Page 46 of Embers of You (Amity #1)

Jameson

I’ve hardly spoken to my coworkers our entire shift. It’s been pretty quiet, a couple of false alarm calls and one lift assist. I try not to let it show that every time a call comes in my heart accelerates. I’ve been trained for so long not to panic, and I’ve grown used to the sound of a call.

I thought two weeks would be enough time.

Apparently not, but I’m not about to admit that to anyone. I need to get back to normalcy, or the new normal and whatever that looks like. Though, the new normal has looked like not having Sutton around, and not talking to her.

I hate it.

I hate myself for pushing her away, and I’m pretty sure Ma knows what I’ve done and hates it as well.

I just can’t drag her down like this, it’s not fair.

But it’s lonely. Even Duke is depressed and barely looks at me.

The horses can feel it, I know they can, and Jasper’s about to go back home, and I’ve barely been working with him like I was supposed to.

I’m sure they’ll understand, but I still hate not following through on commitments I made.

Kind of like the commitment I made to Sutton when I told her she was mine. No, it wasn’t a proposal or a commitment to anyone else, but to me it was. I’ve never let a woman wear my hat, never wanted anyone to. No one else has ever been mine in the way she was.

Was.

Because I’ve lost her.

The amount of times I’ve wanted to reach out. I’ve actually stared at my phone for so long I swear I started to see two screens. I’ve typed out so many messages. I’ve had her contact pulled up ready to call. I’ve stopped myself from driving to her house. I just can’t do it.

Of course, everything was only made worse earlier when Mallory showed up at the station. Dave, Jo, and Parker watched the entire interaction even though they pretended they weren’t.

The worst part is I know Sutton was at work and saw her come in here. All I wanted to do was rush over and tell her that I didn’t give her the time of day and sent her away because the only woman in the entire world I want is her.

“If you need anything at all I’m here,” Mallory said, reaching for me. I stepped back away from her.

“I don’t.”

“If that changes, you can call me,” she tried again.

“I don’t have your number and no, I don’t want it. Please, leave.”

“Jameson.” I think she thinks she’s being flirty, but it only makes me grimace. “We used to have fun. We could have that type of fun again, you know.”

I scoff. “Not interested and never will be. Bye, Mallory.”

Without giving her any more of my time, attention, or energy, I walked away and heard her pout and throw a hissy fit as she left.

My shift ends before Sutton is at work, so I’m not tempted to walk in there, and instead drive home.

I’ve still been staying in the main house, but the bed in my old room feels so much colder without the other body next to me.

My pain has multiplied and I know it’s all my fault, but I can’t bring myself to do anything to fix it either.

I walk in, and Duke doesn’t even greet me, doesn’t even lift his head. I go to find Ma to check in on her like I always do. The only reason I went back to work was because she practically forced me to. I didn’t want to leave her, but she won’t let me stay around here.

Her door is cracked, and when I knock softly, she invites me in. We have an appointment for her tomorrow, and I’m terrified we’re about to get more bad news. The remnants of our family are barely hanging on as it is and I can’t handle any more negative news.

Ma has some boxes on her bed with her, and papers spread out in front of her.

“What are you doing?” I ask, finding a small open spot on the mattress to sit down.

“Going through some of your dad’s things,” she sniffs.

“Ma, why would you try to do that without me here?”

“You’re here now, aren’t you?”

I sigh. “How long have you been doing this? Have you even slept?”

“I sleep.”

I start to tell her that’s not really answering my question, but she doesn’t let me because she’s holding up an old picture I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.

“What’s this?” I take it from her, seeing a younger version of my dad holding me up on a horse. I’m a baby, there’s no way I’m more than two years old and he’s beaming wider than I ever saw him smile.

My heart cracks in my chest.

“He was so excited when I found out I was pregnant with you,” Ma starts, her voice already watery. “I remember asking him if he was hoping for a girl or a boy, and do you know what he said?”

I shake my head, still looking down at the picture and barely holding back the tears forming in my eyes.

“He said it didn’t matter as long as they had my heart, that’s all he wanted.”

The first tear falls before I’m able to stop it, dropping onto the picture in my hands, right on my dad’s smiling face.

“Guess he was disappointed that didn’t happen,” I murmur.

She takes the picture from me. “I know you two had your disagreements, and he was never someone who shared his emotions easily. Do you know how long it took him to tell me he loved me?”

I shake my head again, realizing how little I know about their relationship beyond how they met and what I saw growing up.

“A year! He kept me waiting for a year, and every time I thought it was coming, he would say something else ridiculous. I knew he did though, so I never gave up on him. You probably don’t remember his parents, but they weren’t the overly affectionate type, and neither was he.

I didn’t mind. He showed me in other ways, and I knew he was my person. ”

I swallow roughly, knowing the feeling she’s talking about. I know who my person is, too, and I’ve lost her.

She places her hand on top of mine. “He loved you so much Jameson. I don’t think you realize how important you were to him. I know he never really told you and I wish you knew sooner how he really felt.”

“Yeah, well he had a funny way of showing it, and I’m sorry it hurts you, Ma, but I just don’t think I was the son he wanted.

He wanted someone who wanted to stay here forever.

He wanted someone to be just like him and I was too different.

Did he tell you about our fight we had right before…

” I’m not able to say the words he died.

“He did.”

“Really? What did he say?”

“He said he didn’t know how to talk to you.”

“That’s true.”

“Not how you’re thinking. He felt like he always said the wrong thing to you, and didn’t know how to make it better.

Yes, he could come off abrasive, but honey, that’s how he always was.

He wanted you to know how he felt, but couldn’t ever get his point across in a way that worked for the both of you.

” She pauses and I can tell she’s close to crying.

“He got his one wish when it came to you. You got my heart. You always see the good in everyone, but it also made you more sensitive than you want to let on.”

I can’t argue with her, it’s true. And of course she knows it.

“I’ve loved your father for the majority of my life, and the way he showed his love for me was different, it took getting used to, but I did.

With you it’s like he never quite figured out a way to show you in a way you both understood.

” She pulls out another piece of paper, this one is an envelope and hands it to me.

I furrow my brows looking at the envelope addressed to me. “What’s this?”

“Read it when you want to hear from him again.”

“What?”

“Not now. Go get some rest, and then go sit somewhere that makes you feel connected to him, and read it.”

I clutch the envelope tightly and nod, standing up because the exhaustion is hitting me even more now.

Duke is curled up on his bed by the wall, I nod toward him. “Do you think he’s okay? Should I take him to the vet to check him out?”

“I think he knows his favorite person isn’t around anymore, and he’s just as sad as us.”

My eyes shoot back over to her. “His favorite person? I thought that was you and that’s why he always wanted to be over here.”

She laughs softly. “Oh no, honey. Duke latched onto your dad right away when you weren’t around. He would follow him around when you were working, he was his shadow.”

The guilt stabs me in the gut, I didn’t even notice how much my own dog liked him. I nod, not sure what to say. I turn to leave, but she stops me, calling my name gently.

“I don’t know what is going on between you and Sutton, but don’t let your pain push her away completely.”

I give her a soft smile, not having the heart to tell her that I think I already have. When I go up to my room, Duke chooses to stay where he’s already settled and that’s okay because as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m asleep, still clutching the envelope Ma gave me.