Page 19 of Gin & Sin (Last Call #2)

NINETEEN

KIT

I can’t believe I’m on the verge of saying words out loud that have haunted me for years. I haven’t told a soul. Not my family and not the guys. Not even Indy. I could never bring myself to do it, even when I wanted so desperately to be understood and comforted. Now I’m about to pour my heart out to a man I barely know, but there’s just something about Stewart that feels safe.

He’s gazing at me with the kindest eyes and softest smile, comforting me without saying a word. Having him here in my space, in my bed, is nice. Better than nice.

“Want to move to the couch?” I ask.

Stewart nods, standing and drawing my attention to his naked form. For a moment, all my chaotic thoughts about the past decade fade into the background as desire floods my body, desperate for another taste of this gorgeous man.

I shake my head to push the clouds of lust away as I follow him. There will be plenty of time for sex, but the need to get this off my chest is more pressing.

Stewart settles in a corner of the couch, tucking his legs under him. I pull the throw blanket off the back and cover his lap even though I don’t want to. I sit close by, draping the remainder of the blanket over my own lap.

We sit in silence while I conjure the nerve to spill. Stewart’s presence is warm and steady, wrapping me in his non-judgmental energy.

“Okay, so after college I moved to California. I was pumped to try life on a different coast where the weather was warm. I had a good opportunity to make decent starting money. My uncle owns a gaming company.”

Stewart nods, indicating he’s listening.

“Needless to say, the other coders weren’t too excited about having a nepo baby on board, so even though my uncle didn’t treat me differently, they were convinced I was a mole. They gave me all the shit projects to do, hoping I would fail.”

I play with the fringe on the edge of the blanket.

“But I had too much to prove and too much arrogance to give in. I worked my ass off. I made contacts all over the world to figure it out, and I resolved two of the seven outstanding projects. I thought they would respect me, you know?”

“They didn’t?”

“No. Made it worse. They whispered that my uncle did it or I paid someone else to unlock it. They resented the attention I got for solving two broken codes that had been collecting dust for years. They weren’t even active games anymore. It was busy work for a newbie.”

Dragging my hand through my beard, I gaze off as memories of those humiliating days come back like sheets of heavy rain.

“My uncle told me it was like that for all the new coders. A type of initiation, if you will. But, man, I didn’t handle it well. I started to drink too much to cope, and when that didn’t help, I smoked a ton of weed. That didn’t help either.”

When I look back at Stewart, his expression has shifted into one of concern. With his brow creased and a slight frown, he rubs my knee.

“I can hold my liquor,” I continue. “Overusing substances wasn’t dulling the ache at all. So I went on a sex spree. For almost a year, I fucked every person in my path who said yes.”

I want to look away from his accepting eyes, but his gaze feels too good. Too warm.

“You didn’t hurt anyone, right?”

“No. All my partners wanted to, but I didn’t see them as people, you know? I saw them as…” I shrug. “Means to an end? It sounds so shallow now. I expected to walk into this job and dazzle everyone with my youthful energy and modern skill set, but I was just another guy. I was lonely without my friends, and my uncle kept his distance to avoid negative perceptions.”

Stewart nods. “That’s a lot at a young age.”

“I guess. It gets worse though. I had a pregnancy scare with this woman I had been with a few times. She was intent on keeping it, and here I was, this twenty-six-year-old kid facing being a dad. That drove my sex drive into the ditch. It was a false alarm, but what a fucking wake-up call.”

“Yikes.”

“I swore off sex.” I chuckle darkly. “But I needed an outlet. I started online gambling.” A flash of heat floods my body and I clear my throat. “That’s where things really went off the rails.”

“What do you mean?”

“It felt so safe at first. No substances to fuck with my head. No other humans to risk life-altering events with. Just me and my phone or my computer and a friendly round of poker or blackjack. Eventually, it bled into my work life. I was staying up too late and missing my alarms. I was missing details because I was tired.”

“Oh, Kit.”

“This went on for years, spiraling until I was deep in a hole of my own digging. My performance was suffering. I was on the verge of eviction because I was spending so much on online games, I was behind in my rent. I was rail thin because I was so caught up in it that I wasn’t eating. My uncle noticed and called my parents. Next thing I know, I’m on leave and attending a program.”

“Holy Hemingway,” Stewart whispers, bringing a slight smile to my face.

“Yeah. I’m thankful as fuck for that. Who even knows where I’d be if it wasn’t for them.”

We’re both quiet for a few moments until Stewart says, “You don’t need to feel shame for that.”

I nod, setting my jaw. “I… I hurt people. Lots of people. My parents gave me a huge loan so I could start climbing out of the hole I’d made. Then my uncle’s business got bought out and even though I had a position in the new company, I was demoted. That happened again and again, and I never gained the recognition or position I wanted. I spent nearly twenty years running in mud.”

I blow out a breath.

