Page 5 of Flock Around and Find Out (Flocking It Up #3)

I wanted to kill him.

Sure, I had that feeling a lot, a general desire to rid myself of annoyances that bothered me, but it was usually less intense.

With Knot, though, I had no question, especially after he’d yet again pulled me through my dream to somewhere.

I wanted him gone. Out of my life, out of my head, out of this entire universe.

“You shouldn’t frown like that,” he said.

“Why, wrinkles?”

“No. I have a thing for wrinkles, actually. What can I say? Older women are hot. It just scrunches up your eyes and makes it harder to see dangers.”

Just as he told me that, my foot caught an uneven piece of sidewalk and I pitched forward. I’d have hit the ground if not for Knot grabbing me in an easy grip, pulling me against him to save me.

Fine, that was impressive.

He smirked, telling me he knew it, damn it. If anyone didn’t need their ego stroked, it was this asshole.

“Last time I saw you, you were running like something was after you.”

“Something’s always after me. If I stopped living just because of that, I’d never get anything done.”

“You get things done?” I pulled away from him to stand on my own.

“Of course, important things.” He tucked his hands into his pockets as we walked side by side.

Where were we? Everyone spoke English around us, which made it a rare visit. Knot tended to pick other counties, but the accents told me it was somewhere in America. A long street was in the center of the town, and people wore cowboy hats. That gave me some suspicions.

Then I spotted the thing that nailed in where we were. A large pen of longhorns sat at the end of the street, and I recalled the cattle drives down in Texas. Where was it?

“Dallas Forth Worth,” Knot said. “I like to eat barbecue here.”

“That seems a bit rude, don’t you think? I mean, you sit here and eat cow in front of cows?”

Knot bumped his arm against mine. “You know, I find it so charming how na?ve you can be. It’s cute and rare, especially after everything you’ve been through. Come on, let’s go to this place I know. They put the food on a huge tray and you’ll have never tasted anything so good.”

As twisted as it might have been, I had to admit, the food was good. I wasn’t sure how I could even taste it, given I wasn’t actually here.

Not that that mattered to Knot. He’d asked for a table for two, despite the way the server had given him a strange look and asked if the other person was coming.

Knot had smiled and not addressed the question, as though it hadn’t mattered. He’d ordered two meals, two drinks, all of it. I’d been able to interact with the items, but no one seemed to notice, which made me suspect the food wasn’t floating in the air.

In short?

I was again made aware of the fact that while I still wasn’t sure who or what Knot actually was, he sure as fuck was powerful.

Is he a god?

The idea hit me from time to time, but I just couldn’t accept it. It didn’t seem possible. The idea of gods walking among us was strange enough, but this was Knot we were talking about. He hardly seemed competent enough to be considered one.

And I still hadn’t accepted the idea that gods were a thing. People made their own stories up, promoted powerful creatures to godhood in their myths to make sense of the world.

People had done it with vampires and werewolves, in fact, had elevated them and worshipped them. I could only assume Knot—and anything else someone called a god—was the same sort of thing.

“You were right,” I admitted about halfway through the quiet meal. “It is good. I don’t love eating it while we watch all the steers walk by, but still. It’s good.”

He smiled and popped one of the delicious little deep fried cheese curds into his mouth. “You seem stressed. I’d ask if you were having more problems, but you’re always having problems.”

“Thanks to you, I’m always having problems.”

“You like to pout and blame me, but you were chaotic well before I ever interacted with you. If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be that interested in you. So, tell me, what’s going on this time?”

I blew out a long breath and sat back. “Have you heard about the issues with the Weres?”

“Weres? No. I try to avoid Spirits whenever possible. Are they peeing on the floor or something?”

His joke would have amused me at another time—I might have even made it myself—but I didn’t feel all that joking after what the wereraven had said. “Their energy is thickening. That’s what Porter said.”

“Porter?” He frowned, then groans. “Oh, that’s the Nature, right? With the horns? Yeah, I wouldn’t trust him normally, but he’s probably right.”

“So you do know what’s going on?” I sat up straighter, hopeful. Knot was clearly well connected, so if he had an idea of what had happened, what was going on, maybe he knew how to stop it?

