Page 45 of Grumpy Pucking Orc (Orcs on Ice #1)

Ozar

T he following week went by in a blur. I spent every night with Jordan. Sometimes we joined her friends for dinner, and sometimes we ate only with each other. There were nights when she stayed at my apartment for the night, and nights when I slept at her house.

Unable to tolerate the lack of furs on her bed, I had asked Bwat for assistance and had a fifty-pound box of assorted pelts delivered to her house.

These were much nicer than the odd-smelling ones I’d purchased at the Home Store for my own bed, and it had given me great satisfaction to place the red, gray, black, and white pelts of various textures throughout her house.

Judy had approved, making happy chirp noises and kneading her claws in the long hair of the ones draped across the back of Jordan’s couches.

Jordan had seemed somewhat shocked when she’d returned to see my gift, but had let them remain in place, admitting that the furs were soft and warm, if not really her style of decor.

While my wooing was hitting new heights, the Tusks were on a descending trajectory straight to hell.

Everyone was disheartened after Friday night’s game, and I was lucky if three orcs showed up for morning practices.

Ugwyll was the only one who consistently joined me on the ice, and I’d taken to running through the Baltimore streets alone.

Normally the disintegration of the team would have infuriated me, but thankfully I knew I’d only need to endure it another month or so, then Jordan and I would return to my clan, where I wouldn’t have to deal with such humiliating defeats or a team that wouldn’t follow my lead.

“Good skating today.” Ugwyll clapped a hand on my shoulder as we walked into the locker room. Eng had arrived but was dozing on a bench. Bwat was sorting through a box of books. Five other orcs were playing a dice game in a corner.

I grunted, glaring at the others. I might be leaving soon, but that didn’t make their indifference sting any less.

“How is the wooing going?” Bwat smiled up at me from the box of books. “Are you to be wed soon?”

I plopped down on a bench. “I believe I am ready to ask Jordan to be my wife. But I don’t want to approach this without thought and consideration.

How do human women like a proposal of marriage to proceed?

Should I set a tree on fire, prepare an offering of gold and incense, and hand-feed her pickled Xlinea ? ”

Eng nodded approvingly, but Bwat winced.

“What do you suggest?” I asked Bwat, because I valued his opinion far more than I did Eng’s.

“I have read of many human proposals, and the most popular ones seem to involve asking the female while at a sporting event with the request to marry projected on the large screens so that all the attendees can witness the joyous event. ”

I shuddered at the thought of such a public spectacle. Besides, the only sporting event Jordan seemed to attend was our hockey games, and it wouldn’t be easy to orchestrate a proposal while I was on the ice and she was in the stands.

“In addition, human proposals involve gifting the female a ring with a large high-value rock,” Bwat added. “You’re supposed to lie down on the ground when presenting the ring. That way, the female knows you are not a threat to them.”

“Jordan knows I am not a threat to her,” I told him.

Eng shrugged. “Sometimes these things become tradition and continue to be done even if the original reason is no longer an issue.”

Bwat nodded. “Like the white dresses human females wear during the marriage ceremony. It is supposed to indicate virginity, but modern human females like to test the virility of their potential mates and ensure they can perform to their satisfaction before they bind themselves in marriage.”

“It’s a good practice,” I said. “I was happy to show Jordan how I would devote myself to her pleasure.” I assumed I should also show her I was sensitive to human culture and traditions. “A ring. A prostrate position while proposing. Is there anything else I should know about?”

“The element of surprise is important,” Bwat continued. “Some males hide the ring in food items, then propose when the female uncovers it.”

“She might chip a tooth,” I argued, horrified at the idea. “Jordan takes the care of teeth very seriously, and I don’t think she would appreciate that sort of proposal.”

“What if she swallowed the ring?” Eng asked. “It would be difficult to propose with the ring in her stomach. You’d need to make her throw it up, or sort through her excrement for the next few days.”

Ugwyll shuddered. “Neither of those options sound appealing.”

No, they did not sound appealing. “I think I will just do the basics,” I decided.

“Will you hold the exchange of vows here or back home?” Eng asked me.

