Page 51

Chapter

Forty-Eight

HADLEY

Hunter: I’m not getting involved but…

Hunter: What’s going on with you and Jonas?

Hadley: I thought you weren’t getting involved?

Hunter: I lied.

Leaning back in my chair, I close my eyes and stretch my arms over my head. We’ve been sitting at this table in the library for hours—but in reality it has probably only been twenty minutes. Twenty minutes with these guys feels like forever, though.

The computer science department is big on group projects and collaboration.

Maybe if I had known that when I started, I wouldn’t have picked this major, because most of my collaborators are arrogant jerks.

Our assignment is to design, create, and set up a website for a potential client—any product of our own choosing.

After much debate, we finally settled on making a fake site for Starbucks. Coffee was about the only thing we could agree on.

When I blink my eyes open, I catch my classmates sharing a lecherous glance. I hurry to pull my shirt down and cover my midriff.

“Um, since we’ve got that figured out, where do you want to start?” I ask. My group members, Braden and Jackson, shift their belongings around our table. Braden busies himself with opening his laptop, and Jackson twirls his pen.

“Well, you’re primarily interested in design, right?” Braden asks, adjusting his glasses. His wispy blond hair is cut too long, and he reminds me of a shaggy dog. “So what if we do the heavy lifting on the coding and you make it pretty?”

They share another glance, this one condescending. Don’t give the little girl a hard job type of thing. My blood boils.

“Graphics and visualization is way more than making things look good.”

“Of course it is, Hadley.” Jackson uses what must be his soothing voice. “Braden didn’t mean to be a dick.”

Does that mean he can’t help being what he is?

Either way, I have to get through this group project, so I sigh. “Okay, let’s assign roles and make some progress. I have other places to be tonight.”

What sort of guys would plan to spend a Friday night in the library working on a project? These two.

Braden snorts. “Yeah, we know you have a busy social life.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I shoot back, offended by his derivative tone.

“Nothing,” Jackson rushes to say. “It’s fine you have plans. We’ll work for another hour and then wrap things up.”

Seething inside, I press my lips together and manage not to gouge out Braden’s eyeballs. Did I say I hated jocks? Turns out maybe I hate computer science guys, too.

Or maybe there can be guys who are jerks in every area, and guys who are awesome. Maybe stereotypes are useless.

I pop in one earbud and listen to Taylor on low. If they have questions, I’ll hear them, but I also don’t fully commit to listening to them, either. I get in the zone, typing and coding, figuring out the math and coming up with possibilities.

It’s not terrible, once I can ignore Braden. It’s gonna take some work, and unfortunately more collaboration with my group members, but we can do this. It’s fulfilling in a way I didn’t expect.

The timer I set on my phone dings, startling me. Pocketing my ear buds, I collect my laptop and folder for the class and shove them into my bag.

“Sorry, guys, I’ve gotta jet. I’m free Sunday afternoon, though, if you want to meet again to work on stuff.”

Braden mumbles something under his breath I probably don’t want to hear, and Jackson stands up.

“Um, I’ll walk you out.”

“Uh, okay?”

Jackson is about my height, has a receding hairline, and a penchant for punny t-shirts. Tonight’s is black and says, simply, “code blooded.” In spite of their utter differences, I have a flashback to Jonas walking me home from the library last year.

Although in that case, my stomach was filled with butterflies and anticipation. Now it’s anxiety that makes my belly lurch.

Jackson is not a bad guy. Not overly misogynistic like Braden, he’s pretty harmless. But that doesn’t mean I want or need him to walk me anywhere.

“I want to apologize again for Braden,” he says, and my eyebrows hit my hairline. “There aren’t a lot of girls in CS classes, and you’re, well, you’re you.”

“I’m me?” I blink. “What does that mean?”

He gestures up and down at my body as if that encompasses everything. “You’re definitely a girl.”

What do I say to that? “Yep, I am.”