“It’s not your problem,” he hedged and waved his hand. “Why do you keep sticking your nose into things that don’t affect you?”

“Um, the first incident was when I was framed for murder and the second was after I got attacked by a drugged-up mind. I am pretty sure they both affected me.”

He sighed—loudly. “No, they might have affected you for a moment, but that didn’t mean you needed to dive into them or fix them. You risked your life both times, nearly got yourself killed. That was all unnecessary. You did those things because you couldn’t help it, because you have an affliction I have never been able to cure you of.”

“And what exactly is that?”

“Empathy.” He screwed up his face and shuddered as he said it, like he was diagnosing me with leprosy or something.

“Oh the horror,” I deadpanned.

“It really is. You have no idea, because you’re still young and stupid.”

“Someone else just called me young and na?ve. I think I like that one better.”

“That’s probably because they were young and stupid. If they weren’t, they know that all young people are stupid. That all young people think the world is whatever they want to think it is instead of the truth. That’s just reality. That’s how it works. As you get older, you recognize how little anyone else cares about you, about what you’re doing, so trying to do shit for them will only destroy you.” His little tirade might have seemed convincing, at least at first, but the reality was that I could hear the way it bothered him, the way he seemed to break slightly near the end, with what could almost be considered an emotion leaking through.

“I can’t just ignore this,” I told him, choosing honesty for a rare time. Besides, I had a feeling he already suspected as much.

“You can. You just don’t want to.”

“Fine, I refuse to.”

“Is it because you love that wolf or something?” He asked as if it weren’t possible, like the very idea were entirely absurd. Made sense, though. If he didn’t think much about caring for people, he would really be put off by love.

I wanted to say no, to tell him that there was no chance that I actually loved Galen. He was frustrating and he lectured me and he was a constant thorn for me.

The desire to say that he was just comfortable, that he felt safe just because he introduced me to this world, because he’d been an ally from the start tempted me.

I doubted the truth of those words, though.

I thought about my draw to Galen, about the way we orbited each other, how he watched out for me, risked himself even when he had no logical reason to do so.

Fuck. Was that love?

I dropped my gaze, unwilling to admit or deny the allegation, unsure of the answer myself. “Just tell me what you know,” I said.

“What I know is that this has happened before and it’ll happen again. It’s the natural life cycle of Spirits. Clans come into existence and they disappear. There’s no reason to fight against it—you won’t win.”

“So it’s never been stopped before?”

He shifted in his seat, his expression telling despite his smile. It seemed I’d gotten to know him well enough to read even his subtle changes. “It has, but always at a cost most regret paying. And it’s failed far more than it’s ever succeeded.”

And that was exactly what I needed. Just a little hope, just a little direction, anything to give me a push of what I needed to do. “How did they do it?”

He shook his head. “I’m not about to tell you that. You get into trouble all on your own, but don’t think that means I’m going to just hand you to loaded gun so you can shoot yourself with it. Drop this one, Little Crow, it isn’t worth it.”

“You don’t get to decide if it’s worth it or not.”

“Of course I do, since I’m the one with the information. This is a suicide mission and I won’t let it go, won’t just accept that you’re going to do it. I worry that I’ve spoiled you too much over the years, that I’ve given you too much leash. I’ve had to watch you strangle yourself more than enough already.”

Was he…mad? It was a strange sight, something I rarely saw from him. He seemed as though he didn’t care about anything, yet cracks had been forming in that facade for a while, tiny glimpses that implied he might feel more than he let on.

“I understand you’re worried,” I told him, trying to appeal to his logical side—if he had one. “I get that you don’t think it’s a good idea, but I still have to do this. I still have to try. You helped me at my trial, right? You showed up there and even if you haven’t told me everything, I’m pretty sure you’ve been paying the price for that.”

“You have no idea the price I’ve been paying for that little stunt.”

“Then you should understand why I have to do this. Sometimes it’s worth it to do something foolish, to help even if it makes no sense, even if it’s risky. Some people are worth doing that for.”

He let out a rather dramatic sigh more suited for a teenage girl than a grown ass man—or whatever he was. “You know, you really are a challenge. You test me constantly. I’m not going to give you permission—not like you’d care if I did or not. In fact, I still think this is a bad idea, but until you recognize that for yourself, you’ll never believe me. So, I’m going to suggest you go talk to that serious Justice you know, the one who was at the trial.”