I frowned in thought. “Jordan has many friends and family here, and I know she will want them to be present. Perhaps we can have two ceremonies—one here and one when we return home.”

Bwat nodded. “And excellent idea. Expect her to want several of her closest friends to stand next to her in lavish dresses as she delivers her vows. And you will be expected to have an equal number of your friends next to you as well.”

“I’m not wearing a dress, no matter how lavish it is,” Ugwyll informed me.

“The males wear suits made of penguins,” Bwat told him. “It’s a bird, so I guess the suits will be feathered, although they all seem to be black and white.”

Humans were so strange.

“I’ll wear feathers,” Ugwyll grudgingly agreed.

“After the ceremony, all the guests join together to feast and dance and drink to the point of excessive inebriation,” Bwat continued.

“I’ll absolutely wear feathers if there’s a feast involved,” Eng said.

“You and Jordan will receive many gifts of toasters and Instant Pots, which you can promptly return for cash.”

“I think you should keep these gifts,” Eng informed me. “An excess of toasters and Instant Pots must be the way humans show their wealth. You could display them in your home to show visitors how important you are.”

“Traditionally, her family pays for the feast, but in the newer generations, the male and female often contribute significantly, if not entirely, for the festivities. The male’s family usually pays for a dinner following a rehearsal of the vow ceremony, and the male pays for the honeymoon.”

All the orcs, including me, were intrigued. “What is a honeymoon?” I asked. It sounded like one of those fancy cakes or cookies that Jordan was always buying for me to try.

Bwat’s smile was smug. “A trip somewhere interesting for a week or two where the married couple have copious amounts of sexual intercourse.”

Eng snorted. “Why do they have to go on a trip for that? They can have two weeks of sexual intercourse in the male’s den.”

“And why does it need to be an interesting locale?” Ugwyll asked. “If they intend on remaining in the furs for two weeks, how will they ever know if something outside of their room is interesting or not?”

Bwat shrugged. “I don’t believe human males are as virile as orc males. Perhaps they need breaks and use sightseeing and shopping as a way to keep their females from becoming bored while they recover.”

All of us immediately made comments about how we would not require such diversions.

“We will return home immediately after our wedding, so perhaps a honeymoon would not be necessary,” I mused.

“I would recommend a short honeymoon at least,” Bwat said. “You will be living with your clan, so it does not count as a new and interesting place. Plus, you will both want to have lots of time in your furs before traveling. ”

True. The very thought had my hand-axe twitching.

“There are some places in Baltimore that would provide a suitable honeymoon spot,” Bwat added. “They will bring you all the food and beverages you wish, so you do not even have to leave the furs. And the view out the window from the bed is very romantic if you book the correct room.”

It was an excellent idea. First step was to get a suitable ring. The next step was to propose before I needed to leave for our away games. Then Jordan would plan our wedding while I found an appropriate local room and a dining area for our vow-rehearsal dinner.

And then we would go home to live with my clan and build our family. We might only have one or two orclets, but I’d be with Jordan for the rest of my life and whatever offspring we had would be loved beyond all measure.

I t ended up being far more difficult to find a ring than I had thought.

The first store was insistent that I purchase a thin gold band with a large clear stone, stating that this was the classic engagement ring.

It might have been traditional among humans, but even though the stone sparkled, the lack of color made it feel empty and devoid of emotion.

The second store steered me toward a series of giant cluster rings so big that I wasn’t sure Jordan would be able to use her finger while wearing it.

“I need to propose before we leave on Thursday, but I can’t find a suitable ring,” I complained to Sizzle, who was the only one in the locker room Wednesday afternoon.

The demon grunted, which I’d come to learn meant he wasn’t listening .

“Those clear stones are soulless, no matter how much they sparkle,” I added, thinking that such a bland stone would never convey the depth of my love for Jordan.

“Humans like them because they’re the most expensive of the gems. And clear stones go with everything. Human women like to color coordinate, and colored gems in a ring they’re supposed to wear for the rest of their life would limit their clothing choices.”

Huh. I guess the demon was listening after all.

“Is there another choice that isn’t so…bland?” I asked Sizzle.