Page 53 of Every Silent Lie

I don’t know what to say as I frantically try to keep the bricks of my wall in place. An impossible task when Dec just keeps smashing through them. We kissed, it was amazing, but he left me in limbo all weekend to fend off the blasts of my past coming at me mercifully. He left me to talk myself round in circles over that kiss. He left me to convince myself he can’t handle me.

Don’t get close.

He cares about you.

But he doesn’t know me.

“I kissed you, Camryn.”

Oh, Dec, you certainly did. I look away when his gaze drops to my mouth, as if he’s considering reminding me of how magical that kiss was. He doesn’t need to. It’s etched in my mind, carved deeply, never to be forgotten.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

I did, I did, I did. Admittedly, initially, I wanted him to kiss the life out of me and fuck me hard to take me away from this godforsaken world even just for a little while, but it was quickly and suddenly more than that. I didn’t want him to kiss me because it would lead to sex and escape, but because I so desperately wanted to be that close to him. Taste him. Feel him. The hunger in the desperation was suddenly different, and so much more than I’m used to dealing with. And then it happened, and it was so incredibly wonderful. The kiss, his words, the way he looked at me. It was so so much more.

But then I pined for him. Got mad with him. Got mad with myself.

And now I’m sabotaging whatever this is.

You can’t let someone close without letting them in. And after that kiss, after this weekend, after tonight, I know this man could break me even more than I’m already broken.

“You shouldn’t have come here,” I say, trying to sound sure and strong, wondering if I could be anymore broken.

He drags tired, empty eyes my way. “Right.” He rises from his stool lethargically, as if it’s an effort. As if he’s had all the fight knocked out of him. “I shouldn’t have come.” His sneer cuts deep, as I know he intended it to. And I deserve it. “Goodbye, Camryn.”

“Your money, sir.” Julio scoops up the notes and holds them out, and Dec considers the handful of cash for a few long moments before he takes it and drops it at my feet. “For the kiss.”

He stalks off, and I’m once again rendered useless. And unreasonably hurt. The pain in my chest is excruciating—but I deserve that too.

It takes me a few too many seconds to gather my scattered thoughts, for my sensibility to wade through the perpetual bog of grief, and surface. I look at Julio like he might be able to help me out. Guide me. I get nothing. “I deserved that, didn’t I?”

His hands come up, and he backs off. It’s a resounding yes without speaking up.

Sabotage.

He had a feeling I’d be here. He knew. Because he wants to know you. He cares. “Shit.” I scoop up my things and go after Dec, hurrying through the lobby and breaking out into a blizzard. “Oh my God,” I breathe, the baltic air nearly taking me off my feet. I hurry into my coat, scanning up and down the street for him, squinting to see past the fast-falling flurry of snow. He’s crossing the road at the end of the road. “Dec,” I yell, hurrying after him, my heels getting lost in the snow. “Dec, wait. Shit!” My foot slips from under me, forcing me to grab a nearby railing. “Dec!” He becomes blurrier. “God damn me.” I take off my shoes and, like a mad woman, brave the snow barefoot, jogging down the street. “Oh my God,” I gasp, my feet frozen.

He opens the back door of a grey Defender.

“Dec!”

Looking up, his hand still clenching the handle, he finds me on the pavement through the snow, and an eternity passes, him staring at me, me waiting, rolling around the words I need to make this right. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, not nearly loud enough to be heard.

He shakes his head and slips into the back of the car, and my heart sinks as the door closes and it pulls away, handling the conditions with smooth grace and ease, eventually disappearing around the corner.

And I stand, a stupid, wet, cold, barefoot mess on the pavement in the snow watching him go.

Because I pushed him away.

The best thing that’s happened to me in so long.

Gone.

December 12th

“Don’t forget Christmas Jumper Day tomorrow,” Crystal sings to anyone and everyone as I trudge down the corridor, weighed down with layers, my boots heavy with compacted snow on the soles. “Damn, I’m going to have to send an email,” she mutters. “Snow should pull people out, not keep them in.” She wilts when she spots me. “Oh, hi, Camryn.”

“Hi.” I step into my office and drop my bags to the floor, stripping out of my coat, scarf, and hoodie, hanging everything on the radiator before I pull my heels out and get them on.