Page 18 of Flock Around and Find Out (Flocking It Up #3)

The worst thing about spur-of-the-moment sex was just how filthy it got a person. Without a shower afterward—or enough wet wipes—proper cleanup proved impossible.

I wondered for a moment if I could have shifted to my crow form. Wouldn’t that work? Those flames that licked across my skin during my change might destroy anything that didn’t belong, right?

Except, I’d changed before and still had blood on me, so that didn’t seem like it would work.

I sat on the ground, my fingers tracing a crystal in the boulders around us. We’d set up in a spot just outside of a cave entrance—Porter had said he sensed nothing had been there in the past week or so. A fire roared and we circled around it, the warmth helping as the temperature had fallen with the passing hours.

No one had mentioned my little outing with Kelvin, either. I wouldn’t say they weren’t aware of it—they all had exceptional hearing, after all—but they hadn’t addressed it.

I’d prefer that, of course. I thought I’d been able to stay quiet, but that was probably not that realistic. I wasn’t quiet at the best of times, so there was no way I could have managed it during that.

And who could blame me? It had felt way too good for me to even think I could hold back.

“You’re blushing,” Porter said from across the fire, sitting on one of the boulders rather than the dirt as I was.

“Just the heat from the fire,” I lied.

He lifted an eyebrow but said nothing.

Ruben cast a glare in Kelvin’s direction—so much for people pretending they’d heard nothing.

Kelvin, of course, didn’t look sorry. If anything, he seemed even prouder as he was scolded for his behavior. He was probably that kid in class who always got himself in trouble and only grinned through the lectures because he knew damn well he was going to do it again.

“Why are there so many crystals?” I asked to distract us as I pointed at the shimmering gems inside all the rocks around us.

“They hum with power,” Porter said. “I think they help to contain it here, to hold it.”

“There are so many different colors, though.”

“Haven’t you come to terms by now with the idea that council only represents a very small fragment of what is out there?” He gestured my way. “You, for example. Did you think you were the only clan not represented?”

“So that means that every single shade of crystal here is a different Spirit?”

Porter shook his head. “No, I don’t believe so. Just as there didn’t seem to be any of your type until you were changed, I think some of these powers aren’t represented on Earth. I can sense the type of power, and there are many I have never felt before. Of course, that could mean there are just so few of them that we don’t realize.”

“Or they don’t cause as much trouble as you, so we never notice,” Ruben said.

Which was a rather fair point.

It made me wonder what my life would have been like if I’d just stayed quiet, if I hadn’t put myself at the center of so many disasters. Would I have just gone on like normal?

Would I have even realized what I was? My changes weren’t controlled by the moon or time, not like Weres, so what would have happened if I’d never been in danger? If I’d had no reason to escape that wolf, to turn into a crow, to meet Galen?

It felt like all those things led one into another, each spilling over so that the next event was even more ridiculous. So if I’d never gotten on that rollercoaster, if I’d never stepped onto that path, would things have been different?

“What are you thinking about?” Kelvin asked.

“What if I didn’t get attacked that day, what if I never met Galen and so never went to the council and never met any of you. It’s weird to think how different my life might have been. I won’t pretend like it was amazing before, like my life was perfect or anything, but it was pretty normal.”

No one spoke at first, as though my question had sucked all breathable oxygen from this entire realm.

It was Ruben who responded. “Is that what you would have wanted?”

“Yes. No?” I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m unhappy with where I am. It’s not like I regret a lot of it or anything. I’m just saying that I think about it, you know? I can’t be the only one who wonders what other life we might have had. I mean— look at where you all are. If it wasn’t for me, most of you wouldn’t be here.”

At least the men looked at each other, as though considering my words.

They were true, though. Galen might be here, sure, because I hadn’t started this problem myself.

Or, I was pretty sure of that, at least. Maybe we’d find out differently, but for the moment, I hadn’t started this mess and I couldn’t be blamed for it.

Yet.

But Ruben, Kelvin, Porter and the Mind rep were all here because of me. They’d come because of their connection to me, because they didn’t think this was safe, because I’d talked them into it. I’d altered the course of each of their lives drastically, and it made me wonder— what if.

The expressions they each wore implied they thought the same, that they considered the differences.

No one spoke for a while.

I wasn’t sure I minded that, though. I didn’t want to hear them tell me about how they really wish they hadn’t met me. I’d heard that enough in my life that I didn’t want to hear it from them.

Especially not these men.

Well, the Mind could say that.

I didn’t care if he liked me or not. In fact, he sat farther away, quiet, as though he didn’t want to participate more than he had to.

I didn’t mind that. I wasn’t sure I had room in my life for another man who could piss me off. Sure, I was a mess, but to think they weren’t was a huge fucking mistake.

They caused their share of problems, after all, and I didn’t need another—especially a Mind strong enough for Harrison to pick for this job—bugging me. Harrison had been able to crawl through my head if he wanted, was far too good at working out what I thought and felt, so why the hell would I want that from someone else?

