Page 46

Chapter

Forty-Three

JONAS

Evan: Sorry I couldn’t be there to help with Hadley’s stuff. My advisor scheduled a meeting.

Jonas: No problem, I got it.

Evan: You gonna tell her?

Jonas: We’ll see.

Evan: Whenever my mom said that when I was a kid, it meant “No.”

Evan: You can do this. I have faith in you. And faith in love.

Jonas: Thanks, man.

“You really don’t have to help,” Hadley says for the fifth time. Her flirty little black tennis skirt swishes as we walk, and she fiddles with the zipper on her duffel bag as we move towards the stairs. The wait for the elevator is too long during move-in.

That’s what boyfriends do , is what I wish I could say. Instead, I clear my throat.

“Nah, I don’t mind. It’s like conditioning.”

“Which you still have to attend, so you’ll be twice as worn out.” She stares straight ahead, not meeting my eye.

“But think of it.” I step in front of her, so she has to look at me and give her my most charming smile. “You’ll be done twice as fast.”

“But you?—”

“I’m starting to think you don’t want me here.

” I keep my voice light as I tug her close to me, brushing my lips across hers.

She holds herself stiff at first, then melts into me.

It might be the first moment she’s been soft all day.

I’m joking about her not wanting me to help her move into her dorm, but she’s been tense and terse since we woke up.

Maybe there’s a kernel of truth to my words.

She fists my shirt in her fingers and kisses me back with unexpected fierceness. I drop the handle of her rollaboard luggage and lean into it, savoring the taste of her. My hands glide across her waist, skimming the fabric of her tight white tank top. I itch to touch her bare skin.

All too soon, she pulls away, licking her lips. Her eyes are glazed as she says, “I like having you here. But I don’t want to impose.”

I shrug, hiding my disappointment that the kiss ended. “You’re never an imposition.”

Hadley raises a brow. “You’d help any other friend move in?” She emphasizes the word friend, and I nod. She sighs. “Yeah, you probably would. You’re a good guy like that.”

Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, she doesn’t meet my gaze but continues down the hallway towards the stairs.

And what’s wrong with being the kind of guy who helps a friend move?

I don’t ask, though, but follow at her side.

She’s been a little off for weeks now. Not as willing to hang out and talk, not as open with her thoughts as before.

Still pleased to share my bed, but not as emotionally available as she used to be.

I thought it had something to do with her mom or Hunter, but I’m not one to pry.

Maybe it’s the looming pressure of the semester and new classes.

If she wants to talk to me, she knows I’m here.

If she’s not ready to share, well, I’ll still be here when she is.

My fingers brush against hers as we start up the two flights of stairs, and I send her a flirty grin. She smiles back, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“So, you excited to see Kendall again?”

Finally her smile turns genuine. “I can’t wait. I’ve missed her so incredibly much. I desperately need some girl time.”

She pauses outside of what I assume is her room and jiggles the key in the lock. Then, she flings the wooden door open and drops her stuff, flopping on the bed.

I follow, huffing a laugh at her antics. “Where do you want this?”

I glance around the bare room. It’s spartan now, with stark white walls and plain oak furniture—desk, bedframe, and dresser. I can’t wait to see how Hadley puts her stamp on it.

“Wherever.” She waves a hand around. “I’ve got a lot of unpacking to do.”

“I can stay to help. Uh, just until Kendall arrives,” I hurry to say. “I don’t want to infringe on your girl time.”

“That’s sweet of you, but I should probably do it myself so I’m not calling you in the middle of the night to ask where you put things.” She sits up, adjusting her ponytail.

“You can call me in the middle of the night whenever you want.” I let my voice drop, husky with innuendo. If she thinks I mean for a booty call…well, she’d be right.

She tries to grin, but it’s more of a grimace. She must be stressed. “You’re a good friend, Joe. Thanks for everything this summer.”

This is the moment. Now or never. I sit beside her, take a deep breath, and decide to go for it. “It was a great summer, Hadley. The best I’ve ever had.”

“Better than when you were hiking out west?”

I blink, surprised she remembers that. “Yeah. Even better than that. So maybe it doesn’t have to end.”

“What do you mean?” Her voice hits a higher pitch than normal, a little tight. “Of course summer has to end.”

