Page 165 of Every Silent Lie

I love him. I love Albi. Frighteningly, I want nothing more than to be with them constantly—both of them are a calming salve to my broken heart, slowly healing it minute by minute—and yet something feels so unbearably wrong. Is it the guilt? The emptiness that’s slowly being filled by love and hope?

I drop the towel and cover my face with my hands, not crying, but in complete despair. And now I’ve ran away from him, left him on the bed probably kicking himself, so I can hide in here and chase my thoughts in circles.

A light, nervous tap sounds on the door, and I drop my hands as Dec pushes his way in, his naked body visibly deflated. He takes me in on the edge of the bath, thoughtful, and clearly disappointed. “Forget I said anything,” he says with reluctance, dropping the doorknob, his arms hanging heavily by his sides. “It was a stupid idea.” He doesn’t believe that. Do I? I don’t even know. I only just got my head around spending Christmas with them, and now we’ve leapt into forever.

“He’s four, Dec,” I say, my words coming without thought. “I met him days ago. His little mind won’t understand. It’s been him and you all his short life, and I’ve shown up and?—”

“He’s smitten with you,” he murmurs. “Doesn’t shut up about you. At this point, I’m questioning if he’d miss me if I vanished.”

“Shut up, he adores you.”

Coming to me, Dec kneels and takes my hands. “Erase the past five minutes.” He kisses both my hands and stands, helping me to my feet and picking me up, carrying me back to the bed and laying me down on my back where I was before he said what he said.

Coming down on top of me, he resumes his position and hides his face in my neck, picking up where we left off. But something like that can’t be unsaid, and as I stare at the ceiling, Dec making love to my neck with his mouth, all I can think about is what lies ahead for us. Because if I can’t get my head around starting a new life with him and Albi, what’s the point in being here now? It’s not fair on Dec. But more, it’s not fair on Albi.

December 22nd

The smell of coffee brings me round, mixed with the distinct, lost lingering scent of kids shampoo. I inhale in my darkness, letting that delicate scent sink deeply into me. Naturally, the memories come with it, so I let them take hold for a few moments, enjoy them, before I open my eyes to a new day in a whole new world. I find Albi star-fished in the middle of the bed on his back again, his arms draped over his head, his mouth open. Standard Ellis boys sleeping pose. His crumpled pyjamas have ridden up his arms and legs, revealing his creamy, perfect skin. His hair is a flawless mess. His lashes, like his daddy’s, are long and nearly touching his high cheekbones. Lifting my head, I look over his body and see Dec’s side of the bed empty. He’s making coffee.

I roll onto my side and reach for a stray lock of hair lying across his eye, gently pushing it back, and freeze when he stirs and mumbles nonsensical words. I quickly move back, anticipating what comes next, just as his foot shoots out, missing my hip by a hair’s breadth. He tosses himself onto his side and sighs, settling. “Oh, you beautiful little thing,” I whisper, shuffling closer to him, unable to stop myself from gently stroking his cheek. Listening to him breathe as he sleeps, watching him, brings back a long-lost sense of peace. I move back, getting more of his strewn little body in my sights, and reach for his hand, brushing across his fingers with the pad of my thumb, staring at the cute dimples where his knuckles are yet to develop. Pure hands that have done no wrong in this world. A mouth that hasn’t spoken hurtful or harmful words. A heart that knows only love, whatever kind it might be.

Clarity hits me, and it hits me hard, making my blood warm and my heart beat strongly. This is a life raft. He is my life raft. Because I’m scared to think about where I might be now if I wasn’t here with them.

Lonely.

Hateful.

Empty.

“I need to go talk to your daddy,” I whisper, reaching over and kissing his cheek. I hop out of bed and look down my front, wondering where the T-shirt came from. I lift it. And my knickers too. A vague, sleepy memory comes back to me—of Dec wrestling my uncooperative body to get me covered up. Anticipating the invasion of his bed by Albi.

I smile and head downstairs, pulling my hair up as I go. Dec’s standing before the open fridge when I make it to the kitchen, glugging down some orange juice from the carton. In his boxers. I take a brief, quiet moment to appreciate him. His back muscles undulating as he tips the carton, his hand holding the door open making the muscles in his arm solid. But most of all, I appreciate that I’m here with him.

Padding over quietly, I move in behind him and thread my arms through his, hugging his back briefly before kissing my way up to his neck, reaching up on my tippy-toes as he lowers his head and puts the orange juice back. “Morning to you too,” he says, spinning around and dipping, getting me onto his shoulder.

“Whoa!” I cry, cocking my head as I watch his butt cheeks tense and swell from his long strides to the island. His palm connects with my arse. “Ouch!” He bends and sits me on the counter, the cold stone sinking into my warm flesh which makes me sit up straight. Shiny orbs of mischief gaze back at me. “Yes,” I say before he can speak, sweeping my palms across his shoulders.

“Yes, what?”

“I said, yes.”

“What did I ask you?”

“You didn’t ask me. You demanded in a roundabout way.”

His head tilts. “Go on.”

“I want to be with you all the time.”

A discreet smirk tilts one corner of his mouth. “Go on.”

“You and Albi.”

His eyebrows lift, his smile more apparent.

“Here,” I add, letting my hands drift down his bare chest as his palms stroke their way onto my thighs. My nose scrunches. He wrinkles his in return.

“I’d ask what’s changed your mind,” he whispers, slowly bringing his mouth close to mine, making sure that by the time he kisses me, I’m frantic for it, “but I really couldn’t give a shit.” He takes my neck and holds me in place while he kisses me deep and hard, moving his body between my thighs. Things happen down below that shouldn’t be happening when I’m half naked on the island and Albi is within a mile radius, and judging by the deep, guttural rumble that emanates from the back of Dec’s throat, it’s happening to him too. But I take the moment, enjoying our closeness, no matter how long it lasts. We just have to keep it under control.