“The part that sucks the most though, is that I knew I would fail. It’s all I’ve ever heard from teachers, other adults, even my parents in a way.”

“No.”

I huff a dark chuckle. “There was one person I dated who mattered to me. It wasn’t love, but it was…” I pause, searching for words. “I wanted him to see me. Really see me. Everyone else, rightfully so, saw me as the fuckboi I was. No substance, nothing to offer but a good face and a decent dick.”

“Kit…”

“It’s fine. That’s all I wanted, except with him. It’s hard to describe. It’s not like I suddenly wanted to settle down or fall in love, but I wanted to be wanted for something more, I guess.”

“You wanted his validation.”

My breath hitches as the truth hits me. “Yeah. I think that’s it.”

“What’s his name?”

“Christian. He was ten years younger and managed to stomp all over me.”

“How?”

“I met him at a bar one night. He danced there, and I was absolutely mesmerized the second I saw him. I had an unhealthy obsession with twinks. The prettier and meaner they were, the better.”

Stewart offers a slight smile.

“We fucked in the dressing room that night, which was something I wasn’t used to.”

“What? The public part?”

“No, going straight to anal when you don’t even know someone. But Christian was pure sex. To date, the horniest guy I’ve ever known.”

I avoid Stewart’s eyes for this next part.

“It was nonstop. We got it on daily, everywhere we could get our hands on each other. Slowly, my world began revolving around him. He was so cold to me, so distant and dismissive. I craved his moans and pleas to make him come. It felt like I was the only person who could unravel him like that and see behind his icy exterior.” I shake my head at the bitter memories. “But I never even saw a crack. I convinced myself I was more to him than I was.”

“What happened?”

“I tried to lock him down. I wanted to be the only one for him. The deadly sin was when I told him how I felt about him. I never declared love or anything that insane, but I wanted him all for myself.”

My chest tightens with the humiliating memories flowing through me. Even my eyes sting with the threat of tears.

“Then what?” Stewart asks, touching my hand.

“Remember what I said earlier? How sometimes people say things that live in your head no matter what you do?”

“Yes.”

“Christian’s words live there. He was brutal. He shredded every ounce of confidence I had, and he enjoyed it. He emotionally eviscerated me.” I have to blow out a shaky breath to choke back my emotions. “He made it very clear that I was nothing and no one to him, and a guy like me could never aspire to keep a man like him. All I was to him was good dick. He reminded me that he never ate with me or stayed over or took me anywhere. He never introduced me to people he knew, and he never asked about my life. I wasn’t wealthy enough. Or successful enough. Or polished enough. I wasn’t someone he would date. I was just a dick. I worshipped him, and he liked that.”

“Fucking hell, Kit. That’s terrible.”

“Christian enjoyed tearing me down. For weeks after that night, he sent me pics of him on actual dates with men he deemed better than me. He sent me pics of him in his pretty lingerie, pics of his gorgeous body, videos of him pleasuring himself, all to taunt me because I didn’t have access to him anymore.”

“Jesus. That’s evil.”

“It is, yeah. I guess what sucked most is that I believed him. He reinforced the messages I’d been getting my whole life. I went to Willow Bay because my parents felt like it might help me at least get a foot in the door, because what else did I have? I was always the fun guy, the good-looking guy, the great in bed guy, but I was never the smart guy, the successful one, the keeper.”

Stewart squeezes my hand, his expression bordering on distraught.

“So I leaned into that image. After Christian is when it all began. Work got harder and I fucked my way through the night scene, desperate to feel like I had something to offer. At least I could make someone come, right?”

“Oh, Kit…”

“I’m not a take-him-home-to-meet-the-parents kind of guy. I’m not worthy of anything like that. I’m a guy you can fuck for a few months until you’re ready for something real and substantial. Or until you’re bored or see another guy with a good face and a nice dick.”

With his brow creased, Stewart scoots closer. “Is that all you want to be?”

“I don’t fucking know anymore. When Indy called and suggested we move back here and open a bar, it felt like a lifeline. Like a way out of the shit stew my life had become.”

“Does it still feel like that?”

“Yes. I’m more myself here. The guys ground me, and I have a chance to erase the failures of the past.”

“But?”

I focus on his eyes, so full of warmth and openness. Something about him makes the words flow easily.

“I started up again, you know? Hooking up constantly. But I hit a wall pretty quickly. The whole college twink fest isn’t doing it for me like it used to. Indy falling in love shifted my reality.”

“How so?”

“He’s the ultimate fuckboi. I mean, he was. His reputation was infamous, and he never even kind of wanted to settle down. He loved his life how it was. And then Salem walked in the door and that was it. He gave it all up because he finally met his person.”

“And how did that change things for you?”

I lean back against the couch, rubbing my feet against his under the blanket. “Honestly?”

Stewart nods. “Please.”

