Page 35 of Eryx

Soldiers often surrendered to their passions for each other during wartime, or so I’d heard from Nikias. Tomorrow was never guaranteed, and when a man desired a warm body to sink into, to provide him comfort, he turned to the men he trusted with his life.

“I was dishonest with you,” I quietly said.

His gaze met mine. “How so?”

I dreaded speaking the words, but I could no longer keep it from him. After two years of fighting my desire for him, I feared I’d explode into a thousand pieces if I kept the secret inside a moment longer.

“Iwasangry with you. Not only for your reluctance to stand up for yourself, but because I did not favor the way you looked at the helot.” My jaw tightened and I grabbed a long strand of grass from the wet earth, tearing it apart. It was difficult to speak around the tightness in my throat. “Seeing you fancy another was like a dagger to my heart, Axios. And I must confess that a part of me enjoyed slitting his throat.”

There were times when I was sure Axios felt the same about me. When I tackled him and our bare bodies slid together, our mouths inches apart and our hearts thumping wildly, I’d see a spark in his eyes and feel a tightening in his body.

But was I just another pretty thing for him to admire and release, like the butterfly he’d caught in the valley days ago and let go into the wind?

Did I mean as much to him as he meant to me?

“And the other part of you?” Axios asked, breaking the silence. “What did it feel upon killing him?”

I dropped my gaze to the torn strand of grass in my hand. “Once a thing is broken, there is no mending it. Like this thread of grass. Parts of it lie in shreds at my feet, and nothing can again make it whole.”

Nothing could makemewhole again.

After tossing the rest of the grass on the ground, I stood and walked toward the tree. Axios followed me, as I knew he would. A slight chill lingered in the air from the cloudy day, but it had stopped raining at least.

“Death is that way,” I said, grabbing an overhanging branch and pulling myself up to sit in the tree. “I suppose I never truly understood the finality of it untilIwas the one holding the blade. The one with blood on my hands.” Looking at my palms, I remembered them stained red. “I wonder what he felt right before the light faded from his eyes… where he went afterward, if anywhere at all. Is he at peace?”

“One day we will know the answer.” Axios climbed up and sat on the branch beside me. “But it is not this day.”

How could Axios be so gentle with me after how I’d treated him in the arena?

Fighting the grief clawing at my heart, I met his gaze. “I should not have hit you so hard. Forgive me.”

Seeing blood trickle from his lip, I reached and wiped my thumb across it. I’d do anything to take it all back. I had let my anger and a wounded heart control me. I had lashed out at the one person I could never lose.

“I feel fine.” Axios grabbed my wrist when I went to pull away, and he placed my hand upon his cheek.

His face was so close to mine. The tenderness I often felt in his touch reflected in his eyes. I couldn’t change the past, but the decisions I made in the present could shape my future.Ourfuture.

One choice could change everything.

When I cupped his cheek, he leaned into my palm, briefly closing his eyes. His long dark lashes fluttered against his tanned skin, and even when covered in cuts and bruises, he was the most extraordinary thing I’d ever beheld.

That’s when I knew the decision I needed to make.

“There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you,” I whispered, pressing my forehead to his. “I would kill any man, go any distance, and burn the whole world down if it meant keeping you safe.”

Fear had blinded me—fear of failing Sparta, but more than anything, the fear of never again feeling Axios’ warmth or smelling the sweetness of his skin. My eyes were open now and damn any man who thought to step in my way.

His response to my words was unexpected. Axios angled his head and pressed his lips to mine. He tasted of blood from the crack in his lip, but I also tasted rain. Rain and earth and honey.

I froze at the contact. I was not born for such tenderness. None of us were. Our lives, our every breath, belonged to Sparta. But as his soft mouth touched mine, I knew my heart belonged to Axios. I slid my hand from his cheek to the back of his head, tangling my fingers in his black hair as I drew him closer to me and returned his kiss.

He emitted a sigh and moved his mouth on mine.

I’d never known such happiness. Sitting in the tree with Axios, our lips joined and our hearts beating wildly, I finally felt whole. It reminded me of a story I’d once heard.

During his travels with the army, Father had once visited Athens. While there, he’d met a poet called Aristophanes who had told a story about soulmates. The story had seemed ridiculous to me as Father spoke of humans originally having four arms, four legs, and a head made of two faces. Zeus, in his anger, had split the creatures in two.

“Did they die after Zeus split them apart?” I asked.