Page 7 of Grumpy Pucking Orc (Orcs on Ice #1)

Ozar

I watched Jordan leave, then I went back into the stadium, strategizing my plan of attack.

Could she really be my true mate?

Did humans feel the mate bond like orcs did?

If not, I’d need to plan my wooing very carefully to make sure I didn’t lose her to another.

I’d been told stories of how orcs had won their mates, but those had been orc females, and those females had felt the mating bond connection just as strongly as their partners.

It would be a challenge for me to win Jordan over—especially since I knew so little about human females and human mating customs.

And I could be wrong. I’d never experienced a mate bond, and while this had felt like what those in my clan had described, it might just be simple lust. Either way, I wanted to explore these sudden emotions, wanted to see if what I’d felt when Jordan stepped close to me and touched my tusk lasted beyond tonight.

Even if this wasn’t a mate bond, I was still attracted to her.

From what I could tell in those brief minutes, I liked her.

And that was enough for me to commit to wooing her.

I needed a wife, and I had no doubt that Jordan would make me happy as we went through our lives together.

But how to woo her?

The two months I’d been here had been spent getting used to things like banking, public transit, and what humans considered crimes.

We’d all been focused on learning English, knowing that not only would we need it to navigate this world while we remained here, but we’d also need to be able to speak to our potential brides.

I hadn’t had time to delve into common human habits or their wooing customs, so I’d need to learn quickly to make sure I didn’t screw this up.

And then there was sex.

Did human females like the same things as orcs?

I knew the nuts and bolts of the process were the same, but the rest of it was a mystery.

I’d heard enough conversations to have determined that human females, just like orc females, had sex prior to marriage—most likely as part of their selection criteria.

The thought made me break out in a sweat.

What if I didn’t please Jordan? Releasing my seed in her would cement the mating bond for me—if there even was a mate bond.

But if I failed to impress her with my prowess and she left my bed for another, more skilled male, I would be crushed.

And there was the question of whether I could even coax her to lay with me. I’d need to impress her long before I invited her to my furs. And I hadn’t the foggiest idea how to do that.

Thoughts of my failure filled my mind. Sweat broke out on my forehead, and rage filled my heart at the thought of losing Jordan to another.

I prided myself on my control and dismissed the idea that I might harm Jordan or her chosen partner if I failed.

Although the thought of her with another did bring up violent thoughts.

I’d just have to make sure I did everything correctly in wooing her, and that she found the sex beyond reproach.

Everything needed to be beyond reproach.

Thankfully, the Zamboni machine hadn’t swept the ice yet, and I quickly found my two missing teeth. Then I headed into the locker room, looking for my teammates. As embarrassing as this situation was, I needed advice.

I especially needed Bwat to recommend materials to study on courting and sexually pleasing human females.

Bwat had been the one who’d learned the spoken and written English the fastest, and he’d been devouring written materials and video programs in his spare time.

Among the orcs on the team, Bwat was considered the expert on humans and life here in their realm.

The locker room was empty except for Sizzle. The slight demon was our equipment manager, and he was currently sorting through hockey sticks, muttering about the damage they’d suffered as a result of tonight’s game. I put my skates in front of my locker and eyed the demon.

Sizzle wasn’t a human, but demons had been living here far longer than I had, and the equipment manager might have good insights into how I should woo my mate.

I sat down next to the demon, who ignored me. “I have found a human female that I want to marry. I wish to make her mine,” I announced.

“Congratulations. Good for you.”

Sizzle’s monotone drawl sent the very clear message that he wanted me to go away, but I knew the value of perseverance. Wearing down an opponent with strength and stamina worked in battle, and there was no reason to think it wouldn’t work in conversation as well.

“I need advice on courting human females,” I continued. “ When wooing female orcs, we slay beasts and present them as gifts or build homes to entice them to accept our marriage offer.”

The demon put down the stick he was looking over and turned to me, a glimmer of interest in his dark eyes.

“Same with demons. Well, except the house thing. Bring them food and the head of their enemy on a pike. Sometimes the head serves as food, which is a win-win situation. Less effort, double the impact.”