These are words I’ve hardly admitted to myself, but fuck, I want to say them to Stewart.

“It gave me hope. Hope that maybe there’s a person out there for me who could make me want to give all this up.”

“You don’t sound like you want to hang on to life as it’s been.”

I huff a laugh. “You’re right. I’m not being fully vulnerable.”

“If you want to now, with me, I won’t judge you.”

“I know.” I drag my hand through my hair.

Gazing into Stewart’s eyes is so calming, like getting a huge bear hug from your favorite person or a cozy blanket on a cold day. Welp, here goes.

“I guess what I really hope is that there’s someone who could erase what Christian and so many others like him have said. Someone who believes I have more to offer than…” I shrug.

“A nice face and good dick?”

“Yeah.” I laugh in a failed attempt to brush off the embarrassment and shame spreading through me. “Fuck.”

“You didn’t feel like you could tell your best friends all of this?”

“I know they’d accept me. It’s not that. They would worry and focus on me, and maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t want them to know how weak I’ve been. I don’t want to change their perception of me.”

“Aww, Kit. You want them to believe you’re eternally twenty-two? That you’ve never grown emotionally or matured? They have, haven’t they?”

“In some ways, yeah, but in others, we all feel the same as we did. That’s why we still click after all these years.”

“That’s not why,” he says, smiling softly. “You click because of the shared values and the foundation you have. Real friends evolve with each other, and I’m sure there are ways in which you’ve all changed, but it doesn’t matter. You love each other, and with love comes acceptance, warts and all.”

A surge of hope blooms in my chest. “You think?”

“I’d even bet they’re more aware than you give them credit for.”

“Maybe.” I lift his hand and brush it against my lips. “The night you walked in shifted things again. I told you before that I was burned out, even a little bored, and your energy was so appealing. I couldn’t have stayed away if I’d tried.”

He smiles as his cheeks turn pink. “Meeting you definitely shifted things for me too. I don’t know you that well, but I know you’re much more than your exterior. You’ve managed to maintain five friendships for nearly twenty years. You pulled yourself out of a dark place and you’re rebuilding now. That’s brave. You stepped out of your comfort zone to take a chance on me, an older guy who’s never been a twink.”

“I’m not an idiot. You’re gorgeous and sweet and so damn tasty.”

He chuckles. “Tasty?”

“Mm-hmm. Every time I see you, I want to lick you.”

A teasing smile plays on his lips. “Can’t you see what’s going on here, Kit? You’ve been walking around thinking all you had to offer was your looks and your body, and I’ve been thinking the exact opposite. All I had was my brain and my stability. I thought I’d have such a hard time finding a guy who wanted to give me a chance, but it’s you. You think I’m amazing and sexy and you want to have sex with me.”

“All the time. Even now.” I rub his hand against my growing bulge. “Constantly.”

Stewart shifts so he can move across the couch and settle on my lap, straddling my hips. I run my hands down his bare back to rest them on the curve of his ass.

“I want that too, but…” He pauses, and I’d swear I see insecurity flash in his eyes.

“What?”

“I don’t want to ruin whatever this is by saying too much too soon, but I like spending time with you. Upright, non-sexual time. You’re interesting. You’re… kind. You’ve been hiding behind this detached sex god persona, but there’s more beneath the surface, and I’m intrigued by it.”

His comment stirs something in me, a twinge of emotions and desires I don’t let myself feel. At least not yet.

“I don’t want to ruin this either. I like being around you.” I cup his chin, brushing my thumb over his thick stubble. “Thank you for giving me the space to talk about that stuff. In a weird way, it feels good that someone knows. Someone besides me.”

“I’m honored. Is there anything I can do to support you?”

“Nah, I’m good now. I manage my alcohol fine and smoke occasionally, but I’m in a good place. I’m aware of my addictive tendencies and I’ve developed methods to pull myself back.”

“Like?”

“Meditation. Mindfulness. Turning inward to see what hole I’m trying to fill. It works, but if you ever see me trying to gamble, feel free to punch me.”

Stewart smiles. “I’m sure we can find nonviolent ways to redirect.” His smile fades as he grips my arm. “Your friends should know though. In case things change in the future. They should know how to help.”

I nod, knowing he’s right but terrified by the idea of telling the guys. “Yeah, maybe.” I kiss his palm. “Well, that was pretty heavy shit.”

He nods.

“Have I earned another exploration of your body?”

Stewart visibly shivers and clears his throat. “It’s an open invitation.”

“Good. It’s a cold, snowy day, but I have quite a few ideas on how to stay warm.”

“Please.”

I pull Stewart up by his wrist, stepping close enough to bury my nose in the crook of his neck. He practically melts into me, his hands sliding down my back.

“What can I give you today, gorgeous?”

Stewart’s breath hitches as he steps back, gazing at me with earnest eyes. “I want to eat your ass.”

“God, I love when you talk like that.”