“I don’t want you to be mad. We all need a decent grade on this project.”

Ah, that’s why he’s having this conversation. So I don’t tank our assignment. I clear my throat.

“Jackson, I picked computer science as a major because I like it. I want to do well, as much as anyone else. I might not look the part, but I’m serious about this. It has nothing to do with my gender or anyone else’s. Is that going to be a problem?”

“No, no, of course not.” He runs a hand over his hair, saying the right thing but looking baffled.

“Good.” I brush past him and head to the door. “See you Sunday.”

It’s not the first time this has happened. I’ve heard whispers in class, too. It only makes me more determined to prove to them I can be blonde, social, and good at my major.

But as I walk out into the cool fall air by myself, I ache for Jonas. I miss my best friend, the guy I could talk to about anything. He’d listen to my concerns, reassure me about my choices, and help me fit in. He’d never make me feel like Braden or Jackson.

Could I call him? Has it been long enough? My heart races at the thought.

Probably not. Time for a distraction.

“Kendall, I don’t have it in me tonight,” I say, when she waggles her eyebrows and holds up a gorgeous slinky silver top. I promised her a fun time, but after that study session and my group partners’ eyes on me, I want to curl up in my bed.

Her lips pull down in a pout. “This sucks. I thought we were going to spend the whole year going to bars and hooking up with guys. Wasn’t that your plan?”

“Well…” Maybe that’s what I told Jonas, but it isn’t working out for me.

Kendall has taken me at my word and forced me out every weekend so far—and some weeknights, too.

But my heart isn’t in it. I tried, but I have to admit there’s no spark.

Everyone I meet falls short. I can’t bring myself to go home with some random guy.

I keep imagining dancing brown eyes, a slow smile, and kind hands.

I don’t want to admit it, but I don’t want to kiss anyone else.

I like that Jonas is the last person I’ve been with. I’m not ready for that to change.

I clear my throat. “If you let us stay in tonight, we can catch up on Love Island .”

Kendall squeals and tosses the shirt in the air. “Finally! I can’t wait to see what’s been going on.”

That’s another thing I haven’t been able to handle. Every time I start to turn on the show, all I can remember is watching it with Jonas. How the air had crackled between us and heated up every part of my body.

A sigh escapes me, and Kendall levels me in a stern gaze. “Oh no, you’re not going to ruin my binge-watch by moping.”

“Nope.” I straighten my spine. “Of course not. Now, can we please put on sweatpants?”

We do, plus I make microwave popcorn and find a bag of dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Perfect. We settle on my bed with Kendall’s laptop on her knees.

It’s not long before I’m engrossed in the drama.

James and Sophia, the couple I’ve been rooting for all season, are perfect for each other.

He’s hot but also sweet; she’s sassy but not catty.

And the soft glances they share—I mean, I know it’s probably scripted, but these two are selling it.

That level of chemistry can’t all be fake.

But I gasp when Sophia choses to mix it up and be paired with Edwin. He’s been a misogynistic jerk this whole time, like Braden. And he’s not as attractive as James. What could she possibly see in him?

She pops up on the screen for her interview, and I lean close. Her aggressively blonde hair swings in a bouncy ponytail, and her tiny black bikini top stretches across her ample chest, ready to snap like a rubber band.

“Here’s the thing, bruv,” she says, chewing gum. “I like James fine. But I’ve been with him since we arrived on the island. What if there’s something better out there? I owe it to myself to shop around.”

Sophia winks at the camera, and my stomach twists. To my horror, my nose burns and tears prick my eyelids. Kendall’s gaze stays trained on me, but I keep mine glued to the laptop.

“It’s too early to have found love, right?” Sophia says, raising her slim shoulders in a disinterested shrug.

The show switches to a shot of James, sitting poolside and staring pensively into the smooth surface of the water. His hands are clasped between his knees, and he looks absolutely gutted.