“Ruben?”

“Maybe? I don’t care about his name. He’s a Justice, so ask him for access to the old archives and look up a book titled—” Knot tapped his finger against his bottom lip as though deep in thought. It made me wonder just how many years of memories were locked up in his head, were hidden there. How much did he have to sort through?

Just what was he?

He nodded as though he’d just worked it out. “It’s a yellow book. I don’t remember the name, but it’s on the top of the far left, next to a book bound with human skin.”

“Skin?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t touch that one if I were you. Even tanned human skin holds some nasty things on it.”

I wasn’t sure whether I should believe him or not—he tended to like to make jokes, after all. “And what will I find in that book?”

“A history that will explain why what you want to do isn’t possible. If anything can make you realize that you have no chance, I’m hoping that does.” He set his fork down and stared straight at me, the look giving me time to really notice his face.

It was strange how people became important to us, how they went from strangers to being a part of us, to being something we couldn’t lose, something that we recognized anywhere.

Knot was one of those people to me. It was crazy given how things had gone for me over my lifetime to think I had people I could rely on, people who had my back. No matter what kept happening—and fuck knew it was a lot—I had people who didn’t turn away from me no matter what.

It was priceless, really, and as fucking weird as he was, Knot was likely one of the best examples.

“Look at me like that and I’ll blush,” he said, though his words didn’t show any actual embarrassment.

“Thank you. I know I don’t say it much, that I’m more likely to curse at you than anything else, but thank you for making me into this, for staying with me through it all.”

He lifted one of his eyebrows. “Getting the book isn’t that dangerous. No need to give farewell thank-yous. Besides, is it even a thank-you if it doesn’t come with a gift?”

“I’m not really here. How am I supposed to give you a gift?”

“Excuses, excuses. Five birthdays have passed and not one birthday gift!”

“Do you even have a birthday?”

“Of course I do. What a rude question. I picked it out after I saw someone else having a party. It’s December twenty-fifth.”

“Christmas?”

He smiled widely. “I like a little competition.”

“Well, actually show up in person and I’ll make sure to give you a gift this year.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Little Crow. Now, I think it’s time you wake up or you’re going to be late.”

That same sensation as I returned to my body unnerved me, but sure enough, when I opened my eyes, the blaring of my alarm told me he was right.

I rolled over, hitting the button to silence it, trying to get the sound out of my head.

As always, I wasn’t sure if things were better or worse after a conversation with Knot…

He really was an enigma.

* * * *

“Absolutely not.” Ruben crossed his arms, his expression stern, as though the very fact I would ask annoyed him.

It seemed a little dramatic reaction to borrowing a book, but whatever…

At least he looked good, all closed off like that. Other people needed to smile to be attractive, but Ruben looked best like this.

Or maybe I just never saw him smile, so I couldn’t compare it to anything?

“Come on. After everything I’ve done for you?”

“If you mean your courier work, we pay you well for that. Other than that, I can’t recall anything positive you’ve done in my life.”

Ouch. “Really? I baked you a cake!”

“It had laxatives in it.”

Right. I’d forgotten about that part. “Well, you had taken away my day off when I was supposed to go on a date. What about the time I gave you dating advice?”

“Your advice was to lean into my ‘Daddy Dom’ look and try a sex dungeon.”

“And that is amazing advice. Did you try it?”

His cheek didn’t even twitch, making me suspect he probably hadn’t. Pity, because he really could pull that off. He had that stern, disapproving, older man expression that would just make any brat or little fall in love.

It wasn’t my fault if he refused to use his best assets.

“Come on—this is important.”

“Tell me why and I’ll consider it. Those archives are not open to the public, so I need a good reason to break protocol and show them to you.”

“It’s important. Can’t you trust me?”

He didn’t have to even cock an eyebrow for his expression to say that, fuck no, he didn’t trust me.

Fair.

I hadn’t done much to be trustworthy.

“You know the problem with the Weres? Well, I’ve gotten a lead on that.”

“And it’s in a book in the archive?”

“That’s what my source says.”

