Page 45 of Finding Grey
Pushing up from the stool, I paced over to the glass door leading to the patio before turning back to face him. “Not asking for your name was the biggest regret of my life, believe me. Every year I waited for you to send me my birthday present, in the hope that you would sign the card properly, or give me a phone number, or an email address, anything. But you never did and then… you stopped sending them.”
Anger flared in his eyes as he stood. “Do you blame me?”
“No.” Shaking my head, I stepped towards him. “The night I asked you to come to me after my concert…” I had no idea where to start, how to explain. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you, but—”
“It was five years ago, it doesn’t matter.” Sean crossed his arms. “We need to deal with what’s happening now.”
My chest tightened as I braced myself, all thoughts of the past forgotten. “What do you want to happen now?”
Sean took a deep breath and met my gaze. “Last night was amazing, and so unbelievably important to me. But this thing between us can’t go anywhere. You know it as well as I do.”
A lump formed in my throat and I looked away. “The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I don’t want to lose you again.”
“That would be kind of hard since you know my name now, and where I live.” He offered me a half-smile. “But our paths are heading in different directions, Dante. We want different things, and I can’t be the man you explore these experiences with, I just can’t.”
“Because you’re in love with Alan?” Jealousy churned in my belly as I spoke, revealing itself in the roughness of my voice. “He’s barely even around, Sean. You spend most of your evenings with me, not him.” I preferred not to think about where he went on nights he wasn’t with me. The idea of Sean in another man’s bed was nothing less than torture.
A long pause followed while Sean seemed to chew on a variety of words, none of which tasted good. “He’s been busy with work and I’ve been… distracted.” That was one word for it.
“You cheated on him last night.” It was fucked up for me to point that out, but it was true. “Do you really believe you’re still in love with him?”
“Forget him. This is about you and me,” Sean said, gesturing between us. “In a few weeks, you’ll get on a plane and go back to your life in Melbourne. The one where you attend events with models draped over your arm. Where you have a revolving door of beautiful women you take to bed.”
“Is that why you’re pushing me away?” I cried. “Because I’ve enjoyed having sex with women? Am I not gay enough for you?”
Sean let out a growl of frustration. “You’re bisexual, I know that, but you portray yourself as a straight man.” He fought to stay calm, level-headed, but I could see his distress in the quiet trembling of his limbs and the wildness of his eyes. “Eventually, you’ll find a woman to fall in love with. That’s the way these things work. And when that happens, there will be no place for me in your life. You’ll forget about me.” He pinned me with a glare as he added, “We both know that’s how this ends.”
I’d heard enough. Walking over to him, I took his hips in my hands and pulled him against me. “My life has always had a place for you, even when you weren’t there. You must realise that by now.” The slow shake of his head said he didn’t believe me, and my fingers tightened. “Sean, when I came here, I was so lost. On the verge of losing everything I’d worked my whole life for. But getting to know you, learning to want you all over again, helped me find myself. And that was before you told me the truth.” I lifted one hand to slide it around the back of his neck. “You’re my muse, Sean. I need you in my life, however that might work.” His eyes slid closed on a pained expression. I was losing him. “I realise we’re complicated. You’re with someone else and my life requires me to stay in the closet but, please give me something. Friendship, anything.” I took his head in my hands, forcing his face level with mine. He opened his eyes to look at me as I implored him, damned near begged him. “Whatever you can give me, I’ll take it and I won’t ask for more.”
Sean pulled free of my embrace, rubbing his hands over his face as he put some space between us. “Friendship,” he muttered with a humourless laugh. “I’ve seen you naked now, and you do naked tremendously well so, I don’t think the wordfriendswill ever work for us.”
I snorted in amusement. “I don’t care what word we use.”
His cheeks hollowed. He was biting his tongue, the same way he had the first night I arrived, when he pretended not to like me. “Do you think we can make this work?” he asked, his body restless with uncertainty. “Can we find a way to fit into each other’s lives?”
Lifting my chin, I tried to suppress the smile that threatened to break out all over my face. “I’ll make it work.”
I’d mourned the loss of Grey too many times already. In the days after we met. Again, after our failed reunion three years later. And then, the following year, when my birthday present never came. Losing him one more time would break me. So, if friendship was all we could have, I would make it be enough.
Finally, he nodded, speaking in a low, raspy voice. “Okay. Let’s give it a shot.”