I’ve seen that expression before. It was on Jonas’s face when I told him I didn’t want to be with him any longer. Oh god, why had I thought watching Love Island would be a good idea? The sob crawls up my throat, and I can’t stop it. I put my head on my knees and cry.

Kendall shuts the laptop and rubs circles on my back. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“It’s not,” I wail. “Sophia threw away the best thing that’s ever happened to her, and why? Because she thought she might find something better? She’s an idiot! There’s no way there’s anyone better than Jonas.” I choke out another sob. “I mean, James.”

Kendall’s voice stays even. “Do you think maybe this isn’t about the reality show?”

“I’m so scared.” It’s a relief to get the confession off my chest, and I raise my face to see her.

“What are you scared of, boo?” she asks, her eyes shining with kindness and love.

I swallow. “What if I turn into my mom?”

Kendall huffs a laugh. “I think every woman is a little scared of that. But what specifically worries you?”

I try to articulate the emotions battling in my heart. “She has never really been herself. I mean, she throws herself into whatever relationship, whatever guy is there. She doesn’t know who she is.”

“There could be good things about being all in, but I see your point. You want to be your own woman. But I can’t imagine you ever not knowing your mind.”

I blow out a breath. “But… I’m still so young. Hell, I was seventeen when I met Jonas. A senior in high school. Who finds the love of their life at seventeen? What if I make him my whole personality, and I don’t ever explore who I am and what I want?”

“Okay.” She draws the word out so it’s two syllables. “You’re almost twenty now. Is that what’s happened since you’ve known Jonas?”

“Well, no, but?—”

“Because you’re not your mom.” Kendall raises a brow at my silence. “Did you know my parents got married when they were older?”

I blink at the topic change. “Uh, yeah, that’s why you’re adopted, right?”

She nods. “Yep. They both had their careers and met in their forties. When they decided they wanted kids, it was too late for a bio baby. So they got fabulous me.” She tosses her braids, smiles, and continues talking.

“But my mom told me one time—it was difficult to go from being an independent woman to being married. Living with someone, compromising, and thinking of someone else after all those years of making decisions only for her. Loading the dishwasher however she wanted, spending money on things she chose, picking vacations, things like that. She had to learn how to do all that with a partner and give up some of her own wants. Obviously, she loves my dad, and they worked through it. But it made me wonder… what if I got married young and my choices were shaped by the person I loved most in the world?”

“I hadn’t thought of that.” What if I discovered myself while with Jonas? Could I still be me, still become the person I want, while in a relationship?

Kendall hands me a Kleenex and I blow my nose, mulling over her words. “Do you think it’s possible to figure yourself out if you’re with someone else?” I ask her.

She shrugs. “I think that person will probably influence you a little bit, to a degree. So I guess you have to ask yourself—do you want Jonas to have a voice in your life?”

“Yes.” The word pops out before my brain catches up, and I cover my mouth in surprise.

Laughing, Kendall pulls my hands away. “That’s great. I can’t think of anyone better, babe.”

“But what about our year of sexual freedom and exploration?”

She rolls her eyes. “Girl, I was trying to get you to see how much you love him and realize he’s what you want.”

Gasping, I smack her shoulder lightly. “You’re the worst!”

“I know.” She sticks her tongue out at me, not a bit remorseful.

I take a deep breath and express another fear. “What if I’m not good enough for him?”

“What?” Kendall’s eyes widen. “That’s not possible.”

“I rejected him when he told me he loved me.”

She puts her hand on mine. “And if he really loves you, that won’t be enough to scare him away.”

“But what if?—”

“Don’t you think Jonas should get to decide what he wants?”

“Well…” That makes a lot of sense. I don’t have an argument against her logic.

“Uh-huh.” She gloats a little, but I let her get away with it. It’s her reward for being such a great friend and speaking truth to me when I needed to hear it.

I square my shoulders. “There’s only one thing left to do. Figure out how to get Jonas back.”