly hint at an appropriate next gift, like she did with the teeth.”

I considered the options, finally deciding to go with Bwat’s suggestion. Although I might just stop by a Starbucks and pick up a gift card, just in case.