He paused, then tilted his head. “Knot told you, didn’t he?”

“Does that help or hurt my odds of getting what I want?”

“Grey, I know you trust him for some reason I don’t understand, but he’s dangerous. We still don’t understand what exactly he is.”

“What I know is that he’s helped me before, and there isn’t any harm, is there?”

“How would he even know where the book is without knowing the name? No one is allowed in there—he can’t have gotten access.”

“That I can’t answer, but why not check? If it’s not there, then we’re done. What if it is, though? What’s the risk?”

“Those books have forbidden knowledge in them, things from well before the council was created. There are secrets that would best remain secret. It’s something Justices are taught from the start, something impressed upon us. This idea that transparency is always good is faulty at best. Our job is to preserve the balance, the peace, and sometimes that requires secrets.”

“Yeah, well, I feel the same way about secrets as I do about locks, which is to say, I’m not a fan.” I crossed my arms, mirroring his stance as though that were going to prove to him just how serious I was. “You know the Were situation is getting worse. If we can’t put a stop to it, if we can’t figure out what’s causing it, there’s no way the other clans will just stand back and ignore it. They’ll step in if the Weres keep causing problems.”

“The Justices have kept peace for a long time now. There is no reason to think we won’t be able to again.”

“You’ve never had to face an entire clan. What if the whole clan goes feral? What if they all turn into this? How exactly is it you think you’re going to deal with that situation? There aren’t enough Justices, not nearly enough for a problem of that size. Add to it that if the Weres keep getting out of hand, the other clans will step in, and you’ve got a war—the very thing you were set up to prevent.”

A line appeared between his eyebrows, proof that he knew this all and didn’t care one bit for it.

Which made me wonder…

“This isn’t about the Weres or the book, is it?”

He huffed, turning his gaze away. “You keep getting involved in things that nearly end you. Forgive me for not wanting you to have to deal with this one problem, for me not wanting you to have to take responsibility for this one thing. Even if all you say will come to pass does, you are not involved. You are a clan head, but a clan of one. No one is seeking you out, no one will attack you—they have no reason to. However, if you choose to insert yourself into this issue, if you choose to jump into this, you may very well find that you are out of options. You will end up drawn into a fight you don’t want any part of, that you have no business in.”

What was this? Try to save Grey day?

Still, at least he seemed honestly worried about me, not so much because of my skills—or lack thereof—but because he knew just how badly this could go.

So for the millionth time recently, I had to explain myself. “I can’t just sit back and do nothing, not if I can help. This problem is my problem, because this is my world. Sure, I might be a clan of one, I might not have the power of other clan heads, but I’m still a part of this world and I’ll be damned if I see it go to war when I might be able to help. So, please, let me look for that book.”

He pressed his lips into a tight line, and for a moment, I thought I’d lost. His stern expression said he didn’t like this one bit, and I’d bet he didn’t want to help at all. My best hope was that he gave in for the same reason most people did—because he recognized that I was going to do it with or without him, and he’d have a lesser headache if he helped.

I hoped that by this point, he understood that well. Fuck knew I’d gone behind his back enough times that he should have learned it.

“Fine,” he muttered. “The archive isn’t in this building, though. It’s hidden elsewhere. I will get it set up and we can go tomorrow. The trip will take all day, so prepare yourself for that. I will pick you up at seven a.m.—ensure you are ready to go.”

The way he said that last part implied that he really doubted I’d manage it. It made me laugh, the way he didn’t quite trust me.

Which, to be fair, seven in the morning was pretty fucking early.

My phone rang in my pocket, and when I pulled it out, my eyes widened.

“Shit.”

He stood straighter. “What?”

“Um…look, this might seem weird, but could I get a ride?”

“A ride?”

I nodded, then answered the phone. “Hi, Mom. Yes, I’m on my way! I’m almost there.” I tapped my fingers on the desk beside Ruben. “Yeah, hear that? It’s my turning signal. I’ll be there in like…five minutes. Hanging up now!” I slid the phone back into my pocket, then focused on Ruben. “See, I’m supposed to be somewhere like, thirty minutes ago, and if I don’t hurry it up, someone might just kill me.”

“You said ‘Mom’.”