“But not the best parts. And that’s you, being with you.” Her mouth drops open, and I rush on. “Hunter knows about us, and it’s no big deal. So do the rest of the guys on the team.”

After I told Evan about us, I said something to Caleb, too. He gave me a knowing look—maybe we weren’t as sneaky as we thought—and the news spread. But they don’t treat us any differently. It hasn’t changed anything.

And it hasn’t changed the way I feel. Those moments lately where I’ve made Hadley smile light me up inside. She was clear about this being a summer fling, but I don’t want to let her go. I’m totally in love with her.

On the bed, she stiffens and clears her throat. “What are you saying?”

“I want us to keep dating.” I hold my breath, unable to read the guarded expression on her face. “I’ve fallen for you, Hads. I want to be with you all the time. I love you.”

“Jonas,” she whispers, the silence stretching on. It starts to dawn on me if this conversation was going to have a happy ending, she probably would have thrown herself into my arms by now.

“Um,” is all I can manage to get past the lump in my throat.

She shakes her head, blue eyes filling with sadness. “I thought you knew. I made it pretty clear—this isn’t a long-term thing.”

“But—” My voice breaks. “I thought that changed when Hunter was okay with things.”

And when I told you I loved you.

“It was never about Hunter.” It was a little about Hunter, but this isn’t the time to argue. So I nod, and she continues, “It’s about me. I’m not right for you, and I’m not ready for anything serious.”

This I will fight for, though. Indignation surges through my veins, and I sit straighter on her bed. “I think I get to decide what kind of girl I want to be with, thank you very much.”

But she shakes her head. “You can deny it, but you’re meant for marriage and stability, Jonas. You want a family to come home to after a long road trip with the team. A bonfire in the backyard?—”

“Hadley,” I cut her off, frowning. “I’m not sure I want to play professional hockey. I know it’s not as fancy as you’re used to, but nursing is my calling.”

It’s the first time I’ve said the words out loud, and it feels good. Right. Perfect.

I don’t know what reaction I expected from her, but it’s not the tears that spill over her eyelids and track down her face.

“More proof.” She shakes her head, mournful.

“Of what?”

“That we’re not compatible. I’m not ready to settle down.”

“Who said anything about that, Hadley?” I keep my voice even, but panic fizzes in my chest. “You keep mentioning it, but I just want to keep seeing you.”

“But you’d want to be exclusive, wouldn’t you? With someone you love?”

She throws my confession back at me like an arrow. Aimed at my heart, she hits her mark.

I stand and gaze at her. Messy hair, red-rimmed eyes, smudged mascara.

I want her more than I ever thought possible, but I won’t lie about my feelings to keep a piece of her.

It would chip away at my soul until there’s nothing left.

Like I knew I wasn’t a one-night-stand type of guy, I know I need monogamy.

I needed it this summer, and I’d need it forever.

I inhale. “Yes, I’d want that.”

“And I’m still figuring out who I am. I need to date more, have more experiences, not be defined by my relationships or the guys I’m with.” She shrugs, and my chest cracks open. “We’re in different places, we want different things.”

That must be true, because I want her, but she doesn’t want me.

“Okay.” I clear my throat, trying to make my voice sound normal. “I guess you’re right. Sorry I said anything.” Under my breath so she can’t hear, I whisper, “Sorry I loved you exactly as you are.”

She thinks she needs to figure out who she is, but I already know. And I love everything about her, even her flaws. I can’t tell her that, though.

My heart is breaking in two. I need to get out of here before I lose it. I take two steps towards the door.

“Wait.”

I halt at Hadley’s voice and turn back to face her. Can she read the anguish on my face?

“We’re still friends, right?” she asks, biting her lip. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Friends. Hanging out with her, watching TV, cooking together. Working out or running and being reminded of all the memories we shared. But not kissing her, not touching her. Or worse, doing those things but knowing it doesn’t mean anything for her when it means everything to me.

I slowly shake my head. “We are friends, Hadley, but I’m gonna need some time. I can’t just turn it off.”

“Oh.” Her face crumples in on itself again, and she nods. “Yeah, that makes sense. Well, I guess I’ll see you around, then?”

“I guess,” I say. The words sound strangled, hard to shove out around the lump in my throat.

And then I flee.