No thanks.

My brain was a strict no crossing sort of place. I didn’t need all these muddy footprints in there, causing problems and fucking up my shit.

A glance his way made me wonder who he was, though. Harrison wasn’t exactly trusting.

Him sending someone was nice, I guess, but the fact it didn’t matter enough for him to even reach out to me stung.

It felt as though he were making it clear that he really didn’t want to see me, that this wasn’t even enough for him to just speak to me.

Fuck, this wasn’t exactly a safe trip, and I didn’t expect him to forgive me over it, to rush over and protect me—I wasn’t some damsel.

Was it really that much to ask for him to just tell me that he hoped I was okay? To just show me that I mattered still, even a little?

I sighed as I realized maybe it really was too much. Maybe things had gone too far.

“I’m going to get some sleep,” I said when I knew this conversation wasn’t going anywhere good.

Kelvin stared at me, a tightness in his expression that implied he caught some of my distress. “Okay,” he said instead of pressing it.

Like I really wanted to bare any of this in some weird group share like we were at a support meeting.

I headed into the small cave. When Porter and Ruben had checked it, they hadn’t found any exits, anything that went off in another direction. It meant the entrance should be the only way in or out, making it easily defendable.

I was one of the few who actually needed sleep regularly, and I was long past the time of worrying about that, of feeling bad about it. It was a basic human need—that was all that really mattered.

So I dragged myself inside the cave. I’d tried to open my personal bay earlier, but the color had sparked then died, like a car that couldn’t quite turn over to actually start. It meant I didn’t have access to all the extras I would have preferred, but the sleeping bag I’d brought was enough to make me pretty happy.

The cave was warmer than the air outside of it, sheltered as it was from those breezes. It wasn’t that dark, which wasn’t all that conducive to good sleep, but at least I wouldn’t have to listen for every last sound.

I stayed dressed because a person never knew what exactly they might face in this sort of situation, removing only my shoes and socks, then crawled into the sleeping bag. I used a sweater I had packed for a pillow, letting the sleeve fall across my eyes to shield them from the light the crystals gave off.

No sound came from outside, but I didn’t know if that was because the men didn’t speak or if they just kept their voices low enough that I wouldn’t hear them. Either way, I appreciated the attempt.

“He didn’t abandon you.”

I frowned at the voice, moving the sweater to be sure that, yep, it was the Mind. “Pretty sure that isn’t your business. Besides—stay out of my head. I don’t like people poking around in there.”

He stood near the entry to the cave, staring at me as though he were trying to decide something. Finally, he sighed. “You think that Harrison threw you away, huh?”

“I think that is between he and I, not you. Besides, you know shit about any of that.”

“I know that Harrison has been holed up in his place for weeks, and that he sent me out with clear instructions.”

“ Ruben ordered the clans to send someone. Don’t get it twisted.”

“Ruben suggested it, but Harrison could have just paid me and sent me on my way. He didn’t. He sat me down to explain the job.”

“So he gave you an overview? Well, that proves fuck all.”

The mind shook his head. “You don’t get it. He explained what the job would be, that it was coming here, what we might face, all of that. I said, ‘so my task is to make sure the mission succeeds? That we fix whatever is wrong with the Weres.’ That’s the right answer, right? That’s what the fuck we’re here for. He couldn’t tell me that, though. Instead, he answered quietly that you were my top priority. That if it came down to completing the mission or getting you back safely, I was to pick you without hesitation.”

The words sank into me, feeling almost too nice, too much like what I really wanted to hear. How often was that the case, though? When people took away what they liked because it made life easier.

Here he was, offering me exactly what I needed.

“Why are you telling me this? I doubt Harrison would want you to.”

“He paid for my work, not my silence. Besides, call it a bleeding heart. I didn’t like seeing you moping all because you misunderstand a situation.” He shrugged, then tucked his hands into his pockets. “I’ve seen people be stupid for too long for me to just ignore it, not when I can do something about it. Take that as you want, but that’s the truth.” He turned to walk out.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

He paused. “Blake.” As soon as he gave me that, he left.

His words made it harder to sleep, as I weighed them, as I tried to decide their truth. Was he right? He had no reason to lie that I could tell, no reason to tell me something like that unless it were true. I didn’t see an upside to it.

But if he was right, what the fuck was Harrison doing? Why ignore me if he still fucking cared?

Because I hurt him.

I thought about how I’d reacted to Kelvin, how hard Kelvin had worked to fix the situation, to wait for me. Was I being the unfair one? Was I expected too much from Harrison too fast?

I curled into the blanket and put the sweater back over my eyes, trying to ignore the light, the questions, the uncertainty.

Whatever the reason, whatever it meant, I couldn’t do anything about it right now, not until I got back from this fucking place, not until I solved the immediate problem.

The rest would have to wait.

With that acceptance, sleep finally came.