“Exactly! She’s the one person I really think could kill me.”

“Didn’t you drive here?”

“I did, but you know how the parking lot is for employees. It takes forever to get out of it!”

He narrowed his eyes.

I went on. “So because you’re special, you get that snazzy reserved parking spot right in the front.”

“I am not a chauffeur.”

“I know, but listen. You didn’t want to show me the book because you wanted to protect me, right? Well, here is a time when I actually need protection! My mom is terrifying, and I’ll never live it down if I can’t get there right away. Please, Ruben, be my knight in a very lovely fitted suit?”

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, as though he couldn’t believe he had to deal with something like me this late in the day. Still, after a moment that was honestly shorter than I expected, he nodded. “Fine. However, you will owe me.”

“Yep. Fair. Let’s go already! She thinks I’m almost there.” I waved him on as he followed, not moving nearly fast enough for what I needed.

He drove a large, king cab truck with an extended, covered bed. I wondered if it was so he could put bodies in the back?

I wouldn’t put it past him. Ruben did some shady shit, all for the sake of the council and the Justices. It was amazing, really, because he barely seemed to care about anything beyond the rules and regulations.

And only the rules of the council. He didn’t fuck about anyone else’s.

I had to use the step and hoist myself into the truck, given the height it had and the height I didn’t.

Despite the huge size of it, Ruben maneuvered it easily through the crowded streets. In fact, it amazed me that he drove so well. It didn’t seem fitting, somehow. Probably because I imaged him as old and serious and not at all modern. Watching him drive a large modern truck didn’t work well with the aesthetic I’d built up in my mind.

“Why are you late?” he asked.

“I just lost track of time.”

“You do that a lot, don’t you?”

“I mean, sometimes?”

“I believe you were cited six hundred and three times for lateness over the five years you’ve worked for the council.”

“You know that offhand?”

“Well, it is a record.”

I sighed and leaned back in the truck, watching the buildings and houses move past us. The city was strange in that there weren’t as many defined commercial versus residential areas. It came from the constant expansion of the cities in the low desert, where one large road might have been the only commercial area, but expanded as more and more people moved here. It meant that everything mixed together, eventually, with individual houses dotted right beside restaurants and shops.

“Why are you always late?” His question pulled me from my distraction.

“I just have a lot of things in my mind, a lot that I deal with. I can’t help it if I’m always going a mile a minute. Things like dealing with appointments or being exactly on time are just strange to me. I mean to be there, but other stuff just inevitably gets in the way.” I thought about it, then frowned. “Plus, I’m pretty sure my crow hates being on time.”

“You’re really going to blame your bird for your actions?” He scoffed as though I were blaming elves or Santa.

“I’m serious! Just like she can unlock doors for me, I swear there are times that she creates chaos. One time, I set my alarm an hour early, got everything set up the night before so there was no way I’d be late to a meeting with you at eight in the morning. I did everything that you’re supposed to do. It was the one where we were talking about the cake incident.”

“I recall you were an hour late to that one.” Talk about annoyed—his tone said he didn’t at all appreciate the reminder, and I could almost picture him stewing over it all.

“That’s the thing, I did all of that to get ready, and do you know what happened? A power surge fried my phone so my alarm didn’t go off. Then, when I did wake up—only a little late—I found a pipe in the bathroom had burst, ruining the clothes I’d set out. Add to those things a flat tire, three ride shares who canceled on me, and my badge not working at the front door. What I’ve found is that the more I try to be that organized, regimented person people want me to be, the less I manage it. The more chaos occurs around me that ruins it. The truth is, things run much more smoothly and it’s less stress on me if I just go with the flow.”

Ruben didn’t answer at first, so I turned my head to see him staring forward, through the windshield. Not angry, just pensive, as though weighing my words. Finally, he responded, his voice soft. “I suppose I never realized it might be that much of a struggle for you.”

“Most people don’t. They don’t know what I am, don’t understand what it means. We all know about Minds, about the risks and problems that go along with them, so we accept the limitations. We know they might need time away, that they might get upset, that they struggle to contain their powers when they are overwhelmed. No one knows about me—not even me, really—so people expect me to be…perfect.” I sighed at that word, at the weight of it. The truth was that I’d never been perfect, even before turning into this. I didn’t think I had a chance at it no matter what happened.

