Page 152 of Every Silent Lie

December 21st

When my eyes open, I’m curled up on my side, my back to the edge of the bed, the duvet covering my naked body, expecting to see Dec. I don’t. I see Albi. Asleep.

He’s splayed on his back between us on top of the sheets, legs akimbo, his arms above his head on the pillow. “Oh,” I breathe, naturally checking the sheets are covering me. Inevitably, memories stampede through my mind mercilessly, the many mornings I woke up and found Noah had crept into bed with us. My eyes instinctively squeeze shut, trying to push them back. But why? Why am I pushing them back?

Relenting to the power of them, I allow the memories to invade me, inhaling as if I can smell him close to me. My smile is sad, and my chest tight, and yet the visions keep coming.

And I allow them.

I peel my eyes open and lift my head off the pillow a little so I can see Dec. He’s in the exact same position as his boy. They both snore softly, both their lips parted. It’s a quiet, peaceful moment, despite the heaviness of it. Precious. It’s something I never appreciated when I had Noah. This simple thing. I don’t know how long I stay still and quiet watching them, wondering if Dec realises just how precious this is.

As if he’s heard my silent question, his eyes open, his sleepy gaze finding Albi next to him. His frown is adorable as his waking mind slowly brings him up to speed. His eyes jump directly to mine. I smile a little, letting him know I’m okay.

He sighs and rolls gingerly onto his side to face me. “Sorry,” he murmurs.

“Don’t be.”

“Did his snoring wake you?”

I shake my head. “I’m naked.”

Dec’s eyes widen theatrically, his head craning to see over his sleeping son. His nose wrinkles when he finds me covered, and I chuckle as he edges to the side of the bed and gets out. He wanders across the bedroom. “And so are you,” I breathe, admiring him in all his naked glory as he pulls a T-shirt off the chair and brings it to me. “I’ll go make coffee.” He bends and plants a kiss on my lips. “Be careful. He tends to play football in his sleep.”

“He does?” At that exact moment, Albi’s foot boots me in the thigh, and he mumbles a few inaudible words as he rolls away from me. Dec winces on my behalf. “Ouch,” I whisper, when I actually want to yell at the sharp stab of pain that travels down to my knee. “I think I’ll get ready for work.” I glance at the clock on the nightstand. Six thirty. “So much for being out for the count until seven.” I put my hand out for Dec to pull me up. “Mind if I use your shower?”

“Help yourself.” He pulls on some boxers and strides off as I wriggle into the T-shirt and take myself to the bathroom.

After showering, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed, I head downstairs, feeling distinctively different this morning. Lighter. There’s . . . a sense of quiet, subdued joy beneath my skin.

Dec’s at the island, coffee in one hand, his mobile in the other, talking. “I’ll be there at nine.” He hangs up. Takes me in. “When do you finish for Christmas?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Spend it with us,” he says out of the blue, making me pause halfway to setting my bag on the island to get my coat on.

“What?”

He gets up and takes my coat from my hands, holding it up for me to feed my arms through. “I said, spend it with us.”

A nativity play, albeit a fraudulent example, is one thing. So is a date to see Father Christmas. Spending Christmas with them? I don’t want to cast my shadows over what should be a magical day for Albi. And for Dec. He’ll be watching me constantly. Worrying sensitive nerves are being hit. “I?—”

“Think about it,” he whispers in my ear, his hands on my shoulders. “That’s all I ask.”

“Okay,” I agree for the sake of it, if only to cut this conversation in its tracks. “I have to go.”

“Four more sleeps!” Albi comes dashing into the kitchen like a rocket, zooming around the island to the point I’m dizzy. “Four more sleeps, four more sleeps! He’s coming in four more sleeps!” He stops, out of breath after his mad dash. “Why’d you sleep in Daddy’s bed?”

“Over to you,” I breathe, grabbing my bag.

“Right, fella,” Dec says, sounding super enthusiastic. “We’ve got to go to work for a little while.”

“Yay!” Albi dashes back out, a total whirlwind. “I’ll put on my power suit.”

My eyebrows raise. “He has a power suit?”

“A policeman’s costume. It’s a step up from the prawn.” Dec walks me to the door and opens it, and I find Ron on the other side.

“Oh, hi.”