I frowned. “I do not know who her enemies are, and I fear murdering a random human for a trophy gift would offend. What if I accidentally kill one of her clansmen? Or a family member?”

Sizzle grunted. “Yeah. Most demons wouldn’t care about that, but humans are stupidly sentimental about their families.”

I’d be upset if someone killed a clansman as well, so we and the humans agreed on this point.

“There are not many beasts in Baltimore to kill,” I complained. “Gifting a squirrel or one of the birds that eats crumbs from the sidewalk does not seem like it would impress a female.”

“You’re right,” Sizzle agreed. “Lots of humans hunt, but all the larger animals are outside the city. Except for the zoo, that is, and humans get really pissed off when you kill one of those animals. Trust me, I know. You’re probably better off buying her a steak from the grocery store.

Or a gift card from Starbucks. Human women love their coffee. ”

I nodded slowly, thinking that I’d need to look up the definition of “gift card” later.

I’d seen the Starbucks businesses and also enjoyed the human coffee beverage, so that might be a good option.

Buying a steak at the grocery store for her seemed like it would get me labeled as a poor hunter, and I didn’t want that.

Thanking the demon for his help, I showered, changed, and went in search of my teammates. I found some of them down the street at a local food establishment that had proven to be hospitable to orcs.

Eng, Bwat, and Ugwyll were all at the bar, each holding a large mug of beer. They were the only ones seated there, with the human customers huddled at tables as far away from the bar as they could get.

The wait staff didn’t seem to mind us orcs.

A bearded male human bartender gave me a wave and began pouring me a mug of the dark beer I enjoyed.

A human waitress with short, spiked pink hair and a pierced nose smiled at me as she walked by with a plate full of food.

Careful not to get too close to the nervous human customers, I made my way to the bar and sat down beside Bwat.

“What took you so long?” Ugwyll asked. “We put in an order for snack-tizers because we’re starving and didn’t want to wait.”

“I went outside and spoke with a human child. Then I met the female I intend to marry.”

Eng saluted me with his beer. “Does she have any sisters or friends you could introduce me to?”

Not if he were the last orc male alive. Eng was an entitled, pompous jerk. If Jordan had any friends or sisters, I’d make sure Eng never met them.

“So, when are you leaving with your new bride?” Bwat asked.

I squirmed. “I have to court her first. You are the one who warned me that I shouldn’t propose right away, so I intend to woo her for at least a week before discussing marriage. ”

“Pfft.” Eng scowled. “Courting? Human females? Just grab her and haul her back home. Slap some of that goose-tape on her mouth first so the other humans don’t hear her screaming and shoot you or alert the angels.”

“It’s called duct tape,” Bwat told him.

“You can try to kidnap your bride, but from what I’ve seen of human females, I don’t want to have an angry, unwilling bride in my bed. We’ve got to rest sometime, and I have no doubt she would stab me in my sleep,” I said.

“Not if you tie her up before you slumber,” Ugwyll told me.

I was not going to tie Jordan up. Unless she liked that sort of thing. Then I’d absolutely tie her up.

We drank our beers in silence. The snack-tizers came. Once all the wings and tots and poppers had been consumed, I broached the topic that had been occupying my mind since I’d first seen Jordan in that parking lot.

“Do you think it’s possible to have a mate bond with a human female?” I asked.

Bwat regarded me with sympathy, patting my shoulder. “None of us will ever experience a mate bond. We can only hope to have a satisfying marriage with a human female and know that our children may be able to find a true mate of their own.”

“The orcs who have human blood in their veins were able to have a mate bond. We can breed with humans. We can have loving partnerships with humans. Perhaps a mate bond isn’t out of the question,” I argued.

Ugwyll frowned. “Orcs in the past have brought home human wives when they came here to plunder and raid. If it were possible, wouldn’t some of them have experienced a mate bond with their human spouses?”

No one had an answer to that. We had historical texts, but they didn’t detail the marital life of orcs. And no one living during my lifetime had ever had a human wife, although several of my friends back home had known a human grandmother.