One of the things I’d learned was that some people were built for perfection and some were just built to survive—hopefully. I was the second type, even before Knot intervened and changed everything. Even back then, I’d been more focused on what I had to do, on just keeping up, on things getting away from me and me just trying to keep all the plates spinning.

It was like I lived in a constant state of disaster, and my only choice was to sit back and hope I could manage it all before it came crashing down.

And from time to time, boy fuck did it crash.

The truck slowed, making me glance around and frown.

We were at my mom’s house.

“Um, I didn’t give you directions,” I pointed out.

“Did you notice that I didn’t ask for them?”

“So you’ve known where my mom lived this whole time?”

“Of course. As if I’d ever not know everything about those who I hired, especially those who cause as many issues as you do. I like to keep a close eye on such people.”

“Lucky me… And here I thought I managed to keep my secrets pretty well.” I sat up straighter as I took a look at a number of cars in the driveway that certainly didn’t belong.

What the hell?

The sports car was easily recognizable, of course, since Kelvin’s flashy car stood out. The others, though, gave me a bad feeling.

“That’s Galen’s car,” Ruben said, putting the truck into park after stopping it by the sidewalk. “Did you invite him?”

Something that could only be described as dread rushed through me at the implication. What exactly did this mean? Why would Kelvin and Galen be here?

I cursed softly as I saw my mother walk out of the house, her hair braided and tossed forward over one shoulder. She glared at me, probably because of my lateness, but just like always, an air of softness remained at the corners.

The truth was my mother was the one person who I could disappoint, who could tell me off and lecture me all day, but who I also knew with absolute certainty would still love me and all my mess.

I rolled down the window. “What the hell is this, Mom?”

“What do you mean?”

Right, like her tone wasn’t suspicious as fuck. She’d never been a good liar, and it showed right then.

“Mom…”

“Come on in, the party’s going.”

“What party? I thought it was just a get together.”

“It is a get together—for you.”

“For me?” I eyed her on full alert. “It’s not my birthday. I haven’t done anything worth celebrating.”

“Well, your brother mentioned something a while ago, that we don’t see you as much as I would like, that maybe we don’t pay you as much attention as we should. You sort of breeze in and out and none of us know what’s going on in your life. I realized he was right.”

“So you threw me a party?” I gestured at the sports car. “And why is he here?”

“Who? Kelvin? Oh, he stops by from time to time since you introduced us a while back. He’s a lovely man. I told him I wanted to have this party and he seemed excited about it. He even gave me a list of numbers to call to invite your friends.”

I cringed at the idea that my mother had actually thrown me some sort of weird surprise party, then also called my ‘friends’ to invite them over? My friends being powerful Spirits, most of whom I was currently fucking—or was soon to be, if the situation continued as it had.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. My name is Grace. You are?”

Ruben opened the door to his truck and I grabbed his arm.

“Not a chance. Come on, let’s make a break for it. I’ve seen you drive—we can get away before anyone can give chase.”

He shrugged off my grip. “And miss out on this? Never.”

I stayed put in the truck as he went around, his size dwarfing my mother.

It still made me uneasy having her around these people, feeling as though the two parts of my life collided. I’d worked so hard to keep them separate, to protect my family by keeping Spirits away. The last thing I wanted was to be at fault for any harm coming to them.

He took her hand to shake. “My name is Ruben.”

“Ruben? I’m so sorry for not inviting you. Kelvin didn’t give me that name.”

He smiled— he knows how to do that?— and shook his head. “No worries, ma’am. I’m actually Grey’s boss, so it would be unusual for him to include me in a list of friends.”

“Her boss? She’s so secretive about what she does. Please, come in! Join us.”

I eyed Ruben, hoping he understood my ‘you have better fucking not’ look. It was a warning that I’d make his life hell if he didn’t listen—well, more so than I already had.

I wasn’t sure if he didn’t see the look or if he didn’t care, but he smiled and nodded at my mother. “Of course, I’d love to.”

And just like that, I fucking hated all the men who decided to screw my life over. They could enjoy each other, because they weren’t getting into my pants again, not after this betrayal.